The EGfaBT Presidential Platform
(Doktor Howl Candidacy version)
1. Seeing as how America has spent the last 8 years demanding secret police, and the last 31 years demanding that we get "tough on crime", I shall endeavor to do precisely these things. If America wishes to have perverts staffing TSA checkpoints, I shall hire directly from the sex offender registry. If they want a self-righteous doctrine of punishment, rather than equal protection under law and the right to due process, I shall ensure that mere accusation constitutes conviction.
Your children shall be arrested at school, your sisters and daughters will be forcibly groped – legally – by officials, and your sons shall be arrested and held without trial for crimes against the state. This is what you have demanded; this is what I shall do.
2. Seeing as how America has had it with the "entitlement state", all government assistance to the poor and elderly will be ended immediately. In place of the previous programs, all poor people will be issued a 30 inch piece of lead pipe, and told to get their own money by whatever means they see fit. The elderly, on the other hand, will be dealt with in what in some places is a more traditional method. Your grandparents will be placed on icebergs and set adrift.
These steps will end the evils of social security and welfare. Again, I shall bow to the will of the majority in doing this.
3. Whereas The People have demonstrated their hatred for illegal immigration, all illegal immigrants shall be drafted into penal battalions for the war effort (see article 4). So-called "anchor babies" will be processed into special children's units at age 9, and sent to the front. Failure of any person to be able to provide positive proof of citizenship on demand will result in the immediate induction of that person, with no "appeals" or any other liberal loopholes allowed to impede this process.
This step will both ensure a steady supply of troops, and will result in well trained, if sociopathic, young men who will certainly appreciate America for what it is.
4. Whereas The People are obsessed with using military force to solve any problems, real or imagined, in the international arena, any person found to be without documentation (see article 3), or found to be an enemy of the state (see article 1), or accused of a felony or misdemeanor, shall be inducted into the armed forces, for deployment in wars against any and every nation accused of having terrorist connections. The determination of what constitutes "terrorist connections" shall be at the sole discretion of Fox News.
May as well get it over with.
5. Whereas The People have grown weary of the establishment clause of amendment I of the United States Constitution, only certain sects of Christianity will be permitted to exist in the United States. Anyone accused of being of any other religion, or being an atheist or an agnostic, shall be deemed an enemy of the state, and dealt with accordingly (see article 4). The permitted sects will consist of Baptists, Calvinists, and Catholics who know how to stay in line.
This is what you wanted, right?
6. It being noticed that "scientists" insist on making assertions that displease The People, all scientists shall be interned and put to work constructively, developing new weapons for the military. Any refusal of such duty will result in the offending scientist being inducted into a penal unit and shipped overseas for immediate front line duty.
This should put an end to any more nonsense about climate change or evolution.
See you at the polls, America. One more time, anyway.
Doktor Howl 2012: Change we deserve!
:mittens:
(http://img15.imageshack.us/img15/4702/orkillme.png)
Quote from: Remington on January 13, 2011, 10:15:02 PM
(http://img15.imageshack.us/img15/4702/orkillme.png)
Your town shall be spared.
What town do you live in Rem? I'm moving there.
I'm going to charge the White House with a pitchfork.
Quote from: Remington on January 13, 2011, 10:13:13 PM
Doktor Howl 2012: Change we deserve!
:mittens:
THIS!!
Amazing agenda!!
I've decided to run against The Doktor, because I can.
...We need more candidates anyway.
Tonight I shall formulate my agenda, and announce my campaign.
Wow! A platform I actually find scarier than Palin's. That alone impresses me!
Got my vote.
We must, of course, invest in some of those coroplast (corrrugated plastic) campaign signs to stick along the side of the road.
Anyone got some design ideas?
As founding (and sole) member of the Arbitrary Egocentric Draconian contingent, you have our support.
EVIL GENIUSES FOR A BETTER TOMORROW
Some of you may have noticed that some of these otherwise very commendable proposed changes might have a deleterious effect on people who are much wealthier than you.
Rest assured, I have spoken with the Good Doktor and we have agreed that the very rich should not be prosecuted for their crimes. After all, lawyer fees and court time take away from the time that the very wealthy have to put into making America better for The Rest of Us. But of course, this raises the issue of just where we set our limits on this sort of thing. Just how rich do you have to be to afford Deluxe Equality Under The Law?
