The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)

[Doktor Howl]

So, the genius thing about IT "security" is having to change your password periodically.  Which means people don't remember them.  Which means people write them down.

People like my new boss.

muhaha

[Anna Mae Bollocks]

I want to see the emails he sends. 

[Doktor Howl]

Interviewing younger millennials is fun.  Billy and I had the privilege today.

Me:  "So, let's see.  You have a double major in biology and mathematics from the U of A.  3.8 GPA.  Very impressive."

Tina:  "Thank you."

Me:  "Don't thank me, you did it.  Anyway, you know what we do here?"

Tina:  "The ad said statistical analysis on existential threats."

Me:  "Yes.  Ads lie, though.  What we do is extract money from <agency>, because <agency> cannot be trusted with money."

Tina:  "Excuse me?"

Me:  "Your university degree requirements included history, yes?"

Tina:  "Of course."

Me:  "Then you should know that <agency> cannot be trusted with money.  Because money is power, and <agency> goes absolutely berserk with any amount of power it may have.  This is documented fact."

Billy:  "It's true."

Me:  "So while we do in fact spend a lot of time crunching numbers on various end of civilization scenarios, that is in fact secondary."

Billy:  "Because <agency> having money is actually one of those scenarios."

Tina:  "..."

Me:  "So we take the money and spend it wisely."

Tina:  "What counts as wisely?"

Me:  "Right now, it's a death ray."

Tina:  "WHAT?"

Me:  "Just kidding.  Mostly we spend the money on contractors that help us find new problems that require money.  Think of us as the brakes on an overheated, out of control system that is full of crazy people."

Tina:  "Yes.  Crazy people.  I see."

Billy:  "Are you having some kind of ethical crisis here?"

Tina:  "Yes, and I'm not sure..."

Me:  "Your salary will be <amount>.  Not bad for right out of college."

Tina:  "..."

Me:  "Let's go talk to the senior director.  I'd like to start you as soon as your clearance goes through."

Tina:  "..."

Me:  "If he starts screaming for no reason, just pretend it's not happening.  He'll stop soon enough."

Tina:  "..."

Billy:  "Welcome to The Corporation, Tina."

Me:  "We're going to do great things."

[Doktor Howl]

My life now basically revolves around analysis.  Projects and cases start with a lack of data and are closed on my terms.

"My terms" does not mean input from bean counters 2200 miles from my facilities.  Nor does it mean an arbitrary set of decisions made by people who are not actually in the decision-making team.  Everyone else's jobs look easy, so why NOT tell Doktor Howl how he should do his job?  I can actually answer that question, though, as I have a great deal of pent-up wrath that needs disposing of, and I don't believe in raining that sort of shit down on my subordinates.

Example:  My unionized employees get time and a half on Saturday and double time on Sunday, and we bid a project accordingly.  The guys all took one day off later in the week (our week goes Saturday to Friday) for some R&R, as we are going to be working for several weekends.

Useless Payroll Object emails me and tells me that they're not getting OT for Sunday because they all took a weekday off.  No 40 hours, no overtime.

But the contract doesn't say that.  It says "Any work suffered on Saturday is time and a half, and any work suffered on Sunday is at double time."

Useless Payroll Object says that *offends* her, and sends the wrong incentives and why do they all get a one hour lunch instead of a half hour?

I once again explain that A) the contract is clear, B) we bid this job at overtime and double time, and if we pay our people less, we've committed a federal crime, and C) neither of those things care if her little authoritarian heart is offended by the idea that we pay people extra for extra work.

She argued some more, so I fed her to the union rep.  The End.

[chaotic neutral observer]

Billy:  "Are you having some kind of ethical crisis here?"

Tina:  "Yes, and I'm not sure..."

Me:  "Your salary will be <amount>.  Not bad for right out of college."

Tina:  "..."

You see, Tina, your salary isn't just compensation for the work you'll do, it's part of the service you provide; helping to extract money from <agency>.  In fact, it would be unethical not to take their money.

[Doktor Howl]

Billy:  "Are you having some kind of ethical crisis here?"

Tina:  "Yes, and I'm not sure..."

Me:  "Your salary will be <amount>.  Not bad for right out of college."

Tina:  "..."

You see, Tina, your salary isn't just compensation for the work you'll do, it's part of the service you provide; helping to extract money from <agency>.  In fact, it would be unethical not to take their money.

It is absolutely amazing how naming a figure made her convince herself of that.

Gaze into the abyss and make it flinch.

[Doktor Howl]

Tina's security clearance bounced on a pot charge from 6 years ago.

I overrode that with a little string pulling, and she starts on Tuesday.

What's amazing to me is what I *thought* a flex was 10 years ago vs what it *is* in reality.

[Doktor Howl]

Tina's first day.:

Me:  "So, are you all done with your on-boarding tasks?"

Tina:  "Yes.  I have to admit that I was surprised I got cleared."

Me:  "What, because of the pot conviction?"

Tina:  "Yeah.  I was certain I was going to get turned down."

Me:  "Yes, drug charges have a way of doing that.  But you don't have any drug convictions."

