ESP in One Month practice

[mawkor2@yahoo.com]

A message from Jane Roberts :

I found myself at the edge of a great precipice, where the breadth of science could not reach the edge of consciousness I had come to the foot of which, upon my dismay, I was informed was unfoundable without the requisite understanding of quantum mechanical lifeforms that can transmit conscious information through enacting a dance of remotely entangled quarks and gluons, quantum-electrical beings that can merge with us, so to speak, my communication with Seth could not be explained by science at the time.
Now I have returned to share my story my stated goals continue through those who have been taught by me.
My chosen predecessor, Ellistea, whose cult I have sanctified under the auspices of Seth, my teacher, has placed my full instructions for the fastest known system of learning ESP, a communication system between we quantum mechanical beings and humans.

https://www.etsy.com/listing/1227582704/a-transcript-describing-the-means-and

[Doktor Howl]

Who the fuck is Jane Roberts?

[chaotic neutral observer]

Thank you for your message, Mr. Roberts!

I am a well-known and respected influencer in the Discordian community, and I wish to help you bring your wisdom to the widest possible audience.

If you send me a free copy of your transcript, I will be happy to review it and give it the exposure which it deserves.  I am confident that I will be able to double or even triple your sales.

Looking forward to hearing from you!

[Doktor Howl]

I am pretty sure I already have quarks and gluons.

[altered]

No, no, those are 5th dimensional particles. All you have is neutrinos and photons like a fucking flatlander. You can't learn to use ESP while living on a piece of paper, Dok, you have to make a pact with the strong nuclear force and meet a ghostly guide to help you through the astral plane so you can get REAL matter in your insubstantial boson body first. Get it the fuck together.

Then again, it'll ruin your figure. Just look at me, I'm bear shaped these days.

That is not a typo, I'm eating trout RIGHT NOW.

[Doktor Howl]

No, no, those are 5th dimensional particles. All you have is neutrinos and photons like a fucking flatlander. You can't learn to use ESP while living on a piece of paper, Dok, you have to make a pact with the strong nuclear force and meet a ghostly guide to help you through the astral plane so you can get REAL matter in your insubstantial boson body first. Get it the fuck together.

I feel attacked.

Then again, it'll ruin your figure. Just look at me, I'm bear shaped these days.

That is not a typo, I'm eating trout RIGHT NOW.

Reliable sources say that Seth is the disembodied spirit of Dom Deluise, and takes up half the damn astral plane just by himself.  The other half is full of his farts, which is why nobody sees ghosts anymore.  It's true.

[altered]

I'm not attacking you, you just cannot understand the 18th dimensional vibrations of love I'm emanating. Get Mister Ben M*ck in here, he'll use his mystical satellite imaging systems to prove I'm sending tsunamis of positive energy at your third eye.

Also, every word you said is true. Especially the part about Dom Deluise.

[Doktor Howl]

I'm not attacking you, you just cannot understand the 18th dimensional vibrations of love I'm emanating. Get Mister Ben M*ck in here, he'll use his mystical satellite imaging systems to prove I'm sending tsunamis of positive energy at your third eye.

Also, every word you said is true. Especially the part about Dom Deluise.

I head Ben M*ck was tragically killed while stewarding his reputation.

[chaotic neutral observer]

Dear Joan Roberts,

Thank you for sending me a copy of your transcript, "Describing the Means and Attunement to ESP".  Unfortunately, it did not arrive intact.  It is currently cobra-chicken nesting season here--you may know them as "Canada Geese"--and the mail carrier had the ill fate of encountering a flock of them while delivering your missive.  I have been informed that his tongue has been successfully reattached, and, if the physiotherapy goes well, he should regain the use of his remaining limbs in time for the Christmas package season.

Regrettably, your document did not fare quite so well.  A gosling shredded and partly consumed one of the pages, and the remainder was coated in a mixture of mailman's blood, goose-droppings, and an unidentifiable substance with a heretofore unimagined colour, caustic odour, and indescribable texture.  I sent a sample of it to the Biology Department at the University, who became so excited that they immediately quarantined the entire campus.

Nevertheless, I believe enough of the transcript survived that I shall still be able to give it a fair review, once I get it back from the document reconstruction service.

I remain your humble servant.

[hirley0]

Hard2do On Jazz Am11 P p

Mostly I do not Kno WHO

[Doktor Howl]

Thread starter is fucked now.

[chaotic neutral observer]

Mme Jean-Robert,

It is with a profound sense of regret, not to mention contempt and revulsion, with which I must write to say that a collaboration between us will be impossible.

Upon preliminary reading, the text is an incoherent, maundering morass of run-on sentences and unintelligible grammar, which would make even the most iron-jawed of highschool English teachers tear their hair and weep in shame and rage.  It is entirely beyond redemption.  It is execrable; the gosling who consumed a page and promptly converted it to goose-shit only improved it thereby, and I sincerely recommend you employ angry waterfowl to do your copy-editing in the future.

What fragments one can extract from this putrid heap of verbiage betray an utter lack of comprehension of even the most basic principles of natural philosophy, let alone quantum mechanics.  Had I attempted to employ "quantum entanglement" to perform ESP, as per your directions, I would surely have entangled my ass-hair in the rototiller--an experience which, having already endured once, I see no reason to repeat during this lifetime.

With eternal loathing,

cno


Disclaimer:  I didn't actually receive or read a copy of the article, although I can't see why that should make any difference.

[chaotic neutral observer]

17 @6
06 14 link soon 2:02A Hard2do On Jazz Am11 P p

Hi, Hirley!

[Doktor Howl]

17 @6
06 14 link soon 2:02A Hard2do On Jazz Am11 P p

Hi, Hirley!

You gotta put the 0 in, or he'll think you're talking to one of the other Hirleys.

[Doktor Howl]

Mme Jean-Robert,

It is with a profound sense of regret, not to mention contempt and revulsion, with which I must write to say that a collaboration between us will be impossible.

Upon preliminary reading, the text is an incoherent, maundering morass of run-on sentences and unintelligible grammar, which would make even the most iron-jawed of highschool English teachers tear their hair and weep in shame and rage.  It is entirely beyond redemption.  It is execrable; the gosling who consumed a page and promptly converted it to goose-shit only improved it thereby, and I sincerely recommend you employ angry waterfowl to do your copy-editing in the future.

What fragments one can extract from this putrid heap of verbiage betray an utter lack of comprehension of even the most basic principles of natural philosophy, let alone quantum mechanics.  Had I attempted to employ "quantum entanglement" to perform ESP, as per your directions, I would surely have entangled my ass-hair in the rototiller--an experience which, having already endured once, I see no reason to repeat during this lifetime.

With eternal loathing,

cno


Disclaimer:  I didn't actually receive or read a copy of the article, although I can't see why that should make any difference.

I just lost a front tooth and a few layers of skin making Ramen, and I think that was more enjoyable than reading that drek.