Okay, I think we've squeezed all the funny out of the GOP "frontrunners". The time has come to announce Cainad as the dark horse candidate for the republican nomination. It's too late for him to file, of course, but not too late for him to win. The convention can nominate anyone they like, after all, and America is ready for his bullshit.
I've done some thinking on this, and I have a platform that most people can get behind.
1. The Common Sense Mallet. This would be an actual mallet, wielded by the Attorney General, that would be used to pound stupid people into jelly. Not EVERY stupid person, of course...That would take forever, and where would you start? No, I'm thinking Donald Trump for starters, and then further targets to be chosen by a secret team of White House advisors.
2. A ban on piss jugs. For real. There's no menace to America so bad as a piss jug hurled from a speeding 18 wheeler. You're just driving along, minding your own business, and then BANG! A gallon of piss comes flying through your windshield, and takes your head clean off. Horrible.
3. Mind Your Fucking Business. Gay marriage bother you? Don't look. Someone got an abortion? Who cares? Gays in the military? What else is new? This plank would also involve having all AM radio jocks strapped to the front of cannons and sent to glory.
4. A Nationwide Ban on Diabetics. Nuff said. Wilford Brimley, GTFO!
5. The annexation of Toronto. If Canada can't play nice with its college students, it shan't be allowed to have them.
6. The Sale of Alaska to Russia. That way, Sarah Palin really COULD see Russia from her front porch.
7. TV Improvement. All TV producers will wear electrodes attached to their bits. When enough watchers register disapproval, they'll receive a 40,000 VDC shock to their happy place.
8. Fuck Free Trade. The utter repeal of NAFTA and everything like it.
9. Dismantle the Stock Market. If you want money, go to work. No more free ride. Brokers will be retrained to work as jizz moppers at the Broadway Street peepshow in Tucson, AZ, where they can finally do some good in the world.
Suggested VP: ECH. This will make Cainad assassination-proof.
Cabinet:
AG - Professor Cramulus.
HH&S - Iptuous
Commerce - LMNO
NSA - Cain
Education - Garbo
Interior - Triple Zero
Defense - Pixie
Energy - Bootsy Collins
State - Me. Because I love people.
Dibs on ONDCP!
And where do I sign to get a bumper sticker?
I am more than honored to accept this nomination; I am in fact piddling myself in pure ecstatic glee.
I believe that This Great Nation has the strength to swallow any form of batshittery. I will work tirelessly to exhaust your appetites for delusional, morally bankrupt politicking. With my elite team of depraved hooligans infesting every single position I can put them in, we can bring This Great Nation four years of self-destructive and backwards policies that will hurl us, meteor-like, back into the Good Old Days.
I intend to be so unrelentingly corrupt that the tottering sham of a "government" we have left will be turned inside-out. Reality will have no bearing on my decisions, and the lunatic ideologies which guide my whims will change weekly.
Entire new industries will have to be created to deal with my mess. Jobs will be created purely out of the need for the general public to understand and cope with the inscrutable ruination I shall wreak. Analysis and interpretation of my administration's actions will provide material for political science majors' thesis papers for decades.
And in the end, you will love us for it. After I and my lackeys have been ceremonially lynched in the cooling wreckage of The City, there will be an entirely brand new wasteland for you to live in. In public, my name shall be a foul curse considered unfit for children's ears, but in secret you will know, "at least that fucker went and got it over with, finally!"
I shall dig you a grave, that you may find new purpose in life by struggling to climb out.
Quote from: Cainad on February 13, 2012, 07:29:59 PM
I shall dig you a grave, that you may find new purpose in life by struggling to climb out.
Um.
This is GENIUS, and too good to waste. We need to work it into Common Walls or some shit.
Hell yes.
AD FUNDUM.
Quote from: The Good Reverend Roger on February 13, 2012, 07:32:33 PM
Quote from: Cainad on February 13, 2012, 07:29:59 PM
I shall dig you a grave, that you may find new purpose in life by struggling to climb out.
