I MAEDED SO MANY THINGS!

[Freeky]

Mostly tea, really.  But also preserves.  And chocolate banana bread later.

DEATH METAL TEA

3 BLOOD ORANGES
2 PINTS BLACKER THAN THE BLACKEST BLACKBERRIES
SALTED CHOCOLATE CARAMEL SAUCE
CINNAMIN STICKS
1/3 POUND NON SULPHURED PINEAPPLE, THE MOST BRUTAL OF ALL CITRUS FRUITS
AND FINALLY, MADAGASCAR VANILLA BEANS THAT ARE FRESH AND FRAGRAAAAANT

DISSECT THE BLOOD ORANGES
INTO 1/2 IN WIDE WEDGES
THEN PLACE THEM ON SEVERAL BAKING SHEETS

VISCERATE THE VANILLA BEANS
CHOP THEM INTO 1/4 IN PIECES
SPRINKLE OVER THE ORANGES

DRIZZLE THE SALTED CARAMEL SAUCE
OVER THE ORANGES AND VANILLA
LIKE THE TEARS OF ANGRY GODS

LET THAT SHIT SIT OVERNIGHT
IN THE DARK OF THE WORLD
THEY WILL LOSE SOME EXCESS MOISTURE

WHEN THE DAWN COMES
PUT THE SHEETS IN THE OVEN
AT 200 DEGREES(f)

WHEN THE ORANGES ARE SHRIVELLED
LIKE THE HEART OF A BEAST
YOU CAN TAKE THEM OUT TO COOL

DO THE SAME THING FOR THE BLACKBERRIES
YOU CAN ALSO SKIP LEAVING THEM OUT OVERNIGHT
BUT IT TAKES ABOUT TEN AND A HALF HOURS

CHOP UP THE PINEAPPLE
INTO 1/4 INCH BITS

PUT EVERYTHING IN THEIR COFFIN
A TIGHTLY SEALED CONTAINER

IT'S TIME TO PREPARE THE TEA
GET OUT YOUR TEA STRAINER

USE THREE CHUNKS OF PINEAPPLE
THREE CHUNKS OF BLACKBERRIES
THREE CHUNKS OF ORANGES

ONE STICK OF CINNAMON
AND, IF YOU LIKE,
5 WHOLE BLACK PEPPERCORNS

DROWN IT ALL IN COFFEEPOT HOT WATER
STEEP FOR FIVE MINUTES
GOOD FOR UP TO 3 USES

HYDRATE YOURSELF
WITH HAAAATRREEEEED



Plum and strawberry preserves

1 pound strawberries
7 plums
1/3 cup honey
a lot of sugar, probably 1 1/2 to 2 cups  (I didn't measure)
some cinnamon
Lemon juice, maybe 3 tbsp


Wash and cut up the plums any old way, because fuck it. Get rid of pits. Wash, de-stem, and cut up the strawberries into smaller pieces.  Throw them all in a saucepan.  Add sugar, cinnamon, and lemon juice.  Let it sit for an hour, maybe two.  Say fuck it again and start cooking them on high heat.  Add the honey.  Realize the plums are too hard, so reduce to low/mid-low heat.  Cook for another while, until they seem softer maybe.  Raise heat to high again, and hope for the best.  Get the candy thermometer and try to hold it steady while you stir, because your big pot has curry in it and the pan is too shallow to clip the thing to the side.  After it has been at a hard boil for a while, and the thermometer doesn't want to go above 200F for a while, take it off the heat and disinfect some canning jars and lids.  Damn near burn yourself with the vegetable sprayer, it builds character.  Scoop the fruit gunk into your jars.  Makes about 32 oz.




Orange blossom tea

5 cups of fresh orange blossom petals
1/8 cup cloves, maybe.  I didn't measure.
Black peppercorns? same amount?
1 lb strawberries

MAke sure your orange blossom petals don't have any bugs on them, and are clean.  Refrain from punching any babiesfrom the rage that the soggy horror of a mess gives you.  Put on a baking sheet, and bake in the oven at 200F, stirring every few minutes, until they are dry and curly.  This will not take long. They should be a sort of dark ivory color when they're done, and have reduced down to 1 cup.   Do the same with the strawberries, except leave them out overnight and then cook them, stirring every few hours. Add some cloves and black peppercorns.  Use a tbsp, maybe 1 1/2 in your tea strainer for one cup of tea, good for 2 or 3 uses.  A nice, flowery blend with darker notes.  Good with mesquite honey, but I'm pretty sure mesquite honey is good with everything.

[Nast]

The orange blossom tea sounds lovely! I should try gathering some while our tree is still blooming and experiment.

[Freeky]

It is very lovely, but make sure you wash your tea strainer in between uses very well, and don't let that tea sit too long in the strainer before resteeping.  Mine started oozing and it was gross.  The end.

