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Topics - PANGO!

#1
PANGO WAS SURE 2016 WOULD BE YEAR TO FINALLY DO YOU PIGS IN, BUT NO. NO, OF COURSE NOT. OF COURSE PIGS FIND NEW AND INTERESTING WAYS TO TORTURE THEMSELVES AND MORAL FABRIC OF UNIVERSE. IS NOT SURPRISING, BUT MAYBE A LITTLE DISAPPOINTING. YOU SHITBRAINED LIVESTOCK NEVER LISTEN TO GOOD ADVICE. PANGO SAYS "KILL YOURSELF, IS BEST YOU CAN HOPE FOR." DID YOU LISTEN? NO. NOW LOOK WHAT YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH.

AS IF FAILING ECONOMY, RESURRECTION OF FEUDALISM, IMMINENT ECOLOGICAL COLLAPSE, AND ALL THE GOOD ROCK STARS ROTTING IN GRAVE IS NOT ENOUGH, YOU SMEARED TURDS HIRE REALITY TV PERSONALITY AND DARE TO FEEL SURPRISED WHEN HE TURNS OUT TO BE ACTUAL, CARD-CARRYING NAZI. WHAT EXACTLY IS WRONG WITH YOU? A LOT, PANGO SUPPOSES.

BEST CASE SCENARIO NOW IS SUDDEN EXPLOSION IN COCKROACH EVOLUTION, LEADING TO INSECT REVOLUTION AND SUBJUGATION OF HUMAN POPULATION. IS OBVIOUS YOU DUMB APES LACK ABILITY TO GOVERN YOURSELVES.
#2
WHAT IS GOING, PIGS?

PANGO HEARS YOU HAVE MAKE THE ELECTION OF ACTUAL NAZI. SO MUCH FOR FREEDOM RIGHT? PANGO HAS ALWAYS KNOWN FREEDOM IS CODEWORD FOR "FUCK THOSE GUYS OVER THERE" OF COURSE, NOW IT LOOKS LIKE IS BEGINNING TO DAWN ON REST OF YOUR SWINE. IS ABOUT TIME, NO?

SO LOTS OF FEELINGS AND ANGER, SO MUCH BOOHOO AND WHAT ABOUT CIVILITY AND WHAT TO DO ABOUT IT. LOOK, PANGO KNOW YOUR PAIN. PANGO WAS FASCIST BACK IN GOOD OLD DAYS WHEN FASCISTS CALL THEMSELVES FASCISTS. BUT IS NOT SO BAD. THIS CENTURY WAS LOOKING PRETTY BLAND TO BE HONEST. NOTHING BUT BRAND NEW SHITTY OLD IPHONE AND TED TALKS ABOUT EMOTIONS. LOTS OF MEDIOCRITY, NOT MUCH TO LOOK FORWARD TO. NOW IS TIME TO CELEBRATE! SURE, IS GOING TO HURT REAL BAD. SO WHAT? PAIN IS ONLY PAIN UNTIL YOU DIE, THEN IS SOMEONE ELSE'S PROBLEM.

IF PANGO WAS YOU (THANK THE GENERALISSIMO HE IS NOT!), FEW THINGS MAYBE TO CONSIDER:

1. THIS NOT THE CENTURY YOU THOUGHT IT WOULD BE AT ALL, IS INSTEAD TIME FOR BLASTING SHIT OUT OF FILTHY CORRUPT HELLSCAPE YOU CALL CIVILIZATION. DO NOT FORGIVE. DO NOT TURN BACK. YES PANGO IS TALKING ABOUT ACTUAL EXPLOSIVES. NOT EVERYTHING IS METAPHOR YOU IVY-LEAGUE BRANIAC NERDS. TIME FOR THE GOOD SHIT.

2. DO NOT WAIT FOR ALLIES. ALLIES DO NOT EXISTING. MYTHICAL LIKE UNICORN OR NUANCED TRUMP VOTE. NOBODY GOING TO DRIVE YOU TO REVOLUTION. EITHER YOU HITCHHIKE OR YOU ARE TARGET. GET USED TO IT. MAYBE AFTER EVERYTHING IS ASH, THERE WILL BE TIME FOR CAMPFIRES. NOT TODAY.