Um.
This is GENIUS, and too good to waste. We need to work it into Common Walls or some shit.
Thanks, I was rather proud of that one. Once in a blue moon I get these really cool inspirations for "clinchers" that more or less justify the rest of the rant. I'd love to see people riff on it.
Nice. I'm on board.
The quip that Roger pointed out is your original? that's awesome. srsly.
a point: TV improvement idea will lead to 'The Masturbation Network' and 'Ow! My Balls!' within a fortnight of enactment. was this a goal?
you want me for H&HS? :lol: alrighty then. i hope you have a good working relationship with your barber/dentist/surgeon (this will soon be a mandatory professional conglomeration, once more.)
And RWHN, what can the ONDCP do when i start reclassifying substances on a bi-weekly televised basis by means of a plink-o board?
Who's DoJ? i'd like to make some deals.
I would be honored to accept the education position (I have plans already, you see. Oh my, do I ever have plans), and shall work tirelessly in my state to get the word out.
CAINAD 2012!
Those WERE just suggestions.
The cabinet picks will of course be made by Baby Doc Cainad.
As head of the department of commerce, I hereby recind the RICO act, except in the instances where it involves politicians.
Apologies. I reisynd it.
Quote from: The Good Reverend Roger on February 13, 2012, 07:49:57 PM
Those WERE just suggestions.
The cabinet picks will of course be made by Baby Doc Cainad.
I may shuffle people around, based on which drugs I've been consuming recently (incidentally, I will be taking advice on which substances I ought to be huffing to better "enhance" my leadership skills), but don't think I'm letting any of you buttjugglers off the hook. Oh no, not at all.
Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer. Don't think for ONE goddamn second that I would dare risk letting any of you freaks shirk your duty to This Great Nation. The mere thought of letting you bastards run around without microchips makes me queasy. No, I shall have no choice but to ensure that all of you will become addicted to the power I dole out to each of you. Allowing you to foster loyalties to any other source of influence is out of the question.
I am but one man, and I cannot do this job alone. Christ almighty, I have to
sleep occasionally, you know? I need people on my side whom I can trust to keep fucking shit up when my imagination or willpower fails me. I need a retinue of contrarian, stubborn assholes to get Byzantine with. Things need to fall apart, and we can't risk anyone doing much of anything.
Dept. of Interior?
Hm.
This is either a piece of cake because DHS and DoJ do all the hard things that are Interior Dept tasks in the rest of the world,
OR this'll be the curse of being the "Department of Everything Else" and it's where all the shitty jobs nobody else wants to do end up.
Well, at least the Bureau of Reclamation, I got covered, I know some people, they'll keep the scary seawater away from you.
OH! I KNOW! There will be NONE of that wood crap used for building houses except for decorative purposes and supporting beams, especially when there's hurricanes. "OMG look at all the devastation!" *slap* You built your house from wood, what do you THINK would happen? And I know the perfect way of how to sell it to the public too:
See, it'll be like one of those viral marketing campaigns where over the course of some weeks they'll reveal more parts of a story. It'll start with the first little piggie that built its house out of straw ...
And Cainad, you're going to LOVE this one: You told me there was this storm and everybody was all like wtf the power's out! the land phone lines are out! everything is out! I got this great idea, I once saw it in, oh everywhere else in Western civilisation: PUT CABLES UNDER GROUND! Crazy right? I know, "why didn't I think of that?", that's what you got me for, man!
Anything else, sir?
Piss jugs, flying, hazards in the making. You will punish the people responsible.
Quote from: Triple Zero on February 13, 2012, 10:10:29 PM
And Cainad, you're going to LOVE this one: You told me there was this storm and everybody was all like wtf the power's out! the land phone lines are out! everything is out! I got this great idea, I once saw it in, oh everywhere else in Western civilisation: PUT CABLES UNDER GROUND! Crazy right? I know, "why didn't I think of that?", that's what you got me for, man!
