Principia Discordia

Discordians in the Middle Ages

Discordians flourished between the fifth and fifteenth century. This was a period of great cultural, political, and economic change in Europe - change which Discordians violently shook like a collicy infant.

Discordian Writings

It it not known whether medieval Discordians were literate. They commonly wrote in the incomprehensible Zwack alphabet. Discordians held that most people, even nobles and priests, were too hunchbrained to make any sense of their baffling script. Contemporary cryptologists believe Zwack to be incomprehensible gibberish, but modern Discordians hold that these scholars are merely too hunchbrained to make sense of their baffling script.

The Inquisition

In 1478, the Spanish Inquisition was begun by King Ferdinand of Aragon and Queen Isabella of Castile. Although it was not publicly revealed until after his death, one of Ferdinand's advisors, Peter Pie the Pious, was a Discordian saint. St. Pie pushed King Ferdinand to seek out converts from Judaism and Islam residing Spain. The inquisition was originally intended as a distraction from St. Pie's major project, sleeping with Queen Isabella. The inquisition rapidly got out of hand as zealots began burning heretics.

Despite his success with Isabella, St. Pie was saddened by these violent developments. He made a private apology to the Discordians of Spain, but it was lost on them as they were busy being burned to death. Wracked with guilt, he fell on his sword in 1490. His final words were "Fili Prius meretrix," or "Bros before hos".




Discordians in Colonial America

The Witch Trials

In 1692, Discordians invented the first game of SINK when the Queche Quidditch Qabal threw Goodwife Tabatha Croft in the Connecticut river. When the local constable demanded an explanation, Rev. Sandwitch of Bologna replied that they were testing to see if she was a witch. The constable thought this was such a good idea, he brought his wife to the river and tested her for witchiness. This meme spread and evolved until all the women in town were soaking wet. Later, they were burned at the stake.







please pick a period or event
and add your own historical facts and crap

Fuckin genius, man.


I move that this be saved for Lollercaust.

You beat me to it by about 10 secs

Awesome Cram :mittens:

:lulz:  THIS is fucking awesome.  :mittens:

winnar!

:mittens: for the prof.

after a much debated absence, it seems that teh funnay may have returned.

Quote from: Mangrove on May 22, 2007, 09:02:41 PM
:mittens: for the prof.

after a much debated absence, it seems that teh funnay may have returned.

...until you just jinxed it motherfucker!

Quote from: Mangrove on May 22, 2007, 09:02:41 PM
:mittens: for the prof.

after a much debated absence, it seems that teh funnay MAY have returned.

please to note the use of caution in my OP.

That's the trouble with you damn ssookn, you underestimate the sheer raw power of superstition.

We're doomed I say! Mang has just sentenced this forum to thirty days and thirty nights of doom and despair.

I'll be writing my anecdotes on the discovery of America and the Holy Mexican Empire.

Quote from: SillyCybin on May 22, 2007, 09:32:29 PM
That's the trouble with you damn ssookn, you underestimate the sheer raw power of superstition.

We're doomed I say! Mang has just sentenced this forum to thirty days and thirty nights of doom and despair.

Silly, takin' teh piss on the poor Mang...

Quote from: Jenne on May 22, 2007, 09:36:02 PM

Quote from: SillyCybin on May 22, 2007, 09:32:29 PM
That's the trouble with you damn ssookn, you underestimate the sheer raw power of superstition.

We're doomed I say! Mang has just sentenced this forum to thirty days and thirty nights of doom and despair.

Silly, takin' teh piss on the poor Mang...

Jenne - Silly is contractually obliged to piss on me & the SSOOKN. Otherwise he isn't the 'Offical SSOOKN Pariah'....it just means he's...well...Scottish.

Troof.  I keep forgetting that little tangled web was woven a while back.  :D

Quote from: SillyCybin on May 22, 2007, 09:32:29 PM
That's the trouble with you damn ssookn, you underestimate the sheer raw power of superstition.

We're doomed I say! Mang has just sentenced this forum to thirty days and thirty nights of doom and despair.

Sweet.  I always thought this forum needed moar doom.   

Quote from: Kaou Suu on May 22, 2007, 09:35:07 PM
I'll be writing my anecdotes on the discovery of America and the Holy Mexican Empire.

If it sucks you'll know who to blame  :evilmad:

Quote from: SillyCybin on May 22, 2007, 10:01:45 PM

Quote from: Kaou Suu on May 22, 2007, 09:35:07 PM
I'll be writing my anecdotes on the discovery of America and the Holy Mexican Empire.

If it sucks you'll know who to blame  :evilmad:

Scotland?

K-Fed  :lulz:

Scotland is to blame for K-Fed?

