Principia Discordia

Principia Discordia => Apple Talk => Topic started by: The Good Reverend Roger on January 26, 2003, 09:53:58 pm

Title: The Art of the Brag.
Post by: The Good Reverend Roger on January 26, 2003, 09:53:58 pm
"There is no epilogue, unless you make it,
If you want your freedom, go and take it."
--William "Little Billy" Shakespeare
(had things turned out a little differently)

"And I will give him the morning star"
--St. John "Anything For A Laugh" of Patmos
(Revelation 2:28)

"Go, and never darken my towels again!"
--Groucho Marx
(Animal Crackers)

The establishment spends a great deal of it's time making sure we are sheeple.  Your egos are bruised everyday; from fitness magazines which make you feel (by comparison) like Don Knotts or Fatty Arbuckle, to action movies which make you realize what an indolent slug you are.  You are taught from the cradle that you simply aren't good enough, and you had better be GLAD for the few good things come your way...You obviously don't DESERVE them, so get back in line before somebody notices.

NO MORE!  You can't go through life with a shrunken ego...not as a human being, at least...You CAN, if your greatest ambition in life is to be a food-tube.

You need to look in the mirror and not THINK there are no flaws, you need to KNOW there are no flaws.  You need to act as if you are THE MAN (or WOMAN)!  Act this way, and others will treat you this way (making it easier to ACT this way, etc).

This is NOT arrogance (which would mean you are putting others down to make yourself feel big), but rather SUPREME SELF CONFIDENCE.  If ya don't have it, fake it; it will become real on it's own.

A good tool to help in this regard is "The Brag".  Spew a boast about your various attributes on this forum.  Make shyt up, exaggerate like a Senator...whatever it takes.  Post yourself as a sinner or a saint, it doesn't matter; because here in Discordianism, we're up for ANY PROGRAM!

And let no man say that the Good Reverend Roger will send a person where HE will not go...I will go first:
Title: The brag of the Discordian Subgenius
Post by: The Good Reverend Roger on January 26, 2003, 09:56:10 pm
THE BRAG OF THE DISCORDIAN SUBGENIUS

Siddown, Billy, and lemme tell you who I am!  

I am THE MAN!  Where I walk, the grass doesn't grow, OUT OF RESPECT!  When I travel, the elderly and the children cheer, while the unrighteous cringe!  I view the slurs of @ssholes as a BENEDICTION!  Soda machines give free pop when I pass near!  The Gawds themselves cross the road when they see me!  Anything for a frickin' laugh, and the lesser mortals around me are NO EXCEPTION!  Nothing bothers me, I BOTHER IT!  I am the Grand Unified Theory, the walking incarnation of Slack, the terror that walks in the night!  I am feared in all the wrong circles, and I eat my metaphoric dead!  I wipe the establishment off my shoes when I go in the house!  Elvis isn't dead, HE SHINES MY SHOES!  I age backwards!  I spit in the eye of the HSD just for KICKS!  I play frisbee with MANHOLE COVERS!  I kick habits while the nuns are still in them!  I blow my NOSE on the terror of the Gawds!  Robert Redford greens with envy when I pass by!  I gave the Dalhi Lama "third eye blowout"!  I chew barbed wire, and shyt quarters!  Gawd himself put off armageddon because I'm so cool he couldn't bear for the universe to end!  I am that Seven-headed beastie that St John jabbered about, I ain't the Alpha, but I AM the OMEGA! Get outta my way because

(at this point, the Good Reverend blew an o-ring, and conked out on his keyboard.  He will finish his brag at a later time.)

<transmission ends>
Title: The Art of the Brag.
Post by: Kateallerina Contessa Etc on January 27, 2003, 03:21:48 am
In which case I shall continue on.

