Author Topic: The Official Discordian Church Apology™  (Read 369 times)

Doktor Howl

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The Official Discordian Church Apology™
« on: December 02, 2019, 05:18:06 pm »
You can't get the Catholics to apologize for molestation, genocide, standing by while the Nazis killed people, or any of that.  Likewise, the Mormons won't apologize for anything, either.  But we here in the Best of the One True Churches™ are bigger people than that, so here goes.

Dear Benighted Heathen Swine:

We in the Church of Discordia™, Inc, would like to apologize for our many and varied crimes against humanity.  While a complete list of our villainous deeds would be too long to publish, and too difficult to explain to a pack of apostate scum like yourselves, you should take the apologies for the listed items below to also cover all the minor things we have done.

1.  We're sorry we were rude.  We shouldn't have horse-laughed at your pitiful and obsequious observations of your fake holy days.  For all we know, Jesus (or Mohammed, or Buddha, etc) really is interested in the bottom line, and Black Friday is the holiest day ever.  It may even be the case that Christmas really is about Jesus, and not about some morbidly obese old man violating FAA regulations in a sleigh pulled by some deer.  We can't see that, but that doesn't mean it's not true.  Also, while we are not sure how Easter is about Jesus rising from the dead as a rabbit that poops tie-died eggs works, but we really shouldn't have to...It's your religion, and we laughed.  Very sorry.  And that Torah thing, well, sorry about that, too.  If we had stopped to think for a moment, we would have realized that lighting the bush on Mount Sinai on fire again doesn't actually phone God and was very insensitive.

2.  We're sorry that we can't act right.  We were only trying to help when we showed up to coach your Pentacostal seizures and your speaking in tongues.  We now see that this must have made you very uncomfortable, and we feel just awful.  Likewise, when we showed up to help you at your anti-abortion rally, it was with the best of intentions.  It's just that we were all on drugs and may have wandered slightly off message.  In addition, we're sorry we laughed at your funny hats.  But they're funny.  Nevertheless, we shall attempt to act more appropriately in the future.

3.  We're sorry about the pope card thing.  We realize NOW that you find the pope, patriarch, etc, thing to be sacred or holy or something.  So do we; we feel your pain.  Only we view holiness in a totally different light, and popes and imams really are a dime-a-dozen.  This is something we may have to agree to disagree on, but next time we won't hand a pope card to the actual Catholic pope, seeing as how he obviously already has one. 

4.  We're so very sorry for The Incident.  The voices in our heads told us it would be hilarious, and we really didn't think things all the way through.  (Note:  This is not to be taken as a legal or civil admission of guilt.  Our only official response is that issued through our legal counsel.)  It is our sincere hope that, after a few years of therapy, you'll be right as rain.

5.  We're sorry about the economy.  Indeed, we have expelled Professor Cramulus from our religion as a direct result of his shenanigans...We weren't amused, either.  Blowing economic bubbles just to watch them pop isn't clever or amusing, and he really should be ashamed of himself.  It's like wanking to images of the Laffer curve, really, and we regret having anything to do with the bastard even IF he IS actually sorry about what happened to your cat's penis.  Which is debatable at best.

6.  We're sorry our death ray didn't work, mostly because there are still humans that we have to apologize to for all the other crap we've done.  If we had spent more time working and less time huffing 'stache, this letter itself would not have been necessary.

Yours truly,
Doktor Hamish Howl
Official Spokesman
The Church of Discordia™, Inc.
« Last Edit: December 02, 2019, 08:17:44 pm by Doktor Howl »
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Cain

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Re: The Official Discordian Church Apology™
« Reply #1 on: December 02, 2019, 06:23:51 pm »
I apologize for not being tough enough on Pagans.

Q. G. Pennyworth

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Re: The Official Discordian Church Apology™
« Reply #2 on: December 02, 2019, 08:10:14 pm »
:mittens:

The Johnny

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Re: The Official Discordian Church Apology™
« Reply #3 on: December 03, 2019, 12:03:16 am »

**Clears throat - AHEM***

FIRST OF ALL, WE'D LIKE TO APOLOGIZE ABOUT YOUR CAT'S PENIS, BUT WE HAD A PENTION AND IT COULD'NT BE HELPED

We're also very very sorry about your anal-fixations and how we can't yet afford a surveillance camera in every room-corner to cover all the angles, for now you'll have to settle for all the microphones present in every single cell-phone so ya'll can test out "anonymous targetted-advertising" and we hope it will soon give enough R&D data so we can implement a global New World Order "social credit" system so we can finally behave.
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Doktor Howl

