Principia Discordia

Principia Discordia => Discordian Recipes => Topic started by: Freeky on March 10, 2016, 06:25:46 pm

Title: I MAEDED SO MANY THINGS!
Post by: Freeky on March 10, 2016, 06:25:46 pm
Mostly tea, really.  But also preserves.  And chocolate banana bread later.

DEATH METAL TEA

3 BLOOD ORANGES
2 PINTS BLACKER THAN THE BLACKEST BLACKBERRIES
SALTED CHOCOLATE CARAMEL SAUCE
CINNAMIN STICKS
1/3 POUND NON SULPHURED PINEAPPLE, THE MOST BRUTAL OF ALL CITRUS FRUITS
AND FINALLY, MADAGASCAR VANILLA BEANS THAT ARE FRESH AND FRAGRAAAAANT

DISSECT THE BLOOD ORANGES
INTO 1/2 IN WIDE WEDGES
THEN PLACE THEM ON SEVERAL BAKING SHEETS

VISCERATE THE VANILLA BEANS
CHOP THEM INTO 1/4 IN PIECES
SPRINKLE OVER THE ORANGES

DRIZZLE THE SALTED CARAMEL SAUCE
OVER THE ORANGES AND VANILLA
LIKE THE TEARS OF ANGRY GODS

LET THAT SHIT SIT OVERNIGHT
IN THE DARK OF THE WORLD
THEY WILL LOSE SOME EXCESS MOISTURE

WHEN THE DAWN COMES
PUT THE SHEETS IN THE OVEN
AT 200 DEGREES(f)

WHEN THE ORANGES ARE SHRIVELLED
LIKE THE HEART OF A BEAST
YOU CAN TAKE THEM OUT TO COOL

DO THE SAME THING FOR THE BLACKBERRIES
YOU CAN ALSO SKIP LEAVING THEM OUT OVERNIGHT
BUT IT TAKES ABOUT TEN AND A HALF HOURS

CHOP UP THE PINEAPPLE
INTO 1/4 INCH BITS

PUT EVERYTHING IN THEIR COFFIN
A TIGHTLY SEALED CONTAINER

IT'S TIME TO PREPARE THE TEA
GET OUT YOUR TEA STRAINER

USE THREE CHUNKS OF PINEAPPLE
THREE CHUNKS OF BLACKBERRIES
THREE CHUNKS OF ORANGES

ONE STICK OF CINNAMON
AND, IF YOU LIKE,
5 WHOLE BLACK PEPPERCORNS

DROWN IT ALL IN COFFEEPOT HOT WATER
STEEP FOR FIVE MINUTES
GOOD FOR UP TO 3 USES

HYDRATE YOURSELF
WITH HAAAATRREEEEED

(http://i5.photobucket.com/albums/y153/Meiintas/Snapshot_20160310_1.jpg)

Plum and strawberry preserves

1 pound strawberries
7 plums
1/3 cup honey
a lot of sugar, probably 1 1/2 to 2 cups  (I didn't measure)
some cinnamon
Lemon juice, maybe 3 tbsp


Wash and cut up the plums any old way, because fuck it. Get rid of pits. Wash, de-stem, and cut up the strawberries into smaller pieces.  Throw them all in a saucepan.  Add sugar, cinnamon, and lemon juice.  Let it sit for an hour, maybe two.  Say fuck it again and start cooking them on high heat.  Add the honey.  Realize the plums are too hard, so reduce to low/mid-low heat.  Cook for another while, until they seem softer maybe.  Raise heat to high again, and hope for the best.  Get the candy thermometer and try to hold it steady while you stir, because your big pot has curry in it and the pan is too shallow to clip the thing to the side.  After it has been at a hard boil for a while, and the thermometer doesn't want to go above 200F for a while, take it off the heat and disinfect some canning jars and lids.  Damn near burn yourself with the vegetable sprayer, it builds character.  Scoop the fruit gunk into your jars.  Makes about 32 oz.