Hello to all of y'all. Are you honoured? You should be. Come on, it's me. I don't post on here everyday, in fact this may or may not be my first post. But you'll be looking forward to the next one, let me tell you, although I shouldn't have to. I'm going to introduce myself now. I..... am Her Royal Highness Princess Kateallerina Contessa Francesca Bananarama Bobesca Etcetera. Look and wonder. I mean, check me out! When I go by, even my teachers cheer. Some even wave pennants. That's right, pennants. And I'm not just royal, I'm talented too. I can do the splits three ways. I'd do four ways but I don't have enough legs. That's why I'm growing another one. Se this guy?  8) Think he's cool? Shades, yellow, stylin? Well, I'm not putting him down, but I can keep up with him anyday. I've got shades: bright purple ones. And who needs to be yellow when you're already hot pink? Yeah, that's right. Walking in style. And not just pink. Like, remember that pink goop in Ghostbusters 2? That's plae in comparison. I don't know anything as pink as I am. Yea. PINK!
Title: The Art of the Brag.
Post by: The Good Reverend Roger on January 27, 2003, 07:06:07 am
Now THAT'S what the hell I'm talking about!  This is a woman after my own heart!  

ANYONE ELSE GOT THE GUTS TO SPEW A RANT?
Title: The Art of the Brag.
Post by: Z≥ on January 27, 2003, 09:21:18 am
I'm going to construct
The Almighty Death Umbrella Of Vomit & Bastardism and ride makeshift pigeons to the Vatican.
I heretically eat the cardinals and a razor blade taco
I break into the pope's chambers while he's having sex with Oliver Twist
Then I kill him by raping him with Saint Francis Of Assisi
Title: The Art of the Brag.
Post by: Z≥ on January 27, 2003, 09:38:16 am
Also I would like to mention the following things:

I am devouring you.
Title: The Art of the Brag.
Post by: Lord Trout on January 28, 2003, 05:56:16 am
"Fear is for suckers!"

That's what I thought, as I dodged the Burglar's bullet. I then glanced in the direction of my own hand-cannon (waiting patiently in my holster), and the punk ran away in terror. He knew instinctively, were I to become annoyed and wish him ill, that his time on Earth would indeed be at an end.

I let him flee. Rather than expend my own effort to capture the insolent whelp, I summoned the Greyface Police to do the searching for me. With my direction and instruction, the Greyfaces found the burglar cowering in a hedge, some 1/2 mile away. He did two years, because I willed it to be so.

He learned a valuable lesson that evening: It is best not to irritate The Sheckster!
Title: The Art of the Brag.
Post by: Lord Trout on January 28, 2003, 06:02:04 am
BTW, the above is a true story. Swear to Eris, it is!

You see, I currently am employed as a Rent-a-Cop (working to bring down the system from within, of course), and I had this encounter responding to an alarm at a motorcycle shop, in 1998.

The only place I exaggerated was in the beginning of the post. I did not actually dodge the bullet... It bounced off of my ego-shield.
Title: The Art of the Brag.
Post by: Poib on January 28, 2003, 06:36:02 am
Im so hip, moisturizer learns how to fly just so it can escape and have a chance of landing on my skin.
 :twisted:
Im so cool, my landlord pays me rent just so he can let me bless his building with my presence.
 :twisted:
 They invented DVD just so I wouldnt have to rewind my video tape anymore.
 :twisted:
I friggin eat american cheese :shock:

Im so respected, the border patrol tells me to take illegal BC marijuana across into the states just because they want me to make shitloads of money. Then they beg for me to piss on their border cube.
 :twisted:
Food cooks itself to save me time.
 :twisted:
Im so attractive, i not only make ugly people feel like slime, but other attractive looking people too!!!
 :twisted:
im so awesome, i can walk through walls. Even real ones!
 :twisted:

im so cool, i dont get put on surgery waiting lists. :o

im so cool, that im writing about how cool i am on this forum :?:  :?:  :?:
Title: The Art of the Brag.
Post by: Spoon E. Gee on January 30, 2003, 01:06:59 pm
"Ray.... when somebody asks if you're a god.... you say YES damnit!"


I cannot make it any more simple..... I AM A GOD....
Title: The Art of the Brag.
Post by: Lister on January 30, 2003, 06:25:52 pm
God of somethign specific, or just A god in general?