Tina:  "Wait."

Me:  "Just assume that the bad dream you had about a pot conviction fell down behind the biggest digital filing cabinet ever."

Tina:  "You made it go away?"

Me:  "I lack the power to do that.  That would require the involvement of a judge, at the very least."

Tina:  "So what happened?"

Me:  "No idea.  Here's your clearance letter.  See?  No pot conviction.  It was probably just a bad dream you had."

Tina:  "Um.  This is sort of terrifying, really."

Me:  "The world of government contracting is in fact terrifying.  The trick, you see, is to pretend there really isn't a gigantic T Rex looming right behind you, and merely present a moving target as a matter of habit.  Also, it's a Tucson Rule thing.

Tina:  "Tucson rule?"

Me:  "The Tucson Rule states:  This is Tucson, and your rules do not apply here.  Anyway, you've already met Billy, so let's introduce you to Norton and Sideways Dave."

Tina:  "Sideways Dave?  How do you get a nickname like that?

Me:  "It involves a pressure suit and an act of perversion.  I want you to ask yourself if you're happier not knowing the details."

Tina:  "Um, yeah, I think I'm okay."

Me:  "Let's go meet them.  Walk this way."

Tina:  "If I could walk that way, I wouldn't have needed a job."

Me:  "Tina, I am incredibly ancient and vile, and I have seen everything Monty Python ever did."

*walks into 4th floor office*

Me:  "Sideways Dave, this is Tina."

SD:  "Hello.  Watch out for this Norton fellow here, he's sick in the head."

Tina:  "..."

Norton:  "Hello, Tina.  I am not sick in the head."

SD:  "What would someone say if they were sick in the head?  They'd say 'I am not sick in the head.'"

Tina:  "..."

Norton:  "..."

Me:  "There.  Everyone knows everyone.  Your office is down that hall to the left."

Tina:  "I get an office?"

SD:  "Teacher's pet."

Tina:  *glare*

SD:  *GRIN*

Me:  "In any case, the file you need is already loaded in your computer, under the file name 'anaerobic threat'."

SD:  "How come she gets an office and I get a cube?"

Me:  "We've discussed this, SD.  When you can be trusted with a door, you'll get one."

SD:  *scowl*

Tina:  "This conversation has made me stop worrying about the clearance thing."

Me:  "That's encouraging."

Tina:  "Now I feel like the T Rex is looming in *front* of me.  I am now going to be a moving target."  *walks to office and closes door*

Norton:  "Don't you ever feel bad about doing this shit?"

Me:  *stares three seconds too long*

Norton:  "Don't say it."

Me:  "This is all normal, Norton."

[Faust]

Me:  "In any case, the file you need is already loaded in your computer, under the file name 'anaerobic threat'."

Bacterial existential threat? Sorry sorry, one of the bacterial existential threats?

[Doktor Howl]

Me:  "In any case, the file you need is already loaded in your computer, under the file name 'anaerobic threat'."

Bacterial existential threat? Sorry sorry, one of the bacterial existential threats?

Causes a shit ton of infrastructure damage that you can't see occurring.

No part of piping is your friend, ever.

[Doktor Howl]

I was told today that I can't make my employees wear jump suits and mirrored helmets, and I have to ask myself WHAT'S THE POINT, THEN?

[altered]

Sounds like step two is jumpsuits and respirators. Full-mask first, then half-mask if your hand is forced. Then jumpsuits and goggles, IF AND ONLY IF they let you have a giant combat robot of doom. You absolutely need jumpsuited, begoggled technicians if there's a fucking Gundam on site, after all.

After that, it's time to ensure management understands the importance of uniforms that grin threateningly no matter what the person wearing it is doing with their face.

[Doktor Howl]

Sounds like step two is jumpsuits and respirators. Full-mask first, then half-mask if your hand is forced. Then jumpsuits and goggles, IF AND ONLY IF they let you have a giant combat robot of doom. You absolutely need jumpsuited, begoggled technicians if there's a fucking Gundam on site, after all.

After that, it's time to ensure management understands the importance of uniforms that grin threateningly no matter what the person wearing it is doing with their face.

We don't have a Gundam, but we probably should.

[Doktor Howl]

Today at work, Tina was a terrorist.

Billy:  "Hey, Norton, ask Tina if she's danced with her sister lately."

Norton:  "What?"

Billy:  "Funny story.  Just do it."

Norton:  Walks to Tina's office*

Norton:  "Hey, Tina, have you danced with your sister lately?"

Tina:  "MY SISTER IS IN A WHEELCHAIR, YOU ASSHOLE."

Norton:  *Shrivels up like a raisin in the Arizona sun*

Tina:  *laughs*

Billy:  *laughs*

Sideways Dave:  "NICE ONE, HERMANA!"

Me:  "Norton, are you still in Nebraska?  Seriously?"

Norton:  *glares at Billy*

Billy:  "Hey, it was her joke, I just set it up."

Tina:  "Sideways Dave just called me sister.  Should I worry?"

Me:  "No, this is all normal."

[Anna Mae Bollocks]

Your job is more fun that Corporate America(TM) allows.