This forum needs some more true Christian sermons

[Great Teacher Largo]

So you can all do weddings and shizzle?

Yep.  All legal in every state, and they fought many battles to make sure.  All the individual has to do is register with the state and make sure that they are obeying the law in the local area.  

Marry, bury, baptise and preach.  Do it all.  Plus, I can incorporate as a church, and get tax exemption and take up collections.  Have to report it all to the mother church (in Modesto CA), but that's not a big deal.  

Hell, I can even pronounce you all Reverends too.

Their basic philosophy is that there are only three things that everyone needs:  Freedom, Food and Sex.  All else is window dressing.  They also believe that since you feel a call to the Ministry, that you are already ordained by God.  This is JUST the legal recognition so you can perform holy ordinences in the eyes of Ceasar.

Personally, while I take it seriously, there are many who think the ordination is about as valid and "special" as finding a prize in the Cracker Jack Box, or getting a pink colored piece of gum in Double Bubble wrapper.  Or as special as an Earl Scheib paint job.

I take my ordination very seriously.  The only reason I can't officiate at the many functions you have listed is because I can never get down to the Clerk of Courts when there's someone there who will let me file my registration with the state.  Either they're out to lunch or busy at the moment or gone for the day or sick.

I bet they have a picture of me behind the desk that says, "Extremely unstable.  Call security."

'Course, last time I went to the courthouse they searched me after I kept setting the metal detector off.

[Daven]

I take my ordination very seriously.  The only reason I can't officiate at the many functions you have listed is because I can never get down to the Clerk of Courts when there's someone there who will let me file my registration with the state.  Either they're out to lunch or busy at the moment or gone for the day or sick.

I bet they have a picture of me behind the desk that says, "Extremely unstable.  Call security."

'Course, last time I went to the courthouse they searched me after I kept setting the metal detector off.

The only reason I haven't done that is because there has been no reason for me to.  I got the ordination to protect me legally when I was working for < sit down and put your drinks down >  Kibrina's Psychic Answer.  Yeah, I did the telephone psychic stuff.

Legally, if you are an ordained minister, you can't be sued for giving bad advice.  They can sue psychics, so this was a dodge to cover our asses.  

But it's all good now.

[Chaplin_Sinatra_Fonzarell]

Well, I can do weddings, baptisms, ordinations, and burials that are officially recognized by the Discordian society throughout the multiverse and for all eternity, and I officially married, baptised, ordained, and declared dead every life form in the multiverse a long time ago.[/Verthaine]

[Eldora, Oracle of Alchemy]

<snip whiney nothing is my fault crap>
The only reason I haven't done that is because there has been no reason for me to.  I got the ordination to protect me legally when I was working for < sit down and put your drinks down >  Kibrina's Psychic Answer.  Yeah, I did the telephone psychic stuff.

Legally, if you are an ordained minister, you can't be sued for giving bad advice.  They can sue psychics, so this was a dodge to cover our asses.  

But it's all good now.

Are you sure about that?  That is one hell of a giant loophole.  And it would be worth it for that alone.  Because I am always giving people advice, if I could preface everything I say with, you can't sue me, I'm a minister, that would rock.
edit: PS love the new avatar, my family is the Adams' family  

[Daven]

Are you sure about that?  That is one hell of a giant loophole.  And it would be worth it for that alone.  Because I am always giving people advice, if I could preface everything I say with, you can't sue me, I'm a minister, that would rock.

Yeah, I'm sure.  

It's written like this:  If you are a minister giving advice, you are counseling and it's a religious act.  You can't charge money for it, but you can do a donation which can be a defacto fee.

If you just give advice like a tarot reader, it's a private transaction and you can be libel for their shitty life if they take your advice.

At least that was the way it was about 13 years ago, they may have changed the law.

If you do decide to do it, you don't have to use it.  It's one of those things that it can't hurt to have just in case.

[Daven]

I guess the reason they wrote the laws that way is because they assume that in order to GET ordaned in the first place you have to leap through all kinds of hoops.  I don't think that there is a group like the ULC who will simply go "bling" and ordain you.

Normally it takes YEARS of study to become ordained, and you HAVE to have the paper.  Like the Catholic Church and most other seminarys.  I don't think that the lawyers counted on the ULC doing this.

[Eldora, Oracle of Alchemy]

Are you sure about that?  That is one hell of a giant loophole.  And it would be worth it for that alone.  Because I am always giving people advice, if I could preface everything I say with, you can't sue me, I'm a minister, that would rock.

Yeah, I'm sure.  

It's written like this:  If you are a minister giving advice, you are counseling and it's a religious act.  You can't charge money for it, but you can do a donation which can be a defacto fee.

If you just give advice like a tarot reader, it's a private transaction and you can be libel for their shitty life if they take your advice.

At least that was the way it was about 13 years ago, they may have changed the law.