How does ambrosia taste by the way?
(always wondered about that)
Title: The Art of the Brag.
Post by: Spoon E. Gee on January 31, 2003, 10:34:23 am
Why I am Mischief of course.... Second Child begat by Eris.... Preceded by Forgetfullness.. Followed by Quarrels, Lies, Jynx, and my baby brother Confusion.....

have all of you stopped consulting your Pineal gland?.... you should stay up to date....   8)
Title: The Art of the Brag.
Post by: Lister on January 31, 2003, 06:16:12 pm
Quote
have all of you stopped consulting your Pineal gland?.... you should stay up to date....


Nah, I just hung out with your elder bro too much...  He kinda grows on ya...
Title: The Art of the Brag.
Post by: Spoon E. Gee on February 01, 2003, 04:43:30 am
do what now?  I forget what we were talking about....
Title: The Art of the Brag.
Post by: Lister on February 04, 2003, 07:55:51 pm
hehn?
Title: The Art of the Brag.
Post by: Spoon E. Gee on February 04, 2003, 08:00:26 pm
say what now?
Title: The Art of the Brag.
Post by: Z≥ on February 04, 2003, 11:11:22 pm
Moose wins again.
Title: The Art of the Brag.
Post by: Spoon E. Gee on February 04, 2003, 11:23:47 pm
BLOOP BLOOP BLOOP BLOOP!!!!   <!~~~*sacred moose mating call*
Title: Old Stuff
Post by: Irreverend Hugh, KSC on March 21, 2004, 03:00:43 am
::Bump::
Title: The Art of the Brag.
Post by: Cain on November 15, 2005, 02:01:48 pm
I'm just so fucking awesome at forum archaeology that its impossible to express.

 8)
Title: Re: The Art of the Brag.
Post by: Payne on May 16, 2007, 02:11:27 am
Bump. Following in Cains intrepid thread diving footsteps.
Title: Re: The Art of the Brag.
Post by: East Coast Hustle on May 16, 2007, 02:25:14 am
don't make me escalate.
Title: Re: The Art of the Brag.
Post by: Payne on May 16, 2007, 02:26:16 am
Sorry.

 :lulz:
Title: Re: The Art of the Brag.
Post by: Idem on May 16, 2007, 02:43:09 am
I AM A FUCKING SUPERHUMAN.  "Don't tread on me?"  HAW!  I tread on the Southern Snake DAILY, and it begs for more!  When I play football, BOTH teams stear clear of me, JUST to keep out of my AURA!  I am a fucking CHAMPION!  The way I walk makes the sidewalk buckle under my feet, and the plants grow BACK into the soil!  The print of the wicked burns in my hands, just because  it doesn't want the THRASHING I would provide it otherwise!  I have the eyesite and temperament of an eagle, and small animals hide in holes lest I LOOK at them!  Oh, I am a sight!  I stole Samson's hair, and threw it away when I found it wasn't GOOD enough for my golden scalp!

YEEEEEEHAW!!!!!!  YEE!  YEE!!!

Every time I burp, a transformer blows in California!  Do you hear that rumbling in my stomach?  'Twould be the first trumpet of the apocalypse!  When I fart, 'twould be the seventh!  "THE MAN" tried to train me, but the leash broke!  I am a FREE man, and noone can stop me!  I am the SOLE reason there are no good things!  You better watch out, because -  [transmission ends]
Title: Re: The Art of the Brag.
Post by: B_M_W on May 16, 2007, 04:48:35 am
Hey, check me out fools. You got nothin on me. I am the the KING of biology, so don't you step. Many a bio wannabe/creationist/pseudoscience hack tried to lay me down, but they all fell before my mighty actin and myosin fibers, coupled with a neurologic marvel. I use 169% of my cerebrum, and THEN some. Watch me calculate your osmotic gradient...what, too fast? Turns out all your ions up and left, for my excelerated diffusion.

And just to bring you down another notch, I'll rattle off some latin and greek names, and bring my hord of arthropods down upon you. Ever heard of the Lord of the Flies? You're talkin to Him. And if you think those Aedes aegypti are bad, just wait till you meet my bot flies. You'll be warbling all day long, if you know what I mean.

