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Topics - Dalek

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1
Aneristic Illusions / Bulgaria's most discordian elections.
« on: May 18, 2013, 02:51:54 pm »
I'll start this of where I last stopped - the protests in Bulgaria. The protests in winter were most probably staged. It's not something new - staged protests to protect someone's interests (mostly Russia's) are mostly what protests are here. Then it got a bit out of control. This is where I don't know how much is staged and how much developed out of people's anger, but eventually it all turned against the ruling party - GERB. A guy set himself on fire. Then a bunch of other people set themselves on fire. Protests continued with people surrounding the parliment, yelling "MAFIA" and throwing tomatoes and eggs (I prefer molotovs, but people are kind of chill when it comes to thrashing the parliment around here)

GERB's leader - Boyko Borisov is a thug/policeman. He used to run methamphetamine trade a long time ago and before that he was Todor Zhivkov (Bulgaria's soviet leader) bodyguard. This guy has seen the Godfather and somehow convinced himself that he is indeed Don Corleone. Speed, whiskey and an Eastern European thug don't really make for a good prime-minister, but he's "Alpha as fuck" so he got elected four years ago and Bulgaria hasn't seen worse times since the Commies. A lot of information leaked against GERB. They stole a shit tone of cash from the EU (for example getting 3 milion to make new roads, and using 1 million on roads and 2 to make the politicians richer). Then a wiretapping leaked. On it were Boyko Borisov, a prosecutor and a minister who were discussing where they've put inside people and various schemes to trick people (too tipsy to explain about the wiretapping, some other time). Anyways, people got pissed about that. When Borisov was asked to comment the wiretapping recording he just said that there is no proof that it isn't someone else, faking his voice.

Briefly, GERB were trying to turn Bulgaria into a police state and they've got the police working for them (that's kind of close to the definition of a fascist party)

Eventually it was the day before elections. In Bulgaria it's called "A day for reflection" and political agitation is forbidden. On that day someone discovered 750 000 fake bulletins that were supposed to go for GERB. GERB denied and said that there's a conspiracy against them.

Skip to elections day. Results come out: 30% for GERB, 26% for Bulgarian Communist Party, 12 for Ataka (Nationalist party), 10 for DSB (Musulim and turks party) and 8 for NFSB (NATIONAL BULGARIAN LIBERATION FRONT - sounds badass, don't it?). So, GERB win, but everyone is against them. And there were 47 parties who you could vote for and almost everyone who didn't vote for GERB, voted against them. This causes outrage. People surround the parliment, fight with police, etc. GERB try to leer Ataka to form a coalition with them. Ataka's leader is an insane fanatic (when he ran for president, his election video was him, waving his fist in the air, yelling, with Bulgarian flags waving and "Dance of the Valkyres" playing in the background).  For once, I actually sympathised with him, because in a response to GERB's proposal, he said that GERB are a bunch of cunts, who try to rob Bulgaria and should probably be abolished from the face of Earth.

Eventually a coalition against GERB formed. This is the most absurd coalition ever - it's the Communist party, the nationalist party and the turks and musulims.

Boyko Borisov is failing hard. At press conferences he speaks a bunch of bullshit that is brilliantly absurd. For example "I AM THE ONLY EXPERT POLITIAN IN THIS COUNTRY" (nope, you're a thug) and his promise to Pork Farmers (who are his supporters) that he will help them establish trade in Arab countries (where, you know, no one fucking eats pork).

Eventually the countrie's main prosecutor (I don't know if that's the word, but I'm talking about the guy, who's on top of the law system and is independent from the other parties) anounces that he's got strong evidence that GERB faked the ellections. Then he started recieving threats and now he's covering, under very high security.

Now it's pretty unclear what is happening and going to happen. I'm reading the news, laughing my ass off, shouting "HAIL ERIS!"

2
Remember that time I said:

Quote
You're just a bunch of old people wishing you'd be young again. YOLO, bitchez!

I was trying to say in a self-ironic way "Yeah, you're probably right, but I'm not going to listen to you, because I'm 18 and immortal." Then I thought that the irony wouldn't be that evident and added the "YOLO, bitchez!" part, but that didn't really get my message through.

And then I came back on the boards, and seeing how you were still convinced that I'm a #YoloSwagRetard I decided to play along a bit, while trying to say the most ridiculous things to make it obvious that I am joking. You know, like saying that I've never been addicted to anything except for cigarettes, so meth surely won't be a problem.

