Topics

Edited to clarify intent:


I admire everything about this board, and appreciate everything it represents and everyone who has managed to become a part of it. You are all outstanding individuals. But after more than four years of trying, it is clear that there is a permanent disconnect between me and this board. I have always been here as a spectator, not a participant. I wish you all good luck and happy adventures in whatever you choose to do.

LOOK MOTHERFUCKER, I'm sorry you failed Kindergarten and they stuck you behind that big fancy fucking desk to punish you for being a moron. I'm also sorry you don't know how a FUCKING PRINTER WORKS. I've been here 6 times to make it print from the right tray and I get it working EVERY SINGLE TIME, then, 15 minutes later, you call back with WOOF WOOF! PRINTER NO WORKING!

So... here's my advice: shut the fuck up. And don't point your blow-hole at me, you fucking porpoise. Just jump through a hoop and eat some more tuna, you fuck. AND STOP PUSHING THE GOD DAMN WRONG FUCKING BUTTONS. If it says SETTINGS, PROPERTIES, OPTIONS, or for the love of Christ, ADVANCED... THEN CLICK AWAY, CLICK AWAY FAST because those words in your vocabulary are synonymous with BRAIN SURGERY, ROCKET SCIENCE, and COUNTING CALORIES: i.e., you don't fucking get it so leave it the fuck alone.

I am by no means a master of the universe, even in my own field of expertise. There's plenty of shit I already don't know, and I don't need you to add "how to dispose of the body" to that list. So please, I'm asking nicely, STOP FUCKING WITH THE SYSTEM. You are a USER of the system, not an ADMINISTRATOR. For fuck's sake. Just because you KNOW HOW TO LOG IN as the Administrator doesn't mean you SHOULD.

And while I'm at it, how about USE THE FUCKING CORRECT RESOLUTION ON YOUR MONITOR. I'm fucking tired of only being able to see 25% of the fucking screen because you're too god damn lazy to buy some glasses. Fuzzy text, ENORMOUS BUTTONS, stupid rotating background images. By the way, 99% of the time, "OH GOD MY COMPUTER IS SLOW," is TARDSPEAK for "HERPDERP I INSTALLED SOME BULLSHIT THAT I SHOULDN'T HAVE."

And.... fuck Windows, too.

but, as you can tell from the following pictures, he is also an Accidental Discordian.







this is what happens when you cross a horrible childhood with the false sense of security offered by myopic religious beliefs, and throw in a dash of "oh god i never actually lived, did i?"

THE RUMOR IS ...

I may be gracing THE RAND CANYON STATE with my PHYSICAL PRESENCE from THE BABY JESUS BIRTHDAY BASH until the SECOND DAY OF THE NEXT TERRIBLE, TERRIBLE DECADE.

I may also have the means to travel from my base of operations near Prescott to VIRTUALLY ANYWHERE, including Tucson. Although nobody in their right mind would visit that dump on purpose.

I'M NOT INVITING MYSELF TO YOUR HOUSE. I'M JUST SAYING.... lock your windows, lock your doors, hide your kids, hide your husband... etc.

bullshit rants for the political season. like a flier in internet format. mostly democratic, but whatever.

http://thinkbeforeyouvote.us

i still need rants for IMMIGRATION and DEFENSE, mainly because i haven't decided what i think about those subjects yet.

So... I wrote this song for my band (download/listen for full effect). I'm at a loss for lyrics, though (I suck at that part). I decided to take suggestions. My drummer said he'd come up with something, so I'm like "Yeah, sure dude whatever. Make it a love song or something like that."

Background on my drummer: he's a Vietnam veteran; he's had his shoulder replaced, and he spent the last 18 months battling some kind of hepatitis. He's also a biker, and he has no qualms about discussing his bowel functions.

Anyway, today he presents me with the lyrics. And, I quote:

Woman with a 4' clit

There's a mist hanging over the ocean
There's a mist hanging under a tree
There's a gal that I know in the valley
With a clit hanging down to her knee



Chorus- Pour me an ocean of whiskey
              I'll swim there lord till I drowned
              Just show me a chick with a 4 ft clit
              And I'll follow her trail on the ground


She broke the high jumpin record
I've never seen one jump any higher
It happened when we was out camping
And she stood too close to the fire

Chorus


Well she's dead but not forgotten
The pain it cuts like a sword
It happened when we went sky diving
And she reached up and pulled the wrong cord

Chorus twice

HEY DOK i have to ask you something

I've always been a terrible liar. Partly because when I was a kid I fucked up and believed it when I was told lying is bad and people shouldn't do it. I say I fucked up because, apparently, people THRIVE on bullshit and lies. It seems everyone is always plotting about what to say to somebody, which is either a lie, or includes an intentional omission of relevant truth. Everyone is in the business of making themselves look good all the time at any expense, and the only account anybody really has to withdraw from here is the Heisenberg Uncertainty Principle - that is, banking on the fact that it will be impossible or too much hassle for other people to figure out they're being lied to, especially when all those people have their own webs of lies to maintain.