Hear that? Thats the sound of your digestive enzymes denature in the presense of my professorial prowess. Your leucocytes tremble in fear, your somatic tissues shiver. And just as you move to run my neurons send that action potential and you are on your back. Like that taste? Enjoy my urea, bitch, for I am bioking.
Title: Re: The Art of the Brag.
Post by: The Good Reverend Roger on May 16, 2007, 05:34:44 am
Ah, this is a CLASSIC fread.  Most of the significant early posters are on this one.
Title: Re: The Art of the Brag.
Post by: East Coast Hustle on May 16, 2007, 02:18:14 pm
Hey, check me out fools. You got nothin on me. I am the the KING of biology, so don't you step. Many a bio wannabe/creationist/pseudoscience hack tried to lay me down, but they all fell before my mighty actin and myosin fibers, coupled with a neurologic marvel. I use 169% of my cerebrum, and THEN some. Watch me calculate your osmotic gradient...what, too fast? Turns out all your ions up and left, for my excelerated diffusion.

And just to bring you down another notch, I'll rattle off some latin and greek names, and bring my hord of arthropods down upon you. Ever heard of the Lord of the Flies? You're talkin to Him. And if you think those Aedes aegypti are bad, just wait till you meet my bot flies. You'll be warbling all day long, if you know what I mean.

Hear that? Thats the sound of your digestive enzymes denature in the presense of my professorial prowess. Your leucocytes tremble in fear, your somatic tissues shiver. And just as you move to run my neurons send that action potential and you are on your back. Like that taste? Enjoy my urea, bitch, for I am bioking.

:lulz:
:mittens:
Title: Re: The Art of the Brag.
Post by: B_M_W on May 16, 2007, 04:19:15 pm
:thanks:
Title: Re: The Art of the Brag.
Post by: East Coast Hustle on May 16, 2007, 04:44:01 pm
sorry. I fucked that one up by changing it to ;thanks; when I added it here.
Title: Re: The Art of the Brag.
Post by: Jasper on May 16, 2007, 07:49:04 pm
I'd brag in this thread...

But I wouldn't want to make everyone look bad. 8)
Title: Re: The Art of the Brag.
Post by: Lies on June 06, 2007, 03:20:42 pm
Now THAT'S what the hell I'm talking about!  This is a woman after my own heart! 

ANYONE ELSE GOT THE GUTS TO SPEW A RANT?

ITT TGRR's first PD crush, Her Royal Highness Princess Kateallerina Contessa Francesca Bananarama Bobesca Etcetera.

Fuck she sounds hot.
Title: Re: The Art of the Brag.
Post by: Shibboleet The Annihilator on June 07, 2007, 06:40:52 am
Judging by the post I read she would have gotten flamed if today's posters were around back then.
Title: Re: The Art of the Brag.
Post by: The Good Reverend Roger on June 07, 2007, 06:51:52 am
Judging by the post I read she would have gotten flamed if today's posters were around back then.

Different day and age.
Title: Re: The Art of the Brag.
Post by: Shibboleet The Annihilator on June 07, 2007, 06:52:56 am
I'll say.
Title: Re: The Art of the Brag.
Post by: Shibboleet The Annihilator on June 07, 2007, 06:53:32 am
Makes me wonder how this era of posts will look in 4 or 5 years...
Title: Re: The Art of the Brag.
Post by: The Good Reverend Roger on June 07, 2007, 06:55:56 am
Makes me wonder how this era of posts will look in 4 or 5 years...

HAW HAW!  I'll consider myself lucky if I have ELECTRICITY that long.

And those older posters?  Shit.  I had such high hopes.  Then they all buggered off to run imaginary countries.

Scarred me for life.
Title: Re: The brag of the Discordian Subgenius
Post by: The Good Reverend Roger on March 24, 2008, 01:37:49 am
THE BRAG OF THE DISCORDIAN SUBGENIUS

Siddown, Billy, and lemme tell you who I am! 