Here is my proposal:
Every individual's liability in all civil and criminal cases will be tied directly to their income tax bracket. The higher your bracket, the more you can get away with. The top 0.5% don't even have to show up in court anymore, just a signed note from their personal secretary will do.
If you worked that hard to make that much money, you've EARNED all the Freedom you can get away with. It's what Ayn Rand would have wanted.
The Bewildermentarian Cabal officially withholds any endorsement for now.
Quote from: Epimetheus on January 13, 2011, 11:14:32 PM
The Bewildermentarian Cabal officially withholds any endorsement for now.
Enjoy Tehran.
I'll lead the California campaign! I live in the best place possible for it to start, after all.
Of course, it would be UnAmerican™ if you couldn't buy some of that Deluxe Equality for yourself, even if just as an indulgence. In fact, I propose we take that very leaf out of the history books and put it into legal practice: Indulgences.
For a reasonable fee (to be determined at a later date), you can pay your fines in advance and not have to bother with legal proceedings or prosecution for any crimes up to and including the value of your payments.
And if you make a down payment of 20% or more, you get a 5% bonus on the value of how much wrongdoing your payment plan covers you for!
The Odious Desert Scavenger Cabal will neither confirm nor deny any and all endorsement of The Good Reverend Roger's "Change We Deserve" platform.
I declare for the chicka with the leather and the whip. Sorry, Roger. :lulz:
Whatever the hell Phox is calling herself to sound more important fully endorses Doktor Howl's candidacy.
Quote from: Doktor Phox on January 13, 2011, 11:37:30 PM
Whatever the hell Phox is calling herself to sound more important fully endorses Doktor Howl's candidacy.
You know the leather turned you on.
Quote from: Charley Brown on January 13, 2011, 11:42:07 PM
Quote from: Doktor Phox on January 13, 2011, 11:37:30 PM
Whatever the hell Phox is calling herself to sound more important fully endorses Doktor Howl's candidacy.
You know the leather turned you on.
I have leather and whips too Charley. And do you really want someone in office who doesn't even know what the nuclear football is? I mean, she probably even wouldn't know what to DO with access to nuclear codes. I am not risking the fate of mankind on someone who would hesitate to use nuclear alternatives.
Quote from: Doktor Phox on January 13, 2011, 11:45:40 PM
Quote from: Charley Brown on January 13, 2011, 11:42:07 PM
Quote from: Doktor Phox on January 13, 2011, 11:37:30 PM
Whatever the hell Phox is calling herself to sound more important fully endorses Doktor Howl's candidacy.
You know the leather turned you on.
I have leather and whips too Charley. And do you really want someone in office who doesn't even know what the nuclear football is? I mean, she probably even wouldn't know what to DO with access to nuclear codes. I am not risking the fate of mankind on someone who would hesitate to use nuclear alternatives.
:lulz:
I like you more all the time.
Quote from: Charley Brown on January 13, 2011, 11:35:46 PM
I declare for the chicka with the leather and the whip. Sorry, Roger. :lulz:
Okay, I guess I'll just hand that sweet Sec Commerce job over to the Boston spags.
Quote from: The Good Reverend Roger on January 14, 2011, 12:04:31 AM
Quote from: Charley Brown on January 13, 2011, 11:35:46 PM
I declare for the chicka with the leather and the whip. Sorry, Roger. :lulz:
Okay, I guess I'll just hand that sweet Sec Commerce job over to the Boston spags.
Nope, changed my mind. Plans are in the making.
If you need to kiss these degenerates' spotty old asses and go mongering for votes, I'm not voting for you.
I expect my tyrants to ascend to the heights of power the old-fashioned way.
Quote from: Rip City Hustle on January 14, 2011, 12:12:35 AM
If you need to kiss these degenerates' spotty old asses and go mongering for votes, I'm not voting for you.
I expect my tyrants to ascend to the heights of power the old-fashioned way.
ECH: You can be my Deputy Postmaster General/Field Commander.
Quote from: Rip City Hustle on January 14, 2011, 12:12:35 AM
If you need to kiss these degenerates' spotty old asses and go mongering for votes, I'm not voting for you.