Anything else, sir?
JESUS JACKJABBERING CHRIST
:ohnotache:
This technology... it's fucking incredible! Amazing, that
you people could have discovered such a thing!
We must implement this at once. We have every reason to believe The Commies will be trying to get one over on us. An Underground Cable Gap is unacceptable! They'll be lobbing our own piss jugs at us by this time next year if we do not take action.
Quote from: The Good Reverend Roger on February 13, 2012, 06:50:10 PM
7. TV Improvement. All TV producers will wear electrodes attached to their bits. When enough watchers register disapproval, they'll receive a 40,000 VDC shock to their happy place.
I will back this proposal, with one extra condition: producers of the History and Discovery Channels will have one year to create some quality programming that isn't about rednecks or fucking psychic space aliens. The penalty for failure will be six months of solitary confinement, being forced to watch their own trash on endless repeat.
Quote from: Cainad on February 13, 2012, 11:03:01 PM
Quote from: The Good Reverend Roger on February 13, 2012, 06:50:10 PM
7. TV Improvement. All TV producers will wear electrodes attached to their bits. When enough watchers register disapproval, they'll receive a 40,000 VDC shock to their happy place.
I will back this proposal, with one extra condition: producers of the History and Discovery Channels will have one year to create some quality programming that isn't about rednecks or fucking psychic space aliens. The penalty for failure will be six months of solitary confinement, being forced to watch their own trash on endless repeat.
You know I actually sat down and watched History Channel for the first time in years a few days ago.
I didn't know Nostradamus predicted Alien Visitation through his water colour scrap book.
Quote from: Triple Zero on February 13, 2012, 10:10:29 PM
And Cainad, you're going to LOVE this one: You told me there was this storm and everybody was all like wtf the power's out! the land phone lines are out! everything is out! I got this great idea, I once saw it in, oh everywhere else in Western civilisation: PUT CABLES UNDER GROUND! Crazy right? I know, "why didn't I think of that?", that's what you got me for, man!
Oh, you'll love THIS: my dad has this little farm, and the power line that goes from the pole at the street to the farmhouse kept getting knocked down. So, he thought, why not find out what it would take to run it underground? He contacted the electric company and got all the permits and dug the trench and the electric company came out and routed the line and it was all ready, except the COUNTY WOULDN'T LET HIM RECONNECT THE HOUSE BECAUSE THE WIRING IN THE HOUSE WAS OUTDATED.
Basically, they would have been fine forever if he had left the aboveground line, but as soon as he put it underground they were all, "nooooo, since you updated that, now you have to rewire the whole house".
He couldn't afford it, so he never did it, and the house hasn't had electricity for 15 or so years now.
AMERICA!
Quote from: Nigel on February 14, 2012, 12:10:28 AM
Quote from: Triple Zero on February 13, 2012, 10:10:29 PM
And Cainad, you're going to LOVE this one: You told me there was this storm and everybody was all like wtf the power's out! the land phone lines are out! everything is out! I got this great idea, I once saw it in, oh everywhere else in Western civilisation: PUT CABLES UNDER GROUND! Crazy right? I know, "why didn't I think of that?", that's what you got me for, man!
Oh, you'll love THIS: my dad has this little farm, and the power line that goes from the pole at the street to the farmhouse kept getting knocked down. So, he thought, why not find out what it would take to run it underground? He contacted the electric company and got all the permits and dug the trench and the electric company came out and routed the line and it was all ready, except the COUNTY WOULDN'T LET HIM RECONNECT THE HOUSE BECAUSE THE WIRING IN THE HOUSE WAS OUTDATED.
Basically, they would have been fine forever if he had left the aboveground line, but as soon as he put it underground they were all, "nooooo, since you updated that, now you have to rewire the whole house".
He couldn't afford it, so he never did it, and the house hasn't had electricity for 15 or so years now.
AMERICA!
That's the point where you're supposed to slip the inspector a sandwich with 5 Benjamins in it.
