Holidays do weird things to people.
Peace on Earth. Not this earth bubba, I LIKE my strife. I thrive on it, and enjoy its cattle prod like effect tin myself and others. Something needs to propel us forwards in the high cause of un-fucking our situations. It seems like 905 of the population forgets this after a turkey day parade when a few pretty lights go up. They gaze fondly out of their car windows, dwelling content and pathic on the glory of the season. Meanwhile, I spurn them with my horn and ponder activating the death ray. The light just turned green, and they can't seem to take note.
Good will Towards men. FUCK NO. This is their assumption that I've suddenly sprouted good will. I have just as much as I have the rest of the year. No use waiting for the ideas of SantaJesusRamaChauh to become an inspiration. To clarify, I shouldn't say THE OTHERS have been inspired to good will. They've been inspired to think that I suddenly have it. This will spare them nothing, especially my front bumper to those who cut in front of me (NEVER decide to be Christian at a time when it will fuck over others. NEVER assume others will be Christian when you're about to get fucked by them.)
The radios in the stores belt out the same repetitive holiday tunes. This twisted lexicon spans few songs, and fewer are catchy or properly acceptable by the zeitgeist to add to it. Needless to say, little variation. (Sad, I used to love Transsiberian Orchestra.) Anonymous people with kettles and bells stalk the thresholds of most stores. Sometimes, weathering their detached guilt inducing view, I wish I had a Wikipedia entry on myself I could reference them to. It would be fun to see them admire, scream, and twitch at the revelation of what I've GIVEN already. The idea behind charity is you don't HAVE TO, as they seem to have forgotten. I should ask some yammering mouth of the churning Wantmonster for my optimism back sometime, but I'd only by asking the drug dulled front man, not the lofty suited regional sub-potentate who'd deserve such things.
The up side? People we like. Even the retail trench fighting motherfuckers, hard and cynical from close quarters with the masses, will have a holiday. There's some time after the horrific wind up when the rat race will grind solid for a piece. It is good, we can spend some time with the people who are worth it, maybe pass on something worth a damn to someone who's worth a damn. Sometimes, things go right. Can't prevent that.
:mittens:
I particularly like "Wantmonster." That one's going in my vocabulary.
:mittens:
Do I get extra bonus points for listening to TSO while reading it?
:mittens:
I'm in agreement on the "wantmonster" I will be adding that to regular conversations! :lulz:
Excellent rant!!!
Thanks all, and please use "Wantmonster". I like anything that digs at the truth of things like th charity industry.
...I still like TSO. Seeing them live is pretty awesome once you get past the Chris Caffery groupies and people dressed as if they're going to see a true orchestra (the year they were at PPAC there were more than enough people who were dressed to the nines, I found this odd). We've always had a good time seeing them.
We still need to unleash ourselves on the malls before I go to Florida this year.
Richter, I'd like to add that the Christmas Season begins on DECEMBER 23rd, NOT the fucking day after Thanksgiving.
The only advantage to the latter is watching the Santas fall over from heatstroke.
My family usually puts up our lights the 1st weekend in December, but the tree doesn't go up until at the earliest 2 weeks before Christmas....and the fucker comes down on January 1st. If we put it up the week of Christmas, then we take it down on Epiphany. Lights are always up until Epiphany, though.
Quote from: Suu on December 07, 2010, 04:33:59 PM
My family usually puts up our lights the 1st weekend in December, but the tree doesn't go up until at the earliest 2 weeks before Christmas....and the fucker comes down on January 1st. If we put it up the week of Christmas, then we take it down on Epiphany. Lights are always up until Epiphany, though.
What the fuck is Epiphany? Is that some weird Italian thing?
12th Night/Little Christmas. January 6th...And it's more of a Greek/Turkish/Byzantine tradition, but it's an observed Catholic/Orthodox feast day.
Traditionally in a lot of the Mediterranean countries THAT is the day you get presents, because it's the day the Magi actually visited Christ and brought the gifts. They didn't exactly teleport their asses across the desert in June. I grew up celebrating it because I was in a predominantly Greek area.
Quote from: The Good Reverend Roger on December 07, 2010, 04:19:24 PM
Richter, I'd like to add that the Christmas Season begins on DECEMBER 23rd, NOT the fucking day after Thanksgiving.
The only advantage to the latter is watching the Santas fall over from heatstroke.