This kind of behavior, although I've tried (and failed) to engage in it myself, really really annoys my pants off. Honesty isn't just some high-minded morality thing, it's way the fuck simpler than making up lies all the time to make yourself look good. This, however, is lost on most people. They just don't understand that it's easier to be in control of a situation when you're not tied down by all the lines of bullshit you've tossed out there. And I've found that in everyday life, some of the most hilarious events is when somebody reaches the end of that line and their entire web of bullshit falls apart and everybody ends up hating them.

But people do it anyway, whenever they get a chance to. Everything from trying to cover up something they overlooked at work to who they were with Saturday night to fibbing about what is or isn't included in epic legislation that directly affects tens of millions of people. In all of these arenas, it is the Discordian within me that is dying to pull a string and have everything fall apart for these people, just for the lulz. Not because of a moral objection to lying, but because for some ethereal, supernatural reason, seeing people hang themselves on the lies they've told invokes pure laughter in my soul. That is the "chaos" I think Discordianism represents: the complete destruction of harmful bullshit, just so people can breathe a little easier, even if it's only to catch their breath before building their next web of deceit.

I don't know if I really have a direction with this.

Teabaggers are idiots. They say stupid shit, they believe stupid shit, they are xenophobic and backward and ignorant and all that.

BUT

Maybe they have a point about some things?

A - the government is hopelessly bloated and wasteful.
B - the tax code is fucked.
C - nobody in DC knows or cares to know anything about real people.
D - black people shouldn't be president. (lol jk).

These points are something that I actually agree with. I think the Tea Party's approach to solving them is terrible, and I'd never join up with them because it would feel like joining the Klan, but while their solutions are bad, the problems they're trying to solve are real.

Of course in our dualistic political culture in the US, the antidote to "Mutant Republican" is either "Thoughtful Democrat" or "Mutant Democrat." That's too bad, because Democrats are idiots too. The "There's a SOCIAL PROGRAM for that!" solution is almost as terrible, in the long run, as the "AW JUST LET THE MARKET HANDLE IT" solution.

- When people are provided for, they tend to forget how to provide for themselves. (How many of us know how to properly slaughter, quarter, and dress a game animal if we had to, or keep the meat from rotting long enough to eat it, without modern conveniences?)

- If people cannot provide for themselves, then they have no choice but loyalty to whoever is providing for them, and will maintain that loyalty at any cost so long as those provisions keep coming. And, of course, any thought of cutting off those provisions is immediately met with anger; anyone who suggests maybe people are a little too dependent on the system is disregarded as intellectually alien or perverse.

I'm not saying Progressivism is bad (or that the raging xenophobia of the Teabaggers is good), but maybe we should consider this stuff when we think about the fight between "liberal" and "conservative."

http://www.revisionism.nl/Moon/The-Mad-Revisionist.htm

How do you Halloween?
What are your plans?
How can we replace eggs with little golden apples as the cultural icon of choice for this holiday?

Apparently he has moved to Wisconsin under the Witness Protection Program:

As you stand there all bouncy and fidgety in front of me checking out at the convenience store, twitching and gnawing on the frayed ends of your blitzed out 1992-model haircut, what I really want to do is grab you by the saggy neck skin, pull you outside, and dump a bucket of pig vomit right on your sunken skeletal face. It's 2010, the Post-American Century; the world is cracking and falling apart, and seeing people like you just kinda buzz through life defining yourselves (more than you realize) by your addictions and lack of self-control just remind me of how thoroughly fucked we all are. Power has always rested with the People; and now the People are completely devoid of all ambition and drive.

If it was just one or two of you fuckers every day, I would chalk it up to the "down and out" among us. People who just for whatever reason never quite became much of anything. But it isn't just one or two a day. It's one or two in ten -- and climbing. Your disease is not only one of addiction, and it is not just a singular occurrence that strikes a few people here and there. It is a growing, thriving, contagious disease of the will. A spreading epidemic not only of a failure to achieve, but a lack of desire to achieve. And every time I see one of you shriveled-up zombies come slithering around a corner, it send chills down my spine because I know that someday, whether it's because of a drug or just plain old hopelessness, we'll all share your fate.

"Life" for you is the shit you deal with between hits. "Normality" is being anywhere but here, anyone but yourself. And that's what we're all being driven toward: lifestyles we can't afford paid for by credit we don't deserve; lives spent behind bars, or behind desks - equally as inescapable (of course, a jail sentence ends, usually). I find myself repulsed by your appearance - not only because you are a walking corpse with no sense at all of reality, but because you are the physical embodiment of what we all are becoming on the inside: dried up, powerless, addicted, and unable to communicate despite a constant stream of ineffective and meaningless babbling. Before you know it, you'll fit right in.

So, Meth Zombie, take heart. You are shunned, but you are America™.

I see M. Night Shamalan has made another movie, called Devil. I expect it to continue the long tradition of shitty movies whose trailers try to fool people into thinking they will be good. That is not really up for debate, since his track record proves it. This thread, instead, is to make up premises for terrible movies that he will probably make in the future, since the assholes in Hollywood seem bent on giving him movie deals because the entertainment industry needs more suck and fail.

I predict he will make a movie called The Shoemaker, which will be about an old-fashioned shoe maker who makes shoes. In his shop, there is a set of green shoelaces that come to life when the moon is full, and strangle children. The shoemaker is framed of course, until a fat detective who is down on his luck and addicted to alcohol and/or pain meds cracks the case after talking to a traveling Gypsy at a carnival. They eventually capture the shoelaces, and everybody goes home, and the second half of the movie is about what everybody has for dinner.

