Principia Discordia > Discordian Recipes

Poor Person Eats

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Odibex Grallspice:
Walmart brand stuff is really, really salty. it says you can punch a wall if you had enough salt but.. it's just rations and I'm a schoolteacher not a soldier

I intended to make goth pasta: black pasta and red sauce. I made a fucking mistake and for the past 3 days I have been suffering. I have no money and little other food and i dumped the last of this tonight while fucking starving because there are some things that no human being should be forced to eat. I have eaten definitely expired food that absolutely was going to and did in fact give me food poisoning, this was too much.


1 box aldi's black soybean spaghetti <-- ABSOLUTE NECESSITY
1 jar aldi's red pesto <-- ABSOLUTE NECESSITY
1 can of canned chicken meat <-- not necessary but no doubt adds to the experience
more butter than you think you'll need (one half stick) <-- for the chicken

Boil your pasta water -- do not put the pasta in yet, I don't know what will happen to this stuff if you soak it too long. While it's boiling, dump that can of chicken in a frying pan and add too much butter. No. More. A quarter stick. No. More. Half a stick. Yeah, finally the foul pink chunks are cooking. Chop it up fine, I don't trust a single bit of this shit but it's what I got and by god I will eat it, but I need to make it look like something other than disease. Add some salt and black pepper.



The pasta water still isn't boiling. What the FUCK. Scrape your cooked chicken into a container and dump the cheap red pesto in there too. Oh god. It's all sludge. It looks horrible. Mix it up and don't look at it too closely. Oh no why does it look like miniature maggots in a pool of tomato soup that's hardened and gone all chunky HORK

Finally the pasta water is boiling. You salted that shit, right? You better have. Oh well, too late to check now, cross your fingers and hope you don't have sad pasta. (It was indeed salted. Heavily.) Twiddle thumbs while the pasta coo-- no you don't, stir that shit, it's already gone all limp and weird. What the fuck. It was less than ten seconds. Panicked stirring for about 4 to 5 minutes because that's what the box says the cook time is, then strain.

It's earthworms. It's fucking earthworms.

Angrily dump strained pasta in a container, dump sauce/sludge on top, STIR LIKE YOUR LIFE DEPENDS ON IT -- and then give up, it isn't helping, the shit WILL NOT STIR. Everything is horrible, the smell is delicious but the LOOK IS NIGHTMARISH.

Grab a fork, hoping it is okay to eat.

This is terrible. But it smells good, here goes...

Hell, it TASTES good too! But the TEXTURE is FUCKING HORRIFYING. NO. It feels like chomping on a mass of SOFT, WATERLOGGED RUBBER BANDS. This is suffering. It is malevolence.

Letting me cook was a mistake.

I'm legitimately traumatized. I checked the recent posts and scrolled down too far, and saw this shit and nearly threw up at the sight. SO AWFUL. HIDEOUS. NIGHTMARE.

It's broken me. I might never eat pasta again.

Q. G. Pennyworth:
while I haven't done the black bean pasta, I have tried one of the chickpea ones and it's exactly as bad texturally as you describe here. If you want a noodle without gluten, skip the idiot white people crap and try your local asian grocer

I got it explicitly because it was black pasta when not cooked. Really wanted to goth pasta... it was a mistake.


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