I am THE MAN!  Where I walk, the grass doesn't grow, OUT OF RESPECT!  When I travel, the elderly and the children cheer, while the unrighteous cringe!  I view the slurs of @ssholes as a BENEDICTION!  Soda machines give free pop when I pass near!  The Gawds themselves cross the road when they see me!  Anything for a frickin' laugh, and the lesser mortals around me are NO EXCEPTION!  Nothing bothers me, I BOTHER IT!  I am the Grand Unified Theory, the walking incarnation of Slack, the terror that walks in the night!  I am feared in all the wrong circles, and I eat my metaphoric dead!  I wipe the establishment off my shoes when I go in the house!  Elvis isn't dead, HE SHINES MY SHOES!  I age backwards!  I spit in the eye of the HSD just for KICKS!  I play frisbee with MANHOLE COVERS!  I kick habits while the nuns are still in them!  I blow my NOSE on the terror of the Gawds!  Robert Redford greens with envy when I pass by!  I gave the Dalhi Lama "third eye blowout"!  I chew barbed wire, and shyt quarters!  Gawd himself put off armageddon because I'm so cool he couldn't bear for the universe to end!  I am that Seven-headed beastie that St John jabbered about, I ain't the Alpha, but I AM the OMEGA! Get outta my way because

(at this point, the Good Reverend blew an o-ring, and conked out on his keyboard.  He will finish his brag at a later time.)

<transmission ends>

Man up, bitches.
Title: Re: The Art of the Brag.
Post by: Doktor Loki on March 24, 2008, 06:09:55 am
TREMBLE BEFORE ME, LITTLE EARTH BEINGS!  My footsteps turn the ground into fucking pudding.  I have more hair on me than the rest of my Fucking STATE!  I walk into a room, and people SWOON at the sight of my mane!  The Sinless vomit up their fucking LUNGS in my presence!  The sheer volume of my voice is enough to bring RUIN to any situation!  I speak, and congregations gather to hang on every word of my anti-wisdom!  I ACTUALLY HAVE a third nostril!  I have the strength to hurl cars, but unlike Sampson my powers are not diminished by the removal of my locks (glorious though they may be)!  This would simply ENRAGE me, causing me to Hulk out and break the continent.  AND WE DONT WANT THAT, DO WE?!
Hell, I stole the name of Eris' Norse brother, and no retribution has befallen me!  Shit, I'm so badass "Bob" even let me hit his pipe. Stang just wrote that shit about it burning that bobbie cuz he's butthurt that "Bob" wouldn't share with him, too.
Title: Re: The Art of the Brag.
Post by: The Good Reverend Roger on March 24, 2008, 11:05:46 pm
TREMBLE BEFORE ME, LITTLE EARTH BEINGS!  My footsteps turn the ground into fucking pudding.  I have more hair on me than the rest of my Fucking STATE!  I walk into a room, and people SWOON at the sight of my mane!  The Sinless vomit up their fucking LUNGS in my presence!  The sheer volume of my voice is enough to bring RUIN to any situation!  I speak, and congregations gather to hang on every word of my anti-wisdom!  I ACTUALLY HAVE a third nostril!  I have the strength to hurl cars, but unlike Sampson my powers are not diminished by the removal of my locks (glorious though they may be)!  This would simply ENRAGE me, causing me to Hulk out and break the continent.  AND WE DONT WANT THAT, DO WE?!
Hell, I stole the name of Eris' Norse brother, and no retribution has befallen me!  Shit, I'm so badass "Bob" even let me hit his pipe. Stang just wrote that shit about it burning that bobbie cuz he's butthurt that "Bob" wouldn't share with him, too.