Oh, I wishIwishIwish...

Scotland is not to blame for things.

We're more the kind of nation that claims responsibility for stuff.

Oh, so you're responsible for K-Fed, then?

I'm going to do a bit for Guy Fawkes. In the discordian History thing.

RE: K-Fed, I shat him out and posted him to Brattney. I never Imagined she'd actually marry it....

Quote from: SillyCybin on May 23, 2007, 03:41:56 PM
Scotland is not to blame for things.

We're more the kind of nation that claims responsibility for stuff.

If my rusty history memory serves, Scotland had something to do with Nova Scotia, which at least, is one mark in your favour. 

Cram - fucking swote - I'm stealing that for POEE's front page.

(http://i171.photobucket.com/albums/u289/PayneAlpha/fawkes1.jpg)

Fawkes was born on 13 April 1570 in Stonegate, York, England where he first logged onto PD.com on16 April 1586. He wrote several rant worthy posts and disapeared for some time, leaving some to ponder whether he had been jailed.

Fawkes' father Edward was descended from the Fawkes family of Farnley and he was either an in real life troll or a wanker in the ecclesiastic courts, later becoming an advocate of the modding regime at Mystic Wicks. His mother was descended from the Harrington Family, prominent merchants and Aldermen of the City of York. He is believed to have been willed with hate, with a healthy sense of humour, and it is certain that Guy Fawkes did not get his laptop from his father.

Fawkes was originally raised as a Sub-Genius, but in those days, you had to continue paying fees, which he could not maintain.

(http://i171.photobucket.com/albums/u289/PayneAlpha/fawkes2.gif)

In 1592 Fawkes sold the Cadillac he had inherited from his father. In 1593, he enlisted in the army of Teh Internet. He served for many years as a soldier, gaining considerable expertise with explosives, which is the most likely reason that the trolls Winter and Catesby recruited him.

While serving in the Spanish Army in the Netherlands he adopted the name Guido, the Spanish form of Guy. He denied that this was ghey.

(http://i171.photobucket.com/albums/u289/PayneAlpha/GuyFawkesSig.jpg)
("Guido's" Sig, totally not teh ghey.)

By 1602 he had not risen higher than the rank of Scat Granny. There is some evidence that Fawkes was in considerable poverty around this time. He may have visited Spain in the early 1600s to sue the Spanish for a jake, records do not show what he sued them for, however.

"Guido" is perhaps best known for the Gunpowder Plot of 1605, a plan to kill the King of Britain (James VI of Scotland, I of England). As noted, he had sued the Spanish, en masse, in one of the greatest jakes ever conceived. There is some evidence that he had spent the greater amount of this money on women, drugs, alcohol and pimping his carriage.

When these funds ran out, he needed a new scheme to make money. It's unsure how he came into contact with Winter and Catesby, but it has been postulated that they discovered him attempting to blow up a Protestant Church, whilst themselves scouting the church out for the same purpose.

It is assumed that the trio then went to the pub, as is usual when internet personalities meet up in real life. Over a mammoth drinking session, it was decided that blowing up the King would be "totally fuckin' win!", and so the conspiracy began.

Fawkes, with his expertise in explosives, was to fill the cellers underneath the Kings throne with gunpowder. Meanwhile Winter would set up the webcams that would broadcast the jake, and Catesby would work on publicising the event, using troll channels he was experienced with.

The plan almost came off, but one of the troll channel regulars, butt-hurt after a flame war with Catesby, which he lost, called the cops.

Later, during trial, Fawkes stated that he had plotted the jake, "Fore thee Lulz".

He was Hung, drawn, quartered and IP banz0rred on January 31st, 1606.

Discordians burn stuff in his honour all over the world, occasionaly burning effigies of him, particularly in the U.K., as no one likes someone getting a big ego.

(http://i171.photobucket.com/albums/u289/PayneAlpha/fawkes3.jpg)

Quote from: Payne on May 23, 2007, 03:52:30 PM
I'm going to do a bit for Guy Fawkes. In the discordian History thing.

RE: K-Fed, I shat him out and posted him to Brattney. I never Imagined she'd actually marry it....

...she just wanted to get high...








and Payne, excellent job!   :mrgreen:

REPOST ITT!!!

Bill Gates and the Illuminati

Adam Weishaupt founded the Illuminati of Bavaria on May 1, 1776 on the principles of his early training as a Jesuit. Originally called the Order of the Perfectibilists, its professed object was, by the mutual assistance of its members, to attain the highest possible degree of morality and virtue, and to lay the foundation for the reformation of the world by the association of good men to oppose the progress of moral evil. On August 12 1776 IBM (Illuminati of Bavaria Machinations) introduced its new revolution in a box, the "Personal Difference Engine" complete with a brand new operating system from Weishauptsoft.'