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Re: The Official Discordian Church Apology™
« Reply #4 on: December 03, 2019, 12:14:33 am »

**Clears throat - AHEM***

FIRST OF ALL, WE'D LIKE TO APOLOGIZE ABOUT YOUR CAT'S PENIS, BUT WE HAD A PENTION AND IT COULD'NT BE HELPED

We're also very very sorry about your anal-fixations and how we can't yet afford a surveillance camera in every room-corner to cover all the angles, for now you'll have to settle for all the microphones present in every single cell-phone so ya'll can test out "anonymous targetted-advertising" and we hope it will soon give enough R&D data so we can implement a global New World Order "social credit" system so we can finally behave.

See, this is why people are always mad at us.  We can't enjoy nice things.
"Daisy had syphilis, Tom died of genital warts, and Nick Carroway watched it all in mounting horror, then made off with the silverware and the maid."
~ The Good Reverend

Ecclesiastes 2:14, JACKASS.

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Re: The Official Discordian Church Apology™
« Reply #5 on: December 03, 2019, 12:22:01 am »
4.  We're so very sorry for The Incident.  The voices in our heads told us it would be hilarious, and we really didn't think things all the way through.  (Note:  This is not to be taken as a legal or civil admission of guilt.  Our only official response is that issued through our legal counsel.)  It is our sincere hope that, after a few years of therapy, you'll be right as rain.

Umm...well, actually, I did think it through?  But everyone else seemed to know what they were doing, so I didn't speak up.  Sorry 'bout that.
"When I say 'engineering', I have unreasonable expectations.  It must - as you know - look good in PADS AND give you plenty of help ducking and weaving in meetings.  But it must also, at some distant point in time, function.  If it does not, then you must accept that you are not in fact an engineer but instead an MBA.  Hang your head in SHAME, sinner!"

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Re: The Official Discordian Church Apology™
« Reply #6 on: December 03, 2019, 12:32:36 am »
4.  We're so very sorry for The Incident.  The voices in our heads told us it would be hilarious, and we really didn't think things all the way through.  (Note:  This is not to be taken as a legal or civil admission of guilt.  Our only official response is that issued through our legal counsel.)  It is our sincere hope that, after a few years of therapy, you'll be right as rain.

Umm...well, actually, I did think it through?  But everyone else seemed to know what they were doing, so I didn't speak up.  Sorry 'bout that.

Same.  But ECH was having such a good time, and I didn't want to wreck the moment.
"Daisy had syphilis, Tom died of genital warts, and Nick Carroway watched it all in mounting horror, then made off with the silverware and the maid."
~ The Good Reverend

Ecclesiastes 2:14, JACKASS.

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Re: The Official Discordian Church Apology™
« Reply #7 on: December 03, 2019, 12:37:53 am »
4.  We're so very sorry for The Incident.  The voices in our heads told us it would be hilarious, and we really didn't think things all the way through.  (Note:  This is not to be taken as a legal or civil admission of guilt.  Our only official response is that issued through our legal counsel.)  It is our sincere hope that, after a few years of therapy, you'll be right as rain.

Umm...well, actually, I did think it through?  But everyone else seemed to know what they were doing, so I didn't speak up.  Sorry 'bout that.

Same.  But ECH was having such a good time, and I didn't want to wreck the moment.

What happened the last time someone got between ECH and a Good Time?

I don’t remember. It’s like someone scraped the memories clean off of my brain.
“I am that worst of all type of criminal...I cannot bring myself to do what you tell me, because you told me.”

Doktor Howl

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Re: The Official Discordian Church Apology™
« Reply #8 on: December 03, 2019, 12:38:56 am »
4.  We're so very sorry for The Incident.  The voices in our heads told us it would be hilarious, and we really didn't think things all the way through.  (Note:  This is not to be taken as a legal or civil admission of guilt.  Our only official response is that issued through our legal counsel.)  It is our sincere hope that, after a few years of therapy, you'll be right as rain.

Umm...well, actually, I did think it through?  But everyone else seemed to know what they were doing, so I didn't speak up.  Sorry 'bout that.

Same.  But ECH was having such a good time, and I didn't want to wreck the moment.

What happened the last time someone got between ECH and a Good Time?

I don’t remember. It’s like someone scraped the memories clean off of my brain.