Good idea? Bad idea? Terrible idea?

Do you think that popular culture evolving to form a more disposable, short-sighted, self-interested society should alter the way Discordians think of themselves?

Does "sticking apart" have two words, or only "apart?"

If society is defined by the way everyone is increasingly isolated from one another, should Discordians continue to isolate themselves too, with the idea that this is somehow different just because it was different 50 years ago?

If the function of Discordianism is, ultimately, to put a check on the public's pervasive acceptance of the Status Quo, are we doing our jobs by allowing ourselves to become typical of the Status Quo mentality?

What about organizing do we fear? Are we afraid that we will become stuck in dogma and meaningless ritual? Are we afraid of owing our allegience to something greater than ourselves? Or is it simply too much work to create a cohesive community that can be depended upon?

The Principia Discordia is still entertaining; but is it still true? It exposes a lot about the way the Human mind works, but its solution is to chop the attention span into tiny pieces barely able to form a coherent thought before being broadsided by a different idea. Do you think that the way modern pop culture does the exact same thing is immunizing people to the effect of traditional Discordian thinking? If so, how do we adapt?

Should we adapt? Or should we be just another minor subculture, eventually commoditized, pasteurized, and consumed? Is Discordia unnecessary in a world filled with so much chaos and uncertainty?

do amateurs have to invent EVERYTHING for these people? ffs.

so, the problem is that the gov't pumpt billions and billions of dollars into the banking industry to get them to lend money, which they are not doing because they have their own problems so they're just stashing it. OMGWTFBBQ how can this be stopped?

Why does nobody think outside the box? The answer is simple.

Invent sunset currency. IE promissory notes with an expiration date. Give that to banks, and see how long they keep it stashed away.

</disconomics 101>

Humans may be degenerates by and large, but that is really no reason to think we have no potential. Arguably, our faults are mitigated to a greater extent with each passing iteration of social structure. Some people believe this is because people are slowly becoming "more aware" or that we are on a path to "Enlightenment." I think this is bunk - people from an "advanced" society will quickly revert to less sophisticated behavior when the situation allows it. The "road to Enlightenment" kind of thinking would also mean that people in advanced civilizations are an evolutionary step ahead of those in more "primitive" societies, apparently since people throughout the developing world don't carry iPads and talk about stock prices all day. Should we think that a lack of modern sophistication, and the spare time to devote brain cycles to frivolous crap like macroeconomics, means a person is automatically lagging, in evolutionary terms? No, they are just at a developmental disadvantage (from our perspective) and they don't share most of our frames of reference about what is important in life.

So it is not the human animal that is evolving to any noticeable degree, but our adeptness at organizing ourselves, communicating, forming governments, and making toys. Every bit of what we think of as sophistication and advancement in technological, social, and other fields is entirely dependent upon the type of State we form for ourselves, and every type of State will produce different results. A fascist State will induce a certain set of qualities in its people; a Capitalist state another set; a Banana republic yet another, and so on. The government of your country may not directly program you to believe certain things or behave in certain ways but it will arrange your society in ways that make you adapt your behaviors to best fit that society. The theory of what constitutes a "good" government therefore must go beyond mathematical considerations like how big it should be or what the representation rate should be (if it is a democracy); it must also consider what its effects will be on society just by virtue of its existence. And it must be concerned with more than just procedures and methods for how its edicts will be implemented; it also needs to consider what the nation's personality is (or what it should be), and articulate that in broad but meaningful ways.

So what kind of country is the best? That is for the People to decide. And you will find that this is one area where Humans are not terrible. When dreaming about the future or about the way things should be, Humanity has an incredible ability to put aside differences, forget transgressions, give others the benefit of the doubt, and cooperate. This, of course, is where many governments begin to make the mistake of assuming the best about people, even when there is no good reason to do so. But it is also the source of a lot of hope and potential for the Human Condition to improve. When a nation defines itself with a constitution, that definition stands as a marker for future generations to look back at and remember just what it is they are supposed to be working for - what their collective, daily grunting about in the trenches of everyday life is supposed to amount to. A nation's identity should be not just a set of operating instructions for the national machine, but a map of where and why it exists in the first place. Otherwise, it is only a game at best, and the People will only play it so long as they are rewarded for playing or punished for not playing - but they will not become emotionally invested in the game's outcome.

The formation of a government is the time to map out just how far you're willing to take the evolution of the Human society. In 1776, people in the USA were mapping out what was wrong with their current situation; in 1787 they defined what was right about what they were doing, and they put their ideals into a workable framework for government. That framework has served the USA for 223 years; ant it has shown that when people are called to a higher purpose, they will (slowly, with a lot of kicking and screaming) eventually rise to that purpose, and become at least an approximate version of what they set out to become in the beginning. Conversely, when we are called to a lower purpose (like lynching somebody or stopping a mosque from being built) we will sink to that purpose - usually quite a bit faster, because it is easier to go back than forward.