:mittens:

Title: Re: The Art of the Brag.
Post by: Reginald Ret on March 26, 2008, 12:37:00 am
I am the reason black holes never swallowed this solar system, in fact one of those sneaky buggers tried once but I ate it and then shat out the sun! yeah motherfuckers I made the sun! I made all the planets too, well except for uranus because i was born with that! thats right i am the only person who is allowed to call that planet myanus! In the beginning i held them together using willpower but that got annoying so i just told the laws of physics to act like there exists a particle called a graviton! Fuck Yeah I'm the reason the physicists are grasping at sraws with all their strange new particles! HA the joke is on them! no such particle exists! gravity happens because i said so dammit!
Ever wonder why the giant ferns and the dinosaurs went extinct? well thats because I used the ferns to wipe myanus after shitting out the sun, and after that i ate the dinosaurs as dessert! And no i didn't have to wash my hands first because my cells are better at assimilation than the borg! Remember the two world wars? i was taking a nap and ahd a bad dream. I'd apologize but that would mean me being wrong and i can't be because morality is so scared of me it'll change into a random set of rules to avoid coming into conflict with me! You know death? tall dude, black robe and scythe? Well i play chess with him, and i let him beat me everytime just to prove that he's scared of me! He probably heard of the time i killed the last Jabberwocky with my hands tied behind my back and the vorpal blade stuck through my heart.
I don't need alcohol I can get drunk just by willing it! besides my amazing constitution makes it impossible for me to become intoxicated! Sounds like a contradiction? well it is! but only for you maggots, logic shits her pants when i come along! Only Eris isn't scared of me but she's mad as a hatter and besides she scares me, always laughing at me...
Title: Re: The Art of the Brag.
Post by: Richter on April 29, 2008, 03:31:38 pm
What in the hell are you doing?  Lollygaging at my presence like an undereducated suburbanite.  Yes, Iím often awed too by such a fine example hybridization, but this isnít art appreciation time jacko!
I take no time for your human bullshit.  Bureaucrats only work over me for the time it takes for me to work around them.  Your drama doesnít accomplish jack, so donít expect me to pay attention while you run your little screaming skits.     
Need the balls to pull off your own hilarity?  Iíll lend you some.  I got five.  Itís Santaís bag down there, and Iím damn the testicle Easter Bunny.
I can joke with bikers about sleeping with their kids, and done it with the charisma to still be alive and un stomped after.
IĎll live like a Spartan and eat like an Inuit, but I donít let the stoicism go to my head.  I can enjoy myself, and not just cultivate better misery. 
Drunk?  Hallucinating?  Donít start thinking I use the common manís intoxicants in the common mansí way.  Every second out of my head is spent appreciating the new arrangement of the old headbones, which Iíll drag back to sobriety to bare to the screaming and fawning populace.
Iím always outnumbered, but never outgunned, a MacGyver who actually goes out prepared once in awhile.
I can walk myself through most anything, and will pull my compatriots out however possible.
Even after things have gone REALLY bad, Iíll still be able to crack a joke about it. 
ďFuck Ďem if the canít take a joke.Ē Ė ďBobĒ
Whoís got something that stacks up?  Well?!
Title: Noli Me Tangere
Post by: Contessa_Ugolino on April 30, 2008, 08:06:26 am
My mount is a wolf. My drinking horn is a barrel. My boots are made of the flesh of the jarls of my enemies.

I pick my teeth with Shamshir-e Zomorrodnegar. I wipe my feet on the Golden Fleece. I keep my weed in the Ark of the Covenant.

I wove Gleipnir. I sewed the Babr-e Bayan. I forged Durendal with my fucking eyes closed.

I met a tanuki on the road and wore his cock down to a nub.

I shot a man in Reno just 'cause I was high.
Title: Re: The Art of the Brag.
Post by: Cainad (dec.) on April 30, 2008, 08:44:09 am
God didn't send the forty days and nights of rain to eliminate the evil in humanity. He sent it to eliminate ME, and it ain't my fault that ol' Beardy McJehovah can't kill off a fucker properly. And Noah could have just gone for higher ground, but he didn't want to be cornered with me stomping around.

There's a big-ass volcano just a short plane trip from where I live, and you wanna know why it hasn't blown up since I've been here? It's because it's fucking SCARED. It emptied its molten bowels right back into the fucking mantle of the Earth itself. It'll erupt when I say so, and the first monkeyshit excuse for a human to actually get on my nerves (which is not easy, since the electrical impulses in my nervous system run at about 16 gigawatts) is getting a face full of lava.

