The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)

[Junkenstein]

Yesterday at work:

New hire starts. This is normal. He's a bit off. This is also normal. This place is home to ruffians, derelicts, the damaged and derranged. Those who do not belong realise quite quickly. It takes others some time.

New Guy's opening gambit: I love politics, but no one ever wants to talk about it.
Me: Well. That's unusual. I too, love politics and have no one to talk about it with. So, starter for ten, where are you on the scale then? Because I'm somewhere left of Chairman Mao.
He:Oh, err, I'm more the other way. Lefties don't get things done.
Me:There are holes where mountains used to be thanks to Mao. There's also a fantastic lefty invention and concept that got loads done. Ever heard of Equality in execution? Guillotine?
He:What?
Me: How do you feel about the idea of a maximum wage instead of a minimum one?
He:Bad?
Me:Consider the job you are here to do and consider what you are being paid. There is no progression here. There is no chance of advancement, training, success or anything positive. Would it not be nice to be paid a litte better?
He: Yes, but that won't happen.
Me:NOT WITH THAT ATTITUDE COMRADE. RAISE THE RED FLAG.
He:What?
The angry Kurd: YOU WON'T GET ME I'M PART OF THE UNION
Me: PART OF THE UNION
He: Till the day I , wait what?
Me: He's joking, no one here is. It's more sort of a warring gangs culture.

[Doktor Howl]

 

[Doktor Howl]

So today I got word that the chances of the house funding our work for this year are somewhere between Kanye West winning a Nobel Prize and McCarthy winning the speakership.

We were rather politely informed that we should probably start tidying up loose ends and removing personal objects from our desks.  Even Sideways Dave.  Especially Sideways Dave.  We are not fools, however, and we saw this coming.  I've managed to secure a position for us with an unsavory defense contractor who shall not be named, and the best part is, we're doing the same exact work.

Everyone is on board, except perhaps Tina, who has been approached by the Federal Marshal's Service.  Dave and I told her to do what she thinks is best.  Obviously, losing her from the working team would hurt, but it also never hurts to have a friend in the federal police when you do what we do.  She has told me she will give me an answer on Monday. 

So, bad news:  No job.

Good news:  New job, more money, same team, less oversight.

[Faust]

like the saying goes, a cat always lands armed to the teeth with experimental explosive ordinance

[Doktor Howl]

First project for the new bosses.

Fucking MISSOURI, of all places.  There's this subcontracted factory there, which is supposed to make <widget> that is a critical part of <shiny new war crime>, only they aren't making very many, and half of what they DO make doesn't function properly.  Needless to say, this has left our new bosses concerned, because Goddamn, they love their <shiny new war crime>.

Turns out, subcontractor bought the factory to get the contract, and they got taken for a ride.  The plant's power is shit, their distribution is shit, their machine tooling is shit, and everyone is underpaid.

Now, does anyone else see the fatal flaw in underpaying people who make ultra-modern weaponry? 

So we spent Monday and Tuesday wandering around and taking notes.  Wednesday, we met with the owners.

Me:  "As much as it pains me to say so, I feel that you guys should be given a second chance.  A clean slate."

Owners/Sr Mgt:  *Look relieved. One even smiles*.

Me: "BUT."

SD:  *GRIN*

Me: "There are going to be some changes.  Rather drastic changes."

Owners/Sr Mgt: *alarmed look*

Me:  *details long list of upgrades to plant and equipment*

Owners:  *rage begins to grow*

Me:  *Details minimum compensation for employees*

Owners:  *Rage intensifies*

Me:  "Don't look at me like that.  You haven't earned the right to do so, and your ideas on sustainable profitability cause me to seriously question your status of 'bipeds'.  By which I mean your ideas are foolish and wrong.  Your employee turnover is bad for profitability and bad for plant security.  That's not good for anyone.  Anyway, the good news is, I figure the required changes are going to set you back about $16 Mn this year.  Stacked up against what you will make, that is fairly small potatoes."

Owner #2:  *starts to choke on coffee*

Billy:  "That's an alarming shade of purple, dude."

Tina:  "Just think of it as cutting the fat, Billy."

SD:  *GRIN*

Me: "Oh, and two members of my team will be remaining local for the rest of the year, just to keep you on the straight and narrow.  Billy and Norton have volunteered."

Norton:  "The fuck I did."

Me:  "Don't be stupid.  I asked your wives.  You get to live rent free for a year, you get to bring your families with, and you can just pile up cash while you handle *gestures vaguely at owners and sr mgt* these."

Billy:  "I'm down."

Owner #2:  "I don't have to take this shit."

Me:  "You are correct.  You don't.  You could in fact get yourself into a breach of contract with the big boys.  You're not hustling US Electric Boats anymore, or some hapless beltway bandit.  Now, I don't know if you know <corporation> very well, but I do.  They have a whole cube farm full of lawyers that are disappointed with their lives.  So, you have two choices.  You can either make money like Goddamn pharaohs, or you can be all butthurt and get sued until you wither up like George Burns.  You have to decide."

Owner #2:  "FUCK YOU JACK YOU DON'T..."

Owner #1:  *puts hand over #2's mouth.  "We accept."

Me:  "Then I guess our business here today is done."

Owner #2:  *glares*

Me:  "We're going to do great things to people, owner thing."