Quote from: The Good Reverend Roger on February 14, 2012, 12:11:43 AM
Quote from: Nigel on February 14, 2012, 12:10:28 AM
Quote from: Triple Zero on February 13, 2012, 10:10:29 PM
And Cainad, you're going to LOVE this one: You told me there was this storm and everybody was all like wtf the power's out! the land phone lines are out! everything is out! I got this great idea, I once saw it in, oh everywhere else in Western civilisation: PUT CABLES UNDER GROUND! Crazy right? I know, "why didn't I think of that?", that's what you got me for, man!
Oh, you'll love THIS: my dad has this little farm, and the power line that goes from the pole at the street to the farmhouse kept getting knocked down. So, he thought, why not find out what it would take to run it underground? He contacted the electric company and got all the permits and dug the trench and the electric company came out and routed the line and it was all ready, except the COUNTY WOULDN'T LET HIM RECONNECT THE HOUSE BECAUSE THE WIRING IN THE HOUSE WAS OUTDATED.
Basically, they would have been fine forever if he had left the aboveground line, but as soon as he put it underground they were all, "nooooo, since you updated that, now you have to rewire the whole house".
He couldn't afford it, so he never did it, and the house hasn't had electricity for 15 or so years now.
AMERICA!
That's the point where you're supposed to slip the inspector a sandwich with 5 Benjamins in it.
I learned THAT the hard way about six years ago!
My dad's got to know, too, but he's a stubborn old fuck. :lulz:
I know there are many citizens out there who question my motives. What's my angle, you ask. How can I possibly run on a platform that advocates annexing Toronto and letting the Attorney General dole out justice with a big ugly hammer? How on Earth do I intend to capture the public hearts and minds with a campaign based entirely around exuberantly depraved governance? Why should you lend me even a fraction of your attention?
Because I am the candidate that understands You.
I am the one who will give you what you really want. I'll give you so much of what you want you'll burst, and then I'll give you some more.
Because Mr. President loves you. He loves you to death.
A few hundred years ago, some snooty intellectual types started a trend that has continued to plague us right up to the present day. They infected our society with ideas like "natural human rights" and "reason." They said if we stuck with those ideas and implemented them in our daily lives, they would guide us to a bright and glorious future. But what did it really get us?
I dunno, but it's probably the reason the economy's in the shitter!
So I will do what no one has dared to do before. I shall give you your Freedom.
More Freedom than ever thought possible.
More Freedom than you really wanted.
Quote from: Cainad on February 14, 2012, 12:53:34 AM
I know there are many citizens out there who question my motives. What's my angle, you ask. How can I possibly run on a platform that advocates annexing Toronto and letting the Attorney General dole out justice with a big ugly hammer?
Call it the Million-Ton Shit-Hammer, and the NASCAR yokels will be up out of their seats and giving the Nazi salute until they wear out the rotator cup in their right shoulder.
The rest of your speech can't be improved upon.
Quote from: The Good Reverend Roger on February 14, 2012, 12:56:34 AM
Quote from: Cainad on February 14, 2012, 12:53:34 AM
I know there are many citizens out there who question my motives. What's my angle, you ask. How can I possibly run on a platform that advocates annexing Toronto and letting the Attorney General dole out justice with a big ugly hammer?
Call it the Million-Ton Shit-Hammer, and the NASCAR yokels will be up out of their seats and giving the Nazi salute until they wear out the rotator cup in their right shoulder.
The rest of your speech can't be improved upon.
:thanks:
And hell yes to the bolded; this is why the Secretary of State gets to keep one of the keys to the Fuck The World Switch. You've
earned the goddamned right.
ACTUALLY, NEW IDEA
I have been enlightened to the true meaning of Freedom, and I have realized how best to give it to you. You, the People, do not need my government to make you Great. I shall put the means to be Great into your own hands, where it belongs.