So yeah, IT WAS A SOCIAL EXPERIMENT AND YOU ACTED JUST THE WAY I WANTED TO (this is also self-irony and a reference to a reoccurring theme in PD trolling). I'm not really on meth. I don't even do that much drugs lately and my life is going pretty good (finished high-school with straight A's all over fyeah). Love you, guys <3

3
Techmology and Scientism / Someone linked Netjester to Cleverbot
« on: May 17, 2013, 09:38:03 pm »
Netjester is an AI that learns from 420chan.  Someone made a program where he constantly chats to cleverbot. It's gold http://boards.420chan.org/b/res/3150634.php

4
Aneristic Illusions / Bulgaria is on some watergate shit
« on: May 02, 2013, 03:00:07 pm »
Transcript
http://www.novinite.com/view_news.php?id=149889

Good article explaining the general situation
http://www.economist.com/blogs/easternapproaches/2013/04/bulgarias-wiretapping-scandal

What the fuck  :lulz: The way they speak in the original audio is hilarious, because they use mafia slang all the time and speak like full-on thugs.

Featuring the prime minister -Boyko Borisov, the agriculture minister -Miroslav Naydenov, and sofia city prosecutor - Nikolay Kokinov.

Quote
Nikolay Kokinov NK, Miroslav Naydenov MN, Boyko Borisov - BB

NK: Good morning.

MN: I am in disguise.

NK: Disguise? I just want water, nothing else.

MN: Have you lost weight?

NK: Only mentally. They are hunting me down. I am repressed.

MN: As the Boss says, we have been all put on the same train.

NK: Yeah, yeah, but you all forgot about me.

MN: I have been forgotten even more.

NK: I have no idea who is after you. You might have been told it was me, but...

MN: No, this is why the Boss called you last night.

NK: I really have no idea what is happening here. Someone higher-up is ordering some things. Who is after you, this is very interesting.

MN: I don't know. I told the Boss, he said Tsetso (diminutive of Tsvetan editor's note). I think it is Tsetso, because the attack is strong and well-coordinated.

NK: It means it is the deed of the Chief Prosecutor. He has become already quite emancipated.

MN: Because he (the Chief Prosecutor), the first time he spoke, he directly attacked you as well.

NK: What to say further...

MN: Tsatsarov has told the Boss he was pressured by someone to press charges against me.

NK: They are hiding the case from me. I am repressed by everyone. The President is after me as well...

MN: Why him, what does he want?

NK: Because we are Boyko's people. I have no idea what is going on. I am confused who plays with whom; who is on whose side?

MN: I was with the Boss during the weekend and told him they will charge me. He said it was non-sense. And I was subpoenaed on Monday.

NK: See, it was the Boss who handpicked this Chief Prosecutor.

Borisov enters the room.

BB: Curses, Slavi Binev has higher ratings than Kostov, this is ridiculous.

Kokinov laughs.

BB: Give me a cigar.

MN: Mareshki has paid well and today he is on the front pages of Trud and 24 Hours. They are feeding the media.

BB: You made me ill.

NK: I am even worse of. Why is the President after me? He says I was one of your people.

BB: If he had said that, this is good.

NK: Good, maybe, but the Boss presents it in another way.

BB: Meaning?

NK: He said the President scolded him how long are you going to put up with these people, he told him. These are not good things. I am repressed. The Socialists are repressing me too.

BB: Who from them?

NK: In general (laughs). All are repressing me. Yane is after me as well.

BB: Why?

NK: Over the energy sector cases. I am going to bite the dust. I will apply to become Appellate Prosecutor, I want to go there?

BB: Where is this?

NK: The Appellate Prosecutor's Office.

BB: In Sofia?

NK: I do not want to stay here anymore.

BB: And this one, Dzambazov, who is he with? I know who appointed him. Sasho Arabadzhiev called Filchev on Stanishev's and Parvanov's request.

NK: He is from my hometown, Yambol. He is younger than me... He is somewhat gay, but...

BB: Not somewhat, he is openly a ... (very derogative).

NK: Right. But otherwise he is a good boy. Smart boy.

BB: All gays are very smart in general. I will start saying that I am gay.

Kokinov laughs.

BB: So that they think I am smart. Nikola Filchev told me Dzambazov's entire story. You know Filchev, he is like a computer, you press the button and he begins giving you stories and dates.

NK: Boyko Naydenov first took Dzambazov to work for him; then I took him.

BB: Maybe you like quirky things too?

NK: I have never tried (with a man)... It might be nice. Who knows; at my age...

