I couldn't sleep so I edited some horoscopes

[ñͤͣ̄ͦ̌̑͗͊͛͂͗ ̸̨̨̣̺̼̣̜͙͈͕̮̊̈́̈͂͛̽͊ͭ̓͆ͅé ̰̓̓́ͯ́́͞]

Aquarius (January 20 - February 18)

A crustacean or well-known sea mammal is doing something that you want to be doing, and there's nothing stopping you from doing it. No great resources are required, just a lot of liquid. Get a container you can fit in and realize your potential. There is a strong current of bullshit around you now, and you need to take advantage of it. It's a good time to let loose on some motherfuckers, move forward into an indecisive chump's path, or push a shopping cart full of NOPE into the intersection of Shut the Fuck Up Street and Smartass Avenue.


Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

Settling your powerful hindquarters into a dessert will be harder than you ever thought it could be now -- social invitations will start piling up early, so you had better decide whether you want to change your pants or wait until it soaks through a little while longer. Getting away with that other thing should still be a top priority, so put off doing anything new -- unless doing so would allow you to develop tastebuds on your anus.


Aries (March 21 - April 19)

Sharing your bathroom with someone is a choice -- friends and partners in your past have always been able go out back and shit in a bag, but right now someone could be morphing from a supporter into a dickless titwank. Observe your social calendar -- who's been spending too much time in there? Before things get out of hand, install a bidet that activates on a timer at a high pressure setting. If you get some attitude about it, then simply suggest it is operator error. Life is too short to not rule your pooping space with a goddamn iron fist.


Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

No one has better instincts about when someone is blowing smoke up your ass, but you could easily be a NASCAR champion. Instincts are based on a complex interplay of genetic predispositions, formative experiences, and your current blood sugar; there is an unpredictability around emotional thinking -- especially right now. In everything you do, be it at work, at school or in your social adventures, do it faster and in the upper limits of what a gas powered vehicle is capable of. Feel what you feel, but make sure you take the wheel and turn into the skid at least once. Think about what is best for everyone.


Gemini (May 21 - June 21)

With all that's been on your mind lately, you could use a fat stack of illegitimate money. Talk things out to someone you trust. Skip past the usual folks whose shoulders you so often lean upon and instead look to someone you have a more professional relationship with. Subtly toss out a few thoughts, and if they push you on the details, keep going. Be careful not to tip off friends that might snitch because you're going to rob a jewelry store and use HSBC to hide the proceeds like a boss.



Cancer (June 22 - July 22)

Buckle up and get ready for a storm to hit -- there is a strong wave of confusion and resentment coming, and it's going to wreck your kidneys. You were hardly using them anyway, but your life will be affected a bit. Everyone's fee fees are touchy right now because February is bullshit and doesn't even so much as have enough days yet time slows down like an overly full bladder. You might lose your temper too -- but it's to be expected. Ride this wave doing an elegant but forceful pee dance. You'll come out on the other side with a few lessons and much warmth under your belt.

[Mesozoic Mister Nigel]

  These are brilliant. You may just have found your calling.

[Karapac]

Beautiful. I wish actual horoscopes were this worthy of reading.

[ñͤͣ̄ͦ̌̑͗͊͛͂͗ ̸̨̨̣̺̼̣̜͙͈͕̮̊̈́̈͂͛̽͊ͭ̓͆ͅé ̰̓̓́ͯ́́͞]

Thanks guys.

[Pæs]

These are excellent and inspired me to put some time this evening into making a horoscope generator. At the moment it only has legitimate horoscopes as a source text, but I think I'll gradually teach it to say terrible things. Initial attempts to incorporate complete works of Lovecraft only generated nonsense so it may need more finesse.

http://horoscopes.herokuapp.com/leo

Edit: It just told me 'Your professional trajectory may not convey the intensity of your nose.' and I don't know what to do with that.

[ñͤͣ̄ͦ̌̑͗͊͛͂͗ ̸̨̨̣̺̼̣̜͙͈͕̮̊̈́̈͂͛̽͊ͭ̓͆ͅé ̰̓̓́ͯ́́͞]

Thanks Paes.

I very much like the idea of a LovecraftIan horoscope generator. In a year or two I might even have the programming chops to help out with such a project.

[Mesozoic Mister Nigel]

  Mine makes zero sense. http://horoscopes.herokuapp.com/taurus

[Pæs]

It'll refresh every time you load the page! I'm thinking I might make it possible to save funny ones.

[Mesozoic Mister Nigel]

I see. Well, this one's fairly ominous.

taurus
The best gifts are the best results. action to improve your entire world. However, facing your fears. Recognizing the truth frees you from manifesting your destiny. Nevertheless, your weariness builds to a lack of resources you're limited in how you can use the additional time in a day or two after you've had your share of fun.

[Karapac]

it's now time to think through your thinking if a reality check points to a different point of view. it's still wise to act like you're juggling too many questions; it could take a risk. do to improve your lifestyle, you might think you can muster. to accurately estimate the time and energy explaining your every move, just do your best route to a more substantial conversation later on.

Is it just me or does it kind of make sense?  The first sentence rings Discordian.

[EK WAFFLR]

 

[Mesozoic Mister Nigel]

it's now time to think through your thinking if a reality check points to a different point of view. it's still wise to act like you're juggling too many questions; it could take a risk. do to improve your lifestyle, you might think you can muster. to accurately estimate the time and energy explaining your every move, just do your best route to a more substantial conversation later on.

Is it just me or does it kind of make sense?  The first sentence rings Discordian.

That first sentence is TOTALLY GOOD ADVICE.