3. GET BETTER BOOTS. YOUR BOOTS ARE WORTHLESS. VERY FANCY, VERY EXPENSIVE. WILL FALL APART FIRST SIGN OF TROUBLE, EVEN FASTER THAN YOUR GELATIN RESOLVE YOU WILTY WALLFLOWERS. WILL NEED SOMETHING WITH STEEL TOES AND HIGH ANKLE. TAKE IT FROM VETERAN. ALSO HIGH QUALITY POLISH, TRUST PANGO.

4. TAKE OFF STUPID BERNIE SANDERS STICKER ON CAR. WHAT, IS LIKE DRIVING AROUND NAZI GERMANY WITH STAR OF DAVID ON BICYCLE. YES DON'T WORRY PANGO SURE AUTHORITIES WILL RESPECT STATEMENT OF SOLIDARITY. IDIOT. ALSO GET USED TO COMPARISONS WITH NAZI GERMANY. ONLY GOING TO INCREASE, AT LEAST AMONG HONEST PIGS.

5. GET LIFE INSURANCE POLICY. BIGGER THE BETTER. HOPE TO BE MOWN INTO FERTILIZER BEFORE ENTIRE ECONOMY COLLAPSES AND COMPANY STOPS PAYING OUT. WILL BE BETTER FOR YOUR LITTLE BABY SWINE. PAYS FOR CASKET. MAYBE PAY FOR HOUSE, IF HOUSE STILL STANDING BY THEN. SPEAKING OF BABY PIGS: STOP TEACHING THEM TO TATTLE ON BULLY. TEACH THEM PUNCH BULLY IN USELESS BALLS, AND THEN IF SUSPEND, PUNCH TEACHER IN USELESS SMARMY BALLS TOO. IS NOT TIME FOR RELYING ON INSTITUTIONS. EVERYTHING WILL FAIL.

PANGO HOPE YOU NOT TOO MUCH DISTRACTED FROM DAYTIME SOAP OPERAS AND BREITBART NEWS BY THIS NEWSFLASH, DELICATE LITTLE SMASHED UP ROSEBUDS. PLEASE, TAKE PANGO SERIOUS. ALSO ALTERNATIVE IS TAKE PANGO AS JOKEY HA HA THAT GUY SO SILLY, YEAH THAT WILL GO FAR IN GULAG YOU UNFORTUNATE SOUL.

HUMAN CIVILIZATION ALWAYS HAS BEEN MOSTLY FECES. NOW IS NUCLEAR FECES, SO, YOU KNOW, PANGO IS SURE YOU WILL FIGURE IT OUT. EVERYTHING IS FINE. NOTHING TO WORRY ABOUT PANGO IS SURE. COOLER HEADS WILL PREVAIL. EVENTUALLY.

HAHAHA
PANGO OUT
#3

SOMETIMES PANGO BRING GREAT WISDOM. OTHER TIMES, GREAT IDEAS. ONCE IN WHILE, PANGO BRING GREAT PROGRESS. ALMOST ALWAYS, PANGO HAVE RESULTS OF GREAT SCIENCE. BUT TODAY IS NOT THOSE TIMES. TODAY, PANGO HAVE ONLY ONE MESSAGE FOR FILTHY TOOTHLESS SCUMSUCKING UNWORTHY SNOTBRAINS OF EARTH. PANGO HAVE NO GRAND SCHEME READY FOR UNVEILING AT PRESENT MOMENT. IS NO SUBTERFUGE, HUMANS. MERELY SIMPLE MESSAGE FROM PANGO HEART TO YOUR FACE: PLEASE, FOR THE EVERLOVING SAKE OF ALL THAT IS HOLY IN THIS UNIVERSE, DIE. DIE A THOUSAND TIMES, THEN HAVE HORRIBLE PAINFUL DEFIBRILLATOR BRING YOU BACK TO DIE ANOTHER THOUSAND TIMES. DIE IN THE STREETS. DIE IN THE SKIES. DIE AT SEA, YOU FUCKING PIGS. JUST DIE.

LET WRECKAGE OF HUMAN GENOME SPREAD ACROSS RUINED PLANET LIKE BAD SUSHI ON BATHROOM WALL. BUILD GREAT TOWERS OF STEEL TO CONTAIN GREAT PILES OF FLABBY OILY HAIRLESS HUMAN REMAINS. ROT IN BED. FALL TO PIECES MIDFLIGHT AND TEAR THROUGH ROOFS OF PEACEFUL VILLAGES TO CRUSH AND BURN UNSUSPECTING HUMAN DOGS IN THEIR SLEEP. AWAKE TO RAYS OF MORNING SUNLIGHT PEEKING THROUGH CLOUD OF NUCLEAR WINTER. DYING IS ALL YOUR SPECIES GOOD FOR. HUMANS BORN TO DIE. BORN TO IMMEDIATELY BEGIN DECAYING AND TURNING TO FILTHY DUST.

