The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)

[Doktor Howl]

Today at work:

Me:  "Okay, folks, we have a new project."

Billy:  "It must be Friday."

Me:  "Obviously.  Anyway, we are to track semiconductor trade in the far East."

Tina:  "Wait.  What do we know about commodities?"

Me:  "Absolutely nothing.  But this comes from the deputy director of <agency>, so it's gospel."

Norton:  "Don't they have people for this?  Like people who do this for a living?"

Me:  "This is what we do for a living.  We are Science Pirates, and right now we're pillaging <other agency's> budget."

Tina:  "YARRRRR!"

Sideways Dave:  *GRIN*

Norton:  "..."

Billy:  "Oh, yes, I can definitely take their money."

Norton:  "I am unsure I want 'pirate' on my resume."

Tina:  "I cannot bear the notion of NOT having 'pirate' on my resume."

Me:  "Okay, each of you is being assigned a market.  What we are looking for is unexplained, short price increases in the metals outlined in the file, thus telling us that some of those metals have gone missing or been traded on a shadow market.  Let's assume I made some faux-nautical comments, and everyone get started.  The good news is the markets aren't open on the weekend, so we really start this on Monday.  Just use the rest of today to poke around the markets on the internet and figure out where to look."

Norton:  "But this will take like 2 hours a day.  What do we do with the rest of the time?"

Me:  *stares in boss*

Norton:  "Oh, right.  Another Abba binge."

Tina:  "This is the best job ever."

Me:  "We're going to commit great acts of piracy on the high bureaucracy."

[Doktor Howl]

Today at work:

Tina:  "Billy says your title at your last place was 'wizard'."

Me:  "Billy talks too much."

Tina:  "So was your title actually 'wizard'?"

Me:  "Yes.  But I feel I should mention that my boss was under a lot of stress when he did that."

Tina:  "So yes."

Me:  "Yes."

Tina:  "So wizard me a sandwich, bish."

Me:  "..."

Tina:  "This is hungry work."

[Doktor Howl]

The ruckus at work today:

So imagine you're a 40 something private security guard who peaked in the Navy in 2000 or so, and you don't really think about the 20+ years of hamburgers between then and now.  And there's this hot new girl up in the <agency> office, fresh out of college.
So you find an excuse to go chat her up.

She doesn't seem to be receiving the message you're sending, and asks you to leave her office.  Heh.  Playing hard to get.  Keep chatting.
But there's a couple of things you didn't know.

1.  Her boss thoughtfully installed a panic button at everyone's desk.

2.  The panic button doesn't go to your clown coworkers.  No.  It goes somewhere else entirely.

And when you look up and down the hallway, there's Hamish coming from one direction, with a US Marshal behind him.

And the other direction has Sideways Dave, dancing to music only he can hear coming the other way.  700 pounds of angry humans are coming to explain to you, in terms you will understand, the error of your ways.

Fade to black.

[Junkenstein]

If there is no siren or fireman pole involved you're really not squandering that budget hard enough.

[Anna Mae Bollocks]

Flying dogs would be a nice addition. Not that they're necessary. It's just that in these situations, excess is FUN.

[chaotic neutral observer]

Today, I was randomly assigned to the marketing group for "fresh ideas."

Clayton:  "Our new product is clearly superior to the existing products, but the market is saturated with older product.  We need ways to penetrate that market."

Doug:  "I wrote a new vision statement..."

Me:  "Shut up, Doug."

Clayton:  "Yes.  Shut up.  We are not here to write business plans or vision statements, we are here to come up with WAYS. TO MOVE. PRODUCT.  So instead of whatever Dilbert crap you have floating in your head, give me things that will actually get people to sit up and take notice."

Me:  "You can stab your enemies from 700 miles away."

I recently took up archery, and, almost three years after you wrote it, that line suddenly makes perfect sense.

[Doktor Howl]

Today, I was randomly assigned to the marketing group for "fresh ideas."

Clayton:  "Our new product is clearly superior to the existing products, but the market is saturated with older product.  We need ways to penetrate that market."

Doug:  "I wrote a new vision statement..."

Me:  "Shut up, Doug."

Clayton:  "Yes.  Shut up.  We are not here to write business plans or vision statements, we are here to come up with WAYS. TO MOVE. PRODUCT.  So instead of whatever Dilbert crap you have floating in your head, give me things that will actually get people to sit up and take notice."

Me:  "You can stab your enemies from 700 miles away."

I recently took up archery, and, almost three years after you wrote it, that line suddenly makes perfect sense.

That's quite a bow you have there.   

[Doktor Howl]

So the Tina/Sideways bromance is coming right along.

There's nothing going on (Dave is not sexually interested in multicellular life), it's just that they're now besties.

A couple of things I have noticed about this:

1.  Tina is now a person that feels totally safe, which seems to make humans unreasonably happy and creative.

2.  The moving target has come to an arrangement with the T-Rex.  You should stay out of the swamps if you know what's good for you.  Just because Tina is safe doesn't mean you're safe.  Imagine if little Red Riding Hood had an arrangement like this with wolves.  Fuck that woodcutter creep, right?  Come around here and you'll get sent home in an ambulance.  Just kidding.  You won't be going home.

[Doktor Howl]

Today at work:

Billy:  "Hey, Hamish, you remember my cousin Larry?"

Me: "Yeah, that's the one on the chamber of commerce, right?"

Billy:  "Not anymore.  He got assigned to tourism."

Tina:  "Tourism?  In TUCSON?"

Norton:  *wince*

Sideways Dave:  *GRIN*

Billy:  "Yeah, he's not the happiest man I know."

Me:  "We should help him.  We could think up slogans."

Tina (wild-eyed):  "Our official city sport is SKIN CANCER!"

SD:  "Tucson sex tourism!  Come to Tucson, GET FUCKED."

Me:  "The last vacation you'll ever need!"

Norton:  "Ride the majestic tarantula hawk!"

Me:  "Billy, aren't you going to write these down?"

Billy:  "Why?  He's on speaker phone."

Larry:  "Fuck you guys."

Tina:  "RUDE!"

Me:  "You're going to do great things, Larry."

[Doktor Howl]

Tina:  "This sirocco bullshit you have in Tucson is CRAP!  The wind should NOT be hotter than the still air."

Me:  "We?  You grew up here.  You've never in fact left Tucson in your life."

Tina:  "Yes, but every year it's a fresh surprise.  It's like every July God calls up just to insult me."

Me:  "..."

Tina:  "And my mom."

Me:  "..."

Tina:  "And my dog."

Me:  "Well, you're not wrong."

[altered]

Tina is amazing.

[Doktor Howl]

Tina is amazing.

She is.

What Tina doesn't know is that she is leaving Tucson after all this time, for a week, because I have unspent money and she needs to see Washington.

In August.

Anyway, she will be properly briefed about you lowlanders.

[altered]

The question is if she'll be properly armed to deal with us, really.

Still, exciting!

[Brin]

I lost a dance off with the chief deputy US Marshall for the Southwest today.

My condolences on losing the Southwest to a cop. What region is the prize for the next dance off?

[Doktor Howl]

I lost a dance off with the chief deputy US Marshall for the Southwest today.

My condolences on losing the Southwest to a cop. What region is the prize for the next dance off?

Pennsylvania.

Suck it, SCA freaks!