I expect my tyrants to ascend to the heights of power the old-fashioned way.
Sooooo...you aren't interested in SecDef? I was reserving it just for you.
you've got me all wrong.
I want to be Secretary of Offense.
I guess it's technically the same job, I just have a refreshingly different philosophy about the duties of my position. But I'm changing the name regardless.
Quote from: Rip City Hustle on January 14, 2011, 12:17:52 AM
you've got me all wrong.
I want to be Secretary of Offense.
Well, in any defacto sense, that's the job. However, we prefer the Orwellian, so it's going to be Secretary of Our Shocked and Angry Response to Your Aggression.
I will, of course, inevitably seek to end you in a bloody coup d'etat, but if we do our jobs well that will happen when we're the only ones left.
Quote from: The Good Reverend Roger on January 14, 2011, 12:19:17 AM
Quote from: Rip City Hustle on January 14, 2011, 12:17:52 AM
you've got me all wrong.
I want to be Secretary of Offense.
Well, in any defacto sense, that's the job. However, we prefer the Orwellian, so it's going to be Secretary of Our Shocked and Angry Response to Your Aggression.
I imagine churches popping up called Our Lady of Our Shocked and Angry Response..
Quote from: Rip City Hustle on January 14, 2011, 12:19:57 AM
I will, of course, inevitably seek to end you in a bloody coup d'etat, but if we do our jobs well that will happen when we're the only ones left.
And this is why I'm turning the Postal Service into a paramilitary police force/private army. :lulz:
Ha! The Pulp Heroes Association for the People (or PHAP) happily endorses the "Change We Deserve" platform. What's a hero without an evil regime to fight?
Quote from: Rip City Hustle on January 14, 2011, 12:19:57 AM
I will, of course, inevitably seek to end you in a bloody coup d'etat, but if we do our jobs well that will happen when we're the only ones left.
Oh, sure. I may even flee the country and
leave you holding the bag spare you the effort.
Quote from: Epimetheus on January 14, 2011, 12:21:21 AM
Quote from: The Good Reverend Roger on January 14, 2011, 12:19:17 AM
Quote from: Rip City Hustle on January 14, 2011, 12:17:52 AM
you've got me all wrong.
I want to be Secretary of Offense.
Well, in any defacto sense, that's the job. However, we prefer the Orwellian, so it's going to be Secretary of Our Shocked and Angry Response to Your Aggression.
I imagine churches popping up called Our Lady of Our Shocked and Angry Response..
Um, we can do that WITHOUT a farcical run for office, come to think of it.
I am laughing so hard I can barely type. Toni has just spoken to a lesbian for the very first time in her life. I can't breathe.
Quote from: Charley Brown on January 14, 2011, 12:57:22 AM
I am laughing so hard I can barely type. Toni has just spoken to a lesbian for the very first time in her life. I can't breathe.
:lulz:
I had to explain what Rachel was talking about
This is the best political platform I've seen in my entire life.
Well, the most believable, at least.
Here's an idea for the Door to Door campaign.
(http://i1096.photobucket.com/albums/g334/Doctor_James_Semaj/DoortoDoorcampaign.jpg?t=1294974288)
AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Quote from: Cainad on January 13, 2011, 11:24:31 PM
Of course, it would be UnAmerican™ if you couldn't buy some of that Deluxe Equality for yourself, even if just as an indulgence. In fact, I propose we take that very leaf out of the history books and put it into legal practice: Indulgences.
For a reasonable fee (to be determined at a later date), you can pay your fines in advance and not have to bother with legal proceedings or prosecution for any crimes up to and including the value of your payments.
And if you make a down payment of 20% or more, you get a 5% bonus on the value of how much wrongdoing your payment plan covers you for!
Can I have court insurance? Privatized of course, maybe through my employer if they're generous enough.
Quote from: The Good Reverend Roger on January 14, 2011, 12:04:31 AM
Quote from: Charley Brown on January 13, 2011, 11:35:46 PM
I declare for the chicka with the leather and the whip. Sorry, Roger. :lulz:
Okay, I guess I'll just hand that sweet Sec Commerce job over to the Boston spags.
Can I be your running mate in 2016? I'll be 35 that year, and eligible for the position. Further, I can look like a moderate to appease the socialist dogs that grow quietly discontent under your first 4 years.
