Open Bar: Funnier Than White People Practicing Voodoo

[Suu]

I appear to have found one of the 7% still approving in Congress on my Facebook page. 

[Pæs]

HAY PAES TOMORROW WHEN YOU RUN YOUR WEEKLY SANITY CHECK ON THE PAY, PLEASE BE AWARE THAT EVERYONE IS GETTING AN EXTRA MILLION DOLLARS OR SO.

Okay, I can exclude that from the sanity/exception check, how much tax are they paying on each? Also, I think we agreed the last five times you gave me no notice of this that I need a few days to retune the reports I use to make these checks?

IDK HOW MUCH TAX IT WILL BE FIGURED OUT ON THE FLY. IT IS VERY MESSY.

Right, but if I exclude those payments and don't exclude the associated tax, each person just has giant negative next to their name which we cannot justify and the sanity check fails in the other direction.

YEAH K FIX IT FOR TOMORROW.

[Pæs]

HAY PAES YOU CAN'T RUN THE QUERIES YOU NEED RIGHT NOW TO GATHER INFORMATION TO PREPARE FOR TOMORROW. THE DATABASE IS ALREADY UNDER HEAVY USE SO PLZ STAY OUT OF IT.

This will only necessitate my getting on a train at 5am or so, so a 4am start.

[The Good Reverend Roger]

Knuckles gets out of jail (again) tomorrow at 4PM.  Gonna go pick him up.

I marked off "6 months" in the "how long will he stay out of jail this time" pool.

[ñͤͣ̄ͦ̌̑͗͊͛͂͗ ̸̨̨̣̺̼̣̜͙͈͕̮̊̈́̈͂͛̽͊ͭ̓͆ͅé ̰̓̓́ͯ́́͞]

I'm going to have another daughter sometime near the end of this summer.

Now I can fail twice as hard at being a father, provider, or worthwhile human being!

[Ben Shapiro]

I'm going to have another daughter sometime near the end of this summer.

Now I can fail twice as hard at being a father, provider, or worthwhile human being!

Nice

[Junkenstein]

Knuckles gets out of jail (again) tomorrow at 4PM.  Gonna go pick him up.

I marked off "6 months" in the "how long will he stay out of jail this time" pool.

OK, this needs backstory. And lurid details.

[Cain]

Well, I've been denied my holiday leave for my final two weeks at my current workplace.

Legally, I may or may not have a leg to stand on.  But I'm considering my options, including "throwing a two week sickie", "just not turning up" and "doorstepping the vile bitch who controls the rota and uses it to make up for her personal and developmental shortcomings".

I'll still get paid regardless.  Or if I wont, well, I know a Small Claims Court which is very hard to find without the correct maps (no contest = instant win).  But it's not the point.  The point is, I hate my job and I've earnt holiday time.  I've never taken a single holiday, I've covered a lot of other peoples holidays, I've worked the worst shift for months without complaint and it's not my fucking problem if you don't have the staff.

[Junkenstein]

Do what must be done.

By which I mean extract inordinate revenge to around the value of 3X what is owed. It's the only way these people learn.

Doorstepping would be a nice touch, I'm guessing it's the kind of person who would freak the fuck out about being recorded on a phone. Which is excellent evidence to support a claim with.

[Cain]

True.  This basically comes down to the fact that now she has to make one of her pets work Friday and Saturday night, which means she can no longer bask in the warm feeling of their stupefied glory, and will probably get called a "bitch" behind her back during the usual daytime gossip.  So while this doesn't actually solve the issue of a toxic work environment or someone with too much hands-on supervisory experience also controlling the rota (as opposed to the manager or secretary), it does make her feel like she has a marginal amount of control over her environment.

Which is all that matters to her.  As far as I can tell, anyway.  Professional competency or attitude definitely isn't something that matters, so I suppose we should be thankful at least something does.

[Luna]

HAY PAES TOMORROW WHEN YOU RUN YOUR WEEKLY SANITY CHECK ON THE PAY, PLEASE BE AWARE THAT EVERYONE IS GETTING AN EXTRA MILLION DOLLARS OR SO.

Okay, I can exclude that from the sanity/exception check, how much tax are they paying on each? Also, I think we agreed the last five times you gave me no notice of this that I need a few days to retune the reports I use to make these checks?

IDK HOW MUCH TAX IT WILL BE FIGURED OUT ON THE FLY. IT IS VERY MESSY.

Right, but if I exclude those payments and don't exclude the associated tax, each person just has giant negative next to their name which we cannot justify and the sanity check fails in the other direction.

YEAH K FIX IT FOR TOMORROW.

Did they ask you to calculate it for doing taxes in multiple ways so they can decide which to use?  For every person, individually, so they can tell them what to expect?  That's my FAVORITE.

[Cain]

Urgh, being professional and shit.  Setting up Twitter for writing work...Facebook to follow.  Blog to follow afterwards (not anonymous, so no stream crossing.  Sorry.  Besides, I have to be less funny more professional cautious of lawsuits when my real name is attached).

Hopefully this will attract the attention of someone willing to give me a small, but regular and not inconsiderable fee for finger-sploogings on things a five year old should be able to figure out about global politics, but apparently a bunch of PhDs, spooks, lawyers and professional narcissists politicians cannot.  You know, tyranny bad, killing bad, revenge bad but often feels good, poverty bad, oversimplification bad except when explaining things to above people. 

[LMNO]

Good luck!  Dumb people in positions of power need all the simplified explanations they can get.

[Cain]

I just have to keep reminding myself that starting an argument by saying "noted snuff enthusiast and war criminal Dick Cheney" will probably not go down well...

[Mesozoic Mister Nigel]

I just have to keep reminding myself that starting an argument by saying "noted snuff enthusiast and war criminal Dick Cheney" will probably not go down well...