Principia Discordia

Principia Discordia => Apple Talk => Topic started by: Cramulus on August 31, 2011, 06:38:17 PM

Title: ITT: The New American Dream
Post by: Cramulus on August 31, 2011, 06:38:17 PM
To finish paying my student loans before I start collecting social security.

That's my American dream.

Title: Re: ITT: The New American Dream
Post by: Cramulus on August 31, 2011, 06:39:08 PM
To find a way to print the entire bible on a Big Mac

That's my American dream.

Title: Re: ITT: The New American Dream
Post by: Doktor Howl on August 31, 2011, 06:39:22 PM
To watch the whole mishagoss go spiraling down the toilet before I die.

That's MY American dream.
Title: Re: ITT: The New American Dream
Post by: Adios on August 31, 2011, 06:40:54 PM
To live a successful life of crime and retire without ever getting caught.

That's my American Dream.
Title: Re: ITT: The New American Dream
Post by: Cramulus on August 31, 2011, 06:42:07 PM
To teach middle schoolers that DRUGS ARE BAD while I'm totally out of my gourd on medical marijuana.

That's my American dream.
Title: Re: ITT: The New American Dream
Post by: Doktor Howl on August 31, 2011, 06:42:50 PM
I approve of this asshattery.  Do continue.
Title: Re: ITT: The New American Dream
Post by: Doktor Howl on August 31, 2011, 06:44:21 PM
To own this mug

(http://images3.cpcache.com/nocache/product/549760583v2147483647_480x480_Back.jpg)

That's my American dream.

Title: Re: ITT: The New American Dream
Post by: Cramulus on August 31, 2011, 06:46:01 PM
To wear American flag themed lingerie under my clothes at my embezzlement hearing.

That's my American dream.
Title: Re: ITT: The New American Dream
Post by: Eater of Clowns on August 31, 2011, 06:46:14 PM
To leave my kids with less debt than my parents will leave me with.

That's my American dream.

Title: Re: ITT: The New American Dream
Post by: Adios on August 31, 2011, 06:48:30 PM
To own a bank, openly steal every cent from my customers, and be paid vast sums of money by the government for doing it.

That's my American dream.

Title: Re: ITT: The New American Dream
Post by: Cramulus on August 31, 2011, 06:49:40 PM
To get hauled into the police station, frothing and bleary eyed, and find out I've actually been eating placebos all night.  :?

That's my American dream.
Title: Re: ITT: The New American Dream
Post by: Doktor Howl on August 31, 2011, 06:50:38 PM
To torture people in the name of freedom.  Do indefinitely detain people in the name of the rule of law.  To send our children to go kill their children.  To pay mercenaries for murdering random people in the street.

That's my American dream.


Title: Re: ITT: The New American Dream
Post by: Cramulus on August 31, 2011, 06:53:05 PM
To own a human being. And to have him think that overthrowing me would be immoral and undignified.

That's my American dream.
Title: Re: ITT: The New American Dream
Post by: Cramulus on August 31, 2011, 06:53:55 PM
To drive a car shaped like a penis while wearing sneakers that also look like penises.

That's my American dream.
Title: Re: ITT: The New American Dream
Post by: Doktor Howl on August 31, 2011, 06:54:13 PM
To require an upgrade to my Rascal to make it up the slope in front of WalMart.

That's my American dream.
Title: Re: ITT: The New American Dream
Post by: Cramulus on August 31, 2011, 06:55:56 PM
To give all my money to an rich white guy who "earned" it by virtue of having a rich white guy for a dad.

That's my American dream.
Title: Re: ITT: The New American Dream
Post by: Eater of Clowns on August 31, 2011, 06:56:26 PM
To eat some salmonella contaminated vegetable and puke my way through a lawsuit to a big payday.

That's my American dream.
Title: Re: ITT: The New American Dream
Post by: Cramulus on August 31, 2011, 06:58:12 PM
I want to be shot out of a burrito-shaped cannon into a swimming pool full of undocumented immigrants.

