I.
1. In the beginning was the VOID, who had two daughters: one, the smaller, was that of Being, named ERIS; and one, the larger, was that of Non-being, named ANERIS.
2. But you know this part.
3. Or possibly the universe was created in a week by YHWH, or ZEUS; or created as a result of all manner of kinky shit by the GODS of Egypt or Babylon, or by purely impersonal forces.
4. But you know these parts, too, or where to find them.
5. And all these myths are true in some sense, false in some sense, and meaningless in some sense.
II.
1. ERIS said, Let’s start with an explosion.
2.
BOOM! That was awesome.
3. Oh hey, if I adjust these fundamental constants… gravity, the speed of light, the Planck constant (note to Self: make a guy named Planck so this makes sense)…
4. Lo, it makes stars and planets and galaxies and stuff!
5. I’ll just leave it here a minute while I go and get a snack.
III.
(ELEVEN BILLION YEARS LATER)
1. As GODDESS was looking down the back of Her couch for Her keys, she spake, saying: Oh hey, the universe! I’d forgotten all about that.
2. Ugh, it’s gone all foosty.
3. Is that… life?
4. Well, maybe this could be interesting; what if I hack around with it a bit?
5. For Her universe had reached the Pleistocene epoch; and ERIS took lumps of the Pleistocene and moulded them into forms that amused Her.
6. ERIS spake, saying: *squidge* ooh, it’s gone multicellular. *squeesh* oh look, fins! Maybe they’d work as legs if I… *splut* Oh heck, they’re EVERYWHERE now.
7. WAIT STOP EATING EACH OTHER GUYS! Ewwww.
IV.
1. ERIS created Dinosaur.
2. And Dinosaur did run, and roar, and fight other dinosaurs, and ERIS saw that it was cool.
3. But eventually She got bored and ‘accidentally’ pressed the Asteroid Impact button.
4. ERIS created Squirrel.
5. And Squirrel climbed trees, and leapt between them; and gathered nuts and buried them; and fluffed its tail, and ERIS saw that it was cute.
6. But eventually She got bored.
7. So ERIS created Duck.
8. And Duck swam, and quacked, and water ran off its back; and it produced ducklings that were adorable, but ultimately ERIS got bored again.
9. ERIS created Shark, and Monkey, and Spider, and Sloth, and all the beasts of the field, and of the trees and river and forest and ocean as well; and the earth was acrawl (and aswim, and aclimb, etc.) with Her creations.
10. But none of them kept her entertained for very long.
11. What I need, spake ERIS to Herself, is a creation that will produce folly of its own, and ever new follies thereafter; that will always find some way to outdo its previous idiocy; something that will never cease to amuse Me with its sheer intractable ridiculousness.
12. And ERIS created Human.
V.
1. Just so we’re 100% clear: bumsex is OK. I know this isn’t a religion with many rules and holy books are supposed to be ambiguous, but this one seems to need spelled out.
