Author Topic: Poor Person Eats  (Read 1688 times)

altered

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Poor Person Eats
« on: February 10, 2020, 06:08:22 am »
I may as well pay attention to my food now, as practice. Also, some of my foods are HILARIOUS.



Losing My Goddamn Mind Mushroom Tortelloni with Dill & Sage Butter

Purchase and cook one package of Priano Porcini Mushroom Tortelloni, from your local Aldi. Delicious!

Realize you have no sauce to go with them. Commence screaming.

No olive oil either. More screaming.

Fuck it, melt a whole goddamn stick of butter in there while cussing at it.

Butter is horrible on its own. Raid the spice cabinet, by which I mean grab the first two things you see without checking what they are at all. Hope this does not become regret.

Dump dill and sage into the melting butter and hot pasta, eyes wild, face locked in a rictus grin, watching the innocent butter turn green and foul.

Mix. Comment on how it looks like you dropped it in some sand, lament your misfortune.

Take a bite and cry tears of joy. SO GOOD. I must make this butter sauce separately for future use.

Recognition: this is such a specific case that you will never make this again. You will always have a better choice. Enjoy it in the moment for what it is: a furious series of blind fuckups leading to excellence.



I will actually post another one too from today, why not!



The Last Pierogies

Take a pan-full of random pierogies, I used frozen ones because I’m a wretch and a fool and I have no place doing this sort of shit, god rest my soul. Make sure to lay them out evenly in the pan, with no overlaps and a couple millimeters of space between each of them.

Dump all of the olive oil on them. It will be fine, I’m sure I won’t want more olive oil tonight! This turns out to be the exact correct amount, just barely enough to reach the top of the flattened bits of the pierogies, in case you don’t want to roll the dice yourself.

Also, please do use GOOD olive oil, the oil flavor comes through so well in this, it showcases the absolute best the oil has to offer, don’t waste it on fucking canola oil you fucking simpleton.

Turn the burner on high, and keep your eyeballs trained on the gaps. As soon as the last large bit of undisturbed oil gets hot enough to begin to bubble, crank the burner down to about medium, maybe a hair lower.

Spatula? Spatula???? Oh shit!!!

Clean the only spatula in the house while begging the pierogies to turn out okay, because you are incapable of forward planning.

Check cooking side for firmness, texture and color. Firmness: they should sound hollow when you tap them with the spatula. Texture: like textured consumer electronics plastic, just rough enough to feel when you scrape it with the spatula, but not enough to see it with your eyes. Color: yellow leaning pale orange. This is like, two steps before golden brown. Don’t do golden brown. Cross your fingers and beg god not to give you golden brown, please.

When ready, flip pierogies onto the “belly” side. Mourn the two that are definitely overdone ever so slightly, and curse the last user of the spatula (spoiler alert, you were the last user).

Again, check for firmness, texture and color. This time, you want golden brown. Gasp audibly when all of them come out fucking perfect.

Get onto a plate, pat dry of oil, serve with sour cream (last of that too). Eat with your hands like an animal.

Oh my god. It’s like a stuffed potato chip. It’s too good.

Oh wait.

Oh no.

Oh no, I’m going gluten free and if you cheat your body keeps on eating your fucking neurons.

Oh no.

They are the last pierogies I will ever have.

Weep and enjoy.
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Cramulus

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Re: Poor Person Eats
« Reply #1 on: March 30, 2020, 09:18:57 pm »
Texture: like textured consumer electronics plastic

 :lulz: :lulz: :lulz:


& I love the 'twist ending' - you should do more M Night Shyamalan style cooking shows.

minuspace

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Re: Poor Person Eats
« Reply #2 on: March 30, 2020, 09:54:23 pm »
Quote
Mourn the two that are definitely overdone ever so slightly, and curse the last user of the spatula (spoiler alert, you were the last user).


 :lulz:


The whole piece is great... cooking with chaos. Reminds me of my place. There’s still a vortex spinning above the hot-plates, the ones with the busted red indicator LED, next to a box of Eco-terrorism papers labeled “shredder.”


Regarding the whole gluten-free thing, this friend of mine develops food for a syndicate with that condition and swears by the new formulas they developed using cauliflower. They even make pizza. Let me know if you want to try some.

The Wizard Joseph

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Re: Poor Person Eats
« Reply #3 on: March 31, 2020, 01:17:17 pm »
Overall  :horrormirth: :horrormirth:  :kingmeh:  :lulz: :lulz:

But this part particularly...
Quote
Dump dill and sage into the melting butter and hot pasta, eyes wild, face locked in a rictus grin, watching the innocent butter turn green and foul.


It was at this point my inner Itallian was like

"Madonna no! The heretic must be stopped! BURN HER!! BURN THE WITCH!!!"

My Irish side fortunately does not yet know what you have done here. He doesn't wake up before noon these days. Pretty sure he'd just take it and leave it on the back stoop for the fair ones, who would probably think it's absolutely the best pasta and then invade Italy burning and plundering both sacred art and people alike demanding "the pasta" which most Italians cannot even concieve of, much less make if told of it for moral reasons.
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cigarki spiritual

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Re: Poor Person Eats
« Reply #4 on: April 16, 2020, 09:42:02 pm »
Pan-fried pork-liver:

Don't know what the prices are in the west cos when I was living in the UK I hadn't developed the pork-liver addiction that's currently got a hold on me but here you can buy a kilo of pork liver for a little bit under 2 quid. That's enough for three solid meals of pork liver.

Recipe is:
Get the liver and cut it in thin slices. Cover it up in olive or sunflower oil, garlic and black pepper. Maybe add a bit of white wine. Let it rest for a few minutes. Throw it in a pan with some onions and mushrooms. Fry but not for too long, you want it nearly pink. Add a bit of white wine while frying for optimum taste, but not necessary if done on super tight budget. Make sure you cover the pan after a bit of frying so that all the tastes can get infused. Enjoy pork liver.

Very importantly make sure you add salt once the liver is cooked rather than before as salt before cooking fucks up the texture.

Goes well with mashed potatoes.
« Last Edit: April 16, 2020, 10:59:59 pm by cigarki spiritual »

Odibex Grallspice

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Re: Poor Person Eats
« Reply #5 on: May 05, 2020, 09:17:41 pm »
Walmart brand stuff is really, really salty. it says you can punch a wall if you had enough salt but.. it's just rations and I'm a schoolteacher not a soldier