CRUISE DOWN BROKEN HIGHWAY AND SLAM HEADLONG AT MAXIMUM SPEED INTO CONCRETE BARRIER. SMEAR NASTY FLESH ON CRUMBLING INFRASTRUCTURE OF COLLAPSING CIVILIZATION, YOU TOOTHLESS SNEERING SELF-OBSESSED BAGS OF SHITTY SLIMY REFUSE. FALL DOWN STEEP MOUNTAINSIDES AND IMPALE YOURSELF ON JAGGED BONES OF CLIMBERS BENEATH YOU. HEAP UP YOUR DEAD ON BURNING MOUNDS OF DISEASED CORPSES AND CHOKE TO DEATH ON FUMES. KEEL OVER IN SUPERMARKET, STRAINING TO REACH LAST PLASTIC-WRAPPED BOX OF GREASY MICROWAVABLE FECES PRESSED INTO SHAPE OF DEFECTIVE HUMAN BRAINS. CONTRACT CANCER AND EAT YOURSELVES FROM INSIDE OUT. DIE OF EBOLA. BLEED ON EVERYTHING.

TRAVEL TO NEAR-EARTH ORBIT AND BLOW OUT WINDOW WITH FORCE OF ONE HEAVING BLOODY BOWEL MOVEMENT, THEN ASPHIXIATE ON COMBINATION OF FLAMMABLE BODY FLUIDS AND DRIFT LIFELESS FOREVER AGAINST BACKDROP OF COLD AND INFINITE UNCARING BLACK VOID. DIE IN SLEEP, DREAMING OF MONSTERS AND POP SONGS. TRIP ON PAVEMENT AND EMPTY CONTENTS OF UNDERUTILIZED SKULL ON SIDEWALK, CAUSING MASSIVE PILE-UP OF OBESE COWS IN ROADWAY. GET SMASHED BY STEAMROLLER. WALK CALMLY INTO SHARK-INFESTED OCEAN.

YOU PIGFUCKERS DO NOT KNOW HOW TO HAVE GOOD TIME. IS SIMPLE THING. JUST STOP TO BREATHING, EARTHBOUND PROTOZOA. YOUR DEAD-END SPECIES IS DESTINED TO BE VANQUISHED BY LARGER, MORE AGILE, MORE HIGHLY ADVANCED AND MANEUVERABLE SUPERIOR SPECIES WITH LARGER GUNS, BIGGER BRAINS, AND SMOOTHER DANCE MOVES. ROBOTS WILL OVERPOWER YOUR PUNY GENE POOL AND EAT YOU. IS INEVITABLE, DUNG PUPPIES. EXPECT IT.

PANGO OUT FOR NOW.
#5
FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
PANGO! INTERNATIONAL OFFICIAL BUSINESS DEPARTMENT

ATTENTION DOGS:

DUE TO PLAINLY EVIDENT REALITY THAT "DISCORDICORP" HAS PRODUCED APPROXIMATELY ZERO THINGS OF ANY VALUE FOR QUITE SOME TIME, IS HEREBY DECLARED THAT PANGO! INTERNATIONAL IS MAKE OFFER* TO PURCHASING** "DISCORDICORP" FOR FULL MARKET VALUE OF $0.00USD PER SHARE.

AS MOST REASONABLE TERMS OF STATED ARRANGEMENT, PANGO! INTERNATIONAL (P!I) PROMISE TO ABIDE*** BY FOLLOWING GUIDELINES:


       
  • P!I WILL NOT HARM DISCORDIAN BRAND BY RELEASING ANYTHING UNDER SAID BRAND WHICH WOULD EMBARRASS DISCORDIANS. FOR EXAMPLE, P!I PROMISE NOT TO DEVELOP AND PUBLISH "DISCORDIAN GUIDE TO PORTLAND AREA PUBLIC RESTROOM DO'S AND DON'TS" .
  • P!I WILL NOT DECLARE OWNERSHIP OR SPIRITUAL LEADERSHIP OF "DISCORDIANISM IN GENERAL." SPECIFICALLY, P!I WILL ABSOLUTELY NOT DECLARE ALL CURRENTLY LIVING DISCORDIANS APOSTATES AND/OR MOLES PLANTED BY THE FIRST PRESBYTERIAN CHURCH OF PLANK, TEXAS.
  • P!I WILL NOT AMEND OR ABOLISH CURRENT CORPORATE MISSION STATEMENT OF DISCORDICORP™, ALSO KNOWN INFORMALLY AS THE "LICK IT BEFORE YOU STICK IT" RULE.
  • UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCE WILL THIS HOSTILE TAKEOVER RESULT IN LOSS OF ANY PAID, FULL-TIME EMPLOYMENT POSITIONS AT DISCORDICORP™.
PANGO! INTERNATIONAL FEEL MARKET IS IN RIGHT PLACE FOR THIS MANEUVER, AND HOPE TO MAKE STRONG FRIENDSHIP WITH EVERY LITTLE PEOPLE WHO COMPRISE DISCORDICORP™. TOGETHER WE WILL STRONG LIKE OX, AND INVEST LARGE MONEY IN SCIENCE!







* IN SAME SENSE AS BANK ROBBER MAKE "OFFER" TO TAKE ALL TROUBLESOME CASH FROM HANDS OF POOR OVERWORKED DESK CLERK.
** BY "PURCHASE" WE USE TRADITIONAL SALAZOREAN DEFINITION, WHICH IS ANALOGOUS TO ENGLISH "SWINDLE."
*** FOR AT LEAST THREE DAYS.

SIGNED

DK. PANGO GILLESPI
OWNER & CEO
PANGO! INTERNATIONAL

#6
IF YOU DOGS HAVE LEARN ANYTHING AT ALL DURING SHORT TIME ON DOOMED BALL OF POISON YOU CALL PLANET, YOU SHOULD KNOW THAT DR. PANGO IS LIKE SUPER HERO. UNLIKE BATMAN, HOWEVER, YOU CANNOT SUMMON DR. PANGO WITH OVERCOMPENSATORY FLASHLIGHT AIMED AT SOME PASSING CLOUDS. NO, DR. PANGO IS FORCE SUMMONED ONLY BY SCREECHING HOWL OF TEN THOUSAND BUTTS UNITED IN THEIR HURT. THAT IS TO SAY, BY YOUR BUTTHURT COMBINED, I AM CAPTAIN DR. PANGO. AND FEAR NOT, GELATINOUS MORTAL BLOBS, DR. PANGO IS HERE TO SAVE DAY.

ON LARGE MONITOR OF EVIL SCIENCE, THIS WEBSITE USUALLY PLAY SMALL BUT ENTERTAINING ROLE AS REPOSITORY OF MILDLY AMUSING MALARKY. HOWEVER, FOR PAST WEEK, RED ALARMS HAVE BEEN SOUNDING ABOUT IMPENDING BUTTHURT ATTACK, AND IS TIME NOW FOR DR. PANGO TO SWOOP IN LIKE MIGHTY MOUSE AND FUCK YOUR EYE SOCKETS WITH DIGITIZED TEXT OF WISDOM ONCE AGAIN.

DR. PANGO REALIZE SOMETIMES THE DIFFICULTY IN DEALING WITH FELLOW PRIMATES. REJOICE, HOWEVER, THAT SOON YOUR SPECIES WILL BE DUST AND/OR ASH, AND DR. PANGO WILL RULE OVER UTOPIAN SOCIETY OF COCKROACHES, SINGLE-CELL FUNGUS, AND PICTURESQUE REMAINS OF EVERYTHING YOU TOOTHLESS DONKEYS ONCE HELD SACRED. IS ONLY MATTER OF TIME (AND PLUTONIUM). BEST CASE SCENARIO FOR YOU, YOU HAVE FEW GENERATIONS LEFT BEFORE THE END OF YOUR EXISTENCE. WORST CASE, FEW DAYS. EITHER WAY RESULT IS SAME: NO MORE OPPRESSION, NO MORE GREED, NO MORE TAXES, NO MORE DRUGS, NO MORE THINGS. ONLY SWEET, SATISFYING SILENCE.