 

[altered]

Owner 2 is probably going to try and sabotage everything at some point. Wait until he has a bad day (and I've lived in Missouri, you don't exactly have a fucking shortage of the days you should have stayed in bed) and catch him actively fucking things up on purpose and blaming your guys. If it's a REALLY bad day, he might decide he's in a movie and pull some dramatic stunt. No matter what, he will certainly yell "DON'T FUCK WITH ME" at least once in this time frame, while looking like a rampaging proboscis monkey.

I know his type. If you edge in on his territory, you are a demonic entity and need to be destroyed at all costs. No one tells him what to do. His buddy, Owner 1, probably is good at distracting him, but that's where the bad day part comes in. And yeah, they're definitely friends -- business-only, he'd bite that man's fingers right in front of you so he could tell you off.

I'm sure you're all very much aware of this, of course. I just think it would be impolite of Billy to not set up a camera in a side office, so you can laugh it up when your man tumbles into the ocean.

[Doktor Howl]

Owner 2 is probably going to try and sabotage everything at some point.

We're sort of counting on that.

[Junkenstein]

Owner 2 is probably going to try and sabotage everything at some point.

We're sort of counting on that.

As are considerable chunks of Africa, Asia and the Middle East.

The remaining chunks are probably hoping owner thing #2 can deliver what he promised them.

[Doktor Howl]

Tina:  "So Shiny New War Crime™ isn't really an accurate name for the project."

Me:  "Why not?"

Tina:  "It's shiny and it's new but I checked and it's apparently not against any of the international conventions."

Me:  "That's because nobody ever thought they'd need a rule about this.  The first time it gets used, it gets outlawed. Also, Shiny New War Crime™ is the name of the working group, not this project, as of today."

Tina:  "Why?"

Me:  "The money people get worried about names like that."

Tina:  "Okay, so what is the project name now?"

Me:  "500 Kg of Disproportionate Response."

Sideways Dave:  *GRIN*

Tina:  "I like it.  But how do we know it will be disproportionate?"

Me:  "Because this is to thermobaric weapons what thermobaric weapons were to a hand grenade. Unless you're using WMDs in general, this is disproportionate."

Tina:  "You finally didn't lie to us.  We ARE doing Great Things to people."

Me:  "There are no monsters here.  Back to work."

[altered]

Fuck. "500kg of Disproportionate Response" could be my nickname. You could also call it "The Talionic Impulse" for similar reasons. (Google "bpd talionic impulse" if you don't get it.)

Anyway, moving Shiny New War Crime to the name of the working group has the benefit of remaining a true statement even if the current project gets shitcanned or superceded by the newer and shinier.

Finally, you have now put me to the task of figuring out the shortest and snappiest way of saying "It's not a war crime yet, but I can change that" so I can seed it into my personal catchphrases. Congratulations.

[altered]

So the new project has us counting lost man-years due to the pandemic (We're just past 19,000,000 man-years of knowledge/production, and we've really only done the simple stuff), but the really NEAT part is that between that and working with <gubmint org>, I am ALSO developing a real idea of how much actual communication occurs.

The answer, you may have guessed, is "Jack Shit."

This has sort of split me and my group off onto a tangent, and we have proven there was more information moved between government and NGO departments prior to email than there is today...When measured as "useful, actionable information."  And just like all the plebs, the decision-makers have to sort out the non-information/disinformation before they can make a decision, and that sorting is impossible in practice.

Nobody run Bartertown.  Bartertown functions in the same way a SCADA-operated system does if the front end crashes; it just keeps doing the same thing regardless of any changes to the situation.  Errors begin to multiply, and since nobody can do anything about those errors, everyone just pretends that the situation is normal and has always been like this; where "this" means "the current buggy situation with today's error values added".

Think of it as an anthill with a disabled queen, except ants don't bitch as much.  They just mindlessly keep doing whatever they were last instructed to do.

The best part of this is when I fuck off and visit debatepolitics.com and listen to fucking waterheads explain that some large, shadowy cabal controls society. 

No, you fucking morons, nobody controls society.  Some people THINK they do, but even they can't get anything done.

Nobody is driving the train, everyone's drunk in the club car.

https://twitter.com/NotBrunoAgain/status/1622349196006129664

Saw this Twitter thread, and I thought of the quoted post. Seems like the awareness that shit is not getting done is leaking, because of shitty AI. I imagine Howl horse-laughing.

[Doktor Howl]

I am told that I have not lived up to expectations.  But today I launched a spare tire for skeet shooting.

Hamish,
Listed this as an expense with Thrash Unreal playing on infinite repeat.

[Doktor Howl]

It's not every day that you get to work on something completely new.  Like, never been done before by anyone.

Relax, America.  We're going to solve everything with SCIENCE.

[Anna Mae Bollocks]

Nobody is driving the train, everyone's drunk in the club car.

They've been drunk in the club car for years. Their livers are totaled now, and all that that implies about their ability to hold their liquor.

[Doktor Howl]

So, meeting with client and vendor.

Vendor's engineer:  "So this is capable of 10,000 foot-pounds of pressure, and..."

Me:  "What the fuck did you just say?"

Vendor's engineer:  "I said..."

Me:  "You said foot-pounds, like a Goddamn savage.  Like a benighted heathen, reveling in your primitive bullshit.  Around HERE, we use PROPER units.  Newton-Meters.  Like civilized human beings."

*Client GM and Ops dude grab my arms and start pulling me out of the room*

Me:  "And ANOTHER THING..."

*door closes*

*scene causes the vendor to drop their unit price by 15% in desperation*

*Client offers me a job*

*I accept*

*No more going to Goddamn Little Rock or Akron*

This is how shit gets managed, downtown.