Author Topic: Cainad for President 2012  (Read 3566 times)

Cainad (dec.)

  • Houseplant Supreme
  • Deserved It
  • ****
  • Posts: 10739
  • The Emperor's Hairy Right Hand
    • View Profile
    • Internet Forum Safari
Re: Cainad for President 2012
« Reply #15 on: February 13, 2012, 10:56:23 pm »
And Cainad, you're going to LOVE this one: You told me there was this storm and everybody was all like wtf the power's out! the land phone lines are out! everything is out! I got this great idea, I once saw it in, oh everywhere else in Western civilisation: PUT CABLES UNDER GROUND! Crazy right? I know, "why didn't I think of that?", that's what you got me for, man!

Anything else, sir?

JESUS JACKJABBERING CHRIST

 :ohnotache:

This technology... it's fucking incredible! Amazing, that you people could have discovered such a thing!

We must implement this at once. We have every reason to believe The Commies will be trying to get one over on us. An Underground Cable Gap is unacceptable! They'll be lobbing our own piss jugs at us by this time next year if we do not take action.

Cainad (dec.)

  • Houseplant Supreme
  • Deserved It
  • ****
  • Posts: 10739
  • The Emperor's Hairy Right Hand
    • View Profile
    • Internet Forum Safari
Re: Cainad for President 2012
« Reply #16 on: February 13, 2012, 11:03:01 pm »

7.  TV Improvement.  All TV producers will wear electrodes attached to their bits.  When enough watchers register disapproval, they'll receive a 40,000 VDC shock to their happy place.

I will back this proposal, with one extra condition: producers of the History and Discovery Channels will have one year to create some quality programming that isn't about rednecks or fucking psychic space aliens. The penalty for failure will be six months of solitary confinement, being forced to watch their own trash on endless repeat.

Thurnez Isa

  • Director of the Church of Pornography and Jesus
  • Deserved It
  • ****
  • Posts: 7523
  • SCREAMING PRIMATE
    • View Profile
Re: Cainad for President 2012
« Reply #17 on: February 13, 2012, 11:07:22 pm »

7.  TV Improvement.  All TV producers will wear electrodes attached to their bits.  When enough watchers register disapproval, they'll receive a 40,000 VDC shock to their happy place.

I will back this proposal, with one extra condition: producers of the History and Discovery Channels will have one year to create some quality programming that isn't about rednecks or fucking psychic space aliens. The penalty for failure will be six months of solitary confinement, being forced to watch their own trash on endless repeat.

You know I actually sat down and watched History Channel for the first time in years a few days ago.
I didn't know Nostradamus predicted Alien Visitation through his water colour scrap book.
Through me the way to the city of woe, Through me the way to everlasting pain, Through me the way among the lost.
Justice moved my maker on high.
Divine power made me, Wisdom supreme, and Primal love.
Before me nothing was but things eternal, and eternal I endure.
Abandon all hope, you who enter here.

Dante

Mesozoic Mister Nigel

  • v=1/3πr2h
  • Deserved It
  • ****
  • Posts: 77637
  • The sky tastes like red exuberance.
    • View Profile
Re: Cainad for President 2012
« Reply #18 on: February 14, 2012, 12:10:28 am »

And Cainad, you're going to LOVE this one: You told me there was this storm and everybody was all like wtf the power's out! the land phone lines are out! everything is out! I got this great idea, I once saw it in, oh everywhere else in Western civilisation: PUT CABLES UNDER GROUND! Crazy right? I know, "why didn't I think of that?", that's what you got me for, man!

Oh, you'll love THIS: my dad has this little farm, and the power line that goes from the pole at the street to the farmhouse kept getting knocked down. So, he thought, why not find out what it would take to run it underground? He contacted the electric company and got all the permits and dug the trench and the electric company came out and routed the line and it was all ready, except the COUNTY WOULDN'T LET HIM RECONNECT THE HOUSE BECAUSE THE WIRING IN THE HOUSE WAS OUTDATED.

Basically, they would have been fine forever if he had left the aboveground line, but as soon as he put it underground they were all, "nooooo, since you updated that, now you have to rewire the whole house".

He couldn't afford it, so he never did it, and the house hasn't had electricity for 15 or so years now.

