Bea Arthur's Vagina

[hooplala]

-I don't know how I'll go about meeting her, he said while looking out at the rain falling into the greasy puddles.  -But, I know now that it's what I was born to do.

    It was two-thirty in the morning, and she noticed that he had dark circles under his eyes.  She took a sip of her coffee, and said.  -Well, to be quite honest, I think it's a retarded idea.

-That's your opinion, but I know that it's what I have to do.

-Well, she said wearily, -how do you plan to go about this adventure?

He took a long drag on his cigarette, looking back out the window at the rain, and said,  -I still don't know.  It's just that I feel Bea Arthur's vagina would be very charming and witty.  In fact, I don't feel it - I know it.

She repeated, sarcastically, -You know it . . .

He stared down at the heater of his cigarette, slowly giving off blue smoke, as if hypnotized.  -It has occured to you, she said, -that you don't actually know Bea Arthur?

-That means absolutely nothing.  It's not her that I'm interested in.

-It's her vagina.

-That's right. he said, winking, -Now you're getting it.

-So, let me get this straight, she said.  -You plan to take Bea Arthur's vagina on the road, to halls all across the country, and then do . . . what?

He sat forward, excited.  -It'll start with some kind of monologue that we'll write together-

-Us?  she said, leaning forward, smiling.

-Wha- no no no, the vagina and I . . . listen.  It'll be some sort of charming memoir or some shit, you know what I'm talking about.  Pathos, eh? Funny, right? Hmm?  Then, a question-and-answer portion, to spotlight how naturally gifted she is, unscripted.

-The vagina, she said, to clarify.

-That's right.

-Well, I think it's nutty.

-You simply lack vision.

-But won't it be violent?  she asked.  -I mean, getting it?

He snorted with laughter.  -Pffh!  No!  I don't plan to cut her out, or rip her out.  That will not be necessary.  I'm just going to coax her out . . . I'm sure she'll be happy to come.

She sighed.  -It's just a vagina.

-Only a woman would say that.  No, she's been repressed all these years.

-The vagina?  she asked, to clarify.

-Yes, it's an extremely intelligent and charasmatic vagina.

-Menopause's been kind to the old girl, she said.

- . . . don't be crass.

-I'm sorry.

-It doesn't become you.

-I'm sorry.

-I'm just sick of her being hidden away while Bea Arthur hogs all the limelight.

-Bea Arthur is a  wonderful actress.

-No question.  Bea Arthur is a terrific actor.  Maude was a breakthrough show.  But, I'm not interested in Bea Arthur, I'm interested in bringing her better half to the world.

-The vagina, she said to clarify.

- . . . yes.

-Fucked.  she said, standing up.  She gathered her purse, and dropped down two dollars for the coffee, and then walked out into the rain.

Puffing on his cigarette he looked out the window and thought about how he'd read somewhere about frogs mysteriously falling from the sky.  He dropped his cigarette into what was left of her coffee, in case she came back.

He leaned forward again, and mumbled, -How to meet Bea Arthur . . . how to meet her . . . ?

[Anonymous]

ew

[hooplala]

ew

Exactly.

I feel I should mention here that this little story is based on a dream I had, not simply some fetish I have for geriatric actresses.

Feel free to analyze what you think it may mean . . . I think it just means I'm fucked up, but what do I know?

[Horab Fibslager]

you want to ahve sex with geriatric actresses?

[hooplala]

Well, not usually, no . . . and I wouldn't fuck Bea Arthur with my worst enemy's dick, but Betty White?

Maaaaaaaaaaybe.

[East Coast Hustle]

Betty White is a dirty girl. I would totally saw her in half.

[Zurtok Khan]

THat was a great piece of writing.

No, serious, I thouroughly enjoyed it.



Maybe it is I who have the thing for geriatric actresses?

[hooplala]

THat was a great piece of writing.

No, serious, I thouroughly enjoyed it.



Maybe it is I who have the thing for geriatric actresses?

I honestly don't see how a person couldn't enjoy Bea Arthur.  I mean, I don't want to get kinky with her, but I would love to have her sitting around in my house to make sharp biting remarks now and then.  I would also love to have Brigitte Nielson sitting around smoking and being European . . . after seeing her on the Surreal Life I want to have my own Brigitte . . .

[Guest]

I've loved Bea Arthur ever since Cousin Maude came to take care of the Bunkers when they all had the flu. She made Archie cream of wheat cereal with cheese on top because "It's filling, it's soothing, and it binds."

[Bella]

Did you guys ever see the SNL episode where they had Barbara Bush, Nancy Regan and Hillary reading the Vagina Monologues script? It was one of the funniest things I've ever seen.

[Clichés_Dyed_4_My_Sins]

Did you guys ever see the SNL episode where they had Barbara Bush, Nancy Regan and Hillary reading the Vagina Monologues script? It was one of the funniest things I've ever seen.

I own the Vagina M. book. I would watch SNL if they ever announced they were going to replay that bit.

[Rev. St. Syn, KSC (Ret.)]

Betty White is a dirty girl. I would totally saw her in half.

[Clichés_Dyed_4_My_Sins]

OMG!    Betty! You slut!

She certainly has aged well.

[hooplala]

[Enrico Salazar]

Bea Arthur is a goddess.