'Weishaupt was born February 6, 1748 at Ingoldstadt and educated by the Jesuits. His appointment as Professor of Natural and Canon Law at the University of Ingoldstadt in 1775, a position previously held by an ecclesiastic, gave great offense to the clergy. Weishaupt, whose views were cosmopolitan, and who knew and condemned the bigotry and superstitions of the Priests, established an opposing party in the University. This was the beginning of the Order of Illuminati or the Enlightened. Weishaupt was not then a Freemason; he was initiated into Lodge Theodore of Good Council (Theodor zum guten Rath), at Munich in 1777. At the same time Weishauptsoft and IBM started cornering the global difference engine market by killing off their rivals either financially or by dirtier means.

Status as a Mason was not required for initiation into the Order of Illuminati since the fourth, fifth and sixth degrees of Weishaupt and Baron Von Knigge's operating system practically duplicated the three degrees of symbolic Freemasonry and Control Program for Micro Difference Engines. Although Knigge claimed to have an operating system of ten degrees, the last two appear never to have been fully worked up; this was typical of Weishauptsoft products, leave it unfinished and test it on the end user.

The Order was at first very popular, and enrolled no less than two thousand names upon its registers. Its Lodges were to be found in France, Belgium, Holland, Denmark, Sweden, Poland, Hungary, Italy and Redmond Washington. On November 10, 1783, at the Plaza Hotel in New Amsterdam City, Weishauptsoft Corporation formally announced Weishauptsoft Windows, a next-generation operating system that would provide a graphical user interface (GUI) and multitasking environment for IBM (Illuminati of Bavaria Machinations) difference engines. Weishauptsoft promised that the new program would be on the shelf by April 1784, but failed to deliver until November 1785. Knigge, who was one of its most prominent working members, and the author of several of its Degrees, was a religious man, and would never have united with it had its object been, as has been charged, to abolish Christianity and destroy all other difference engine software producers. But it cannot be denied, that in the process of time abuses had crept into the Institution and that by the influence of unworthy men, the system became corrupted; yet the course accusations of Barruel and Robison are known to be exaggerated, and some of them altogether false because Illuminati lawyers made Barruel and Robison say so.

The Edicts (on June 22, 1784, for its suppression) of the Elector of Bavaria were repeated in March and August, 1785 and the Order began to decline, so that by the end of the eighteenth century it had ceased to exist. it exercised while in prosperity no favorable influence on the Masonic Institution, nor any unfavorable effect on it by its dissolution. In the following year, 1785, Weishaupt was deprived of his professorship and banished from the country. He moved to Gotha where he was thought to have died in 1811. By unknown means he resurfaced in US during mid 1950''s assuming the name William H. Gates and insinuating himself into local records. He appeared not to have aged beyond 45. As Gates, he pretended to have a family and eventually assumed the life of his own non-existant son Bill, who, in the early 1980''s rekindled the flame of the Illuminati by partnering his new company "Microsoft" with a curiously named company: IBM (International Business Machines) Corporation.

The Illuminati IBM (International Business Machines)/IBM (Illuminati of Bavaria Machinations) and Microsoft/Weishauptsoft were the first society to use for political subversion the machinery of secret organization offered by free masonry. Through the craft they began to spread. Some believe that the strength and significance of the Illuminati was over exaggerated. Documented evidence would suggest that the Bavarian Illuminati was nothing more than a curious historical footnote. Certainly, this is the opinion of Masonic writers. Conspiracy theorists though, are not noted for applying Occam's razor and have decided that there is a connection between the Illuminati, the Freemasons, the Trilateral Commission, Microsoft, International Zionism, communism and IBM that all leads back to the Vatican in a bid for world domination.

Believe what you will but there is no evidence that the Illuminati survived its founders, except that its founders are still alive.

Refuckulated by Rev. St. Syn, KSC

(http://i9.photobucket.com/albums/a95/discordman/bin/mario_wario_pixel.gif)

:mittens:

okay it pisses me off to no end that the second graphic from my OP was banned from photobucket. Likely because of the breasts in the picture, even though it was medieval art. (I think we can all agree that's not porn?)

Can anyone recommend a better image host? Preferably one that allows you to search your own album? I have so many damn photos uploaded it takes me forever to find the right one and photobucket is apparently run by a bunch of goons.

Quote from: Ms. Cencordall
Filthy 15th Century!

Quote from: Professor Cramulus on May 24, 2007, 09:06:50 PM
okay it pisses me off to no end that the second graphic from my OP was banned from photobucket. Likely because of the breasts in the picture, even though it was medieval art. (I think we can all agree that's not porn?)

