Squid,
All too much has been said in the media recently, concerning teenage sex and the perils thereof. It occurs to me, though, that nobody is talking about the perils of middle age sex.
When you get to be my age, things go terribly wrong in the sack. Bits that should be stationary aren't, orifices backfire at random like a badly tuned diesel engine, and there's a sound like a wet bathtowel slapping the wall that you just can't pin down. Shit flops around in ways that can cause hernias, and weird odors pop up that would be more appropriate in an automotive garage. Stuff that should stay dry gets wet, and shit that should be wet stays dry, and if you try to do any of the FUN shit, you wind up explaining embarrassing things to paramedics.
No, it's all too hideous to contemplate, and what's worse is the prospect of what things will be like in, say, another 25 years. We'll all have wrinkles, and the sheer exertion will allow trapped material to escape from those wrinkles like so much glory hole squeezings. Horrible, horrible.
So when my kid tells me he's going out on a date with Suzy Roundheels this weekend, what could I do? I tossed him $10 for condoms and I just hope he has a good time before he too has a body with the strength and consistency of stale bread.
Youth is, indeed, wasted on the young.
Okay for now,
Roger
Wait, is Suzy Roundheels cheating on me?
:cry:
I think you did exactly what a parent should do.
Nobody can stop a teenager from doing what no parent really wants to ever think about, but providing them with the means to be careful and responsible is the best thing you can do.
When the time comes, I'm gonna have to do the same thing myself.
Just suck it up and realize that "he isn't my little baby anymore" and all that shit.
And drilling "no glove no love" into their heads at an early age is a good idea.
:mittens: to the OP! :lulz:
Quote from: Cramulus on October 06, 2009, 05:00:09 PM
:mittens: to the OP! :lulz:
There are some things so horrible that they
must be said.
You bastards have no idea what's in store for you.
Quote from: The Good Reverend Roger on October 06, 2009, 05:08:43 PM
Quote from: Cramulus on October 06, 2009, 05:00:09 PM
:mittens: to the OP! :lulz:
There are some things so horrible that they must be said.
You bastards have no idea what's in store for you.
I am so afraid of that. I've been afraid of that for a long time.
WHY DID YOU HAVE TO REMIND ME, ROG. I WAS HAPPY IN MY INNOCENCE.
Don't let it scare you...
Allow the coming FAPOCALYPSE to free you!
Quote from: Darth Cupcake on October 06, 2009, 05:15:30 PM
Quote from: The Good Reverend Roger on October 06, 2009, 05:08:43 PM
Quote from: Cramulus on October 06, 2009, 05:00:09 PM
:mittens: to the OP! :lulz:
There are some things so horrible that they must be said.
You bastards have no idea what's in store for you.
I am so afraid of that. I've been afraid of that for a long time.
WHY DID YOU HAVE TO REMIND ME, ROG. I WAS HAPPY IN MY INNOCENCE.
It is not the job of Holy Men™ to tell you pleasant lies.
By the way, you forgot the part about your joints popping and creaking like a five-gallon bucket of Rice Krispies.
Thank YOU Lemon Party.
Quote from: LMNO on October 06, 2009, 05:22:46 PM
By the way, you forgot the part about your joints popping and creaking like a five-gallon bucket of Rice Krispies firecrackers.
Edited for accuracy.
I fully intend to beat the crap out of anyone who tries to go soft on me.
I WILL NOT GIVE UP ON EXOTIC AND EXCITING SEXYTIMES UNTIL THE LAST POSSIBLE MOMENT
I WILL QUITE GODDAMN LITERALLY GO OUT WITH A BANG
ANYONE WHO FALLS BEHIND, STAYS BEHIND, AND NOT IN THE SEXY WAY. JUST IN THE NOT-GETTING-ANY-WAY
MY USE OF CAPS IS INDICATIVE OF MY VIGOR IN THE BEDROOM
THAT'S THE SPIRIT!
Quote from: Darth Cupcake on October 06, 2009, 05:30:59 PM
I fully intend to beat the crap out of anyone who tries to go soft on me.
I WILL NOT GIVE UP ON EXOTIC AND EXCITING SEXYTIMES UNTIL THE LAST POSSIBLE MOMENT
I WILL QUITE GODDAMN LITERALLY GO OUT WITH A BANG
ANYONE WHO FALLS BEHIND, STAYS BEHIND, AND NOT IN THE SEXY WAY. JUST IN THE NOT-GETTING-ANY-WAY
MY USE OF CAPS IS INDICATIVE OF MY VIGOR IN THE BEDROOM
Oh, we old folks still have vigor. It's just that the exertion causes us to cough up phlegmy bits on each other's chests.