AMERICA!
“I’m guessing it was January 2007, a meeting in Bethesda, we got a bag of bees and just started smashing them on the desk,” Charles Wick said. “It was very complicated.”


The Good Reverend Roger

  • Horrible Bastard
  • One-Armed Jizz Moppers
  • Deserved It
  • **
  • Posts: 90428
    • View Profile
Re: Cainad for President 2012
« Reply #19 on: February 14, 2012, 12:11:43 am »

And Cainad, you're going to LOVE this one: You told me there was this storm and everybody was all like wtf the power's out! the land phone lines are out! everything is out! I got this great idea, I once saw it in, oh everywhere else in Western civilisation: PUT CABLES UNDER GROUND! Crazy right? I know, "why didn't I think of that?", that's what you got me for, man!

Oh, you'll love THIS: my dad has this little farm, and the power line that goes from the pole at the street to the farmhouse kept getting knocked down. So, he thought, why not find out what it would take to run it underground? He contacted the electric company and got all the permits and dug the trench and the electric company came out and routed the line and it was all ready, except the COUNTY WOULDN'T LET HIM RECONNECT THE HOUSE BECAUSE THE WIRING IN THE HOUSE WAS OUTDATED.

Basically, they would have been fine forever if he had left the aboveground line, but as soon as he put it underground they were all, "nooooo, since you updated that, now you have to rewire the whole house".

He couldn't afford it, so he never did it, and the house hasn't had electricity for 15 or so years now.

AMERICA!

That's the point where you're supposed to slip the inspector a sandwich with 5 Benjamins in it.
" It's just that Depeche Mode were a bunch of optimistic loveburgers."
- TGRR, shaming himself forever, 7/8/2017

 "Billy, when I say that ethics is our number one priority and safety is also our number one priority, you should take that to mean exactly what I said. Also quality. That's our number one priority as well. Don't look at me that way, you're in the corporate world now and this is how it works."
- TGRR, raising the bar at work.

Mesozoic Mister Nigel

  • v=1/3πr2h
  • Deserved It
  • ****
  • Posts: 77637
  • The sky tastes like red exuberance.
    • View Profile
Re: Cainad for President 2012
« Reply #20 on: February 14, 2012, 12:23:47 am »

And Cainad, you're going to LOVE this one: You told me there was this storm and everybody was all like wtf the power's out! the land phone lines are out! everything is out! I got this great idea, I once saw it in, oh everywhere else in Western civilisation: PUT CABLES UNDER GROUND! Crazy right? I know, "why didn't I think of that?", that's what you got me for, man!

Oh, you'll love THIS: my dad has this little farm, and the power line that goes from the pole at the street to the farmhouse kept getting knocked down. So, he thought, why not find out what it would take to run it underground? He contacted the electric company and got all the permits and dug the trench and the electric company came out and routed the line and it was all ready, except the COUNTY WOULDN'T LET HIM RECONNECT THE HOUSE BECAUSE THE WIRING IN THE HOUSE WAS OUTDATED.

Basically, they would have been fine forever if he had left the aboveground line, but as soon as he put it underground they were all, "nooooo, since you updated that, now you have to rewire the whole house".

He couldn't afford it, so he never did it, and the house hasn't had electricity for 15 or so years now.

AMERICA!

That's the point where you're supposed to slip the inspector a sandwich with 5 Benjamins in it.

I learned THAT the hard way about six years ago!

My dad's got to know, too, but he's a stubborn old fuck.  :lulz:
“I’m guessing it was January 2007, a meeting in Bethesda, we got a bag of bees and just started smashing them on the desk,” Charles Wick said. “It was very complicated.”


Cainad (dec.)

  • Houseplant Supreme
  • Deserved It
  • ****
  • Posts: 10739
  • The Emperor's Hairy Right Hand
    • View Profile
    • Internet Forum Safari
Re: Cainad for President 2012
« Reply #21 on: February 14, 2012, 12:53:34 am »
I know there are many citizens out there who question my motives. What's my angle, you ask. How can I possibly run on a platform that advocates annexing Toronto and letting the Attorney General dole out justice with a big ugly hammer? How on Earth do I intend to capture the public hearts and minds with a campaign based entirely around exuberantly depraved governance? Why should you lend me even a fraction of your attention?