I am the one stealing that sock out of your dryer all the time, and I do it just to fuck with you.

Paperwork fills itself out in my presence. Traffic flows smoothly when I'm around, or else I personally get rid of the traffic... with my bare hands. Fruit instantly ripens to perfection in my hands, out of SHEER TERROR of what I'll do if I bite into a bitter banana.

AND THE FUCKING GOVERNMENT HAD TO TURN OFF THE BUG THEY PLANTED ON MY WATER HEATER BECAUSE THEY WERE GETTING NIGHTMARES FROM THE FEEDBACK.

I am what all the anti-Semites are afraid of. I am a hook-nosed, curly-haired, brown-eyed terror, and I always let my enemies get a head start because I'd die of boredom otherwise.
Title: Re: The Art of the Brag.
Post by: Adios on April 30, 2008, 12:46:32 pm
I don't walk because the world obeys my thoughts and comes to me. My eyes cause the fabric of creation itself to tremble lest i turn my gaze towards it. Mighty oak trees bow before my presence. My words can turn rock into molten lava. My thoughts are commands that all the universes obey instantly. I am not god, I consider him an insignificant little twit and he stays the hell out of my way because he knows if he pisses me off I will take his toy away and end his existence.


AND THE ONLY FUCKING REASON I HAVEN'T KILLED TGRR IS BECAUSE HE AMUSES ME!
Title: Re: The Art of the Brag.
Post by: Mesozoic Mister Nigel on April 30, 2008, 06:12:20 pm
My hat is made from the prolapsed vaginas of my enemies. Those who were not born naturally with vaginas had vaginas manually installed with my bare hands prior to prolapse. I never buy meat because everything I eat turns into bacon in my mouth, except when it turns into raw, tender buffalo steak. I shit candy and blackbirds, and the blackbirds pluck out the eyes of those who look at me in a displeasing manner, and lay them at my feet on a bed of onions. It is this which I use to make soup to feed my children, who are the lords of evil thoughts, the Underworld, and The Top of The Bottom, the tiny crevice through which all horrors creep bound to the legs of centipedes, to be shaken loose like the eggs of lice into the minds of the susceptible, the unwary, virgins, and the pathetic.
Title: Re: The Art of the Brag.
Post by: Cramulus on April 30, 2008, 06:41:38 pm
My hat is made from the prolapsed vaginas of my enemies. Those who were not born naturally with vaginas had vaginas manually installed with my bare hands prior to prolapse. I never buy meat because everything I eat turns into bacon in my mouth, except when it turns into raw, tender buffalo steak. I shit candy and blackbirds, and the blackbirds pluck out the eyes of those who look at me in a displeasing manner, and lay them at my feet on a bed of onions. It is this which I use to make soup to feed my children, who are the lords of evil thoughts, the Underworld, and The Top of The Bottom, the tiny crevice through which all horrors creep bound to the legs of centipedes, to be shaken loose like the eggs of lice into the minds of the susceptible, the unwary, virgins, and the pathetic.

:potd:
Title: Re: The Art of the Brag.
Post by: hoopla on April 30, 2008, 07:14:42 pm
Nigel is my new hero, replacing Nigel who was also my old hero.
Title: Re: The Art of the Brag.
Post by: Darth Cupcake on April 30, 2008, 07:34:05 pm
Nigel is my new hero, replacing Nigel who was also my old hero.