Quote from: The Good Reverend Roger on October 06, 2009, 05:34:16 PM
Quote from: Darth Cupcake on October 06, 2009, 05:30:59 PM
I fully intend to beat the crap out of anyone who tries to go soft on me.
I WILL NOT GIVE UP ON EXOTIC AND EXCITING SEXYTIMES UNTIL THE LAST POSSIBLE MOMENT
I WILL QUITE GODDAMN LITERALLY GO OUT WITH A BANG
ANYONE WHO FALLS BEHIND, STAYS BEHIND, AND NOT IN THE SEXY WAY. JUST IN THE NOT-GETTING-ANY-WAY
MY USE OF CAPS IS INDICATIVE OF MY VIGOR IN THE BEDROOM
Oh, we old folks still have vigor. It's just that the exertion causes us to cough up phlegmy bits on each other's chests.
BALL GAG
Quote from: Darth Cupcake on October 06, 2009, 05:35:01 PM
Quote from: The Good Reverend Roger on October 06, 2009, 05:34:16 PM
Quote from: Darth Cupcake on October 06, 2009, 05:30:59 PM
I fully intend to beat the crap out of anyone who tries to go soft on me.
I WILL NOT GIVE UP ON EXOTIC AND EXCITING SEXYTIMES UNTIL THE LAST POSSIBLE MOMENT
I WILL QUITE GODDAMN LITERALLY GO OUT WITH A BANG
ANYONE WHO FALLS BEHIND, STAYS BEHIND, AND NOT IN THE SEXY WAY. JUST IN THE NOT-GETTING-ANY-WAY
MY USE OF CAPS IS INDICATIVE OF MY VIGOR IN THE BEDROOM
Oh, we old folks still have vigor. It's just that the exertion causes us to cough up phlegmy bits on each other's chests.
BALL GAG
That just acts as an atomizer, due to the looseness of our toothless gums. So it's like hairspray, only with chunky bits.
Quote from: The Good Reverend Roger on October 06, 2009, 05:36:10 PM
Quote from: Darth Cupcake on October 06, 2009, 05:35:01 PM
Quote from: The Good Reverend Roger on October 06, 2009, 05:34:16 PM
Quote from: Darth Cupcake on October 06, 2009, 05:30:59 PM
I fully intend to beat the crap out of anyone who tries to go soft on me.
I WILL NOT GIVE UP ON EXOTIC AND EXCITING SEXYTIMES UNTIL THE LAST POSSIBLE MOMENT
I WILL QUITE GODDAMN LITERALLY GO OUT WITH A BANG
ANYONE WHO FALLS BEHIND, STAYS BEHIND, AND NOT IN THE SEXY WAY. JUST IN THE NOT-GETTING-ANY-WAY
MY USE OF CAPS IS INDICATIVE OF MY VIGOR IN THE BEDROOM
Oh, we old folks still have vigor. It's just that the exertion causes us to cough up phlegmy bits on each other's chests.
BALL GAG
That just acts as an atomizer, due to the looseness of our toothless gums. So it's like hairspray, only with chunky bits.
You need the gag to be bigger, tied tighter. The mouth should barely be able to wrap all the way around it. You're doing it wrong, Rog.
I thought of all people, YOU would know about forcibly making someone shut the fuck up.
DC is making me all tingly in my tender bits.
Quote from: Darth Cupcake on October 06, 2009, 05:37:09 PM
Quote from: The Good Reverend Roger on October 06, 2009, 05:36:10 PM
Quote from: Darth Cupcake on October 06, 2009, 05:35:01 PM
Quote from: The Good Reverend Roger on October 06, 2009, 05:34:16 PM
Quote from: Darth Cupcake on October 06, 2009, 05:30:59 PM
I fully intend to beat the crap out of anyone who tries to go soft on me.
I WILL NOT GIVE UP ON EXOTIC AND EXCITING SEXYTIMES UNTIL THE LAST POSSIBLE MOMENT
I WILL QUITE GODDAMN LITERALLY GO OUT WITH A BANG
ANYONE WHO FALLS BEHIND, STAYS BEHIND, AND NOT IN THE SEXY WAY. JUST IN THE NOT-GETTING-ANY-WAY
MY USE OF CAPS IS INDICATIVE OF MY VIGOR IN THE BEDROOM
Oh, we old folks still have vigor. It's just that the exertion causes us to cough up phlegmy bits on each other's chests.
BALL GAG
That just acts as an atomizer, due to the looseness of our toothless gums. So it's like hairspray, only with chunky bits.
You need the gag to be bigger, tied tighter. The mouth should barely be able to wrap all the way around it. You're doing it wrong, Rog.