To clarify then, the day they start pitching christmas. Which is another, untouched beef I have with this infernal season, but it's a common complaint.
...and what kind of sadist puts a man in a full santa suit in that heat?
Quote from: Richter on December 07, 2010, 04:48:49 PM
Quote from: The Good Reverend Roger on December 07, 2010, 04:19:24 PM
Richter, I'd like to add that the Christmas Season begins on DECEMBER 23rd, NOT the fucking day after Thanksgiving.
The only advantage to the latter is watching the Santas fall over from heatstroke.
To clarify then, the day they start pitching christmas. Which is another, untouched beef I have with this infernal season, but it's a common complaint.
...and what kind of sadist puts a man in a full santa suit in that heat?
Various charities, apparently, among other folks.
You may have noticed when I posted the pics from Daruko's visit, that there was some dude dressed up like the statue of liberty when it was 98F outside.
We're dumb like that.
They do that shit in Florida too, but at least in Florida you sweat.
Quote from: The Good Reverend Roger on December 07, 2010, 04:50:42 PM
Quote from: Richter on December 07, 2010, 04:48:49 PM
Quote from: The Good Reverend Roger on December 07, 2010, 04:19:24 PM
Richter, I'd like to add that the Christmas Season begins on DECEMBER 23rd, NOT the fucking day after Thanksgiving.
The only advantage to the latter is watching the Santas fall over from heatstroke.
To clarify then, the day they start pitching christmas. Which is another, untouched beef I have with this infernal season, but it's a common complaint.
...and what kind of sadist puts a man in a full santa suit in that heat?
Various charities, apparently, among other folks.
You may have noticed when I posted the pics from Daruko's visit, that there was some dude dressed up like the statue of liberty when it was 98F outside.
We're dumb like that.
The Wantmonster demands it's donnations be gathered with suffering and privation. They give each dollar more savor.
You hear that consumerism demands that retail establishments supply the need for all the various bits and baubles that is required (yeah ok) for Christmas. I have to ask, if just once they didn't even put out the first decoration or offer the first sale item until the second week of December, would it drive the people insane?
Marketing strategies say that you "Have to give the people what they want"! Who did they ask when they determined that mass hysteria and stampedes over sale items at ungodly hours of the morning is what the people want.
I want to meet these people and stomp the crap out of them.
I think if someone ran on the "ban holiday bullshit till the week of the holiday" platform more of America than anyone would imagine could get behind that idea.
Quote from: Richter on December 07, 2010, 02:52:33 PM
Thanks all, and please use "Wantmonster". I like anything that digs at the truth of things like th charity industry.
Maybe you could write an entry in "Modern Mythological Creatures" on the Wantmonster.
I thought I was the horrible creep of Christmas. :cry:
Quote from: Nigel on December 08, 2010, 12:57:59 AM
I thought I was the horrible creep of Christmas. :cry:
Don't be sad, there's still Easter!
Quote from: Cuddlefist on December 07, 2010, 11:44:59 PM
Quote from: Richter on December 07, 2010, 02:52:33 PM
Thanks all, and please use "Wantmonster". I like anything that digs at the truth of things like th charity industry.
Maybe you could write an entry in "Modern Mythological Creatures" on the Wantmonster.
By Khorne, it shall be done!
Quote from: Nigel on December 08, 2010, 12:57:59 AM
I thought I was the horrible creep of Christmas. :cry:
Nigel, it jsut wouldn't be christmas eve without yourface pressed against the glass, condensation attesting to your heavy breathing as our guests scream in panic.
I have to say, creep or not, dropping a severed reindeer head onto that girl's windshield as she tried to escape by car was a MASTERSTROKE. (If she couldn't laugh at that, I didn't want to date her anyways, so no hard feelings.)
Quote from: Richter on December 08, 2010, 04:38:11 AM
Quote from: Cuddlefist on December 07, 2010, 11:44:59 PM
Quote from: Richter on December 07, 2010, 02:52:33 PM
Thanks all, and please use "Wantmonster". I like anything that digs at the truth of things like th charity industry.
Maybe you could write an entry in "Modern Mythological Creatures" on the Wantmonster.
By Khorne, it shall be done!
Quote from: Nigel on December 08, 2010, 12:57:59 AM
I thought I was the horrible creep of Christmas. :cry:
Nigel, it jsut wouldn't be christmas eve without yourface pressed against the glass, condensation attesting to your heavy breathing as our guests scream in panic.