HUMANITY. At a fundamental level, we have always understood what we are: chaotic creatures prone to obsession and violence, showing kindness only when it is convenient or rewarded, and self-interested to a fault. Individually, we are dangerous; collectively, we are absolutely wild and brutish. Among all the animals on our planet, we stand out as the most rabidly untamed, the quickest to make war, and the least concerned with our own survival. We will find a way to compromise and corrupt every system we become a part of, whether it is government, religion, or Thursday night bridge clubs. Every endeavor we begin is marked by in-fighting and pack mentality; our history is recorded less in terms of what happens than by the continuous strife to determine who is in charge.

As our history has progressed, we have become more and more separated from other animals on Earth. Our social and technological development has outpaced our evolutionary progress; traits that served our ancestors well in more "natural" environments have been carried down to modern generations and have resulted in social discontent and political upheaval. Our competition is no longer with beasts, but with other people; but that has no effect on our tendency to form packs and herds and to fight those we see as a threat over resources. We treat one another, ultimately, like wolves fighting over a kill, determining a social pecking order ranging from those who eat first to those who are left to starve.

Whatever good things Humanity may be capable of, it should be understood that in the first place we are animals, and our objective is to amass as much power and influence as we can before we die. This is the driving motivation behind everything we do: we work to generate wealth in order to maintain a (hopefully growing) set of resources; we fuck in order to fill the gene pool with as many copies of ourselves as possible, in order to magnify our personal grip on history (or, I suppose, just to fuck); we form armies and make war, and we cheat the pizza delivery guy out of an honest tip.

ALL OF THIS IS GOOD.

Or, at least, it is reality. Systems of government throughout history have made the fatal mistake of ignoring these basic tendencies of the Human animal, opting instead for the belief that Humans are basically decent and intrinsically nice. Horse shit. We are mean, petty, vindictive, rude, ignorant, and stupid. We may have shining moments when we achieve a modicum of respectability in action or intent, but these are but lonely peaks standing above the sea of Human mediocrity and depravity. Any effective system of government that hopes to enhance our nobility as a species must at least acknowledge the baser elements of our collective psyche, or fall prey to them eventually.

Collectively we know a lot of shit about a lot of shit, and we're fairly adept at figuring things out that we don't already know.

So,

What do "we" (meaning a protracted debate) think would work best as a form of government and/or economic model?

I don't mean "pick something that has already been invented" unless you really think that's the best answer, I mean, if we were dropped on to a planet full of uncultured, uneducated goons with no discernable form of government at all, and asked us to create one for them from scratch, what would it look like?

Fun with Facebook Liberals (young, computer-literate, hip, informed, and concerned people who know what's going on):



Turns out they are pretty much the same kind of people who get boners for Palin, except they are mostly women, and their boners are for Obama.

EAT THAT, DISCORD!

For 40 years, Democrats have been accused of being weak. For 40 years, people on the Left have defended them, saying "weak" is just a word the Right uses to make somebody feel bad (Republicans, after all, are basically just grown-up playground bullies). I'm a person on the Left, for the most part. And I have also defended Democrats as people who mean well but whose hands are perpetually tied by the Establishment. If they are in power, the GOP somehow manages to paint them as runaway Socialists; if they are out of power, their pleas for reason, compassion, and restraint are always met with the overbearing nature of Republican politics, and always lose in the end. But I've stood up for the Democrats as the sane alternative to the GOP's short-sighted policies on military action, the environment, national security, and pretty much anything else they go full-steam-ahead crazy about, which is everything. The Democratic Party saved the country from the Great Depression with the New Dea; progressives enacted the Civil Rights Act; they have hunted down and strangled discrimination, bigotry, intolerance, and ignorance for the better part of a century. They're the good guys, right?

Well, as we have seen over the past decade, it turns out that Democrats really are pussies. They won't fight for anybody, they won't stand up for anything, they won't put their foot down on any issue, they won't say anything at all unequivicolly, and in this election year, it's all too clear that what motivates Democrats is political posturing and empty, vain gestures of Progress. They are all so consumed with looking and sounding like somebody you'd vote for, that they never actually become somebody you'd vote for. They are wholly a Washington institution, even if it's a small-time Democrat running for a local office. They are good at talking big and at acting on nothing at all. "Disconnected" and "out of touch" doesn't come anywhere close to describing these people.

Take the BP oil spill. The Democrats got so worked up talking about how awful it was and what an enormous disaster it was going to be, when their cleanup efforts ended up preventing most of the damage, they looked like political opportunists rather than an effective government ably dealing with a disaster. Along the way we got Obama with his sleeves rolled up and talking about "kicking ass," which makes him look stupid (as if anybody believes Obama talks that way other than when whatever clown advising him tells him to), and it emphasizes a basic problem with Democrats: they're heavily invested in focus groups and political calculations, to the point that they completely miss huge opportunities to improve their reputations and solidify public support for their platform.

The "Ground Zero Mosque" is another example of the political ineptitude of the Democratic machine. Most of them run for the hills when this subject is brought up because they've heard about public opinion polls. On a gut level, they know that denying people a place to worship is wrong in this country, but God forbid they say so. They see Republicans gaining traction in polls because of their vitriol and bigotry and ignorance, so what do Democrats do? Follow the GOP. Yeah, smart move, morons. Make yourselves more like the people you are theoretically opposed to, and in the process make it all to obvious that not only are you being disingenuous, but you're unoriginal and desperate, too. You think people are going to vote for that? What people want to see is a healthy debate on the principles of this issue. If you would come out and say "No,  America is about freedom, and that includes freedom of Religion for everyone, even if some people are offended," and say it forcefully and maybe even a little condescendingly, like the whole squabble over whether or not to build the Islamic Center in Manhattan is beneath the level America expects of its national discourse, people would at least know where you stand. That's something at least somebody can vote for.

Hitching a ride on whatever fad seems to be pushing polls around is exactly why nobody is going to show up this November to defend you. Why defend a party that just rolls over for the GOP anyway? Why bother taking time off work to vote for you, when you won't return the favor and vote for us on the floors of Congress? In fact, if I do make it to a poll this November, there's a good chance I'm going to vote Repulican, because that's what I'll get in the end anyway. Every progressive idea that rolls into Congress comes out like a Borg soldier after the GOP is done with it - its soul sucked out and replaced with the Status Quo, dressed with so many patched-on amendments and compromises that there's nothing left of the original idea but the outrage it causes among the Republican base.

So no, Mr. Obama, I will not be "pledging to vote" this November. I hope the Democrats suffer a defeat so drastic that they finally fire the idiots they have advising them, ever single one of the PR people, and whoever else is standing between the Democrats and getting with the fucking program. America is under serious seige from so-called "Conservatives" who want to completely redefine the nature of what it means to be an American, and you people are so terrible at opposing them, you're making them look good.

.

Our forefathers brought forth on this continent...
a new nation.
A NATION, conceived in "liberty"
and dedicated to the ideal
that all men are created equal.


...joke's on them, I guess.
lol.

And, my friends, Energy is all about YOU! That's why the Tennant Institute is here to tell you all about the Magical Mysterious Properties of the HUMAN FREQUENCY.

See, all the cells in your body operate on voltage. And every kind of cell has a different natural frequency at which it operates best. To be healthy, you must feed your cells electrons so that they can maintain their energy/voltage/frequency.

AND EAT SEAWEED, because it is full of Iodine, and Iodine kills cancer and doesn't afraid of anything.

Now, you may be saying to yourself, this is exciting! And you're right! It is exciting, because the FDA has hidden this information from you your entire life, with its "traditional" emphasis on pharmaceuticals! At the Tennant Institute, we believe health should be FREE - not encumbered with patents and copyright! We believe that everyone should have access to health, as a matter of course!

That's why we are now offering the TENNANT BIOMODULATOR for what is probably a reasonable price! BUY ONE NOW to keep medicine FREE!

So I was thinking about the Government.

Specifically, Congress.
And political parties.

The Constitution doesn't mention political parties. Constitutionally, there is no allowance for any such thing. Representatives and Senators are, in theory, sent individually to represent the people of their districts and States.

This means that the following Congressional procedures and traditions are 100% bullshit:

- "Majority" and "Minority" parties
- "Majority Party" getting to choose the chairperson of each Committee and Speaker of the House
- The concept of a "Supermajority"
- Fillibustering without actually fillibustering
- "Reconciliation"
- Caucuses
- Etc.

I have no other point to make. Just that everything we know about Congress and how it works has nothing at all to do with the actual framework for our Government.

We talk a lot about what the Machine is in general terms, but I'd like to know what specific things piss you off about the Machine. Right now, my list includes these:

- The Universal News Cycle. The series of "What's Happening Now" issues that streams through the media. Every day, there's a new Hot Button Issue that everybody's talking about, from Rush Limbaugh to Talk of the Nation. Elena Kagan, Shirley Sherrod, the military suicide rate, which team some athlete is going to play for, Blagojevich, blah blah blah. Why is it always so synchronized across media outlets? Why do some stories, especially minor ones, grab their attention when there are are always thousands of stories they could all choose from? If they're all independently owned and operated, what makes them all latch on to the same exact issues at the same exact times?

- Political Stunts. Obama drives a Chevy Volt. "Mission Accomplished." SB 1070. The incessant drone of politicians posing for photos or wearing funny hats or shaking hands with a momentary celebrity, posteuring, or soapboxing over nothing. It's incredibly transparent and everybody knows it's ultimately meaningless and it's all done for show and to score political points just to get to the next opportunity to do it again. Why do they bother? It seems to me it would actually involve a lot less effort to actually do something than to keep trying to look busy while people realize nothing is happening.

- Stranger Danger. 99.99% of people out there have no interest in hurting you, and the rest are going to hurt you if they get a chance, no matter how much cold-shoulder you give them in the checkout lane. Why do we have to mistrust everybody?

AS SOME PEOPLE IN THE DEVELOPING WORLD strive to bring civilization to the mud huts they live in, clean water and edible food to their children, and a chance for a better tomorrow to the people of their deprived nations, it is comforting to know that a few of you have achieved the long sought-after status of Complete Asshole. Thank you for perching on the very bleeding edge of cultural degeneration by setting up a little farm of servers for the express purpose of making yourself a gigantic pain in the ass to people on the other side of the planet who should have much better things to do than deal with cyber-attacks from the butt-end of the global economy, but who nevertheless cannot leave their chairs for longer than 10 minutes at a time.