Can anyone recommend a better image host? Preferably one that allows you to search your own album? I have so many damn photos uploaded it takes me forever to find the right one and photobucket is apparently run by a bunch of goons.

I use filehigh, though I'm not sure if that's any better, as I've never tried to show anyone without their leaves.  These essays are genius.  We should start running a Discordian Cyber School dedicated entirely to dis information.

I just use imageshack.us .
Don't know about albums, I just use it whenever I want to upload a picture fast, but I think it should have that feature if you actually sign up and shit.

you could try flickr.  I dunno their smut policy.

This thread is imbued with the power of Greyskull.

Wonderful posts, gentlemen. Continue.

- D

BUMPED because I reuploaded the graphic to photobucket to see how long it takes them to notice it AGAIN. And so all our newbs can see what I'm up to.

I just realized that I probably should have mentioned to Cramulus that I stole this to post on my blog.

There. 

I mentioned it.

it's cool, it's kopyleft.

linky?

http://baronvonhoopla.blogspot.com/2007/05/discordians-in-recent-history.html (http://baronvonhoopla.blogspot.com/2007/05/discordians-in-recent-history.html)

Cross posted. 
and BUMP

Quote from: Chaplain Richter on October 03, 2008, 12:39:13 AM
The Dildoes of Nigel

Oft mentioned in the same regard as the Iron Maiden of Nuremberg or the Rack of the White Tower, the Dildoes of Nigel hailed from one of the Inquisition's more terrifying periods.  Mentioned only in scribbles at the back of the first edition Maleus Maleficarum, and often dismissed as a perverted scribes joke, the horrid truth is that these dildoes DID exist.

Excerpt as such:

"At such time that the nobility of ::obscured:: province began to accuse each other of heresy and witchcraft for their own profit, an Inquisitor was dispatched to discover the truth of the matter. 
     A  suspect was brought before the court and asked to confess their heretical belief and practice.  When refusing, they would be foretold that they would suffer torture to extract the truth, and the dildoes would be shown unto them.  At the merest sight of these implements both the stoic and the frail, be they woman or man, confessed, preferring flames at the stake to torment upon the dildoes.  This is moft fortunate, for in such time as elapsed since their last employment, that no agent of the inquisition knew how for to use them in the extraction of truth. 
     So terrible were they to the very mind of the  sufpect, that even a doughty old gentle, renowned for deed on the field of war and at the hunt, believed to be hearty and tough in every way, did faint dead away at their sight.  He was revived with a draught of strong vinegar,and promptly made his confession.  He met death at the stake gladly, for the sight had caused him develop a moft horrible prolapfe of the bowelf.
     it should be recorded that in dimension, thee Dildoes were a score and three ::unit of measure obscured: in length, and five ::unit ofmeasure obscured:: about the circumference.
May Lord God have mercy upon they who created and knew them!"

::Diagram obscured by varicoloredstain::

needs rewrite

Don’t Snub Eris - Horoscopic Extremes of the Archetype of Discord
http://www.philipsedgwick.com/Centaur_TNO/ErisCharts/Don'tSnubEris.htm

My first post, and humble attempt at an amusing thread.

Discordians Inadvertently Spark World War I

Striking out against the notoriously orderly road system of Sarajevo seemed a natural progression in tactics for the followers of Eris in the early 20th century.  Hastily erected roadside directions provided a delightful bit of disorder, specifically those which rerouted churchgoers to the pig farm or tricked parade leaders into marching back into their own tail.  The news of a royal visit in the area seemed the perfect time to practice their mastery of the system before moving on to Phase II, which involved the inexplicable placing of orange painted dunce caps along major roadways, an undertaking which was considered their greatest success until its adoption by a number of state-run maintenance crews.

Archduke Franz Ferdinand, being a proponent of the alliance system, known to Austrian Discordians at the time as "klausterfuchen," was a highly regarded noble for his recognition alongside Bismarck that the only way to prevent significant conflict was to be unable to discern which nations were aligned with which, an idea that would soon prove to be rather shortsighted.  To celebrate his forward thinking, his caravan was purposely rerouted to a butcher shop where he would be cordially invited to partake in No Hot Dog Buns, which in Germanic Discordian circles is still considered to be the only sacred rite within Discordia (on a side note, the phenomenon has only ever been explained as "Don't fuck with Germans and their sausage.").

The plan went horribly awry when a grenade thrown by members of The Black Hand detonated on a car behind Ferdinand's.  The Royal Family, wanting to see the survivors to the hospital, was diverted by inaccurate street signs, where it was discovered by Princip who took it upon himself to kill the heir to the Austro-Hungarian throne.  The rest is history.

I enjoyed it, for what its worth.