Also, you know I won't try to assassinate you to move up to Prez, since I'm well aware of your immortality and fear your wrath.
Quote from: Doktor Blight on January 14, 2011, 04:40:40 AM
Quote from: The Good Reverend Roger on January 14, 2011, 12:04:31 AM
Quote from: Charley Brown on January 13, 2011, 11:35:46 PM
I declare for the chicka with the leather and the whip. Sorry, Roger. :lulz:
Okay, I guess I'll just hand that sweet Sec Commerce job over to the Boston spags.
Can I be your running mate in 2016? I'll be 35 that year, and eligible for the position. Further, I can look like a moderate to appease the socialist dogs that grow quietly discontent under your first 4 years.
Also, you know I won't try to assassinate you to move up to Prez, since I'm well aware of your immortality and fear your wrath.
Blight, there isn't going to be a 2016. :lulz:
Quote from: Doktor Phox on January 14, 2011, 04:41:47 AM
Quote from: Doktor Blight on January 14, 2011, 04:40:40 AM
Quote from: The Good Reverend Roger on January 14, 2011, 12:04:31 AM
Quote from: Charley Brown on January 13, 2011, 11:35:46 PM
I declare for the chicka with the leather and the whip. Sorry, Roger. :lulz:
Okay, I guess I'll just hand that sweet Sec Commerce job over to the Boston spags.
Can I be your running mate in 2016? I'll be 35 that year, and eligible for the position. Further, I can look like a moderate to appease the socialist dogs that grow quietly discontent under your first 4 years.
Also, you know I won't try to assassinate you to move up to Prez, since I'm well aware of your immortality and fear your wrath.
Blight, there isn't going to be a 2016. :lulz:
Oh there will be. Except we'll be calling it 4 Year of the Holy Man.
Quote from: Doktor Blight on January 14, 2011, 04:44:52 AM
Quote from: Doktor Phox on January 14, 2011, 04:41:47 AM
Quote from: Doktor Blight on January 14, 2011, 04:40:40 AM
Quote from: The Good Reverend Roger on January 14, 2011, 12:04:31 AM
Quote from: Charley Brown on January 13, 2011, 11:35:46 PM
I declare for the chicka with the leather and the whip. Sorry, Roger. :lulz:
Okay, I guess I'll just hand that sweet Sec Commerce job over to the Boston spags.
Can I be your running mate in 2016? I'll be 35 that year, and eligible for the position. Further, I can look like a moderate to appease the socialist dogs that grow quietly discontent under your first 4 years.
Also, you know I won't try to assassinate you to move up to Prez, since I'm well aware of your immortality and fear your wrath.
Blight, there isn't going to be a 2016. :lulz:
Oh there will be. Except we'll be calling it 4 Year of the Holy Man.
Nuh-uh. The way things are working out so far, the US of A will be a smoldering radioactive crater by 2013. :lulz:
Quote from: Doktor Phox on January 14, 2011, 04:46:58 AM
Quote from: Doktor Blight on January 14, 2011, 04:44:52 AM
Quote from: Doktor Phox on January 14, 2011, 04:41:47 AM
Quote from: Doktor Blight on January 14, 2011, 04:40:40 AM
Quote from: The Good Reverend Roger on January 14, 2011, 12:04:31 AM
Quote from: Charley Brown on January 13, 2011, 11:35:46 PM
I declare for the chicka with the leather and the whip. Sorry, Roger. :lulz:
Okay, I guess I'll just hand that sweet Sec Commerce job over to the Boston spags.
Can I be your running mate in 2016? I'll be 35 that year, and eligible for the position. Further, I can look like a moderate to appease the socialist dogs that grow quietly discontent under your first 4 years.
Also, you know I won't try to assassinate you to move up to Prez, since I'm well aware of your immortality and fear your wrath.
Blight, there isn't going to be a 2016. :lulz:
Oh there will be. Except we'll be calling it 4 Year of the Holy Man.
Nuh-uh. The way things are working out so far, the US of A will be a smoldering radioactive crater by 2013. :lulz:
Not disagreeing with you there.
Blight,
Knows that cancer doesn't happen immediately; likes carcinogens