It is with sincere regret that I have for so long dismissed your culture as inconsequential. I realize now that you are capable of competing in the global economy with even the most incompetent and malicious of cock gobbling titwanks in terms of your ability to waste my time. Believe me when I tell you, I hope that your server farm is made of shitty 2nd-hand Dell computers, because that way I know you won't be online for long. Also, I hope that if your efforts to penetrate the West's incredibly sophisticated technological systems ever succeed, you are rewarded with nothing but terrible phishing emails, Viagra ads, pictures of naked women who don't exist, and other kinds of useless because thanks to you, that is all we have left. Finally, I hope you die of hepatitis. Fuck you.

PS. Your mother too, if she's still alive. If not, LOL.

And we try to think of ways to scam the scammer.

http://abcnews.go.com/Business/TheBigMoney/boston-tea-party-real-story/story?id=11071972&page=1

Analysis of the TEA Party movement and why it actually is kind of similar to the movement leading to the Boston Tea Party. Also, why they don't care if they're wrong.

Human communication is amazing. Or, rather, it is amazing that we communicate at all. Our ideas are fundamentally incoherent, and our words are blunt and often inaccurate. If we have an idea that we want to convey to someone else, here is the process we generally use:

• Have an idea based on our own personal experiences with the gaps filled in by our assumptions, which are also based on personal experience (and myth).
• 
  Wrap the idea up in whatever words seem most likely to approximate the general meaning of the idea, and deliver those words to somebody else

.

When we receive one of these messages from somebody else, we use a similar process for decoding it:

• Receive a bundle of words. Unwrap it and inspect the words.


• Line the words up and read them, drawing meaning from them that is based on past experience, and filling in the gaps with assumptions, also based on experience (and myth).


• Assume that somehow through some divine or otherwise cosmically unlikely coincidence, we have the slightest idea what the originator of the message was on about.

Assuming that none of us has the same set of experiences, how do we manage to convey any meaningful ideas about abstract concepts at all?

There is a profound truth about life that only you know. You've seen it inscribed on the walls of every room you've ever been in; etched into the faces of all the wretched souls you come across, as they squirm uncomfortably in the glaring sunlight of the horrible truth -- even if they don't know it -- seeking in vain to hide their attempts to escape.

Everything reinforces this truth. The way the wind bends the trees, the way the tide swallows the beaches, the way the moon hangs in a quiet Summer sky, haplessly, like it's beginning to think the string that holds it there is never going to snap, and it'll never have the pleasure of reuniting violently with the Earth.

You are deeply, intrinsically aware of the common thread that weaves its way around and between every thing you know. If you could successfully articulate it, if you could convey what you know to anyone else, you could create a bond between you and your audience so strong that nothing could possibly sever it.

But it eludes communication. Words are dull and clumsy, ultimately useless for describing your truth. Even ideas lack the resolution to zero in on it, because the more time you spend thinking about what you know, the less sure of it you become. The truth is like a message scribbled in an alien language on a fragile slip of paper, rolled up, locked up in a bottle, and tossed into the sea forever.

You are the bottle, the carrier. Inside you is an insight so powerful that it could instantaneously transform the world, if anyone were to ever read it. The sea is life: tumultuous, unpredictable, and able to whisk you to and fro at its will. But it cannot touch the message.

At the end of your journey, when you wash up in some distant shore, who will be there to find what you have carried there? Whoever it is, and whatever the message means to them, they probably won't be another bottle like you. Because bottles can't read.

I spontaneously generated this theory. It could amount to nothing, I might be reading a lot more into things than is really there, I don't know. So I'm submitting the theory for peer review and refinement if possible, or complete dismantling if necessary. Here goes.

Sex sells. We know that. I bet it's a phrase every one of us hears five times a week. It's common knowledge. But just how much does it sell? I think it sells a hell of a lot more than anybody really realizes, even the people behind the ads using sex to sell useless crap.

As members of this society we are exposed at very young ages to highly sexual imagery. From the first time we see the TV, read the news, play a game, or buy a doll, we are being trained in the arts of being attractive, learning what to be attracted to, and how to present ourselves sexually -- vaguely if not outright. Bratz dolls, Barbie dolls, GI Joe, almost everything.

Now, before you assume this is just another "leave sex out of my kids' minds" rant (however appropriate that sentiment might be), it isn't. I'm going somewhere off to the side of that whole issue with this.

I think sexual nature of advertising as it is masked and directed at children, is (consciously or not) ultimately designed to activate an "orgasm response" in the target audience. It arouses the libido, and then immediately grabs your attention for its product. This accomplishes much more over the long term, however, than simply selling a product. It cultivates an addiction to immediate gratification, for one.

But maybe more importantly, and especially in the case of advertisements directed at children, it exploits the sex drive prematurely, before a person is able to recognize or control the impulses that have been awakened. It derails the libido, separates it from its natural emotional and instinctual basis, and transforms it into a thirst for material goods and wealth. Presto! New consumer.

But what is left is that, eventually, the act of sex itself is rendered meaningless - emotional fulfillment is now achieved through consumption, so sex is now strictly physical. Furthermore, the emotional act of love is left without a proper release - people fall in love but have no way to express that love in a meaningful manner. Sex is meaningless, and receiving a gift from someone is never quite the same as treating yourself.

