ITT: We post terrible jokes.
For example:
What's red and smells like blue paint?
Red paint.
What's red and is bad for your teeth?
A brick.
Ok, now you!
Want to hear a dirty joke?
Two white horses fell in a mud puddle.
knock knock
Who's there?
Quote from: Richter on September 22, 2009, 05:27:15 PM
Want to hear a dirty joke?
Two white horses fell in a mud puddle.
Want to hear a clean joke?
Their owner washed them.
Uhm, Achmed the Deat Terrorist?
AEIOU
IAUOE
vowel movement
Who's on First?
First baseman.
Why is shit tapered at the ends?
So your asshole doesn't slam shut.
How do you get two whales in a car?
Join the M4 westbound and cross the Severn Bridge.
see also: http://www.principiadiscordia.com/forum/index.php?topic=18554.msg615564#msg615564
See also www.punoftheday.com
Stupid bastards don't know a good pun when they see it.
Quote from: Cramulus on September 22, 2009, 08:47:35 PM
see also: http://www.principiadiscordia.com/forum/index.php?topic=18554.msg615564#msg615564
:lulz:
What's the difference between chopped beef and pea soup?
Everyone can chop beef, but not everyone can pea soup!
what's worse than finding a worm in your apple?
the holocaust.
A magician goes into a talent agency, and asks if the agent can get him work.
"I don't know, you're not one of those traditional magicians are you, we usually want something a bit more edgy," the agent replies.
"Well mainly what I do," says the magician, "is take old tricks and put a new twist on them. For instance, do you know the pulling the rabbit out of a hat trick?"
"Of course, how do change that?"
"Well," explains the magician, "instead of that, I pull a hair out of my ass."
Quote from: Rumckle on September 24, 2009, 04:54:58 PM
A magician goes into a talent agency, and asks if the agent can get him work.
"I don't know, you're not one of those traditional magicians are you, we usually want something a bit more edgy," the agent replies.
"Well mainly what I do," says the magician, "is take old tricks and put a new twist on them. For instance, do you know the pulling the rabbit out of a hat trick?"
"Of course, how do change that?"
"Well," explains the magician, "instead of that, I pull a hair out of my ass."
http://www.freegongbutton.com/
:argh!:
How many conservatives does it take to change a light bulb?
The old one was fine. You must be some kind of pinko commie socialist liberal if you want to change it.
How many liberals does it take to change a light bulb?
Only strong government regulation can save us from a recurrence of the "burned out light-bulb" problem.
How many centrists does it take to change a light bulb?
The light bulb problem is caused by the ideological rift in our society between left and right, and if only people were more reasonable it would have been changed long ago.
How many feminists does it take to change a light bulb?
Why do I have to change the light bulb?
How many libertarians does it take to change a light bulb?
Don't worry about it. Market forces will take care of it.
How many environmentalists does it take to change a light bulb?
No light bulb, no carbon emissions. It's better if you don't change it.
:lulz:
How many marxists does it take to change a lightbulb?
Zero. The lightbulb contains the seeds of its own revolution.
How many lojban speakers does it take to change a lightbulb?
Six. One to remove the old bulb, and five to determine what type of bulb emits broken light.
How many mathematicians does it take to change a lightbulb?
One. He hands it to zero marxists and reduces it to a trivial problem.
A physicist, a biologist, and a mathematician are sitting in a cafe, watching the house across the street. They see one person enter, and a long time later, they see two people come out.
The physicist says "Experimental error."
The biologist says "They must have reproduced."
The mathematician says "If one more person enters the house, it will be empty."
SO A SEAL WALKS INTO A CLUB AND VOIDS THE WARRANTY!
P.S. SHUT THE FUCK UP ENKII!
Two old ladies meet up at the park, one says to the other one, "Did you come on the bus?" and the other says "Yeah, but I made it look like an asthma attack!"
A man runs into the vet’s office carrying his dog, screaming for help. The vet rushes him back to an examination room and has him put his dog down on the examination table. The vet examines the still, limp body and after a few moments, tells the man that his dog, regrettably, is dead. The man, clearly agitated and not willing to accept this, demands a second opinion.
The vet goes into the back room and comes out with a cat and puts the cat down next to the dog’s body. The cat sniffs the body, walks from head to tail, poking and sniffing the dog’s body and finally looks at the vet and meows.
The vet looks at the man and says, “I’m sorry, but the cat thinks that your dog is dead, too.”
The man, finally resigned to the diagnosis, thanks the vet and asks how much he owes. The vet answers, “$350.”
“$350 to tell me my dog is dead?!” exclaims the man.
“Well,” the vet replies, “I would only have charged you $50 for my initial diagnosis. The additional $300 was for the cat scan.”
:lulz:
Cram you are a saint for bumping this.
Also, I think Hustle once told me a variation of this one:
So a panda walks into a Chinese restaurant, waits politely at the register and is promptly seated by a young attractive Asian woman.
The woman tells the panda that someone will be with him in a moment and asks him if he would like anything to drink.
The panda gestures to the empty porcelain tea cup sitting on the table.
"Tea?"
The panda nods.
The woman calls to a young man in an apron for hot water and a tea bag. The young man fixes the panda some tea and asks him what he would like to eat.
The panda taps his paw on a picture of bamboo chutes and some leaves.
The young man nods, "Right away sir."
The panda sips his tea contentedly, waiting patiently for his food.
The panda notices an elaborate fish tank, filled with a myriad of brightly colored tropical fish. He gazes at the tank, mesmerized by the display.
A slender redheaded woman with beautiful green eyes smiles at the panda. Panda waves. She giggles.