That's my American dream.
Title: Re: ITT: The New American Dream
Post by: Doktor Howl on August 31, 2011, 06:58:58 PM
To wear my heathen neighbor's skin as a cape and dance around the hibachi while reciting from the book of psalms.

That's my American dream.

Title: Re: ITT: The New American Dream
Post by: Cramulus on August 31, 2011, 07:00:36 PM
I want to make a Rorschach ink blot from blood that came from my ass, discover that it looks like Jesus, and then spend the next thirty years following its commands that only I can hear.

That's my American dream.
Title: Re: ITT: The New American Dream
Post by: Eater of Clowns on August 31, 2011, 07:01:32 PM
I want to cash in on Cramulus' ass blood Rorschach Jesus by acting as his manager.

That's my American dream.

Title: Re: ITT: The New American Dream
Post by: Cramulus on August 31, 2011, 07:02:04 PM
I want to sing the National Anthem to fish.

That's my American dream.

Title: Re: ITT: The New American Dream
Post by: Luna on August 31, 2011, 07:02:39 PM
To, some day, have the cash to buy my very own Senator.

That's my American dream.
Title: Re: ITT: The New American Dream
Post by: Adios on August 31, 2011, 07:02:56 PM
I want to force my religious morals on every single person in the country.

That's my American dream.


Title: Re: ITT: The New American Dream
Post by: Doktor Howl on August 31, 2011, 07:03:05 PM
I want to make the wearing of anything other than woad a felony.

That's my American dream.


Title: Re: ITT: The New American Dream
Post by: Salty on August 31, 2011, 07:05:23 PM
To buy the entire contents of a Costco Wholesaler, put it in a big heap and set it on fire in front of homeless people so they'll learn what they too can accomplish if they put their minds to it.

That's my American dream.
Title: Re: ITT: The New American Dream
Post by: Eater of Clowns on August 31, 2011, 07:07:19 PM
I want to start a BDSM themed eco-village and set up subscription based webcams in the composting toilets.


That's my American dream.

Title: Re: ITT: The New American Dream
Post by: Luna on August 31, 2011, 07:08:35 PM
To impliment a weight limit on spandex.

That's my American dream.

(What just walked by my office window...  I want to poke my eyes out with a pen...)
Title: Re: ITT: The New American Dream
Post by: Fractalbeard on August 31, 2011, 07:12:56 PM
Quote from: Cramulus on August 31, 2011, 07:00:36 PM
I want to make a Rorschach ink blot from blood that came from my ass, discover that it looks like Jesus, and then spend the next thirty years following its commands that only I can hear.

That's my American dream.


Not to hijack, but you reminded me of this: (PROBABLY NSFW)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q824g9dBlQk (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q824g9dBlQk)
Title: Re: ITT: The New American Dream
Post by: Triple Zero on August 31, 2011, 07:46:16 PM
I want to sell holy blessed anus-blenders to cash in on Cram's newfound religion.

That's my American dream.
Title: Re: ITT: The New American Dream
Post by: Cramulus on August 31, 2011, 07:51:28 PM
I want a choir of children to sing the theme song to Duck Tales at my funeral.

That's my American dream.
Title: Re: ITT: The New American Dream
Post by: Dysfunctional Cunt on August 31, 2011, 08:02:57 PM
To invent and make my fortune on an attractive and functional back boob bra.

That's my American dream.
Title: Re: ITT: The New American Dream
Post by: P3nT4gR4m on August 31, 2011, 08:59:08 PM
America sinks and we get sick tidal waves, blasting across the west coast and creating ULTIMATE GNARLY SUICIDE SURF!

I'm Scottish,
That's my American dream.
Title: Re: ITT: The New American Dream
Post by: Doktor Howl on August 31, 2011, 09:03:54 PM
Quote from: P3nT4gR4m on August 31, 2011, 08:59:08 PM
America sinks and we get sick tidal waves, blasting across the west coast and creating ULTIMATE GNARLY SUICIDE SURF!

I'm Scottish,
That's my American dream.


A REAL Scotsman would have put something in there about wading across a golf course covered in the guts of his enemies while eating haggis.
Title: Re: ITT: The New American Dream
Post by: Cramulus on August 31, 2011, 09:05:38 PM
 :lulz: you guys are fucking hilarious, all of you



I want my lips, boobs, and ass to be constructed from the same material. I don't care whether that material is underarm fat or tapioca pudding, I just want some fucking consistency.


That's my American dream.
Title: Re: ITT: The New American Dream
Post by: Dysfunctional Cunt on August 31, 2011, 09:23:53 PM
I want to turn the arch, that gateway to the west, into a giant slingshot and sling crappy Budweiser Beer to all the homeless to the east.


That's my American dream.
Title: Re: ITT: The New American Dream
Post by: Suu on August 31, 2011, 09:33:43 PM
To allow my future daughters to wear thong underwear at the age of 5.


That's my American dream.
Title: Re: ITT: The New American Dream
Post by: Suu on August 31, 2011, 09:34:58 PM
To be able to eat what I want, when I want it, with as much additives and fat as possible and not be judged for my weight.


That's my American dream.
Title: Re: ITT: The New American Dream
Post by: ñͤͣ̄ͦ̌̑͗͊͛͂͗ ̸̨̨̣̺̼̣̜͙͈͕̮̊̈́̈͂͛̽͊ͭ̓͆ͅé ̰̓̓́ͯ́́͞ on August 31, 2011, 10:38:07 PM
 I want to run oil pipelines over every major water reservoir in the country, you know, to create jobs.

That's my American dream.
Title: Re: ITT: The New American Dream
Post by: Epimetheus on August 31, 2011, 10:52:45 PM
To provide starving children in third world countries with the iPhones they need.

That's my American dream.
Title: Re: ITT: The New American Dream
Post by: ñͤͣ̄ͦ̌̑͗͊͛͂͗ ̸̨̨̣̺̼̣̜͙͈͕̮̊̈́̈͂͛̽͊ͭ̓͆ͅé ̰̓̓́ͯ́́͞ on August 31, 2011, 11:01:07 PM
To "pre-existing condition" people into bankruptcy or death because I want a yacht.

That's my American dream.
Title: Re: ITT: The New American Dream
Post by: Mesozoic Mister Nigel on August 31, 2011, 11:10:50 PM
To wear dancing shoes made from the teeth and skin of the orphaned children of the Bank of America board of directors.

That's my American dream.
Title: Re: ITT: The New American Dream
Post by: Luna on August 31, 2011, 11:53:27 PM
Quote from: Cramulus on August 31, 2011, 09:05:38 PM
:lulz: you guys are fucking hilarious, all of you



I want my lips, boobs, and ass to be constructed from the same material. I don't care whether that material is underarm fat or tapioca pudding, I just want some fucking consistency.


That's my American dream.

Honey, if your lips are the consistency of tapioca pudding, nobody is gonna kiss you more than once, no matter how pretty you are.

Me, I want a pill to give me back the boobs I had when I was sixteen.

That's my American dream.
Title: Re: ITT: The New American Dream
Post by: Suu on August 31, 2011, 11:58:43 PM
Quote from: Nigel on August 31, 2011, 11:10:50 PM
To wear dancing shoes made from the teeth and skin of the orphaned children of the Bank of America board of directors.

That's my American dream.

FUCKING THIS
Title: Re: ITT: The New American Dream
Post by: Cainad (dec.) on September 01, 2011, 06:58:20 AM
Quote from: Khara on August 31, 2011, 08:02:57 PM
To invent and make my fortune on an attractive and functional back boob bra.

That's my American dream.