There's probably more.

Trolling the media.

http://www.spagbook.com/elgg/pg/groups/853/nutgasm/

ANSWER!

This could be some kind of warning to noobs, but it isn't. It's just my narcissism making sweet love to my nostalgia.

In my first days on the PD, I was incredibly mystical and very sympathetic to flowers.

It was so bad in fact that not only did I change my nickname, I made a whole new account so I could shed my nooby ways.

The reason I have been around for so long and yet have such a low post count is because, when I blather every time I feel like opening my mouth, this is what happens.

The point of this post being that some people say it is better to shut your mouth and be thought an idiot than to open it and remove all doubt, and some people disagree. You'll find the latter group to be comprised of complete idiots.

I guess what I'm really trying to say is, I hate you for taking away my True Discordianism, PD!

I would love to be a Libertarian. Theoretically, the Libertarian position makes all kinds of sense. Small government, lots of individual liberty, etc. Most of the on-paper Libertarian thought out there is hard to argue with, except in stupidized versions marketed to idiots (read: Tea Party).

And, to be fair, some of the knee-jerk reactions to Libertarianism (They won't pave your street! They won't make sure drinking water is safe! They won't defend the country!) are a little out of proportion to what Libertarianism actually suggests.

Some Libertarian positions I actually agree with. Social policy by legislation (like the Civil Rights Act) is a bit of an end-run around the democratic process. Government regulation is often incompetent and easily circumvented. The tax code is convoluted and sometimes unfair. I would honestly love to leave Government out  of these processes.

But, there's just one problem. While Libertarianism is a great philosophy, Libertarians don't exist! Everyone I've met who claims to be a "Libertarian" is, in reality, an extreme Statist who just doesn't like what the State is doing right now. They don't like being taxed, but they love the thought of enforcing moral laws on other people. They don't like the Government telling private businesses how to operate, but they don't mind the Government telling private individuals how to behave. They don't want anybody threatening their right to own guns, but they often threaten to use those guns on political opponents. And, in some cases, have used them.

And they really don't like uppity Negroes living in the White House.

Now, I could be the first true Libertarian. I could try to effect social change and Government policy along those lines. But if I got my way, expecting "social pressure" to move social reality, I'd be in for a rude awakening. Societies do not change or adapt, especially not fast enough to cope with the hypersonic speeds of the global economy, by "social pressure" alone. I would live in a place where nobody forced businesses to serve black people, and guess what? They wouldn't, because without a clear mandate, people will happily maintain the status quo in their societies. In Saudi Arabia, the government has not passed any women's rights legislation in apparently 900 years. And they don't have to, because "social pressure" is transforming women's place in society. Right?

The people clamoring now for Libertarianism are just disgruntled because "No Government" is better, in their opinions, than progressive Government. But don't be confused about their actual intentions. If they are elected in numbers large enough to direct Government policy, don't expect them to shrink anything except the number of places where free people feel free.

This evening I went on an expedition into the back corners of the Internet, where I found a brood of Subgenii in their native habitat: an IRC channel that stretched into basements all over the US. I thought I'd share my findings with you all.

Communication
I attempted communication with the beasts, but their underdeveloped linguistic abilities limited the range of ideas I was able to convey. They communicate in blurps and buzz noises. They enjoy bleating back and forth about hundreds of subjects that have no actual correlation to each other.

Social Structure
The Subgenius colony is governed very loosely, but there is one absolute law that I observed: the Alpha is whichever Subgenius is most weird at any given moment. In the space of five minutes, the Alpha position might change as much as 600 times, even when there are only two individual animals awake (Subgenii sleep a lot). Every action and statement is a battle for Alpha rank, and as a result the colony feels like Thunderdome, with worse acting.

Conclusions
Although the wild Subgenius is an evolutionary cousin to the Discordian, the differences between the two species are surprising. For example, not the Discordian has retained the Not Stupid with Money gene while that has been lost by the Subgenius (as evidenced by the Subgenius' lack of $30), but the Subgenius has evolved an astonishing similarity to a completely unrelated species, the West California Valley Girl. This is why a Subgenius would make an excellent cheerleader, if one could train it to stop eating the pom-poms. Overall, the Subgenius species has evolved itself into a hole.

Although, it may be that the Subgenius is only playing stupid. I did uncover evidence on my expedition that points to the rash of idiots popping up here on PD over the past few years actually being covert Subgenius agents attempting to infiltrate, understand, and co-opt the PD community. But that's inconclusive.

Anyway, that's what I learned today.

1. Post something on Craigslist you think will get people to reply to you.
2. Sift through the replies, finding as much personal info as possible sent by people too dumb to hide it.
3. Look these people up in the phone book.
4. Send them weird shit via snail mail.
5. Document with pictures.

The coordination is getting underway at spagbook.com / groups / gasm command.

[WE ALL HATE FACEBOOK.]

WE ALL HATE FACEBOOK. It is full of inconsequential schmucks who use it to do stupid things for no reason at all. You'd think that would make it the perfect platform for Discordianism. But for some reason, nobody uses it that way. So, rather than trying to transform a very large network into a Discordian Cabal, we* have decided to create a social networking site for our own nefarious purposes.

