The Flounce Room

[the other anonymous]

"Welcome to the Open Bar," the automated voice said to N00b.

N00b stepped inside and looked around. The place was trashed. Half of the tables were broken or deleted. A couple of stools had been edited -- by what one could not say, other than it must have been some evil mod of doom.

N00b stepped up to what was left of the bar. The Mgt peeked out from behind timidly. "Is the brawl over yet?"

"Um," N00b looked around. "I guess so. The only people here are quietly sipping their drinks and trying not to look at the mess."

"Good." The Mgt stood up. "Can I get you something to drink?"

"I'll have a beer."

"BEER IS FOR TEH WHINYE LUSERS!" a ghostly penis shouted in N00bs ear before moving on to shout at someone else. "I HAVE NOHTNIG TO SAY! WHY DID YUO BAN ME!?"

"He's been banned?" N00b asked. "Then why is he still here?"

"I wouldn't know for sure but," The Mgt leaned in to whisper in N00b's ear, "I think that might be Eric."

"Who's Eric?" N00b asked.

Before The Mgt could respond, the ghostly penis jumped over the bar and shouted, "I AM NOT TEH ERIC! WHY DID YUO BAN ME!?"

"Excuse me a minute," The Mgt said to N00b. With a puff of smoke, The Mgt was gone.

N00b looked around. The few people sitting at what was left of the booths seemed to be huddled and wary of outsiders. "I don't think I want to be here," N00b muttered to himself.

"TEHN WHY DONT YUIO FLOUNEC LIKE ALL TEH OHTER LUSERS!?" the ghostly penis shouted.

"How do I flounce?" N00b asked, not knowing if he'd like the answer.

"OVRE TEHRE," the ghostly penis pointed to a door at the back where someone seemed to be going in and out of as if they couldn't make up their mind. "GO AHEAD AND FLOUNE LOSER! WE ALL KNOW YOUR ERIC!"

N00b walked over to the door.

"Hi! I'm Fnordiscordia. Did I win any bets yet!?" Fnordiscordia asked.

"I don't know," N00b said. "What bets?"

"That's it! I'm flouncing!" Fnordiscordia went back into the room.

Just as the door closed, it opened again and Fnordiscordia stepped out. "Okay, I'm back."

"What's in that room?" N00b asked.

"That? Oh, that's the Flounce Room. But the only way in is to flounce."

"How do I flounce?" N00b asked.

"Simple. But first, I have to ask: Are you Eric?"

"No."

"Okay then. First, announce your flounce. The simply open the door and step through. Like this." With that, Fnordiscordia wailed a faux emo wail, opened the door and stepped through.

N00b followed.

"You think you got the hang of it?" Fnordiscordia asked.

"Um, yea," N00b said.

"Good. I'm going back out now." And with that, Fnordiscordia went back to the bar.

N00b looked around. The room was kind of big, about the size of twenty-three phpBB message boards, and contained about seventeen beds. Three men were standing naked near one of the beds and shouting at each other.

"SUHT UP ERIC! MY DICK IS BIGGEST!!" Roger shouted.

"No, sir! My penis is bigger and uses lower-case, Eric," Hugh replied.

"I AM THE UBER-BIGGEST PENIS! LOOK UPON ME AND BE AWED BY TEH BIGGNESSS TAHT IS ME PENIS!" Turd shouted.

"Um, hello?" N00b interrupted. "Is this the Flounce Room?"

"YOU ARE TEH ERIC! YOUR IDEAS ARE LAME! WAYSA!?" Roger shouted at N00b.

"Hold up, Roger! Let's ask N00b to decide," Hugh said. "N00b, which of our penises is the biggest?"

"TAHTS A STOOPID IDAE HUGH! WAYSA!?" Roger shouted.

"Actually," N00b said, looking down, "I can't really see any of your penises."

"ARE YOU CALLING ME SMALL ERIC!?" Roger shouted. "I CANT BE SMALL! I RIPPED HUGH A NEW ASSHOLE! AND I SAY AGAIN, WTFAYSA!!!?"

N00b was about to back away when a tall and scary black man appeared.

"VERTHAINE IS TEH LOSER! VERTHAINE IS ERIC! I PWNED YOU!" Turd shouted.

Verthaine got up in his face. "You steppin' to me boy? You do not want to be steppin to me! I grew up in South fuckin Compton, bitch! My left lung has been shot so many times, it's made of lead! You hear me, bitch!? Superman couldn't see through me!" By now, Verthaine was towering over Turd's cowardly stature, raining down the righteous spittle of fury upon his face. "And furthermore, you little piece of cracker shit! My dick is so big, I give clydesdales performance anxiety! SO YOU DO NOT WANT TO FUCK WITH THIS NIGGER!!"