Everything in this thread is hilarious, but I almost spewed beer at this one. :lol:
Title: Re: ITT: The New American Dream
Post by: Icey on September 01, 2011, 07:06:38 AM
To meet the people who after one missed payment (that their system caused) hiked my parent's credit card interest to 50%.

That's my American dream.


And then punch through their stomach, and RIP OUT THEIR GODDAMN SPINE

That's my American dream.
Title: Re: ITT: The New American Dream
Post by: Cramulus on September 01, 2011, 02:31:26 PM
I want the Mystic Wicks forum rules to apply to real life.

That's my American dream.
Title: Re: ITT: The New American Dream
Post by: AFK on September 01, 2011, 02:51:23 PM
To buy a "Make Your Own Self-Sustaining Impenetrable Eco-Compound" kit from Lowes, set it up somewhere in the mountains of Maine, and weld the fucking doors shut. 

That's my American dream.
Title: Re: ITT: The New American Dream
Post by: AFK on September 01, 2011, 02:53:06 PM
I want a fucking jetpack!

That's my American dream.

Title: Re: ITT: The New American Dream
Post by: Jenne on September 01, 2011, 04:32:44 PM
I want to eat all the junk I can and laze around all day and still not gain any weight and in fact SHRINK to the size of Kate Moss after a binge-and-purge


That's my American dream.


I want to spend a lot of money raising my kids to be the best little rat racers ever and STILL not have them blow into major debt that will prevent them from saving for retirement or have to move back home because they can't find work.


That's my American dream.



I want cancer to get cancer.

That's my American dream.
Title: Re: ITT: The New American Dream
Post by: Cramulus on September 01, 2011, 05:16:58 PM
(http://i209.photobucket.com/albums/bb163/wompcabal/bin/jeopardy/clue-15.gif)


That's my American dream.

Title: Re: ITT: The New American Dream
Post by: AFK on September 01, 2011, 05:30:19 PM
I want to make love to my wife on top of the Olympus Mons.

That's my American dream.


Title: Re: ITT: The New American Dream
Post by: deadfong on September 01, 2011, 05:48:12 PM
I want matching after-sex bathtubs like in the Cialis commercials.

That's my American Dream.
Title: Re: ITT: The New American Dream
Post by: Doktor Howl on September 01, 2011, 05:49:26 PM
I want my own death robot.

That's my American Dream.
Title: Re: ITT: The New American Dream
Post by: The Wizard Joseph on September 01, 2011, 07:07:27 PM

It be kicked out of a sub-orbital jet for talking shit to the wrong people, only for them to discover that the gods are real enough to keep my body intact and guide it to a pre-arranged impact zone.  The pool in front of the Washington Monument.
They like Lulz too.

That's my American Dream.


To discover afterward that there is an afterlife AND they have TV.  I want to see that the news cover-up was something to the effect of "Pool to be drained and refurbished. Monumental crack much worse than expected."


That's my "American Gods" Dream.
Title: Re: ITT: The New American Dream
Post by: Adios on September 01, 2011, 07:21:55 PM
To be able to kill people over the internet.

That's my American Dream.

Title: Re: ITT: The New American Dream
Post by: Juana on September 01, 2011, 07:23:21 PM
I want to out compete African farmers by being able to afford to undercut them because I get crop subsidies.

That's my American Dream.


I want to be able to find a job in my field after I graduate.

That's my American Dream.
Title: Re: ITT: The New American Dream
Post by: Dysfunctional Cunt on September 01, 2011, 07:34:39 PM
I want to take all my friends and family and dance at the Jefferson Memorial!

That's my American Dream.

Title: Re: ITT: The New American Dream
Post by: ñͤͣ̄ͦ̌̑͗͊͛͂͗ ̸̨̨̣̺̼̣̜͙͈͕̮̊̈́̈͂͛̽͊ͭ̓͆ͅé ̰̓̓́ͯ́́͞ on September 01, 2011, 10:12:28 PM
Extraordinary rendition.