SPAGbook, unlike Facebook, has many things going for it. For one, it is nearly devoid of members and content. Also, there is no YoVille or FarmVille or CuntVille. It is completely controlled by us*.

It is not just a 'social networking' site that you can join to share pictures of your dog or your pubic hair (although that is encouraged). It is a platform for collaboration on projects and EVIL MISSIONS. It contains the key to ultimate happiness: working with other Stick Aparters to produce publications, plan for REALLY EFFECTIVE ten-person marches on DC, coordinate culture jamming activities, and maybe force the global economy into a depression so deep it will make the Dark Ages look like the Robot Future.

SPAGbook. Because we can all use a new way to waste time on the Internet.






















* "we" and "us" refer to me, of course.

http://wyoming.craigslist.org/rnr/

And read the topics labeled "Obama Sucks" and variants thereof.

The people of my state are amazing.

would anybody on this awful board be interested in a social networking type site for PD users? you know, blogs, 'activity stream' type of shit, sharing pictures and mp3s or whatever, etc...

True story that happened right here in my town.

A guy who lives here had a fantasy about raping a girl. Apparently he didn't actually want to rape a person, though, so he posted a Craigslist ad looking for a role-playing partner. "I come into your house and rape you, then leave," he offered.

He gets a reply. "Hi. I live at XXX Whatever St. Come by and rape me, I've had a rape fantasy for a while and I'm ready to try it out."

So he does.

Couple days go by, the Cops show up at his house and arrest the shit out of him.

Turns out the girl he was roleplaying with wasn't the person who replied to his ad. Her ex-boyfriend did. He was arrested somewhere in California.

Disappointment Ahead: This is not actually about poop.

I believe Evolution is true. But... I have a question.

Say there's a dinosaur. And millions of years later, his descendants are birds. Okay, fair enough. I can understand why a species might evolve the ability of flight. But why start down that path if it takes millions of years to get there? What practical advantage is a dinosaur with a few sparse feathers? What advantage in natural selection does an animal have that, for example, has evolved feathers but not flight? Do its genes just say "well, that's okay, we're going for flight and we'll get there eventually, for now all we have are feathers..." ?

turns out there isn't one.

oh wait! he fired the dumb shits in charge of all the regulatory bodies, and replaced them with more knowledgeable dumb shits.

also, his smile continues to charm people.

so i made a new one. SO SUE ME.

do your worst:

Corporation Runs for Congress

I know it's a publicity stunt meant to expose the sorry state of our Republic, but you know somebody out there is going to see this as a golden opportunity.

I HAVE BEEN TO THE MOUNTAIN TOP. I've been above the tree line, where nothing grows but lichen, and nobody's really sure if that counts as life or not anyway. The air is thin up there, but you can see a long, long way. You can see your house, you can see your car, you can see the roads we draw in the sand, and how pitiful they are, stretching on for miles but barely scratching the surface of an inhospitable landscape. You can see the hills and the mountains, crawling silently toward the cities; the rivers, slowly carving out the graves of civilization.

To be sure, a lot of things are happening, most of it just slightly beyond the edges of our perception. And while it all happens we are down here, scampering back and forth confused little ants, never really sure what we're doing
(or why), but carrying on like there's no other way. Yes, you can see a lot from the top of a mountain. I guess that's all I'm trying to say.

I also have something to say about PD. Much like a hometown, PD is the place where many of us first realized something very important, whatever it might be. It is a place that somehow (and honestly I have no idea how, exactly) is able to leave an impression. It's just SMF with some fancy emoticons and higher quality spags, but for some reason many of us find it to be a place that, in our increasingly cardboard world, really feels like somewhere. There is a first time for everything, and PD has seen a lot of things have their first time. It saw the first time I ever shouted my guts up about something and, instead of a virtual room filled with vacant applause or uneasy agreement for a few moments, there was a room filled with discussion about topics I thought nobody would ever be able to discuss.

PD is also like a hometown in that eventually you want to leave. It could be for any reason; maybe Roger's pants are on too tight one day and he looks at you funny. Maybe some noob has infiltrated Apple Talk and is spamming the place up. Maybe there is a gigantic Sociological Experiment going on and you're secretly the butt of some ass-tard's half-cocked scheme to get a few cheap yuks at your expense. Or maybe, like me, you just start feeling like the magic is gone and you haul off blaming everybody around you for that, like it's their job to make you feel like a fucking princess.

Anyway, the point is that eventually, you might want to leave PD, in spite of the fact that is magical, wondrous, and basically the best thing on the Internet (aside from Russian porno). In fact, the more impressed you are with PD at first, the higher the chance is that later, you will want out for some reason.

But I will also tell you that there is no escape. Out there in the world, where you are but gear being ground to a pulp in the Machine, where there is no light except whatever comes dripping out of late-night TV, while you sit there with a death grip on every space between inconsequential decisions, wondering to yourself why your life has no direction and why nothing makes any sense and why there is nobody to talk to about it; out there where Discord is bad, and nobody likes you making fun of their dead Aunt's funeral dress... Out there, you'll find your way back here faster than you think. Because PD isn't just a website, it's the gaping maw at the end of every Discordian's quest for meaning.

for me to show my face around here?

.... also, hi pdcom what's cookin?