(http://i5.photobucket.com/albums/y153/Meiintas/Snapshot_20160310.jpg)


Orange blossom tea

5 cups of fresh orange blossom petals
1/8 cup cloves, maybe.  I didn't measure.
Black peppercorns? same amount?
1 lb strawberries

MAke sure your orange blossom petals don't have any bugs on them, and are clean.  Refrain from punching any babiesfrom the rage that the soggy horror of a mess gives you.  Put on a baking sheet, and bake in the oven at 200F, stirring every few minutes, until they are dry and curly.  This will not take long. They should be a sort of dark ivory color when they're done, and have reduced down to 1 cup.   Do the same with the strawberries, except leave them out overnight and then cook them, stirring every few hours. Add some cloves and black peppercorns.  Use a tbsp, maybe 1 1/2 in your tea strainer for one cup of tea, good for 2 or 3 uses.  A nice, flowery blend with darker notes.  Good with mesquite honey, but I'm pretty sure mesquite honey is good with everything.
Title: Re: I MAEDED SO MANY THINGS!
Post by: Nast on March 12, 2016, 04:11:59 am
The orange blossom tea sounds lovely! I should try gathering some while our tree is still blooming and experiment.
Title: Re: I MAEDED SO MANY THINGS!
Post by: Freeky on March 13, 2016, 04:48:03 am
It is very lovely, but make sure you wash your tea strainer in between uses very well, and don't let that tea sit too long in the strainer before resteeping.  Mine started oozing and it was gross.  The end.
Title: Re: I MAEDED SO MANY THINGS!
Post by: Freeky on May 10, 2016, 09:49:30 pm
Last month I made tea made with 6 black plums skinned and cut into tiny pieces, more pineapple bits, dried goji berries, cloves, and a kiwano.  Don't bother with the kiwano, I only bought it because I remembered I bought one before, and then when I got home I remembered I had no clue what to do with it the first time I bought it.  It doesn't really add anything to the tea, although it is tasty on its own.


This month, I FOUND SO MANY THINGS AT SPROUTS.  ERH MAH GERD, SPREHRTS! 

On top of buying white tea leaves, and a passion fruit tea with a black tea base, I bought the following:

Dried hibiscus flowers and juniper berries
(http://i5.photobucket.com/albums/y153/Meiintas/IMG_20160510_131508.jpg) (http://s5.photobucket.com/user/Meiintas/media/IMG_20160510_131508.jpg.html)

Chamomile flowers
(http://i5.photobucket.com/albums/y153/Meiintas/IMG_20160510_131414.jpg) (http://s5.photobucket.com/user/Meiintas/media/IMG_20160510_131414.jpg.html)

Coriander seeds and lavender flowers
(http://i5.photobucket.com/albums/y153/Meiintas/IMG_20160510_131438.jpg) (http://s5.photobucket.com/user/Meiintas/media/IMG_20160510_131438.jpg.html)

and dried, crystallized ginger
(http://i5.photobucket.com/albums/y153/Meiintas/IMG_20160510_131552.jpg) (http://s5.photobucket.com/user/Meiintas/media/IMG_20160510_131552.jpg.html)


I put 2 parts each of lavender, chamomile, coriander, and hibscus, one part juniper, and somewhere between 1/2 to 2/3 parts ginger in this container, which I fucking love:
(http://i5.photobucket.com/albums/y153/Meiintas/IMG_20160510_131613.jpg) (http://s5.photobucket.com/user/Meiintas/media/IMG_20160510_131613.jpg.html)


I will make a cup of tea and tell you if it is tasty.  From the supposed calming nature of the chamomile and lavender, and the supposed digestive calming properties of lavender and ginger, I'm calling this SHUT THE FUCK UP BRAIN, SIT THE FUCK DOWN GUTS tea.
Title: Re: I MAEDED SO MANY THINGS!
Post by: LMNO on May 10, 2016, 10:24:30 pm
Lookin' good, Chops.
Title: Re: I MAEDED SO MANY THINGS!
Post by: Freeky on May 10, 2016, 10:37:11 pm
Lookin' good, Chops.

 :)  Thanks.



I will make a cup of tea and tell you if it is tasty. 

