Open Bar: Curbside Pickup Only

[Doktor Howl]

My poor laptop, now on its 3rd year of extreme use and abuse, is on its last legs. Ran a battery health check and the last time the battery reported it was at full charge, it was holding 19% of the rated amount when new. Believe me, I have noticed: it dies in under an hour (rated for 10 hours) and the battery heats up sufficient to cook your forearm while its plugged in. Honestly, given the size, price, power and brand new rated battery life, it's a wonder it lasted this long still mostly functioning. I got every cent worth out of it and then some, and it literally saved my life on multiple occasions.

The cost of replacing the battery is ehhh, around 150 USD, but it isn't a task for the faint-of-heart and if you fuck the ridiculously fragile-but-efficient cooling system while removing it to get to the battery, it's game over for the machine. Lift it the wrong way and you've already broken it. I've also been having increasingly distressing errors... Google throwing glitch-puke triangles up on results pages, random freezes and bluescreens, etc. It's just an old machine that was used daily from sun up till sundown, and it's time to shut it down for good here soon.

RIP.

I need to come up with ~1600 for a replacement. I'm not springing for an upgrade, just the same exact model is fine by me, it's just that computers that aren't Raspberry Pis are upsettingly expensive these days. So, uh, if anyone wants to kick in toward an unexpected expense, let me know.

I bought my piece of shit 7 years ago for $450, and it's still chugging along (it is also entirely full of angry Russians, but that's not an age or hardware issue).

What capabilities do you need that raise the price tag that high?

[altered]

I do a lot of music and sound design stuff that helps me put food on my plate, so CPU and storage (1TB of storage, minimum) are a must.
I'm, historically speaking, chronically homeless and even though I'm housed now, I'm shit-terrified of ending up back in it literally all the time, so long battery life is a must.
And I get roped into game dev projects constantly (just got pulled into a team again last month, in fact), and can only see the girl I'm dating on Elden Ring currently (COVID lockdown + hazardous for trans people to take transit right now and neither of us has a vehicle), so a decent GPU is a must.

Cheapest thing I know of that exactly fulfills my needs is the machine I have now: an ASUS Zephyrus G14. (Originally from PUA monies, so I can't just reach into the same hat to replace it.) It's also the very first computer I've ever had that has never felt distressingly limited in any way, whether by size, immobility, potato specs or SD card-level storage, so I admit to a bit of possible bias towards it.

Technically 1600 is a ceiling, if I am forced to get the 2022 model from Best Buy + accounting for shipping costs, which does seem like the best deal right now. Bezos-mart has the 2020 model, which I have now and would be perfectly happy with another of, for 1400 + shipping. Unfortunately, I am literally banned from Amazon. No, really, they fucking banned me in 2020. No joke.

(Either of those could be even cheaper used, but I've learned my lesson about used laptops the hard way and won't do it again. Refurbished is entirely acceptable, even preferable, though.)

[altered]

Should probably say more in terms of specs:
16GB of RAM is exactly sufficient for my needs.
The CPU in the G14 is still more hefty than I actually need.
A 2050 Ti is a minimum requirement for the dev work, and I'd really honestly feel that step back from the 2060.

Absolute must: 4 hours of battery life minimum, with regular load (web browsing, Youtube, Google Docs).

Don't need anything more than a 1080p, 60hz screen. IPS is nice but not remotely necessary. DOES need to be visible in brightly lit locations.

Don't need speakers worth mentioning at all, so long as I can watch a Youtube video and hear it I'm fine. For everything else, there's headphones.

I don't need fancy Wi-Fi, I can't make use of it anyway. Bluetooth IS a must, but I have a dongle for that so I don't need it on-board.

MUST HAVE 3+ USB PORTS. Even if they're USB-C, I need ALL of that I/O. This is literally the only point I feel even slightly pressured on by the G14, but it has two USB-C ports and I have a USB-C dock, so it's fine.

Must weigh 20lbs or less, and be less than 17". Smaller is better, there are TVs and monitors everywhere and I have good eyes.

[altered]

Howl, you have to read this shit. I swear to god. The phrase "if my baby gets sick I will commit Zamboni Crimes" is in the opening fucking paragraph.

https://billshaner.substack.com/p/an-insane-person-for-an-insane-job

[Cain]

Howl, you have to read this shit. I swear to god. The phrase "if my baby gets sick I will commit Zamboni Crimes" is in the opening fucking paragraph.

https://billshaner.substack.com/p/an-insane-person-for-an-insane-job

I was sold by the third paragraph, but I especially enjoyed these ones:

Look, I understand that wealthy people reading this are rightfully scared. You know you didn't earn your horde. But let me put it this way: Either you let us kill some rich people, or we burn down society and kill you all. That's exactly the same offer capitalists extend to workers. You might even stand to benefit!

Since my cruelty will be focused only upon the richest of the rich, mid-level rich fuckers stand to benefit the most from my cruel reign of hilarious terror. Just like in the forest, when a mighty oak falls, the sunlight is quickly lapped up by treacherous social climbers willing to sell out bastards they don't even like in exchange for a chance at their now-empty throne.

[altered]

It just keeps going. There's no pausing the joke for a sly wink, because it's entirely fucking serious. That's my favorite part.

[Doktor Howl]

Howl, you have to read this shit. I swear to god. The phrase "if my baby gets sick I will commit Zamboni Crimes" is in the opening fucking paragraph.

https://billshaner.substack.com/p/an-insane-person-for-an-insane-job

[Doktor Howl]

My mom asked me who I was today.

[Faust]

I'm so sorry, that's up there with my worst fears.

[Doktor Howl]

I'm so sorry, that's up there with my worst fears.

Yeah, it terrified my grandfather, but all he had was the normal memory loss you'd get with being 99 years old.

[Doktor Howl]

So it turns out she has Covid psychosis.

Because why wouldn't my family get the weirdest, rarest version?

Anyway, the prognosis is good if she survives the virus, which is not attacking her lungs but instead making her blood chemistry go berserk.  High sodium, high ammonia, etc.  We are told her odds are "fair".

[Anna Mae Bollocks]

If it's rare, I'm guessing they know diddly shit about the illness itself. But they can treat the symptoms, right? Are they doing anything?

[Faust]

That's hopefully good news, bloods can mess with the brain bad, but at least if it's corona that should subside once its run its course

[Doktor Howl]

If it's rare, I'm guessing they know diddly shit about the illness itself. But they can treat the symptoms, right? Are they doing anything?

Yeah, they're bringing her sodium up slowly (she was at 124), and an odd antipsychotic.  She's not a danger to herself anymore, but she'll be in the hospital for a while. 

Turns out it was gradually-reducing sodium due to cancer meds, then she got covid and BANG.

She was vaccinated but, you know, cancer patient.  She has about 25% the right amount of white blood cells, so she's gonna be a while.

[Doktor Howl]

That's hopefully good news, bloods can mess with the brain bad, but at least if it's corona that should subside once its run its course

They expect her to recover in all respects, but it will be a while.

I just thank god my folks are reasonably well off.  If they weren't, she'd have been put in a psychiatric hospital, and would have been dead a few days ago.