BB: Wasn't Dzambazov the one who went to interrogate Ovcharov in his office?

NK: Yes, he was even scolded over it. As far as Miro (Miroslav Naydenov), they are hiding his case from me.

BB: Who is hiding it?

NK: The Prosecutor's Office leadership.

BB: Who?

NK: You want me to talk against my Boss? The monitoring prosecutor is reporting every evening everything to Bobi (Borislav) Sarafov.

BB: Who is Bobi Sarafov?

NK: He is reporting, I suppose on Tsatsarov's orders, because I am between a rock and a hard place. Everyone is blackmailing me.

BB: Is it better to be Appellate Prosecutor than City Prosecutor?

NK: It is three levels higher. You promised me to become Chief Prosecutor; it did not happen. In the Appellate Office, I will be higher-up than the Sofia City Prosecutor's Office.

BB: And Miro's case? As a prosecutor, what do you think?

NK: I think nothing. This witness, what was his name Simeonov? he has changed his mind again. This is what they told me from the airport. I am serious. Without his testimony, I do not see them having anything against Miro. Just the special surveillance devices of Kalina Ilieva.

MN: They now want to frame Malena (Prosecutor Malena Filipova) with me.

NK to BB: Do not smirk. You are the one who handpicked him (meaning Tsatsarov).

NK: Bro, they are after you... Guess who. It is not me. Ask the Boss to tell you.

BB: Who?

NK: Ask the Chief Prosecutor what is going on in his head. He does not tell me. He is surprising me constantly. One day he is beating me, on the next one he is caressing me. This is why I want to become Appellate Prosecutor. The Boss told me we should crucify as Jesus the journalist from Mediapool, Boris Mitov. He is gay as well. Gay and a junkie. I am always the one to handle the fires, and I am getting tired. It is too much; blow after blow. Everyone is misleading me, cheating on me. It hurts.

BB: Is Roman (Roman Vassilev) f... Dzambazov?

NK: According to the media, another one of my deputies is gay.

BB: Roman appears to like men somewhat (derogative).

NK: They are good friends with Dzambazov, for sure.

MN: This gay thing is contagious...

NK: I have no idea what is contagious...But I am nervous lately.

MN: So am I.

NK: Things are not good. Yours is yours, mine is mine.

MN: I am asking you as a prosecutor. If this witness has changed his testimony, couldn't they drop the case?

NK: They can.

MN: And why aren't they? This was the deal, wasn't it? I go, they question me, end of story.

NK: I am repressed right now; I have no room for maneuvering. I am asking Dzambazov. He does not tell me; he lies to me, I know. Honestly, I think the case will not hold water in Court. As far as the other case, about the media, I heart a gossip, which I can tell you, but only if you want to hear it.

MN: Tell me.

NK: They have offered a deal, and it might have been accepted by some young ladies, and one of them is the lady you have been shacking up with - to testify against you in exchange of her not being charged.

BB: I told you he is not your problem; she is your problem.

NK: So, I am thinking in the right direction.

MN: I am not nervous there.

BB: If the one I am shacking up with begins setting me up, whose fault it would be? Listen to what the man tells you.

MN: Well, he said it was gossip...

NK: Gossip that might turn true.

BB: Makes sense.

NK: I am going to see my Boss for rehearsal. I have no idea if I will be back.

Kokinov leaves after handing to Borisov undisclosed yet results of prosecutor's probes, according to the original publication.

MN to BB: Listen, Boss. She will not betray me. Marga is very close to Kalina (Ilieva). They see each other even after Kalina was sentenced for forging her diploma.

Borisov speaks on the phone.

BB: How did the interview go with Barekov  (journalist from TV Nikola Barekov). He is ... (vulgarity).

Borisov speaks on the phone.

BB: They are talking against themselves. Again, the "Crazy" one is not your problem; this is your problem because it boils down to EU money.

5
There are a lot of words that are specific to a given language and give meaning to otherwise vague shit. Post them here.

For example, in Bulgaria stoner culture created the expression "I've put myself into a film". "Film", apart from it's meaning as a movie has become a very curious word and it's very useful in addressing abstract concepts. The "film" of something can be the general idea behind it. For example, if my maths teacher aims mainly at making us disciplined and productive members of society, you can say that "her film is to make us disciplined and productive members of society". If someone is unreasonably paranoid about something you can say that "He's in a film". Basically the word "film" in bulgarian stands for the way you bend things through your own subjective point of view.

Examples:
- She's very mad at me
- No she isn't! You're in a film


Then you've got the word "filmed" . It's hard for me to explain it, so I'll give a few examples

- No matter what we were talking about, he wouldn't shut up about Christianity
- Yeah, he's very filmed.

- He only cares about getting money and fucking bitches.
- Lol, he's filmed as fuck. 


Basically being "filmed" means being too loyal to an idea or believing in fake values etc. I don't know if this is a good enough explenation. My brain's a bit fucked from too much math today, maybe I'll edit the post, because I think I gave too vague of an explenation (or it's good enough and I'm just filming myself   :) )

6
And I'm out of cigarettes, weed and music to listen to. All the coffee I drank to help me concentrate on my math homework just made me concentrate more on my crush. This is getting a bit out of hand. It's like an mdma come-up that just won't peak. Started out listening some Neutral Milk Hotel and Brazilian Girls songs. Then it was drum and bass, then gabba, then hard techno and shranz. Now all music annoys me. For some strange reason I can't even fap. I can't meditate. It's a tricky situation so I can't really share this with my best mate, to get it out of my head. And i feel like an utter retard for crushing so hard that I'm completely incapable of doing anything.

 :cpd:

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Aneristic Illusions / Essential reads on international politics?
« on: March 07, 2013, 09:57:01 pm »
I haven't been paying as much attention to history and politics as I now want to, and I have a kindle reader and access to pirate websites, so please, dear spags, spam me with books I should download, that will help me expand my knowledge in history, politics and all the stuff that Cain  talks about. I want to get a more in-depth understanding  :link:

8
A few weeks ago, Bulgaria's people finally stopped trying to force change by like-and-sharing funny pictures of politicians on Facebook and went out on the streets on massive protests. The reason was the high electricity prices, caused by the fact that the distribution of electricity is in the hands of Big Foreign Companies. The smell of rebellion was everywhere. And there was also the smell of fish, though no one really noticed it. Facebook activists were bursting with euphoria, spreading pictures of the massive marches. Sofia's police force clashed with protesters. Varna's police force was accepting flowers from them and declared that they support the protests


The protests escalated, with people singing old revolutionary folk songs, blocking main boulevards everyday etc. A few people felt the smell of fish. A journalist tried to expose what was happening in his TV show. A day later the TV show got canceled. No one noticed it. Everyone wanted to hear about how much the politicians had failed. Everyone wanted to hear pseudo-intellectual discussions on the events. Everyone wanted to hear about The Revolution and no one wanted to hear about how big of a scam this whole revolution is. Soon the Financial minister left the Parliament.  A day later Prime minister Boyko Borisov announced his resignation. The Revolution was successful after all. We had taken down the government. What's next? Nobody knew. All they knew was that they wanted change, no one could suggest a good direction. A bunch of folks from Vratsa proposed a new constitution, but their efforts produced a hilarious piece of shit, that seemed more appropriate for North Korea (proposing death penalty for everyone who disrespects Bulgaria loll).

Meanwhile Spas Spassov was the only journalist who was really exposing things for what they were  on his blog (he's a lot like a bulgarian Spider Jerusalem. Pretty awesome. But no one wanted to listen to him, because he was not praising The Revolution). So where was all of this fishy smell comming from?

Now, Russia has been trying to push natural gas here for quite a while and Bulgaria doesn't run on gas. It runs on electricity. And those European companies aren't helping. And Bulgaria's government has been gaining people's disapproval for quite a while. And surely a lot of the politicians that have been hoarding money for the last few years have grown tired of all the games, and have probably taken into account that they've stolen enough money to resign from politics and do their thing (Simeon Diankov, the minister of finance announced that he's starting a business in the US pretty soon after his resignation). And you can't just quit without doing some explaining. And you can't just impose state control on the foreign electricity companies out of nowhere. And you can't really expect people to trust you on election day after having cheated them for quite a long time.

So what do you do if you're a politician in the described situation? You organize a protest. Then you do all of the above to keep the people happy, against your own will of course. Everyone leaves with the money. The big players stay, only now they are lurking in the shadows, secretly pulling the strings on the new ones, that come, bringing hope for a brighter future.

And no one is gonna know, because people don't like to think of themselves as fools. They like to see themselves as revolutionaries. Builders of a brighter future.  So they'll read all of the articles, celebrating social change and criticizing the government, but they'll ignore everyone who implies that the revolution is a scam. A bit like Kony 2012. Boyko 2013 lol.

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deleted

10
Russ Meyers: Apple Talk / ATTN: UK SPAGS, I need your help
« on: February 22, 2013, 07:33:16 pm »
Today I got my last conditional offer on UCAS and I need a bit of inside information on your glorious country.

I'm going to study Social Anthropology and Politics and I've got conditional offers from the universities of Sussex, Kent and Manchester.

Kent looks like a rich folks town, which makes me think living costs there are gonna be too big. From what I've heard Manchester is full of chavs and gun crime (is that true?). The university looks pretty good though. And Sussex looks like a nice place, although it's a bit low in the league tables (how important is that?). Also which one of these three cities is the best to live in? And if anyone's studied in these universities, please share your impressions. Thanks  :fnord:

11
Bring and Brag / My newest experiments in a fuckload of genres
« on: December 01, 2012, 11:56:21 am »
Throughout last year, I've been making a lot of music, here's some tracks. Would love some feedback : ]

http://soundcloud.com/vokestar/mars-attacks - I finished this one last night. It's breakbeat-ish and I love how the synths turned out

http://soundcloud.com/vokestar/dystopic-robotics - Kind of sounds like dub techno. Ambientish and dark

http://soundcloud.com/vokestar/somebody-to-love-remix - A house remix of Jefferson Airplain's song

http://soundcloud.com/vokestar/voke-starman-yani-in-the - A gift for a friend's birthday. Forest-y psychedelic house

http://soundcloud.com/vokestar/afternoon-snap - Psychedelic funk - the samples are from "The Illuminatus" audiobook

http://soundcloud.com/vokestar/space-migration-leaving - Made this one after I got sick of replaying Mass Effect. Space ambient

http://soundcloud.com/vokestar/portals - Hardtekno with some breakbeat elements.

Hope you enjoy listening : ]

12
Russ Meyers: Apple Talk / So, you're looking for answers?
« on: November 24, 2012, 11:47:10 am »
Considering, that you're an average human being, inhabiting planet Earth in the twenty-first century at some point, you're going to ask yourself what is the meaning of all of this. Lately it's all about finding yourself, asking questions,  trying to build a tidy model for your existence. Well, you can't complain about a lack of choice - pretty much everyone is trying to sell you their ideas about achieving happiness, or eternal life, or whatever. Enlightenment is the next big thing, and smiling bearded old men will calmly explain to you the steps you need to walk, to get the same blissful expression as them, permanently stuck to your face. You might be into an obscure or not so obscure religion, you might even be one of those types, that try and find the purpose of life by themselves and if you've got a bit of common sense and a healthy dose of skepticism, you're most probably still struggling to find it. No matter how deep you go into a given philosophy, there's still going to be that sense of strange, those little holes in every theory, that you chose to ignore in order to believe it. An old man in the sky most definitely doesn't have the answers - either that, or it's really as simple as not eating pork, abstaining from premarital sex and giving cash to the church. That thibetian dude with the buddhist robe? Yeah, he's full of just as much shit as you and me, he's just a bit more convinced, that his shit's the best. And those hippies, hugging trees, thinking they know it all? Just wait until the acid wears off.

But you've been so close, right? You've had these moments where you really, really thought you had figured it all out? You had reached the ultimate truth, you had really found life's purpose? What happened then? It faded, right? Felt warm and fuzzy for a few days, weeks, months, but then you started questioning it, and then you found all those little errors, that you had to ignore, to keep that good feeling going. And even if you chose to ignore them, they slowly eat you up inside, until you're once again empty-handed, back to square one. And it's strange. You try again and again and again, but every time you find yourself in front of dead ends. The model is not important, because no matter what philosophy, or theory or movement you follow, there will always be that sense of strange, there will always be unanswered questions and streets that lead you nowhere. And really, the only way to walk these streets without getting lost is knowing that no one really has any idea where they are going, and not wasting time, following the footsteps to their personal dead ends no matter how much they tell you that the wall they've bumped into is the prettiest. It's a mess. It's seven billion people either fooling themselves that they're in the right direction or having absolutely no idea where they're going. And it's seven billion different kinds of strange.

13
Russ Meyers: Apple Talk / Cynicism as an approach to life
« on: November 08, 2012, 07:48:54 pm »
Throughout the last few years of my life, there's been a certain struggle in me, between the romantic that's ready to fall in love with the world, and squeeze it in a big hug and the cynic that skeptically laughs at the huge mess that's everything. I never really managed to identify it until recently and the romantic was usually dominating, with the cynic being a little voice in the back of my mind, that I considered, let's say tasteless.