Inside every home and apartment in America, there will be installed a big button in the largest room in the house. Pressing this button constitutes a vote in favor of Launching the Nukes.
When 51% of America has pushed the button, away they go.
Quote from: Cainad on February 14, 2012, 01:06:53 AM
Quote from: The Good Reverend Roger on February 14, 2012, 12:56:34 AM
Quote from: Cainad on February 14, 2012, 12:53:34 AM
I know there are many citizens out there who question my motives. What's my angle, you ask. How can I possibly run on a platform that advocates annexing Toronto and letting the Attorney General dole out justice with a big ugly hammer?
Call it the Million-Ton Shit-Hammer, and the NASCAR yokels will be up out of their seats and giving the Nazi salute until they wear out the rotator cup in their right shoulder.
The rest of your speech can't be improved upon.
:thanks:
And hell yes to the bolded; this is why the Secretary of State gets to keep one of the keys to the Fuck The World Switch. You've earned the goddamned right.
ACTUALLY, NEW IDEA
I have been enlightened to the true meaning of Freedom, and I have realized how best to give it to you. You, the People, do not need my government to make you Great. I shall put the means to be Great into your own hands, where it belongs.
Inside every home and apartment in America, there will be installed a big button in the largest room in the house. Pressing this button constitutes a vote in favor of Launching the Nukes.
When 51% of America has pushed the button, away they go.
How many times can I push the button?
Once by default, but you can buy a license to get your button reset so you can vote again.
Also, you can push other people's buttons.
Hrm... I'd be happy to cast my vote in your favor...
I hope you will consider my application for Minister of Population Control.
First item on the agenda... If you are behind on your fucking child support, you have one month to catch up, or we castrate you. Anesthesia will be administered based on how FAR behind you are.
Next, we start looking at Stupid Checks...
Quote from: The Good Reverend Roger on February 13, 2012, 10:46:54 PM
Piss jugs, flying, hazards in the making. You will punish the people responsible.
*ahem*
Quote from: The Good Reverend Roger on February 14, 2012, 01:19:13 AM
Quote from: The Good Reverend Roger on February 13, 2012, 10:46:54 PM
Piss jugs, flying, hazards in the making. You will punish the people responsible.
*ahem*
I think I need to experience the terror of piss jugs for myself. Up here in the swampy mountains, we don't really seem to have a problem with them.
Quote from: Cainad on February 14, 2012, 01:24:06 AM
Quote from: The Good Reverend Roger on February 14, 2012, 01:19:13 AM
Quote from: The Good Reverend Roger on February 13, 2012, 10:46:54 PM
Piss jugs, flying, hazards in the making. You will punish the people responsible.
*ahem*
I think I need to experience the terror of piss jugs for myself. Up here in the swampy mountains, we don't really seem to have a problem with them.
They're fucking KILLERS! That fucker Mourning Star whipped one out the window over the Craycroft exit and killed a world war II vet who was going into the diner at the Triple T truck stop. The bastard laughed all the way back to Albany.
Quote from: The Good Reverend Roger on February 14, 2012, 01:19:13 AM
Quote from: The Good Reverend Roger on February 13, 2012, 10:46:54 PM
Piss jugs, flying, hazards in the making. You will punish the people responsible.
*ahem*
If I might suggest...
Inverted suspension in a vat of the... appropriate... fluids.
Ten minutes for a first offense, figure they might be able to twist up enough to not drown THAT long. Add ten minutes per offense.
Quote from: The Good Reverend Roger on February 14, 2012, 01:27:49 AM
They're fucking KILLERS! That fucker Mourning Star whipped one out the window over the Craycroft exit and killed a world war II vet who was going into the diner at the Triple T truck stop. The bastard laughed all the way back to Albany.
Dear god.
Is there any evidence that The Terrorists have access to this kind of weaponry?
Quote from: Cainad on February 14, 2012, 01:30:01 AM
Quote from: The Good Reverend Roger on February 14, 2012, 01:27:49 AM
They're fucking KILLERS! That fucker Mourning Star whipped one out the window over the Craycroft exit and killed a world war II vet who was going into the diner at the Triple T truck stop. The bastard laughed all the way back to Albany.