It's lovely.
Title: Re: I MAEDED SO MANY THINGS!
Post by: Freeky on October 12, 2016, 05:41:48 am
BLANABBA BARD

1 1/4 c sugar
1/2 c butter or margarine, softened
2 eggs
1 1/2 C mashed very ripe bananas, 3-4 medium
1/2 c buttermilk (make your own by using 1 1/2 tsp lemon juice and enough milk to make 1/2 c)
1 tsp vanilla
2 1/2 c all-purpose flour
1 tsp baking soda
1 tsp salt


1. Have too many bananas that are overripe, and double the recipe!
2. Decide to use dutch cocoa, since you have it!
3. Mix sugar and butter in large bowl. 
4. Stir in eggs until blended.
5. Smash those fucking bananas into steps 3 and 4.  Do it like they owe you money and won't cough up, the ungrateful bastards.
6. Don't forget the buttermilk and vanilla, bro.  Smooth that shit out with an electric beater.
7. Add flour by half-cups, using e. beater on the lowest setting.
8. At 1/2 c 9 of flour, decide that dutch cocoa is the same consistency as flour, so substitute 1/2 c 10 of flour for 1/2 c dutch cocoa.
9. Oh shit, need the baking soda and salt! Yup, didn't forget those at all... Nope.
10. The recipe said until just moist, and this looks like cake batter.... um...
11-15 FUCK IT! WE'RE DOING IT LIVE!
16. Grease some bread pans. I don't know how many, I don't even know what size these are.  Pour that shit in.


The oven needs to be at 350F.  Sooo... Start that up now, I guess.  Make a rack be in the center position.  Wait.

Put the pans in the oven. Check small ones at 45 minutes, big ones at an hour.  A toothpick is supposed to be stuck in the middle and come out clean, we'll see if it does.  If not, wait another 15 minutes.


ETA:  It's really, really fucking good you guys.
Title: Re: I MAEDED SO MANY THINGS!
Post by: Q. G. Pennyworth on October 12, 2016, 12:24:49 pm
I think we could throw together a kickass recipe book if we went for it, I love the PD style.
Title: Re: I MAEDED SO MANY THINGS!
Post by: Mesozoic Mister Nigel on October 12, 2016, 04:01:14 pm
I think we could throw together a kickass recipe book if we went for it, I love the PD style.

That would be fun AND hilarious.
Title: Re: I MAEDED SO MANY THINGS!
Post by: Freeky on October 12, 2016, 04:56:45 pm
I think we could throw together a kickass recipe book if we went for it, I love the PD style.

I love this idea. 
Title: Re: I MAEDED SO MANY THINGS!
Post by: Eater of Clowns on October 12, 2016, 05:00:45 pm
I think we could throw together a kickass recipe book if we went for it, I love the PD style.

As long as it has Alty's candied yams recipe.  :lulz:
Title: Re: I MAEDED SO MANY THINGS!
Post by: Q. G. Pennyworth on October 12, 2016, 06:26:08 pm
I think we could throw together a kickass recipe book if we went for it, I love the PD style.

As long as it has Alty's candied yams recipe.  :lulz:

I think we'd need Roger's microwave egg recipe, too.
Title: Re: I MAEDED SO MANY THINGS!
Post by: The Good Reverend Roger on October 12, 2016, 06:44:47 pm
I think we could throw together a kickass recipe book if we went for it, I love the PD style.

As long as it has Alty's candied yams recipe.  :lulz:

I think we'd need Roger's microwave egg recipe, too.

I have expanded that sort of thing over the last two days.

"How I accidentally learned to make Turkish coffee and what Jenn's gonna do to me when she finds out."
Title: Re: I MAEDED SO MANY THINGS!
Post by: Q. G. Pennyworth on October 12, 2016, 06:46:47 pm
I think we could throw together a kickass recipe book if we went for it, I love the PD style.

As long as it has Alty's candied yams recipe.  :lulz:

I think we'd need Roger's microwave egg recipe, too.

I have expanded that sort of thing over the last two days.

"How I accidentally learned to make Turkish coffee and what Jenn's gonna do to me when she finds out."

Someday I will have money and spare time and I will hire a fucking editor and publicist for all of our shit.
Title: Re: I MAEDED SO MANY THINGS!
Post by: The Wizard Joseph on October 12, 2016, 07:26:36 pm
Feel free to put my drink recipes in.
Title: Re: I MAEDED SO MANY THINGS!
Post by: Mesozoic Mister Nigel on October 12, 2016, 10:01:40 pm
I think we could throw together a kickass recipe book if we went for it, I love the PD style.