[Freeky]

Last month I made tea made with 6 black plums skinned and cut into tiny pieces, more pineapple bits, dried goji berries, cloves, and a kiwano.  Don't bother with the kiwano, I only bought it because I remembered I bought one before, and then when I got home I remembered I had no clue what to do with it the first time I bought it.  It doesn't really add anything to the tea, although it is tasty on its own.


This month, I FOUND SO MANY THINGS AT SPROUTS.  ERH MAH GERD, SPREHRTS! 

On top of buying white tea leaves, and a passion fruit tea with a black tea base, I bought the following:

Dried hibiscus flowers and juniper berries


Chamomile flowers


Coriander seeds and lavender flowers


and dried, crystallized ginger



I put 2 parts each of lavender, chamomile, coriander, and hibscus, one part juniper, and somewhere between 1/2 to 2/3 parts ginger in this container, which I fucking love:



I will make a cup of tea and tell you if it is tasty.  From the supposed calming nature of the chamomile and lavender, and the supposed digestive calming properties of lavender and ginger, I'm calling this SHUT THE FUCK UP BRAIN, SIT THE FUCK DOWN GUTS tea.

[LMNO]

Lookin' good, Chops.

[Freeky]

Lookin' good, Chops.

  Thanks.

I will make a cup of tea and tell you if it is tasty. 

It's lovely.

[Freeky]

BLANABBA BARD

1 1/4 c sugar
1/2 c butter or margarine, softened
2 eggs
1 1/2 C mashed very ripe bananas, 3-4 medium
1/2 c buttermilk (make your own by using 1 1/2 tsp lemon juice and enough milk to make 1/2 c)
1 tsp vanilla
2 1/2 c all-purpose flour
1 tsp baking soda
1 tsp salt


1. Have too many bananas that are overripe, and double the recipe!
2. Decide to use dutch cocoa, since you have it!
3. Mix sugar and butter in large bowl. 
4. Stir in eggs until blended.
5. Smash those fucking bananas into steps 3 and 4.  Do it like they owe you money and won't cough up, the ungrateful bastards.
6. Don't forget the buttermilk and vanilla, bro.  Smooth that shit out with an electric beater.
7. Add flour by half-cups, using e. beater on the lowest setting.
8. At 1/2 c 9 of flour, decide that dutch cocoa is the same consistency as flour, so substitute 1/2 c 10 of flour for 1/2 c dutch cocoa.
9. Oh shit, need the baking soda and salt! Yup, didn't forget those at all... Nope.
10. The recipe said until just moist, and this looks like cake batter.... um...
11-15 FUCK IT! WE'RE DOING IT LIVE!
16. Grease some bread pans. I don't know how many, I don't even know what size these are.  Pour that shit in.


The oven needs to be at 350F.  Sooo... Start that up now, I guess.  Make a rack be in the center position.  Wait.

Put the pans in the oven. Check small ones at 45 minutes, big ones at an hour.  A toothpick is supposed to be stuck in the middle and come out clean, we'll see if it does.  If not, wait another 15 minutes.


ETA:  It's really, really fucking good you guys.

[Q. G. Pennyworth]

I think we could throw together a kickass recipe book if we went for it, I love the PD style.

[Mesozoic Mister Nigel]

I think we could throw together a kickass recipe book if we went for it, I love the PD style.

That would be fun AND hilarious.

[Freeky]

I think we could throw together a kickass recipe book if we went for it, I love the PD style.

I love this idea. 

[Eater of Clowns]

I think we could throw together a kickass recipe book if we went for it, I love the PD style.

As long as it has Alty's candied yams recipe. 

[Q. G. Pennyworth]

I think we could throw together a kickass recipe book if we went for it, I love the PD style.

As long as it has Alty's candied yams recipe. 

I think we'd need Roger's microwave egg recipe, too.

[The Good Reverend Roger]

I think we could throw together a kickass recipe book if we went for it, I love the PD style.

As long as it has Alty's candied yams recipe. 

I think we'd need Roger's microwave egg recipe, too.

I have expanded that sort of thing over the last two days.

"How I accidentally learned to make Turkish coffee and what Jenn's gonna do to me when she finds out."

[Q. G. Pennyworth]

I think we could throw together a kickass recipe book if we went for it, I love the PD style.

As long as it has Alty's candied yams recipe. 

I think we'd need Roger's microwave egg recipe, too.

I have expanded that sort of thing over the last two days.

"How I accidentally learned to make Turkish coffee and what Jenn's gonna do to me when she finds out."

Someday I will have money and spare time and I will hire a fucking editor and publicist for all of our shit.

[The Wizard Joseph]

Feel free to put my drink recipes in.