I thought of all people, YOU would know about forcibly making someone shut the fuck up.
That's what fists are for, and despite my many failings, I have yet to punch someone in bed.
Everything Roger has mentioned is quite true. :cry:
But.....
There are some things that must be acknowledged.....
All the fumbling and bumbling are a thing of the past. Experience, in this act really is better than enthusiasm.
It lasts more than 5 to 15 minutes. In fact with the new drugs it can go on for hours!! Viva Viagra?
While the contortions are now a thing of the past, the appreciation for the basics is renewed!
By middle age they should know how to do it so BOTH PARTIES are satisfied....
Just sayin...... It ain't ALL bad.
Who said anything about the OP ws "bad"?
Quote from: The Good Reverend Roger on October 06, 2009, 05:38:13 PM
Quote from: Darth Cupcake on October 06, 2009, 05:37:09 PM
Quote from: The Good Reverend Roger on October 06, 2009, 05:36:10 PM
Quote from: Darth Cupcake on October 06, 2009, 05:35:01 PM
Quote from: The Good Reverend Roger on October 06, 2009, 05:34:16 PM
Quote from: Darth Cupcake on October 06, 2009, 05:30:59 PM
I fully intend to beat the crap out of anyone who tries to go soft on me.
I WILL NOT GIVE UP ON EXOTIC AND EXCITING SEXYTIMES UNTIL THE LAST POSSIBLE MOMENT
I WILL QUITE GODDAMN LITERALLY GO OUT WITH A BANG
ANYONE WHO FALLS BEHIND, STAYS BEHIND, AND NOT IN THE SEXY WAY. JUST IN THE NOT-GETTING-ANY-WAY
MY USE OF CAPS IS INDICATIVE OF MY VIGOR IN THE BEDROOM
Oh, we old folks still have vigor. It's just that the exertion causes us to cough up phlegmy bits on each other's chests.
BALL GAG
That just acts as an atomizer, due to the looseness of our toothless gums. So it's like hairspray, only with chunky bits.
You need the gag to be bigger, tied tighter. The mouth should barely be able to wrap all the way around it. You're doing it wrong, Rog.
I thought of all people, YOU would know about forcibly making someone shut the fuck up.
That's what fists are for, and despite my many failings, I have yet to punch someone in bed.
I THOUGHT YOU WERE A ROMANTIC ROG
That's it, I have to stop fantasizing about you. A man that doesn't punch is only half a man. :cry:
Ye gods.
LMNO
-has to go lock his imagination in the basement, again.
Quote from: LMNO on October 06, 2009, 05:46:13 PM
Who said anything about the OP ws "bad"?
Not me, that's for sure.
Quote from: Darth Cupcake on October 06, 2009, 05:48:15 PM
I THOUGHT YOU WERE A ROMANTIC ROG
That's it, I have to stop fantasizing about you. A man that doesn't punch is only half a man. :cry:
Don't try to out-weird me in my own thread, woman!
And it does no good to fantasize about me anyway. I am far too attainable.
One thing middle-aged sex is good for is that if you always liked it kinda gross, now you get it kinda gross ALL THE TIME.
And you ALWAYS, ALWAYS have to wash the sheets afterward. And sometimes flip the mattress.
Quote from: Nigel on October 06, 2009, 06:14:22 PM
One thing middle-aged sex is good for is that if you always liked it kinda gross, now you get it kinda gross ALL THE TIME.
And you ALWAYS, ALWAYS have to wash the sheets afterward. And sometimes flip the mattress.
Hell yes.
Mattress?
My bedroom is naught but a concrete box with a hole in the middle of the floor and a hose.
Things are much more convenient, now.
:mittens:
Quote from: LMNO on October 06, 2009, 06:16:59 PM
Mattress?
My bedroom is naught but a concrete box with a hole in the middle of the floor and a hose.
Things are much more convenient, now.
And now I have an image of LMNO and Mrs. LMNO waterboarding each other and using other enhanced amorification techniques.
:thanks:
My work here is done.
I'ma With You DC!
Quote from: Darth Cupcake on October 06, 2009, 05:37:09 PM
You need the gag to be bigger, tied tighter. The mouth should barely be able to wrap all the way around it. You're doing it wrong, Rog.
I thought of all people, YOU would know about forcibly making someone shut the fuck up.
1. :aaa:
2. can you repost those pix of you with the riding crop ITT? midfap multitasking is distracting
Bump.
Because at least nobody mistook it for "fan fiction".
TGRR,
Will never resort to metaphor again.
:lulz: !
If ever an OP called for a :peedee: this was it. :lulz: