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That sounds awful.  Sorry to hear it.

My mother passed away last March, and my dad hauled himself to a grief group, and it did wonders.  Might help, don't know.

I've thought about therapy but lol no access. Haven't thought of like a support group or anything, but I'll take a look for something local. Appreciate the shout.

So, I gotta ask, are you still involved in the astronomy thing?

Well, not in any official capacity, but I'm generally curious so I keep up on it casually.

I think the thing that stings the most is this: I got my degree in PHL (real philosophy, not that French shit) and I was really good at it to a point where, as an undergrad, they let me teach the entry level classical logic course. I was so effective as an educator, I raised the average GPA of the class by 25 points (and it promptly dropped 25 points when I left). I really loved both learning and teaching PHL. It's the only thing that I've done that motivated me to be up at 4am and work 12 hours for years on end without hating it. But, despite my proficiency (graduated with a 3.85, and only because I chose to not drive myself crazy chasing a 4.0), I was essentially abandoned by the university and my family and was not nearly financially able to continue my education to a point where I could teach professionally. Not being able to do the one useful thing that I'm good at is definitely a foundational part of the ongoing issue.

It's not the only thing to be sure. Just to give you an example of the spiteful shit life has been doing to me: At one of my lowest points, I was reintroduced to the woman who I would end up marrying. At that moment, I though for sure that things were finally going to turn around. Less than two weeks after we got married, her father died. Cancer killed him out of nowhere; he was otherwise perfectly healthy. They were really close. Because of this, the current entire duration of our marriage has been nothing but grief. I kinda even feel like I caused this somehow, like my bad luck just spilled over into this poor girl's life. I know that's not what happened, but sometimes it really feels like I'm just cursed somehow.

Apologies again for puking all this up here. 

oh fuck, this place again??

Yeah, well, this place only gets traffic when we have GOP in office.

And now they have all of the offices.

They correlate for sure. But I was making my way back regardless, though the reason might be misguided. I've been profoundly depressed for over a decade. Every good thing that has happened was immediately followed by a terrible event that knocked me back further down than I started. And the relentless nature of my condition has left me so tired and unmotivated to a point where... Well, it's bad. I started writing a document that outlined everything, but it was just long and depressing. But yeah, that's the short of it.

The specific reason I came back here though, is because I sort of pinpointed "where it all started" (a meaningless measure). To approximate, it began right around the time I was working on the BIP 2013. I've been so hopeless and desperate to find a way out of this, and I just thought that if I came back to "where it all started," I'd be able to find some answers or reasons or something to inform my actions going forward. But realistically, I think I'm probably just screwed forever.

Anyhow, sorry to overshare. I just figured, at the very least, writing something down might help. Idfk. Or kill me.

Sound off nerds, who's not dead yet?

Was dead. Not anymore I think.

So, not exactly a movie, but I've been really getting into a show called From on mgm. It's a puzzle-box kind of show with a lot of mystery and mind-fuckery that encourages active watching and gives you lots of puzzle pieces to try to link up. Really enjoying it so far, but only time will tell if there's gonna be a real payoff in the end.

I don't listen to music anymore because I'm possibly a sociopath, but here's some stuff me and the bois made over the past two decades. Excuse the shameless self-promotion and poor recording quality. https://theparaplegics2001.bandcamp.com/

I can't listen to that at work.

Does it have the remixed sound of you being propelled through a ceiling panel?

Nobody throws me through the ceiling anymore because of woke

Furiosa was merely a good film as opposed to one of my favourite films of all time, but I enjoyed the slower paced story, and the world and characters, the only thing with it is that the lore, and broken world disorientation are lessened by revisiting the story.

If you saw it roger be interested in what you thought because I remember you liked the last one

Fury Road is probably my favorite movie of all time, and Furiosa definitely delivered some of what made its predecessor so great. Although, I think the way they demystified and focused on the "Lore" and world building worked against everything the Mad Max franchise had going for it. Modern fiction has this really unhealthy fixation on "Lore" and I think it's kinda fucking everything up. not every throwaway line needs to be elaborated on. "Lore" is not narrative, it's a part of setting and there to provide context, not to be excessively and repeatedly zoomed-in on.

I don't listen to music anymore because I'm possibly a sociopath, but here's some stuff me and the bois made over the past two decades. Excuse the shameless self-promotion and poor recording quality. https://theparaplegics2001.bandcamp.com/

Eulogy? Heck nah. We're gonna dress this forum up in its best party clothes, pop a cigar in its mouth, and puppeteer it's corpse around for some "Weekend at Bernie's" style adventures. It's what it would have wanted.

I have some things I'd like to express, but it'll have to wait for when I have a bit more time to type a wall of text. In the meantime, are we gonna, like, turn this place into an air b and b or..?

oh fuck, this place again??

It's like a recurring fever dream

YOU'RE FUCKED FOREVER!

Ha ha, too late

[Convince myself that people can't possibly be as stupid as I've been assuming,]

Been a hermit for like 6 years. Convince myself that people can't possibly be as stupid as I've been assuming, so I finally start planning to leave the house. Election happens. Back into my cave.

Problem spotted. 

That's what I get for feeling optimistic for just one second

Optimism is a disease.

Unfortunately, so is dread

That's just the back of your mind updating the front of your mind.

I'm always running the latest version, and it updates daily. Never any cool new features, just dread, horror, and ads.

[Convince myself that people can't possibly be as stupid as I've been assuming,]

Been a hermit for like 6 years. Convince myself that people can't possibly be as stupid as I've been assuming, so I finally start planning to leave the house. Election happens. Back into my cave.

Problem spotted. 

That's what I get for feeling optimistic for just one second

Optimism is a disease.

Unfortunately, so is dread

[Convince myself that people can't possibly be as stupid as I've been assuming,]

Been a hermit for like 6 years. Convince myself that people can't possibly be as stupid as I've been assuming, so I finally start planning to leave the house. Election happens. Back into my cave.

Problem spotted. 

That's what I get for feeling optimistic for just one second