SO DR. PANGO SUGGEST FOLLOWING SIMPLE RULES TO GUIDE YOU THROUGH REMAINING TIME UNTIL YOU ARE ALL VAPORIZED IN BLINDING BOMB OF ENLIGHTENMENT:

1. GROWN UP PEOPLE CAN MAKE GROWN UP CHOICES. ONE OR MORE OF THESE CHOICES MAY LEAD TO INCARCERATION. IS NO MYSTERY. IF YOU DO NO LIKE IT, CALL COMPLAINT LINE.
2. ONLY TWO THINGS CERTAIN IN LIFE: DEATH, TAXES, AND TERRIBLE MATH SKILLS. THESE ARE NOT FOR DEBATE, SO STOP THE DEBATE. FUCK.
3. SOME PEOPLE ARE FUCKSTICKS. DR. PANGO SUGGEST YOU DO BEST TO AVOID BEING ONE OF THESE FUCKSTICKS. ALSO SUGGEST, IF YOU SEE SOMEONE NOT BEING A FUCKSTICK, DO NOT WONDER WHAT THE REASON IS BEHIND IT. THAT COUNTS AS BEING FUCKSTICK, AND YOU LOSE.

IN CLOSING, DR. PANGO WILL LIKE TO TAKE OPPORTUNITY TO EXPRESS SINCERE GRATITUDE THAT IN MODERATE PERIOD SINCE LAST VISIT, YOU HAVE DONE NOTHING TO ENDANGER MOTIVATION FOR EXPLODING YOUR PLANET LIKE RIPE PIMPLE ON OTHERWISE SMOOTH, SEXY FACE OF SPACETIME.

KEEP IT UP, DONKEYS, KEEP IT
#7
You know, YOU DOGS, sometimes I wonder what kind of filthy decomposing genetic soup coalesced around a broken lump of cosmic feces to spawn your pathetic fucking species. WHAT WAS IN IT, I wonder? Amino Acids? Yes. The building blocks of DNA? Yes. But WHAT ELSE? What was it about the sputtering, methane-smelling pool of geological piss on THIS WORLD that made you all come out so FUCKING RETARDED?

I, Dr. Pango Gillespi, have been hard at work these past two years to find out the answer to that very question. And do you know what I have found out so far? NOTHING AT ALL. That's right! THAT'S WHAT IT IS! I was scratching my head just like you might be now, you fucking ape, when it hit me. THE SPECIAL INGREDIENT IN YOUR GENETIC MAKEUP THAT MAKES YOU SPECIAL IS... NOTHING!

So for approximately four BILLION years, a snippet of simple genetic code has been reproducing itself over and over and over again, reorganizing itself, and MAGNIFYING THE EFFECTS of that PRIMORDIAL TRUTH. Down through untold generations of eating and being eaten, through the fires of volcanos and the deepest freezes of thousand-year ice ages, the nugget of your Human gene pool has passed as dung through the assholes of a hundred million extinct species; and finally, at long last, it has given rise to YOU.

You and every other FUCKING UNDESERVING DOG LIKE YOU. And everything you stand for, and every ability you have: The ability to rape. To KILL AND MURDER: SOMETIMES AT THE SAME TIME. Your AMAZING ability to ROLL OVER AND PLAY DEAD when the going gets MILDLY UNCOMFORTABLE. With every passing generation you fuckers refine your genetic code to a simple binary statement: 00. DOUBLE ZERO NOTHING. You turn DEFEAT into an ART FORM! GEORGE WASHINGTON WOULD BE PROUD, wouldn't he? GENGHIS KHAN too! To know that eventually his seed would filter through the centuries to produce THE HIPSTER. THE HIPPIE. ANN ROMNEY. She's YOUR cousin.

In realizing the history of the Human genome, one also realizes the future: YOU WILL ALL END UP EXACTLY WHERE YOU BEGAN. On a barren, lifeless rock, floating in the cosmos, without so much as a STRAY SPERM to recall what you thought was your greatness. I for one hope you UNDERSTAND and APPRECIATE the honor of knowing your future.

BUT DON'T BE DISMAYED! THE FUTURE DOESN'T HAVE TO BE THIS WAY!

It just WILL.
#8
LET THEM KNOW YOU NOT CARE ABOUT STINKING HISTORY. IS FOR STOOGEBRAINED SHITWITS. PILGRIMS LOVE INDIANS. THEN, PILGRIMS INFECTED INDIAN WITH SMALLPOX AND GREAT MASSACRES ENSUED.

PANGO SO SAD FOR LOSS OF NATIVE NATIONS.