As long as it has Alty's candied yams recipe.  :lulz:

He is a MASTER CHEF.
Title: Re: I MAEDED SO MANY THINGS!
Post by: NeonWytch on October 27, 2016, 02:35:40 am
I think we could throw together a kickass recipe book if we went for it, I love the PD style.
(http://puu.sh/rWSGm/f174302702.jpg)
Title: Re: I MAEDED SO MANY THINGS!
Post by: The Wizard Joseph on October 27, 2016, 02:45:07 am
I think we could throw together a kickass recipe book if we went for it, I love the PD style.
(http://puu.sh/rWSGm/f174302702.jpg)

 :lulz: :lulz: Marvelous!
Title: Re: I MAEDED SO MANY THINGS!
Post by: Mesozoic Mister Nigel on October 28, 2016, 03:33:20 pm
I think we could throw together a kickass recipe book if we went for it, I love the PD style.
(http://puu.sh/rWSGm/f174302702.jpg)

 :lulz: :lulz: :lulz:
Title: Re: I MAEDED SO MANY THINGS!
Post by: Freeky on December 24, 2016, 05:31:28 am
Today, we get extremely ambitious and make a main course PLUS A SIDE!

Fried Rice

Basmati Rice, 2 cups
3 jumbo eggs
corn
peas
carrots
broccoli
soy sauce
sesame oil


1. Cook the rice an hour and a half before dinner is supposed to start, because fried rice takes for fucking ever.  Holy shit, you're on top of this shit tonight.
2. Hot damn, that rice is fucking perfectly cooked.  Let that shit cool completely.
3. Thaw the carrots and peas, corn, and broccoli, because frozen shit is precooked and that cuts cook time by a bit.  Wait, how the fuck has it been 45 minutes?  Uh, scramble the eggs with some oil and soy sauce in.  Just a bit, you don't need to drown the eggs in that crap. 
4. Cook those eggs.  Oh, oh no.  No, time what are you doing.  No time STAHP
5. Stir fry the vegetables in sesameoil andsoy sauce.
6.Stirfry therice andvegetablesand addtheeggs last whyisn'ttherea biggerpan fuck
6.5 SALT ALL THE THINGS

Orange Chicken

SAUCE:
rice vinegar
the zest of 4 ORANGES
orange juice
brown sugar
ancho chile pepper
garlic powder

MEATS:
6 chicken thighs
flour
corn starch
salt
pepper
oil



7. PANIC BECAUSE YOU HAVEN'T EVEN STARTED CUTTING THE THIGHS UP AND YOU'VE GOT LIKE 15 MINTUES BEFORE DINNER
8. Pour some orange juice in a pan.  Add a little vinegar, the zest, some brown sugar (not as much as the zest), the spices. Stare blankly into the pan and the void beyond, and decide to add some soy sauce and terriyaki sauce, also.  Put it on the back burner to begin reducing. Shit, hope that's enough!
9. Cut the chicken quite thin, it'll speed up the cook time and also possibly will come out crunchy or some other more appropriate word.
11. mix like a cup of flour and a cup of corn starch.  Yeah, that looks like enough.
12 are you forgetting anything fuck hope not OIL FUCK SHIT
13. Start heating up the oil.  This is taking a lot longer than you expected.
14. Ah, good, we're up to putting the chicken in the actual oil now.  This will take a long time, because the pan is still too small.
15. Still frying that chicken.
16. Fuck meals that consist of entree + side.  Srsly.
17. Hallelujah, the chicken is all done, and the sauce is about done, too.  Oh.  Oh no.  Is that enough sauce?
18. Add chicken.  Stare in horror, because it doesn't look like it'll be enough sauce.
19. stir that chicken good and hard.  If you stir long enough, you'll get the sauce to touch all the surfaces, and therefore it'll be on all the chicken. Technically.