Nobody else said a waord, averting their eyes in fear.

"Um, sir?" N00b asked. "Why are you flouncing?"

"I'm not," Verthaine said. "This is the only way to the employee's bathroom. Damn trolls ruined the other one."

Verthaine continued on his journey.

N00b quickly turned back, hoping the people left in the bar weren't as crazy as these three.

On his way through the door, he bumped into an excessively average man in an overcoat. "Excuse me," LMNO said. "I have some business to take care of."

"LMNO YOU STROIES ARE TEH SUCK! YOU ARE TEH ERIC!" Turd shouted.

"Oh, so this is where the penis war is?" LMNO retorted. He whipped open his overcoat to reveal the five-foot schlong he had been clutching to his chest, which now dropped to the floor, hanging peacefully yet pridefully from between his equally thick and powerful legs.

"I AM TEH WIN, YOU FUCKING MORAN!" And with that, he shut his overcoat and returned to the bar to finish writing LMNO-PI.

N00b followed LMNO out to the bar. LMNO sat down with a few persons.

"Hello? I'm new here and I was wondering: what's going on? Why is this place so trashed?" N00b asked.

"Hello, N00b!" Eldora said. "Wanna hear a story about my son?"

"Not really," N00b said.

"I knew it! You're Eric aren't you? Fess up!"

Just then, DJRubberDucky ran through the bar screaming, "Help! I'm being sigged! I'm being sigged!"

"Who's Eric?" N00b asked.

The other anonymous spoke up, "Yea! His question good.
Who is this Eric fellow
people talk about?"

"Are you speaking in haiku?" N00b asked.

"Yes I am, good friend.
For I am the haiku god.
Five-seven-five, yo!" toa said.

"Isn't that saying supposed to be, 'five-by-five'?" N00b asked.

"I can make it say
whatever I want it to.
All haikus are mine!" toa said.

"Okay," N00b said. "Can we get back to explaining this mess?"

"Eh, I'm sure The Mgt will clean it up eventually," Eldora said.

"THE MGT IS IN MY PANTS!" the ghostly penis shouted.

"ELDORA'S JUST JEALOUS BECAUSE HER SON AINT AS GOOD AS HER HUSBAND ERIC!" Chef shouted.

"Will you marry me and bake me pie?" toa asked Chef.

"Hey! You look like that guy in the back room!" N00b said.

"NO I DONT!" Chef said and hurredly walked away.

"This board is sucking.
I am now on strike. So there.
But nobody cares," toa said.

"I care. I'm also waiting for you to slip up and break the syllable count or use bad grammer," N00b said.

"Shut up, you loser!
I'm the one true haiku god!
You will worship and ...
um ...
Next Topic: OBEY!" toa shouted.

N00b walked back to the bar and sat down.

Just then, he saw toa waving a riding crop and chasing Chef into the kitchen. After a few loud slaps and screams, N00b heard toa shout, "Cook me some dinner, bitch!"

N00b set down his beer and walked to the front door. "Sorriest bunch of losers I ever saw. I'm going back to FurryMUCK."

"And just who the hell is Eric?"

[Cain]

 Now this is class!

[Eldora, Oracle of Alchemy]

Malaul is going to want to know where Verthaine found platforms tall enough to tower over Turd, hehehe

[East Coast Hustle]

10/10

[gnimbley]

[Eldora, Oracle of Alchemy]

btw, love the new avatar

[gnimbley]

Goes with my new reality. Now that I have finished the play, and the
web site is almost ready, I start on the novel.

[The Good Reverend Roger]

Absolutely brilliant.

11.87846454/10.

[DJRubberducky]

Help!  Help!  I'm being sigged!  Come see the irreverence inherent in the system!

[Bob the Mediocre]

It's so good I think I can ignore all the real arguments i missed. Thanks.

[One-Eyed Thayne Magee]

extreme class. i didn't grasp all of it the first time i read it through but after cruising through this place some more i got to say it's masterful.

[The Good Reverend Roger]

extreme class. i didn't grasp all of it the first time i read it through but after cruising through this place some more i got to say it's masterful.

PD wasn't ALWAYS like this...

...but it's certainly more interesting, this way.

TGRR,
Seems to remember a time when all the old-skoolers were friends.