Because I am the candidate that understands You.

I am the one who will give you what you really want. I'll give you so much of what you want you'll burst, and then I'll give you some more.

Because Mr. President loves you. He loves you to death.

A few hundred years ago, some snooty intellectual types started a trend that has continued to plague us right up to the present day. They infected our society with ideas like "natural human rights" and "reason." They said if we stuck with those ideas and implemented them in our daily lives, they would guide us to a bright and glorious future. But what did it really get us?

I dunno, but it's probably the reason the economy's in the shitter!

So I will do what no one has dared to do before. I shall give you your Freedom.

More Freedom than ever thought possible.

More Freedom than you really wanted.

The Good Reverend Roger

  • Horrible Bastard
  • One-Armed Jizz Moppers
  • Deserved It
  • **
  • Posts: 90428
    • View Profile
Re: Cainad for President 2012
« Reply #22 on: February 14, 2012, 12:56:34 am »
I know there are many citizens out there who question my motives. What's my angle, you ask. How can I possibly run on a platform that advocates annexing Toronto and letting the Attorney General dole out justice with a big ugly hammer?

Call it the Million-Ton Shit-Hammer, and the NASCAR yokels will be up out of their seats and giving the Nazi salute until they wear out the rotator cup in their right shoulder.

The rest of your speech can't be improved upon.
" It's just that Depeche Mode were a bunch of optimistic loveburgers."
- TGRR, shaming himself forever, 7/8/2017

 "Billy, when I say that ethics is our number one priority and safety is also our number one priority, you should take that to mean exactly what I said. Also quality. That's our number one priority as well. Don't look at me that way, you're in the corporate world now and this is how it works."
- TGRR, raising the bar at work.

Cainad (dec.)

  • Houseplant Supreme
  • Deserved It
  • ****
  • Posts: 10739
  • The Emperor's Hairy Right Hand
    • View Profile
    • Internet Forum Safari
Re: Cainad for President 2012
« Reply #23 on: February 14, 2012, 01:06:53 am »
I know there are many citizens out there who question my motives. What's my angle, you ask. How can I possibly run on a platform that advocates annexing Toronto and letting the Attorney General dole out justice with a big ugly hammer?

Call it the Million-Ton Shit-Hammer, and the NASCAR yokels will be up out of their seats and giving the Nazi salute until they wear out the rotator cup in their right shoulder.

The rest of your speech can't be improved upon.

:thanks:

And hell yes to the bolded; this is why the Secretary of State gets to keep one of the keys to the Fuck The World Switch. You've earned the goddamned right.



ACTUALLY, NEW IDEA


I have been enlightened to the true meaning of Freedom, and I have realized how best to give it to you. You, the People, do not need my government to make you Great. I shall put the means to be Great into your own hands, where it belongs.

Inside every home and apartment in America, there will be installed a big button in the largest room in the house. Pressing this button constitutes a vote in favor of Launching the Nukes.

When 51% of America has pushed the button, away they go.

The Good Reverend Roger

  • Horrible Bastard
  • One-Armed Jizz Moppers
  • Deserved It
  • **
  • Posts: 90428
    • View Profile
Re: Cainad for President 2012
« Reply #24 on: February 14, 2012, 01:07:41 am »
I know there are many citizens out there who question my motives. What's my angle, you ask. How can I possibly run on a platform that advocates annexing Toronto and letting the Attorney General dole out justice with a big ugly hammer?

Call it the Million-Ton Shit-Hammer, and the NASCAR yokels will be up out of their seats and giving the Nazi salute until they wear out the rotator cup in their right shoulder.

The rest of your speech can't be improved upon.

:thanks:

And hell yes to the bolded; this is why the Secretary of State gets to keep one of the keys to the Fuck The World Switch. You've earned the goddamned right.



ACTUALLY, NEW IDEA


I have been enlightened to the true meaning of Freedom, and I have realized how best to give it to you. You, the People, do not need my government to make you Great. I shall put the means to be Great into your own hands, where it belongs.

Inside every home and apartment in America, there will be installed a big button in the largest room in the house. Pressing this button constitutes a vote in favor of Launching the Nukes.

When 51% of America has pushed the button, away they go.