That's my American Dream.
Title: Re: ITT: The New American Dream
Post by: Richter on September 01, 2011, 10:49:32 PM
To go to Wal-Mart in a loincloth and buckskins, disable the scooters of the morbidly obese with an EMP gun, and dance around them chanting gibberish at the top of my lungs while waiving an obsidian spear.

That's my American Dream.
Title: Re: ITT: The New American Dream
Post by: Richter on September 01, 2011, 10:52:27 PM
I want to blow away sharks from a plastic kayak, ostriches from a WWII vintage BMW motorcycle, and eagles from a lawn chair hot air balloon with a .50 caliber rifle.

That's my American Dream.
Title: Re: ITT: The New American Dream
Post by: Richter on September 01, 2011, 10:53:31 PM
I want a fucking death ray, and I don't want anyone else to have one.  Because I'm the RESPONSIBLE one dmanit.


That's my American Dream.
Title: Re: ITT: The New American Dream
Post by: ñͤͣ̄ͦ̌̑͗͊͛͂͗ ̸̨̨̣̺̼̣̜͙͈͕̮̊̈́̈͂͛̽͊ͭ̓͆ͅé ̰̓̓́ͯ́́͞ on September 01, 2011, 11:03:07 PM
I want to pump my scrotum full of helium and dogfight Richter in his lawn-chair-balloon above a PETA rally, but with real dogs.

That's my American Dream.
Title: Re: ITT: The New American Dream
Post by: Luna on September 01, 2011, 11:10:30 PM
Quote from: Net (existing) on September 01, 2011, 11:03:07 PM
I want to pump my scrotum full of helium and dogfight Richter in his lawn-chair-balloon above a PETA rally, but with real dogs.

That's my American Dream.

I want to watch.

With a BB gun.

That's my American Dream.
Title: Re: ITT: The New American Dream
Post by: Adios on September 02, 2011, 12:21:34 AM
In a surprise move the state of Texas has seceded from the United States. One of their first moves was to closely ally with China, who immediately began setting up missile bases.

After repeated warnings from the U.S. and an embargo that is expected to last at least three generations, no action to stand down was taken by either Texas or China.

Under Presidential orders the Pentagon launched a pre-emptive strike at Austin, destroying the Chinese Base there.

Texans have taken up the battle cry of "Remember the AlaHole!"

China has come forward with evidence of an 11th hour back room deal with the President made just after all talks had failed with Texas to stave off their secession.

The evidence is a Deed of Trust signing the state over to China in favor of China forgiving all U.S. debt.

China has said that any further aggression on the part of the Empire of the United States would be met with nuclear retaliation.

Congress has decided to build a fence along the entire border with Texas, except for 500 miles located near large population centers.

(inspired by Cain)

That's my American Dream.
Title: Re: ITT: The New American Dream
Post by: Dysfunctional Cunt on September 02, 2011, 03:46:40 PM
:spittake:
Title: Re: ITT: The New American Dream
Post by: Cramulus on September 29, 2011, 02:47:45 PM
Quote from: BadBeast on September 29, 2011, 01:18:01 PM
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I will write the great American ASCII dick novel.

That's my American Dream.
Title: Re: ITT: The New American Dream
Post by: kingyak on September 29, 2011, 09:10:29 PM
To own a midget who owns a monkey.
Title: Re: ITT: The New American Dream
Post by: AFK on September 29, 2011, 09:26:34 PM
To get my own reality TV cooking interior design song and dance vaudeville show...

That's my American Dream.

To kick Rod Stewart in his ugly face.

That's my American Dream.

To enjoy a lovely, frosty adult beverage and watch the world burn. 

That's my American Dream.
Title: Re: ITT: The New American Dream
Post by: kingyak on September 30, 2011, 06:40:53 AM
Also, to own a monkey who owns a midget.

I'd like to observe the differences in the power dynamic between the midget who owns the monkey and the monkey he owns and the monkey who owns the midget and midget he owns. My hypothesis: hilarity ensues.