It's not bad, probably next time I make the chicken I'll use just corn starch, but jesus christ I hate making meals.  The quantity of fried rice alone was enough to last me a week.
Title: Re: I MAEDED SO MANY THINGS!
Post by: Freeky on January 09, 2017, 09:25:49 pm
WASSAIL

2 quarts apple cider
1 quart pineapple juice
1/4 lb dried cranberries
a handful of dried cherries
cinnamon
oranges
cloves
pumpkin pie spice

Cut oranges in half, and if you have whole coves put a bunch in the oranges, but ground cloves still work.  Go easy on the cinnamon if you don't have sticks (take the sticks out after about 6 hours).
Put all that shit in a crockpot, cook on high for an hour and a half, then keep it on the Warm setting overnight. 
Squeeze the oranges into the pot, then toss them out.  Strain all the stuff out if you want, but the fruit makes for a nice snack while you're drinking.

You could probably put hard liquor in, too, but I don't know what would go best.  Go nuts.
Title: Re: I MAEDED SO MANY THINGS!
Post by: Freeky on January 20, 2017, 11:31:06 pm
FUCK YOU, IT'S RUM CAKE!

You're gonna need:

A box of yellow cake mix
1/2 cup of rum (the origninal called for Bacardi gold, but all I have is Captain Morgan Black Bell so who the fuck even cares)
4 eggs
1/2 cup oil
1/2 cup water
1 ounce dry vanilla pudding mix

another 1/2 cup rum
1 1/4 cup sugar
2 valencia orange squeezings
1/2 cup butter (salted is fine)
1/4 cup water

PUT ALL THE EGGS AND THE FIRST GROUPING OF WET INGREDIENTS IN A BIG FUCKEN BOWL AND USE A HAND MIXER TO BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF IT ACTUALLY UNTIL JUST BLENDED, THEN THROW IN THE BOX OF CAKE MIX AND THE PUDDING MIX AND REALLY BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF IT FOR LIKE 4 MINUTES UNTIL THAT SHIT IS SMOOTH.  GREASE UP YOUR FUCKEN BIG CAKE WHATEVER AND HEAT YOUR OVEN TO 350F, THROW THAT SHIT IN THERE! COOK ABOUT 40 MINUTES, OR UNTIL IT'S FUCKIN DONE.

TEN MINUTES BEFORE YOUR FUCKIN RUM CAKE IS DONE, SLAM A FUCKIN SAUCEPAN ON YOUR STOVE AND THROW THAT BUTTER IN UNTIL IT MELTS!  ADD ALL THE THINGS, BRING TO A BOIL, AND DROP IT BACK DOWN TO JUST A FUCKIN' SIMMER FOR A WHILE.  WE'RE MAKING A GLAZE HERE, SO USE YOUR OWN FUCKIN DISCRETION FOR CONSISTENCY.

CAKE'S DONE!  STAB THAT SHIT GENTLY WITH A SKEWER OR A BIG FUCKIN FORK, AND POUR LIKE HALF THE GLAZE SHIT OVER THE CAKE.  YOU FILL THOSE FUCKIN' HOLES, GLAZE!  PICK A THING ON WHICH THE CAKE WILL REST, CUT THE BUMPY PART OFF AND FLIP YOUR CAKE WHATEVER OVER, DUMPING THE RUM CAKE OUT.  POUR THE REST OF THE RUM GLAZE OVER THE CAKE EVENLY.  HOLY SHIT, EAT THE FUCK OUT OF IT AND BE AMAZE AT THE GOODNESS.
Title: Re: I MAEDED SO MANY THINGS!
Post by: Freeky on January 27, 2017, 07:49:39 am
Another attempt at making .20 cent ramen edible.

1 1/2 pound baby carrots
5 small potatoes or so
2 pounds of bacon ends
1 sweet onion

Preheat oven OH SHIT LOOK AT THAT PREP WORK YEAAAAH! to 350F

cut baby carrots into thirds and make a layer at the bottom of a glass pan
slice the onion pretty thin oh god dammit fuck you onions, CRYING NOW.
after you've half drowned yourself washing the onion fumes out of your face, layer bacon on top neatly. Don't want to see any onion or carrot.
cook until carrots are soft in the oven, set bacon aside and put onions and carrots in a big pot.
Shit, forgot to cook the potatoes.  Well, there's plenty of bacon grease, anyway.
scrub the potatoes and cut them into very small wedges.
salt and pepper and paprika them, and toss into the bacon grease.
watch youtube and completely forget you're cooking for an hour, remember after the grease starts burning but before the potatoes are blackened.
throw potatoes into pot, add two bowls of water, and simmer.
watch youtube and forget you're cooking for an hour, remember when all the liquid is gone and the stuff is beginning to stick to the bottom.
throw two more bowls of water in and remove from heat.

