Author Topic: Poor Person Eats  (Read 147 times)

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Poor Person Eats
« on: February 10, 2020, 06:08:22 am »
I may as well pay attention to my food now, as practice. Also, some of my foods are HILARIOUS.



Losing My Goddamn Mind Mushroom Tortelloni with Dill & Sage Butter

Purchase and cook one package of Priano Porcini Mushroom Tortelloni, from your local Aldi. Delicious!

Realize you have no sauce to go with them. Commence screaming.

No olive oil either. More screaming.

Fuck it, melt a whole goddamn stick of butter in there while cussing at it.

Butter is horrible on its own. Raid the spice cabinet, by which I mean grab the first two things you see without checking what they are at all. Hope this does not become regret.

Dump dill and sage into the melting butter and hot pasta, eyes wild, face locked in a rictus grin, watching the innocent butter turn green and foul.

Mix. Comment on how it looks like you dropped it in some sand, lament your misfortune.

Take a bite and cry tears of joy. SO GOOD. I must make this butter sauce separately for future use.

Recognition: this is such a specific case that you will never make this again. You will always have a better choice. Enjoy it in the moment for what it is: a furious series of blind fuckups leading to excellence.



I will actually post another one too from today, why not!



The Last Pierogies

Take a pan-full of random pierogies, I used frozen ones because Iím a wretch and a fool and I have no place doing this sort of shit, god rest my soul. Make sure to lay them out evenly in the pan, with no overlaps and a couple millimeters of space between each of them.

Dump all of the olive oil on them. It will be fine, Iím sure I wonít want more olive oil tonight! This turns out to be the exact correct amount, just barely enough to reach the top of the flattened bits of the pierogies, in case you donít want to roll the dice yourself.

Also, please do use GOOD olive oil, the oil flavor comes through so well in this, it showcases the absolute best the oil has to offer, donít waste it on fucking canola oil you fucking simpleton.

Turn the burner on high, and keep your eyeballs trained on the gaps. As soon as the last large bit of undisturbed oil gets hot enough to begin to bubble, crank the burner down to about medium, maybe a hair lower.

Spatula? Spatula???? Oh shit!!!

Clean the only spatula in the house while begging the pierogies to turn out okay, because you are incapable of forward planning.

Check cooking side for firmness, texture and color. Firmness: they should sound hollow when you tap them with the spatula. Texture: like textured consumer electronics plastic, just rough enough to feel when you scrape it with the spatula, but not enough to see it with your eyes. Color: yellow leaning pale orange. This is like, two steps before golden brown. Donít do golden brown. Cross your fingers and beg god not to give you golden brown, please.

When ready, flip pierogies onto the ďbellyĒ side. Mourn the two that are definitely overdone ever so slightly, and curse the last user of the spatula (spoiler alert, you were the last user).

Again, check for firmness, texture and color. This time, you want golden brown. Gasp audibly when all of them come out fucking perfect.

Get onto a plate, pat dry of oil, serve with sour cream (last of that too). Eat with your hands like an animal.

Oh my god. Itís like a stuffed potato chip. Itís too good.

Oh wait.

Oh no.

Oh no, Iím going gluten free and if you cheat your body keeps on eating your fucking neurons.

Oh no.

They are the last pierogies I will ever have.

Weep and enjoy.
ďI am that worst of all type of criminal...I cannot bring myself to do what you tell me, because you told me