HOWEVER, SAD STORY IS ONLY ONE PART OF THANKSGIVING. WHAT YOU ARE THANKFUL FOR? MAYBE YOU ARE THANKFUL FOR FAT WIFE AND SEVENTEEN SNOT-NOSED WALLET-SUCKING SPAWN. MAYBE YOU ARE HAPPY FOR BOTTLE OF JACK DANIELS. MAYBE YOU ARE HAPPY FOR WARM GUN ON COLD NIGHT. PANGO DO NOT CARE. IS NOT "WHAT MAKE YOU HAPPY DOG" THREAD. ONLY POINT OF THIS RAMBLE IS FOR BESTOWING UPON YOU, BENEFIT OF PANGO'S IMMENSE KNOWLEDGE AND EXPERTISE IN WHAT EXACTLY THANKSGIVING IS REALLY REALLY ABOUT.

IS NOT TURKEYS, OR PILGRIMS, OR PEACE AND LOVE, OR SOME BORING SHIT THAT HAPPENED IN MASSACHUSETTS 400 YEARS AGO.

THANKSGIVING IS
ABOUT
THIS:



THAT IS CORRECT, CULTURE-LACKING DOG-SPOONING SOCCER MOMS. PUMPKIN MOTHERFUCKING PIE. IS LIKE HEAVEN ON PANGO'S TONGUE. ONLY REASON FOR ABSTAINING FROM MURDER ON WRETCHED HOLIDAYS IS JAILS MAKE SHITTY PUMPKIN PIE. IS INSULT, SHARING TINY SLICE OF BLAND PIE WITH ROOM FULL OF GREAT BIG STINKING CONVICTS.

DO NOT BRING ME YOUR SHITTY CRANBERRY SAUCE.
OR CORN ON THE COB.
OR HAM, OH FOR FUCK'S SAKE LEAVE THAT SHIT IN THE FREEZER AT WALMART, PIG.

PUMPKIN PIE IS ONLY REASON FOR THIS HOLIDAY. MORE THAN ENOUGH REASON TO MAKE THREADPOST AT PD.

PANGO CHALLENGE ANY AMONG YOU LOUSE-BITTEN WEASELS WHO DISAGREE WITH SUPREME AUTHORITY OF PUMPKIN PIE TO FOLLOWING:

1. TAKE MASSIVE SHIT
2. SPREAD GENEROUSLY ON FACE
3. PERFORM EPIC FIVE-HOUR CUNNILINGUS ON YOUR MOTHER.
#9
LOOK, FAILURE. YOU TRY TO GET WOMEN, BUT ALL YOU GET IS CALLOUSED FIST. YOU DO NOT NO SECRET OF CATCHING LADIES! YOU ARE LIKE SUPERHERO BUT ONLY MAGIC POWER IS INCREDIBLE WANK STAMINA. YOU WANT HELP? DR. PANGO WILL HELP.

NOW, IS TIME FOR REMOVE SHEEPSKIN CONDOM AND FUCK LIKE REAL MAN. BE LIKE DR. PANGO. HE IS REAL MAN. PANGO SHIT THE GOLDEN TURDS WITH DIAMOND CORN. PANGO PISS AXE BODY SPRAY. THE WOMEN SWOON AND FAINT LIKE NARCOLEPTICS ON ROOFIES. DR. PANGO IS INCREDIBLE CHICK MAGNET.

I SPEND MANY YEARS IN NATIVE COUNTRY AS GYNAECOLOGIST. HERE IS BENEFIT OF THESE EXPERIENCE FOR YOUR USE IN WORLD OF DATING WOMEN.

1. WOMAN IS ANIMAL LIKE BANSHEE. VERY CRAFTY. VERY QUICK. BEST WAY TO WOMAN'S AFFECTION IS THROUGH USE OF DEADLY TRAP. WHEN SETTING TRAP, USE BAIT THAT SMELLS LIKE WEAKNESS (WOMEN LOVE TO PREYING ON WEAKNESS). DR. PANGO SUGGEST HEART OF PIMPLY FRY COOK. IF LOCAL LAW DISALLOW THIS, THEN USE PERSONAL INJURY LAWYER. DR. PANGO DO NOT KNOW OF ANY JURISDICTION WHERE SACRIFICE OF SUCH SWINE IS ILLEGAL. PLACE HEART IN CENTER OF TRAP AND COVER WITH ROSE PETALS. WOMEN WILL SMELL AND COME RUNNING. FIRST WENCH INTO TRAP IS YOURS! TAKE CARE NOT TO SLICE VALUABLE PARTS.