I agree with this statement.
Title: Re: The Art of the Brag.
Post by: Jasper on April 30, 2008, 08:17:03 pm
You don't Get It, but how could you?  I'm not so much a black box as a black soup.  When you eat me, the meat and organs falls off your bones and becomes gritty black ichor to make more soup.  You're glue, but not because I'm rubber, but because I then boil your bones and MAKE GLUE.  You dig?!  Your only hope is to commit suicide in my honor, because Cabbage Hell is a real place that I will send you at the first sign of impudence.   Golden eagles do my bidding, because if they disobey I hurl deer at them, killing them in midair.  I am the illegitimate son of  my grandchildren, and the resulting strange loop causes me to never stop, ever.  I once ate a black hole and shat it out on the other side of itself.  The Gods pray to me, in vain, for they have sinned against me.
Title: Re: The Art of the Brag.
Post by: Mesozoic Mister Nigel on April 30, 2008, 10:00:18 pm
 :thanks:
Title: Re: The Art of the Brag.
Post by: Jasper on April 30, 2008, 10:13:56 pm
It was better than mine, but I've been playing it humble too long.
Title: Re: The Art of the Brag.
Post by: Mesozoic Mister Nigel on April 30, 2008, 11:09:05 pm
Golden eagles do my bidding, because if they disobey I hurl deer at them, killing them in midair.
This is brilliant!
Title: Re: The Art of the Brag.
Post by: hoopla on April 30, 2008, 11:40:22 pm
KNEEL BEFORE HOOPLA, PLANET HOUSTON!!

Get this straight: I wasn't born, I KICKED my way out of my mother!  At six months old I called Kerry Thornley to inform him that Robert Anton Wilson was his CIA babysitter, he cried like Eliot Spitzer, while I guffawed loudly, smoking a cigar.  The Moon used to have a fancy name, probably some Roman shit, but I said CUT THE CRAP!  IT'S JUST A FUCKING MOON, AND THAT IS WHAT IT SHALL BE NAMED HENCEFORTH!  And, so it was.  I got Rael into clits.  Canada and the USA used to be one country, but I demanded that a physical line be drawn between me and Sanjaya Malakar, hence Canada was born.  As a side note, I fathered every child currently born in Canada.  I made Barbara Walters cry.  Don't believe that piece-of-shit Hollywood movie: Forrest Gump was running away from ME.  The reason Captain Beefheart doesn't perform anymore is because I locked in my bathroom, so I can listen to him sing while in the bathtub, bathing in the tears of children.  I demanded Cat Stevens become a radical Muslim, as a LARF, he wanted to be a Scientologist.  The face on Mars is actually a portrait of me.  Bea Arthur was a beautiful model, until I sucked the life out of her, to put into my Sea Monkeys... they later became the group The Monkees: blame Bea not me. I raped Mike Tyson. I piss Dr. Pepper.  

So there.
Title: Re: The Art of the Brag.
Post by: Manta Obscura on December 16, 2008, 02:39:15 pm
Bump, for good thread-ness and the chance to brag. Also . . .

I bump because I deserve to do so. Not because I have done something to be rewarded the right to do so, but because I have the balls to bump a years' old thread without reserve. For I am a reward to this world unto myself.

You think you know eloquence? Ha! You have not seen its face until you have looked headlong into my tangled web of words. I spin stories and create realities with an effort less than the breath of fleas, and with a superiority higher than the greatest psalm sung by Anansi.

Walt Whitman sung a song of himself, resounding his mighty yawp above the rooftops of the world. I, however, do not give in to that crass bullshit, for I know that my tiniest whisper shall be carried upon chaotic winds throughout the earth. Like the wings of the butterfly, my subtlest words fell the invisible dominos of creation and destruction, one word raising winds and sinking ships, and another breath heralding the first newborn cry of all the infants born beneath the break and fall of the shimmering sun.

I make no claims of power or glory, for one who already owns something no longer proclaims it his. It just is.

I mark the hours by my dreams, the minutes by my quickened heartbeat in the throes of impassioned fervor, the seconds by the steady bolero of my breath sustaining life to the once-and-ever Beautiful One, he whose thoughts are too grand for the cosmos, whose passion too warm for the cold heat of a thousand suns, and whose gentle knowledge and timeless grace too great a gift to the world, which watches on in wonder as these things come to pass, as glorious things awaken within me and because of me, stretching open wider than the maw of God.
Title: Re: The Art of the Brag.
Post by: Chairman Risus on August 21, 2010, 09:50:39 pm
It's high time this got dredged back up.