About 10 minutes later the young man brings out the panda's food.
The panda enjoys his meal and hot tea. The service is excellent.
The young man asks the panda if he is ready for the check.
The panda nods and the man rushes off to fetch his check.
Suddenly, the panda draws two .45 caliber Colt 1911A1 pistols and opens fire on the employees and patrons. He quickly and efficiently murders every last soul in the restaurant. The chefs, the bus boys, that sexy redhead, he even takes out the goddamn fish tank! The grisly event is nothing short of terrifying.
The panda then calmly leaves, tossing a $20 bill onto the bloodied receipt for his food.
Panda disappears.
A few minutes later, patrol cars are on the scene. Then detectives. Then the media. Soon everyone knows about the horrific slaughter that took place at the Chinese restaurant over at the plaza downtown.
The police seal off the restaurant and insist that everyone keep their distance.
After a few hours the police chief emerges from the restaurant and informs the throng of television, radio and newspaper reporters that he is ready to issue a statement.
As the chief is met with a barrage of question from the rabid media mob he raises his hands and calls for silence.
He steps up to the make-shift podium held aloft by some packing crates and clears his throat.
"We know who committed this heinous act and we are about to apprehend the suspect."
Another onslaught of questions erupts. Again, the chief asks for silence.
"In all my years of law enforcement I have never seen so brutal an assault from such an unlikely assailant. This was not the work of any man. This was the work of... a panda!"
His statement is met with incredulity from the press as well as the citizens gathered to gawk at the scene.
A reporter from the local daily breaks the stunned silence, "What makes you think it was a panda?"
The chief holds up the bloody receipt and states in an unusually shaky voice, "Because pandas eat, chutes and leaves."
I love the classics.
Wow. Just wow.
Well in that case...
What's brown and sticky?
A stick.
~
How many rabid feminists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
That's NOT funny.
Quote from: Brotep on October 20, 2009, 04:33:57 PM
How many rabid feminists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
That's NOT funny.
That's NOT funny!
-toa,
felt obligated ;)
Quote from: the other anonymous on October 20, 2009, 04:59:00 PM
Quote from: Brotep on October 20, 2009, 04:33:57 PM
How many rabid feminists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
That's NOT funny.
That's NOT funny!
-toa,
felt obligated ;)
That's not funny.
-tripzilch,
what everybody was thinking.
Quote from: Triple Zero on October 20, 2009, 05:30:04 PM
Quote from: the other anonymous on October 20, 2009, 04:59:00 PM
Quote from: Brotep on October 20, 2009, 04:33:57 PM
How many rabid feminists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
That's NOT funny.
That's NOT funny!
-toa,
felt obligated ;)
That's not funny.
-tripzilch,
what everybody was thinking.
That's not funny!
-toa,
beating a dead horse
I'ma go ahead and laugh.
Also, the stick joke is my favorite joke of all time.
So a man takes his chronically ill wife to the doctor. The doctor examines her, and comes out to tell the husband the verdict. He says, "I'm so sorry, but your wife either has AIDS or Alzheimers." The man is beside himself. He says "Doctor, what do I do?"
The doctor says, "Take her out to the middle of the woods and leave her there. If she finds her way home, don't fuck her."
A man on his deathbed calls his wife to his side.
"Honey, before I die, I have to confess, I cheated on you for 20 years". The woman responds, "I know that, silly, why do you think I poisoned your coffee?"
A guy walks into a doctor's office and says, "Doctor, I think I might be crazy. I think I'm a teepee, then I think I'm a wigwam, then I think I'm a teepee, then a wigwam." The doctor leans back in his chair and says, "I see your problem. You're too tents."
Hey Roger.....
Do you like fishsticks?
Two women are riding bicycles down an old street in Rome.
One of them says, "Hmm... I've never come this way before."
The other replies, "It's the cobblestones, dear. They get me every time."
A penguin is driving along one day when his car breaks down, so he brings it to the nearest auto shop. The mechanic says it'll be a little while, so the penguin goes out for some ice cream. Nothing fancy around, so he gets some soft-serve vanilla in a cone.
It's really hot outside, so the ice cream starts to drip all over the penguin's face. Figuring enough time has elapsed, he goes back to the auto shop.
Stepping out from the car, the mechanic says, "Looks like you blew a seal."
"No, no, it's just ice cream."
heard this one from Burns:
What do you call a midget prison escapee who communicates with the dead?
A small medium at large.
Quote from: Brotep on October 22, 2009, 05:56:34 AM
"No, no, it's just ice cream."
ICECREAM
YUOSCREAM
WESCREAM
(http://img44.imageshack.us/img44/2695/101418446389ae563d6.jpg)
A guy sees a help wanted sign in the window of the porn shop and goes in. The boss is pleased someone is interested in the job and hires him on the spot. Shows him how the register works real quick, says everything has a price tag on it then leaves.
The first customer is a lady that has obviously never been in a sex shop. She is looking to buy a vibrator. She start small at first and ask how much is that little pink one. The clerk says "its 19.99". She looks at and decides it will not do the job and hands it back to the clerk.
How much is that shinny chrome model? The clerk says that is the silver rocket and it is 29.99. Then she notices the big black one on the next self and ask about the price. The clerk says, thats the black mamba and it cost a whopping 49.99. She is just about to purchase the black one when she notices a huge red/plaid model sitting at the end of the counter.
When she inquires about the price the clerk can not find one so he just say $100 of the top of his head and she says "I'll take it".
A few minutes latter the boss returns and ask "How did it go while I was out?"
The clerk says "I not sure about all this porn stuff, but I got $100 for your Thermos"
Today I bumped all of the bad joke threads.