I have to say, creep or not, dropping a severed reindeer head onto that girl's windshield as she tried to escape by car was a MASTERSTROKE. (If she couldn't laugh at that, I didn't want to date her anyways, so no hard feelings.)
I'm glad you don't mind, Richter. Anyway, if you'd continued seeing her I had a special holiday treat planned for you two that would have been a lot more expensive... the Japanese have driven the price of dolphin penis through the roof! So the fact that you never heard from her again saved me a pretty penny, not to mention buying off the delivery driver.
Yeah, fun is fun, and I've have been flattered, but the expense is too much. What does one do with porpoise peen anyways?
In my case, call a few taxidermy inclined folks I know and have it cured. A pizzle whip is a NASTY tool, but would have ben fun to have around. (Though your previous exploits saved me that "Would you like to try this honey?" chat with the lady.)
Dolphin dong nonwithstanding, the reason I can't really complain about any of this aberrant and horrifying behavior, is that it's a fair retort. My acts in stocking that bowling alley's ball return with elephant testicles and "Love, Nigel" notes on Testicular Cancer Support Night was both silly and borderline libelous. I now remove my credit cards to a lockbox whenever I am drunk and on the internet.
That was sheer inspiration, Richter, and helped pave the way for that delightful sea-urchin batting-cage interlude set to Tchaikovsky's Swan Lake. Furthermore, were it not for the decaying bovine embryos you had left in my office that one spectacular Valentine's Day, I would never have had the idea to deliver 30 live, moistened, shivering koalas sprinkled in glitter and rose petals to my would-be paramour later that evening. Unfortunately, he rejected my love-gift by calling Animal Control and the local police, not realizing the futility of his evasive actions. I still have the dear boy, and I have you to thank for that. Also, thanks for the livestock shipping cages, they've really come in handy for housing recalcitrant lovers.
There's the joy of the gross act, but the fun and refinement is always in the details. Like the fact that you used MOISTENED koalas. Some people just don't think about these things.
"Don't run!", I try to warn them, "She'll take you down all the same, and she'll be HORNY."
Enjoy the cages, but please empty them before sending any back. The last one still had someone in it. I forwarded it to Enrico as a present for Salazorian Festivale, so the evidence should be taken care of. He sent me 3 chocolate covered emu as a thank you. Still alive they stampeded out and ate the noisy neighbor kids before RUINING a local boutique. The pictures are a hoot, especially the smille on Dani the Rat's face when he brought one down and dragged it into the ktichen of the local indian food join for preperation.
Wow, talk about a silver lining!
If you can't finagle a silver lining in a neighborhood full of food perverts of every nationality you jsut aren't TRYING to dispose of a body.
Fucking koala bears are a Goddamn menace, and ought to be wiped out, always attacking tourists and gnawing on their bits...And in broad daylight, in the presence of children and stupid people.
I hate those little fuckers. Moist or dry, they're almost as bad as those horrible fucking chinchillas. If I had MY way, we'd take the 6th fleet down to Australia and teach those pouch-bellied, beer-swilling dingos to keep their Goddamn wildlife under control.
Quote from: The Good Reverend Roger on December 08, 2010, 06:30:04 PM
Fucking koala bears are a Goddamn menace, and ought to be wiped out, always attacking tourists and gnawing on their bits...And in broad daylight, in the presence of children and stupid people.
I hate those little fuckers. Moist or dry, they're almost as bad as those horrible fucking chinchillas. If I had MY way, we'd take the 6th fleet down to Australia and teach those pouch-bellied, beer-swilling dingos to keep their Goddamn wildlife under control.
I sense a battle to the death coming on... koalas vs. chinchillas, last animal standing wins.
:lulz:
BUMP to prove what kind of people we're dealing with here.
Nice.
Quote from: The Good Reverend Roger on December 08, 2010, 06:30:04 PM
Fucking koala bears are a Goddamn menace, and ought to be wiped out, always attacking tourists and gnawing on their bits...And in broad daylight, in the presence of children and stupid people.
I hate those little fuckers. Moist or dry, they're almost as bad as those horrible fucking chinchillas. If I had MY way, we'd take the 6th fleet down to Australia and teach those pouch-bellied, beer-swilling dingos to keep their Goddamn wildlife under control.
You think Koalas are bad, wait til the roo numbers drop. That's when the drop bears spread into suburbia.