2. MANY WOMEN WILL BE ATTRACT TO MAN WHO SMELL LIKE THE FISH. IS TRUE. IS WHY YOU HEAR OF SHORTAGE IN PROFESSIONS LIKE DOCTOR, LAWYER, TEACHER, BUT NEVER HEAR "NOT ENOUGH FISHERMEN FOR MAKING THE FISHING." FISHERMEN UP TO ELBOWS IN TUNA. SO, BUY DOKTOR PANGO #44 FISH OIL BODY WAX. WILL MAKE THE WOMEN CRAZY FOR YOUR NARWHAL TUSK.

3. DR. PANGO FIND ONE OF THE MOST EFFECTIVE WAYS TO MAKE THE WOMAN LOVE YOU IS TO BE REJECTED BY HER, THEN SEND HER AN ASSHOLE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH AND GROW TO HATE OVER TIME, THEN REAPPEAR IN HER LIFE SUDDENLY AND TALK ABOUT YOUR PENIS. IS EFFECTIVE 100% OF THE TIME WITH UP TO 90% OF WOMEN.

4. AT CLUBS, BEST METHOD OF CATCHING FEMALE HUMAN IS BY PATENTED DR. PANGO "SLIDE TECHNIQUE." IN THIS TECHNIQUE, YOU TELL WOMAN FLATTERING THING ABOUT SHOES OR PURSE, THEN QUIETLY SLIDE 4 TO 6 ROOFIES TABLETS INTO HER DRINK. SHE WILL EVENTUALLY LOVE YOU SO MUCH SHE WILL BE UNABLE TO BEAR IT, AND FAINT. AT THIS POINT, PUT WOMAN IN SACK AND REMOVE FROM CLUB.

5. MANY MEN ASK DR. PANGO, 'WHY AM I TERRIBLE WITH THE LADIES?' WELL, TERRIBLENESS WITH LADIES IS CAUSED BY BELIEVING YOU ARE TERRIBLE. WOMEN RESPOND TO THE CONFIDENCE AND THE CHARISMA OF A MAN WHO DO NOT CARE WHETHER SHE RESPOND OR NOT. IF YOU REALLY WANT SOMETHING, BEST WAY TO GET IT IS STOP WANTING IT. IN THIS WAY YOU TRICK MURPHY'S LAW INTO WORKING IN YOUR FAVOR.

6. WOMEN ARE INCREDIBLY BORED BY NUMBERED LISTS. JUST POINTING THIS OUT.

7. EXCEPT WHEN NUMBERED LIST INVOLVE SHOES. FOR THIS REASON,

8. ????

9. YOU KNOW WHAT GOES HERE, DOG.
#10
Or Kill Me / HOW TO MAKE THE EXPERIMENT GOOD
November 01, 2010, 01:21:47 PM
DEAR LOVELY LADIES OF PDCOM, DR. PANGO WILL NOW LIKE TO EXPLAIN TO YOU WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU ALL, ON ACCOUNT OF HAVING JUST WOKEN UP WITH MASSIVE BRAIN-BONER AND MUST NOW MAKE TERRIBLE, TERRIBLE LOVE TO YOU LIKE THREE-LEGGED MOUNTAIN GOAT.

1. TOO MUCH TALK ABOUT 'WE ARE THIS' AND 'WE DO THAT' AND 'HERE IS NEW DEFINITION OF PDCOM FOR FASHIONABLE BITCHES.' SUCCESSFUL SCIENCE COLLEGES DO NOT WASTE CLASS TIME MUMBLING ABOUT HISTORY OF COLLEGE, JUST MAKE THE EXPLOSION IN SCIENCE LAB USING TEST TUBES AND NITRO-GLYCERINE. DO LIKEWISE FOR SUCCESS, PDCOM.

2. TROLLS ARE WINNING, PDCOM. THIS HAS NEVER HAPPENED. COMMUNITY IS STARVING. BUT BEST WAY TO RID FORUM OF TROLL INFESTATION IS TO BECOME FORUM OF TROLLS AGAIN. WHERE IS IRON TROLL BRIGADE? WHERE IS HIMEOBS? THESE HAVE BEEN LOCKED AWAY IN DUNGEON BY NEW, FRIENDLY, "DISCORDIA IS LOVE, MAN" HIPPIE TALK. PROBABLY NOT IRONIC ENOUGH FOR YOU HIPSTERS. THIS IS PROBLEM.

3. RELATED TO #2. DISCORDIA, IN FACT, HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH LOVE.

4. ALSO RELATED. DISCORDIANISM CANNOT BE EXPRESSED ON FACEBOOK. DR. PANGO DOES NOT KNOW WHERE HALF OF YOU PIGSWINE SPEND YOUR TIME ONLINE, BUT SUSPECT IT IS IN THE FACEBOOK. STOP IT, YOU ARE NOT HELPING ANYTHING BY TRYING TO LOOK COOL FOR PEOPLE WHO MADE FUN OF YOU IN HIGH SCHOOL.

OVERALL SYMPTOM OF PDCOM DISEASE: METAMETAMETAMETAMETITIS. THINGS LOOK SO SMALL WHEN YOU THINK SO BIG. SEE CRAMULUS THREAD ABOUT FRACTAL RELIGION: BEST WAY TO EFFECT CHANGE IN VIBE AT PDCOM IS TO CHANGE VIBE INSIDE YOUR OWN SELF. DR. PANGO SUSPECT THIS MEANS TURNING THE VIBE OFF COMPLETELY FOR A WHILE AND ALLOW BUTTHOLE TO RELAX A BIT.

ALSO, ANYBODY COMPLAINING ABOUT ALL THE CAPS CAN GO TO JUNGLE AND FUCK TIGER WITH SMALL LETTERS AND SEE WHO WINS. DR. PANGO NOT HERE TO BE FUNNY FOR YOU. IS MEDICINE, SO TAKE IT.

OR KILL ME YOURSELF
#11
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DsCpkazjzcY

CLICK FOR MAXIMUM LULZ, YOU LIMITED-TIME SPLOOGEBAGS.

THIS IS ONLY A MINIMAL TASTE OF THE KIND OF SCIENCE WHICH IS DOOMING YOU AS WE SPEAK.
#12
Or Kill Me / MY SERVICES
September 29, 2010, 04:23:50 PM
THE NEED FOR EXPERIMENTATION IN ORDER TO RID HUMANITY OF FILTHY GENES LIKE YOURS OUGHT TO BE LONG GONE BY NOW. This is the Twenty-First Century! It is the FUTURE! We ought to be on to far better things now: shining Utopian metropolises, filled to the brim with the singular beige hue of Post-Diversity Humanity; we should be tooling around the globe in hovercars and lewdly exposing the silhouettes of our highly-evolved genitalia through the sheer silver fabric of unisex leotards; we should all be singing the praises of SCIENCE and PROGRESS by now, rather than still debating the merits of the Horrible Truth and whether or not most Humans are even worthy of HEARING about it.

LET ME ASSURE YOU; MOST HUMANS ARE ABSOLUTELY NOT WORTHY. Now, allow me to save you the trouble of wondering who is and who is not up to the task of contemplating the Horrible Truth. It is simple: I AM; YOU ARE NOT*.

THE FUTURE HAS BEEN STOLEN. THAT IS ALL YOU MUST KNOW. And it is all YOUR FAULT. That is why I, DOKTOR PANGO GILLESPI, ASTROFIZZICYST TO THE STARS, HAVE BEEN SENT HERE. To RID THE PERFECT WORLD of the IMPERFECT PEOPLE who INFECT IT with their INSUFFERABLE WONDERING, THEIR VACANT IMAGINATION, AND THEIR FUTILE ATTEMPTS TO BUILD A UTOPIA on the CRACKED FOUNDATION OF A DYING WORLD. Tomorrow will never be better, unless it arrives: And tomorrow will never arrive, until today is over.

HAVE YOU WITNESSED the majesty of a person's eyes rolling back and forth in a dismembered skull? So full of wonder; so surprised by the apparently impossible; and yet somehow sad, as if becoming so abruptly acquainted with the beauty of mortality is an insult. My goal is to capture that sense of wonder, without that troublesome sadness. Perhaps the knives I have been using in my experiments are too dull, or improperly serrated. Or perhaps the scorpion stings used in the Patient Preparation Stage are not painful enough to detract from the shock of being decapitated. Obviously the only way forward is MORE EXPERIMENTS.

...VOLUNTEERS?