How many times can I push the button?
" It's just that Depeche Mode were a bunch of optimistic loveburgers."
- TGRR, shaming himself forever, 7/8/2017

 "Billy, when I say that ethics is our number one priority and safety is also our number one priority, you should take that to mean exactly what I said. Also quality. That's our number one priority as well. Don't look at me that way, you're in the corporate world now and this is how it works."
- TGRR, raising the bar at work.

Cainad (dec.)

  • Houseplant Supreme
  • Deserved It
  • ****
  • Posts: 10739
  • The Emperor's Hairy Right Hand
    • View Profile
    • Internet Forum Safari
Re: Cainad for President 2012
« Reply #25 on: February 14, 2012, 01:10:25 am »
Once by default, but you can buy a license to get your button reset so you can vote again.

Also, you can push other people's buttons.

Luna

  • Deserved It
  • ****
  • Posts: 7462
    • View Profile
Re: Cainad for President 2012
« Reply #26 on: February 14, 2012, 01:13:32 am »
Hrm...  I'd be happy to cast my vote in your favor...

I hope you will consider my application for Minister of Population Control.

First item on the agenda...  If you are behind on your fucking child support, you have one month to catch up, or we castrate you.  Anesthesia will be administered based on how FAR behind you are. 

Next, we start looking at Stupid Checks...
Death-dealing hormone freak of deliciousness
Pagan-Stomping Valkyrie of the Interbutts™
Rampaging Slayer of Shit-Fountain Habitues

"My father says that almost the whole world is asleep. Everybody you know, everybody you see, everybody you talk to. He says that only a few people are awake, and they live in a state of constant, total amazement."

If Luna was a furry, she'd sex humans and scream "BEASTIALITY!" at the top of her lungs at inopportune times.

I like the Luna one. She is a good one.

Quote
"Stop talking to yourself.  You don't like you any better than anyone else who knows you."

The Good Reverend Roger

  • Horrible Bastard
  • One-Armed Jizz Moppers
  • Deserved It
  • **
  • Posts: 90428
    • View Profile
Re: Cainad for President 2012
« Reply #27 on: February 14, 2012, 01:19:13 am »
Piss jugs, flying, hazards in the making.  You will punish the people responsible.

*ahem*
" It's just that Depeche Mode were a bunch of optimistic loveburgers."
- TGRR, shaming himself forever, 7/8/2017

 "Billy, when I say that ethics is our number one priority and safety is also our number one priority, you should take that to mean exactly what I said. Also quality. That's our number one priority as well. Don't look at me that way, you're in the corporate world now and this is how it works."
- TGRR, raising the bar at work.

Cainad (dec.)

  • Houseplant Supreme
  • Deserved It
  • ****
  • Posts: 10739
  • The Emperor's Hairy Right Hand
    • View Profile
    • Internet Forum Safari
Re: Cainad for President 2012
« Reply #28 on: February 14, 2012, 01:24:06 am »
Piss jugs, flying, hazards in the making.  You will punish the people responsible.

*ahem*

I think I need to experience the terror of piss jugs for myself. Up here in the swampy mountains, we don't really seem to have a problem with them.

The Good Reverend Roger

  • Horrible Bastard
  • One-Armed Jizz Moppers
  • Deserved It
  • **
  • Posts: 90428
    • View Profile
Re: Cainad for President 2012
« Reply #29 on: February 14, 2012, 01:27:49 am »
Piss jugs, flying, hazards in the making.  You will punish the people responsible.

*ahem*

I think I need to experience the terror of piss jugs for myself. Up here in the swampy mountains, we don't really seem to have a problem with them.

They're fucking KILLERS!  That fucker Mourning Star whipped one out the window over the Craycroft exit and killed a world war II vet who was going into the diner at the Triple T truck stop.  The bastard laughed all the way back to Albany.
" It's just that Depeche Mode were a bunch of optimistic loveburgers."
- TGRR, shaming himself forever, 7/8/2017

 "Billy, when I say that ethics is our number one priority and safety is also our number one priority, you should take that to mean exactly what I said. Also quality. That's our number one priority as well. Don't look at me that way, you're in the corporate world now and this is how it works."
- TGRR, raising the bar at work.