Later, cook some ramen noodles and add the flavor packet to a bowl of the soup you made.  It's edible, not much else.
Title: Re: I MAEDED SO MANY THINGS!
Post by: Freeky on March 07, 2017, 07:07:54 am
POOR PEOPLE PASTA

1 bag of angel hair pasta
1 can cream of mushroom condensed soup
1/2 can whole milk

This is disgusting, don't bother making it.

-takes another bite-
Title: Re: I MAEDED SO MANY THINGS!
Post by: Freeky on April 15, 2017, 02:40:55 am
Stuffed Mushroom Dinner

5 Portobello Mushrooms
2 1/4 cups imitation crab, finely chopped
1 cup cream cheese
1 cup finely chopped parsley
1 cup chopped green onions
1/2 cup parmesan cheese, grated
1 lb bacon slices
bread crumbs

1. Remove stem from mushroom. Realize you have no idea how to clean a mushroom. Maybe if you stick it under water...? Okay it's peeling, is that supposed to happen? What are you supposed to do with the fluting? You guess you'll just remove it...?

2. Dump the block of room temp cream cheese in. Remove parself leaves from stems. Gosh, this is taking a while, maybe my fingers are not the most efficient, but how do you get rid of the stems otherwise? Okay, good, now do the green onions. Now the crab, and the cheese. Okay, now mix it all together. Realize that you probably should have smashed the cream cheese a bit, to make it easier to work. Oh well, it's fine, you're sure.

2.5. Pour some oil over the mushroom caps, which will be the bottom. I bet olive oil would be nice.

3. Fill the mushrooms with the mix.

4. Wrap the mushrooms in enough slices of bacon to cover the tops, folding the bacon over itself on the bottom, like you're wrapping a bow the wrong way around.

5. Shit, you forgot the bread crumbs AND to preheat the oven. Well, preheat to 375F, you guess. And, uh, sprinkle the bread crumbs over the bacon generously. Whatever, it'll be fine.

6. Having already put the mushrooms on a cookie sheet, slide those tasty treats in the oven and wait. Check after 20 minutes, then check in 5 minute intervals until done because this is the first time you've done this and you made it up and they're not done cooking but you don't want to forget how you made it so you're writing the recipe NOW.

7. Enjoy the hell out of it, hopefully.
Title: Re: I MAEDED SO MANY THINGS!
Post by: Mesozoic Mister Nigel on April 15, 2017, 03:13:39 am
I would eat like 500 of these.
Title: Re: I MAEDED SO MANY THINGS!
Post by: The Wizard Joseph on April 15, 2017, 04:00:59 am
Sounds like an edible food! You can leave the gills in, and just a gentle rinse is good. The stems you can probably chop up and put in the mix or add to the bread crumbs topping.
Title: Re: I MAEDED SO MANY THINGS!
Post by: Freeky on April 15, 2017, 05:21:23 am
Just a quick note, it ended up being 25 minutes (but the center were warm and not hot, and the mushrooms in the center were underdone) so maybe do these at 350F for 30 minutes and then hit it with the braise setting for another five minutes to get teh bread crumbs nice and brown and crispy.

I would eat like 500 of these.

I saulte you, I was only able to eat one before it was too much for me.

Sounds like an edible food! You can leave the gills in, and just a gentle rinse is good. The stems you can probably chop up and put in the mix or add to the bread crumbs topping.

I'll remember that for next time! :)
Title: Re: I MAEDED SO MANY THINGS!
Post by: Freeky on April 19, 2017, 07:14:03 am
HAM CARAMEL

1 stick of butter, salted
brown sugar, some
honey, a little
lemon juice, a little

Melt butter. Throw everything else in. Stir stir stir stir stir stir stir don't let that shit burn. When it smells like it might start to burn, remove from heat. Either pour over a ham as a glaze (and bake for like 15 minutes) or let it cool some, shape it into cubes or balls or what have you and put in the fridge.

Enjoy either your ham or your caramel, or both, fuckit, there's plenty of mixture.