Dear god.
Is there any evidence that The Terrorists have access to this kind of weaponry?
"Mourning Star".
I'd like to submit my name for PR guy. I will do my best to say as little as possible in as many words as possible.
Quote from: The Good Reverend Roger on February 14, 2012, 01:30:31 AM
Quote from: Cainad on February 14, 2012, 01:30:01 AM
Quote from: The Good Reverend Roger on February 14, 2012, 01:27:49 AM
They're fucking KILLERS! That fucker Mourning Star whipped one out the window over the Craycroft exit and killed a world war II vet who was going into the diner at the Triple T truck stop. The bastard laughed all the way back to Albany.
Dear god.
Is there any evidence that The Terrorists have access to this kind of weaponry?
"Mourning Star".
Good point. I'll have him nominated for an award or something immediately.
Quote from: Epimetheus on February 14, 2012, 01:34:05 AM
I'd like to submit my name for PR guy. I will do my best to say as little as possible in as many words as possible.
Your mission: to attend a different bar every night, and namedrop me constantly while making unwanted conversation.
Quote from: Cainad on February 14, 2012, 01:37:01 AM
Quote from: The Good Reverend Roger on February 14, 2012, 01:30:31 AM
Quote from: Cainad on February 14, 2012, 01:30:01 AM
Quote from: The Good Reverend Roger on February 14, 2012, 01:27:49 AM
They're fucking KILLERS! That fucker Mourning Star whipped one out the window over the Craycroft exit and killed a world war II vet who was going into the diner at the Triple T truck stop. The bastard laughed all the way back to Albany.
Dear god.
Is there any evidence that The Terrorists have access to this kind of weaponry?
"Mourning Star".
Good point. I'll have him nominated for an award or something immediately.
How about the coveted "Your skies are dark with drones" award, which has for the last ten years been dominated by Pakistani competitors?
Mr. Cainad sir! Rumors abound among the masses about the plan to amend the Second Amendment to the right to bear iron claws (http://i39.tinypic.com/2lmxoxs.png). Have you decided which angle we're going to take with that?
Quote from: The Good Reverend Roger on February 14, 2012, 01:19:13 AM
Quote from: The Good Reverend Roger on February 13, 2012, 10:46:54 PM
Piss jugs, flying, hazards in the making. You will punish the people responsible.
*ahem*
How about if we change the material to some kind of cellulose/starch-based water-soluble material?
This way, we can still sell and tax them, they can still buy them, but when they use them they'll just end up pissing themselves, holding some shreds of gooey pudding gel.
Quote from: Perineal Sponge on February 14, 2012, 04:27:53 AM
Mr. Cainad sir! Rumors abound among the masses about the plan to amend the Second Amendment to the right to bear iron claws (http://i39.tinypic.com/2lmxoxs.png). Have you decided which angle we're going to take with that?
Call it the "Awesome Tax".
Quote from: The Good Reverend Roger on February 14, 2012, 01:38:23 AM
How about the coveted "Your skies are dark with drones" award, which has for the last ten years been dominated by Pakistani competitors?
I'll consider it, but first I need to know how much he contributed to our pet legislators in the past election cycle. If we let ourselves play fast and loose with these standards, the public will lose confidence.
Quote from: Perineal Sponge on February 14, 2012, 04:27:53 AM
Mr. Cainad sir! Rumors abound among the masses about the plan to amend the Second Amendment to the right to bear iron claws (http://i39.tinypic.com/2lmxoxs.png). Have you decided which angle we're going to take with that?
I was thinking about (2/3)pi radians, does that seem reasonable? Or should we stick with degrees?
Also, we should probably make sure these iron claws are issued to children and anyone else deemed to be impressionable. They need to be able to quickly and decisively defend themselves from terrorist recruiters.