Trollax happened.
"Daisy had syphilis, Tom died of genital warts, and Nick Carroway watched it all in mounting horror, then made off with the silverware and the maid."
~ The Good Reverend

Ecclesiastes 2:14, JACKASS.

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Re: The Official Discordian Church Apology™
« Reply #9 on: December 03, 2019, 12:42:17 am »
Nope. Nothing. No bells are ringing.

It’s like this series of events has never occurred. Like reality itself purged that entire timeline. You are a Doktor, so you of course can see other realities, but I am a pile of dead birds and so am blind to anything but our own lonely mechanistic universe.

And here, ECH has never had anyone get in the way of a Good Time. Ever. And we will never, ever know what would happen if someone did. Even if someone does.
“I am that worst of all type of criminal...I cannot bring myself to do what you tell me, because you told me.”

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Re: The Official Discordian Church Apology™
« Reply #10 on: December 03, 2019, 08:36:02 am »
I apologise for my complete lack of remorse.
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Doktor Howl

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Re: The Official Discordian Church Apology™
« Reply #11 on: December 03, 2019, 09:37:53 pm »
I apologise for my complete lack of remorse.

I wouldn't expect you to take that much time away from your MARIJUANA ORGIES.
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Ecclesiastes 2:14, JACKASS.

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Re: The Official Discordian Church Apology™
« Reply #12 on: December 04, 2019, 02:04:21 pm »
I think we need to apologize for the weaponization of irony.

We were the edgy bastards who abused the rules. We mocked law and order, showed that it was really a game of power.

What did that fucking get us??


Now power is naked, shameless, and it's horrifying.


We were standing there in a row, hurling shit by the handful. And it wasn't just to mock the deserving -- we also enjoyed it.

Look left, look right -- now we're standing in a crowd of people hurling shit. But the shit is landing everywhere.

Turns out we have been egging our own fucking houses. And the people standing next to us are egging our house and enjoying it.


Honestly, I think back to all our times trolling people on pagan forums -- and don't get me wrong, I got no fuckin remorse about that -- I recognize that basically nothing could have stopped us except for sympathizing with those grouchy fingerlicking mouthbreathers. Any argument you could throw at us was JUST WORDS, easily disassembled and thrown back at them.

And now we're under that same kind of assault.

it used to be US saying "you can't control me, I am David and you are Goliath"

Now we've all become Goliath as a bunch of trolls in klan hoods run circles around our ankles.


Cain

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Re: The Official Discordian Church Apology™
« Reply #13 on: December 04, 2019, 02:44:55 pm »
Ah, but they'll inevitably fail as the strategy is turned around again on them. That's the thing: they only want chaos as a means to imposing further order. They can't square the circle that is allegiance to homogenous ethno-states with authoritarian political structures with their own shallow interpretations of freedom, and so, inevitably, the contradictions will swallow them whole.

The real problem is that five or six companies managed to subjugate the internet, with no idea how to run internet communities.

Doktor Howl

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Re: The Official Discordian Church Apology™
« Reply #14 on: December 04, 2019, 03:07:26 pm »
I think we need to apologize for the weaponization of irony.

We were the edgy bastards who abused the rules. We mocked law and order, showed that it was really a game of power.

What did that fucking get us??


Now power is naked, shameless, and it's horrifying.


We were standing there in a row, hurling shit by the handful. And it wasn't just to mock the deserving -- we also enjoyed it.

Look left, look right -- now we're standing in a crowd of people hurling shit. But the shit is landing everywhere.

Turns out we have been egging our own fucking houses. And the people standing next to us are egging our house and enjoying it.


Honestly, I think back to all our times trolling people on pagan forums -- and don't get me wrong, I got no fuckin remorse about that -- I recognize that basically nothing could have stopped us except for sympathizing with those grouchy fingerlicking mouthbreathers. Any argument you could throw at us was JUST WORDS, easily disassembled and thrown back at them.

And now we're under that same kind of assault.

it used to be US saying "you can't control me, I am David and you are Goliath"

Now we've all become Goliath as a bunch of trolls in klan hoods run circles around our ankles.

TGRR's First Rule:  "It's always funny when it doesn't happen to you."

TGRR's Second Rule:  "It's still funny even when it happens to you."
"Daisy had syphilis, Tom died of genital warts, and Nick Carroway watched it all in mounting horror, then made off with the silverware and the maid."
~ The Good Reverend

Ecclesiastes 2:14, JACKASS.