About a month ago I bought a pill from this Iranian guy, who sells everything but mdma in pill form, still insisting every time in broken bulgarian that his pills are of the purest mdma and mdma only. The fun thing about buying from this guy is that you never know what you're going to get and his pills are often research chemicals or funny, trippy shit.

One day, I was on the afterglow from a pure molly trip and mdma really brings out the romantic, making me see life for all it's beauty and celebrating it and all that hippy shit. I knew when I decided to buy from this guy, that what I was buying would be a random pill and the effects would be interesting (atleast he never sells shit that's dangerous or tries to warn you when it is). The pill was a white one with a playboy bunny stamp. The dealer told me in broken bulgarian "Take only half pill, or too much love it makes feel bad". In the moment I tasted it it reminded me of some 2c-b pills I had eaten a few months ago, but that were not nearly as strong as this one.

 As the pill started taking effect, I started feeling electricity all over my body. I was feeling as if my neurons were being pulled in all directions and my nervous system was firing random signals. Then I proceeded to vomit uncontrollably (took the whole pill - as bad as the effects are, I prefer a full trip). After a few puffs of weed the nausea settled back and what took over me was a feeling I couldn't really classify. I decided to listen to AC/DC since it seemed to fit in with the fact that I was feeling like I was on a fucking electric chair. The trip proceeded and about an hour in, I had managed to specify the feeling - it was cynicism. My whole trip was an overdose of cynicism and it felt amazing.

I really sunk in the emotion, enjoying it throughout - the cynic that had been silenced for so long was finally out, seeing the world for the mess, that it is with shit, smugged all over everything and I found it fucking hilarious. Everything was so absurd - meaning of life? What the fuck was I thinking, searching for it? Life's a fucking joke and everything but laughter would be inadequate - a greyface just doesn't get it, gets trapped, unable to recognize the obvious irony. The romantic inside was dead and he seemed so silly, thinking he has an answer to everything, and that being unable to find one is a problem. The cynic was enjoying the fuck out of all the disorder and chaos and all the absurdity and the lack of justice and the unanswered questions. Why should you be so fucking special, why should you have the answers -  just accept it, you're no more or less important than every other human being, or animal or rock or pile of shit and you're as blind as they all are to the grand scheme of things.

Ever since that trip, I've learned how important it is not to let the romantic strangle my perceptions about the world, I've been living in a sort of a romantic cynicism - life feels more like a game, or a dark comedy, where I just poke different buttons on the controller to see what's happening. The trip also helped me personally understand discordianism better, I think that it deffinetly has a cynical undertone, with the bitter-sweet comedy that everything is.

I really fucking hope that this thread won't turn into a new drug thread  :fnord:

14
High Weirdness / The final boss of the Internet
« on: March 14, 2012, 02:22:55 pm »

15
Sorry for the QQ story, I need to let this shit out somewhere, don't read it if you don't feel like reading. I've really got nowhere but the Internet to share this shit, so here ya go. Mods delete it, if you think it's not appropriate for the forum.

Things at home became unbearable - My dad is out of the house and now my mother is freaking out on me, comparing me to him on every other occasion (for example, I'll say something like "Just because" and she'll start yelling at me that my dad used these words often, bla-blah, and that she hates him and I'm becoming just like him). I've told her a few times that I'm feeling depressed and need her to stop trying to control everything in my life, but she just starts raging and telling me that I have no right to be depressed, because people have it worse and because I'm 17 and 17 year olds can't be depressed.

Recently it's freak out after freak out - she keeps telling me that I am an evil person like my dad, that I am an evil egoistic hypocritic piece of shit, etc. etc. What really started to hurt me is when she started to undermine my already unstable self-esteem by telling me that everyone hates me, that I am a terrible person and all my friends are just using me. I don't believe that, but it hurts when someone you are forced to live with throws these kind of insults all the time. Then she'll keep calm for a day, sometimes two or three and afterwards, she'll start insulting me all over.

Today I told her that I plan to move out and she told me that I should do that, but threatened that she'll sign me off school - now I don't want to quit school, because I need my high school diploma, and being one of the school's best students, it would be real shit to quit school and fuck everything I've accomplished so far. She's crying all the time now, telling me that she hates me and wishes I was never born and I'm trying to ignore that, because I've had quite enough of this family's bullshit.

I'm trying to keep some balance. On one hand I don't want to leave my mother all alone as it's a very difficult period of her life, but living with her is unbearable and it's making me very unstable and miserable. I tried explaining to her that me moving out does not mean we need to hate each other or stop keeping contact, but she told me that if I move out, I'm no longer her son.

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