If you do decide to do it, you don't have to use it.  It's one of those things that it can't hurt to have just in case.

That's why tarot readings are done for 'entertainment purposes' only.

[LMNO]

Or as special as an Earl Scheib paint job.

::Looks around nervously::

Is there something wrong with this paint job i just got?

[Great Teacher Largo]

Or as special as an Earl Scheib paint job.

::Looks around nervously::

Is there something wrong with this paint job i just got?

No, no, it's quite catchy.

But...

What's up with that dual muffler thing you have going on?

[Irreverend Hugh, KSC]

By what, the Unitarian church or the U.C.C.? Or are you one of those Pagan Anabaptists who has sex with his mule and worships a giant golden pitchfork and things he's going to be saved by having a shaggy hippy beard?

Now see here, you filthy rogue!

I am ordained as a minister in the Church of the Flaming Baby Jesus and I don't take to kindly to heathen-devil-pagans like you masquerading yourselves as Christians. You are filthy and shameful in your ungodliness, you decietful anti-christ! You have been warned. Your day of reckoning with the Lord is nigh! Every knee shall bow and every tongue shall confess! So don't you try to step!

[Great Teacher Largo]

By what, the Unitarian church or the U.C.C.? Or are you one of those Pagan Anabaptists who has sex with his mule and worships a giant golden pitchfork and things he's going to be saved by having a shaggy hippy beard?

Now see here, you filthy rogue!

I am ordained as a minister in the Church of the Flaming Baby Jesus and I don't take to kindly to heathen-devil-pagans like you masquerading yourselves as Christians. You are filthy and shameful in your ungodliness, you decietful anti-christ! You have been warned. Your day of reckoning with the Lord is nigh! Every knee shall bow and every tongue shall confess! So don't you try to step!

You're in the Church of Flaming Baby Jesus?

I'm one of the Apocalypse Bretheren.  How you guys doin'?

[Irreverend Hugh, KSC]

By what, the Unitarian church or the U.C.C.? Or are you one of those Pagan Anabaptists who has sex with his mule and worships a giant golden pitchfork and things he's going to be saved by having a shaggy hippy beard?

Now see here, you filthy rogue!

I am ordained as a minister in the Church of the Flaming Baby Jesus and I don't take to kindly to heathen-devil-pagans like you masquerading yourselves as Christians. You are filthy and shameful in your ungodliness, you decietful anti-christ! You have been warned. Your day of reckoning with the Lord is nigh! Every knee shall bow and every tongue shall confess! So don't you try to step!

You're in the Church of Flaming Baby Jesus?

I'm one of the Apocalypse Bretheren.  How you guys doin'?

We do all right, praise the Lord.

You are okay, but a tad too lavender for Christ, if you know what I mean. You may wish to repudiate that little heresy before the new purge starts.

[Great Teacher Largo]

By what, the Unitarian church or the U.C.C.? Or are you one of those Pagan Anabaptists who has sex with his mule and worships a giant golden pitchfork and things he's going to be saved by having a shaggy hippy beard?

Now see here, you filthy rogue!

I am ordained as a minister in the Church of the Flaming Baby Jesus and I don't take to kindly to heathen-devil-pagans like you masquerading yourselves as Christians. You are filthy and shameful in your ungodliness, you decietful anti-christ! You have been warned. Your day of reckoning with the Lord is nigh! Every knee shall bow and every tongue shall confess! So don't you try to step!

You're in the Church of Flaming Baby Jesus?

I'm one of the Apocalypse Bretheren.  How you guys doin'?

We do all right, praise the Lord.

You are okay, but a tad too lavender for Christ, if you know what I mean. You may wish to repudiate that little heresy before the new purge starts.

Got no time t'think about the New Purge, we have our Lord's Work to be done!

You know how it is.

Heckling women outside of Abortion Clinics.

Threatening the Doctors who work at the Clinics.

Killing them.

Blowing up the Clinics.

And don't get me started on passing all those laws against things for those sinners' own goods!

[Irreverend Hugh, KSC]

Heretic!

Why dost thou walk in the spirit of Satan?

Hast not thou the Lord?

Why must thee stepst?

[Great Teacher Largo]

Heretic!

Why dost thou walk in the spirit of Satan?

Hast not thou the Lord?

Why must thee stepst?

Dude, are we on the same page, here, 'cause when I use my Apocalypse Brethern Translation from the Original Eldar God, all I get for that psalm is:

IA!  IA!  IA!  IA SAKKAKTH!  IAK SAKKAKH!  IA SHA XUL!
IA!  IA!  IA UTUKKU XUL!
IA!  IA ZIXUL!  IA ZIXUL!
IA KINGU!  IA AZBUL!  IA AZABUA!  IA XAZTUR!  IA HUBBUR!
IA!  IA!  IA!
BAXABAXAXAXAXABAXAXAXAXA!
KAKHTAKHTAMON IAS!