It occurs to me that it's only a "messiah complex" if you aren't actually the messiah. Since Payne demonstratably IS the messiah - as proven by his multiple deaths and resurrections - then he has no messiah complex. It's more like he has a bad case of messiah simplex, which leads to canker sores, bad hair, and eventual insanity.
The STD of the Gods, so to speak.
If indeed he ISN'T the messiah, then he'd instead have tiny invisible demons zipping in and out of every orifice, which would cause unspeakable pain. However, there is no pain, there is only Payne.
Therefore, he is the messiah, and isn't very complex.
QED.
100,000 years from now, human society will undoubtedly be so different from contemporary society, so different in technology, social structure, and world view, that our day-to-day thinking and activity will be as obscure and incomprehensible to them as the workings of neanderthal man are to us today.
Why did one group of them fly an airplane into a building occupied by members of this other group? Why did the other group fight a war in Iraq? Why are they so intently focused on a small group of religions known as "political parties"? Why did they choose a Scotsman as their ruler?
And WHAT is this "Discordianism" thing, anydamnway?
What was this strange fringe religion? Did they REALLY NOT NOTICE that it's Holy Man™ was a haggis-eating freak? Did they really have all the answers after all?
And they won't know the answers to these questions. Outside of a few obscure specialists operating in little-travelled byroads of their academia, there will be nobody who will even comprehend the questions.
But if they do manage to reconstruct our society at all...If they even CARE one way or another. If some genius among them is able to reactivate the crude electrically-fired magnetic artifacts which were our storehouse of knowledge, and to make sense out of the binary patterns encoded into them...If they can catalog the Internet and from that see where so much activity was centered during a few years of a lost age, and if in the process they are able to watch the day to day conversations and theological debates which constitute Discordianism...And in doing so, some single soul from the year 189843, alone but entranced in watching the very thought process of this strange but stirring long-forgotten race of another world happens to notice Payne among them, while he will not really grasp in any deep way the overall meaning of the times or our politics or beliefs or religion, Payne will present no mystery at all to him.
"What SPAG", he will think. "A gibbering freak from the highlands, and nothing else"
And on that point, if none other, he will be correct.
Okay for now,
Dok
It's this kind of Holy Man™ that makes it clear that most Discordians are too cheap to buy incense and instead leave all of their cleaning products open under the sink. That sort of prophet can make you think leather-clad leprechauns are breakdancing on top of your TV. I mean when they're really NOT, because sometimes they are.
There's a guy who lives in the dumpster behind the Chinese restaurant here, who says basically the same things that Payne is saying, except that he uses math instead of haggis as proof. Yet it appears he can't even wipe his own ass.
Now, would that homeless smelly guy behind the Great Wall of China be really just a mentally ill fellow with a messiah complex, or would he be simply another manifestation of Payne, an "outcropping," so to speak? Or is it just a coincidence that so many of the people in mental institutions and dumpsters say the same things about the world as Payne does? Or, more ominously, are those insane kooks who talk so much like Payne really just "set dressing" that some of the rogue Nigels set in place across the world at great expense, to distract the human populace from Payne's vast achievements, and make him appear to be just another crazy blabbering New Age casualty?
These are questions Discordians must answer (since Payne is dead again).
Fun fact: Payne uses natural geysers to bathe, as he NEEDS the mud. If he doesn't soil himself with alcohol, filth, and immoral behavior, his Holiness™ actually builds up to dangerous levels, and spontaneous miracles occur around him. And not just magnets and shit, either. Sometimes whole oceans part, dooming countless ships (and fish), or the mountain comes to him (sorry, London).
Entire herds of sheep spontaneously invert into haggis. While this may feed Scotsmen, it also deprives them of the wool which they need to weave into prophylactics (and the world doesn't need any more Scotsmen). Water turns into shitty beer, like Watneys. People jump into swimming pools and break both of their legs on the surface.
So, yeah, when you see Payne face down in the gutter, puking up crappy English beer, don't despise him.
Thank him.
Whoa. Payne is full of mysteries, that are not in and of themselves mysterious.
Quote from: LMNO, PhD (life continues) on March 20, 2012, 05:17:31 PM
Whoa. Payne is full of mysteries, that are not in and of themselves mysterious.
I was lonely, so I thought I'd record some scripture.
And no, Payne's mysteries are not very mysterious. The mystery is that there are SO MANY of them. He's been known to do ventriloquism while suffering from copromesis, for example. That's way harder than doing it while drinking a glass of water.
He has also healed the boots of Cornishmen, re-sized kilts, and even once survived the horror of "misbreathing" while playing the bagpipes, and thus being sucked up the pipe. The only other person who has survived that is P3nt, who has no bones as a result, and has to be poured into his kiyak.
Yes, Payne has done these things and many more. We just don't know
why.
If people LISTENED to Payne (as I did), you would see how you're only repeating the same sort of thing that's been done over and over again by people even dumber than yourselves - TO NO END. Human bickering and "problem-solving" never solves ANYTHING, but keeps the humans going around and around making irritating noises for no purpose.
This is why Payne endorses the use of atomic weapons for any reason or no reason at all.
All other religions, all other belief systems are cosmic crap, and that's all well and good until you stub your toe, or the cops pull you over, or the bills come due. Then all of the sudden there's greater significance in that nail poking out of the floor that you never noticed until it hurt your toe, or the tail-lights, or the fucking job. Miss a paycheck, wreck your car, and that nifty arbitrariness flies the coop.
THEN you'll wish you'd listened to Payne when you HAD THE CHANCE. THEN you'll be sorry that you have time to post in troll threads, time to worry about nonsense like the upcoming election, time for everything, in fact, besides Payne.
But then it will be too late, and your wails and the gnashing of your teeth will not be answered - or even heard - by Payne, because...Well, he's dead, and Pixie has him busy anyway, learning to visualize Maggie Thatcher's cleavage as penance for his vast and sundry list of SINS.
SINS that YOU PEOPLE have no hope of emulating. Mostly because you lack the required orifices.
Payne's Messiah Complex™ is proud to announce that they have added one new chapel, two new rides1, and a rib shack to the grounds.
1The Roller Coaster was left half completed for cheap laughs, and the Scrambler randomly extends out to the razor wire. The Complex is not responsible for any injuries or property damage resulting from excessive & sudden Holiness™.
Payne vs The Ancient Ones:
If you really want to know how smart the "ancient ones" were, look at their freaking descendants. Kid Rock and Pamela Anderson are intellectually, emotionally, spiritually, physically, and evolutionarily miles ahead of those animals, and they're still po'buckers.
So, yeah, I don't think we need to hear any more about how fucking awesome the fucking ancient Egyptians were.
This thread is full of win and amazing.
Quote from: The Freeky of SCIENCE! on March 20, 2012, 06:13:33 PM
This thread is full of win and amazing.
I thought I'd talk about Discordian shit for a while, instead of corned beef, politicians, and open bar stuff.
So far, I've had two replies. :lulz:
This makes me want to go on pilgrimmage to england.
Payne's Messiah ComplexTM sounds like somewhere non-believers would go to debunk, only to end up as an entree in the rib shack.
I live in hope of Payne's ressurection.
This thread is one of the best things I have ever read.
Ever.
Quote from: Nigel on March 21, 2012, 02:48:23 AM
This thread is one of the best things I have ever read.
Ever.
I felt that there was too much friction here, so I decided to post about something we can all agree on...You know, that Payne is a horrible little man who should be treated the way all holy men get treated, only the fucker died before we could "honor" him.
I need him now!
Which coming will it be?
Oh, He'll tell us what to do!
Quote from: Deepthroat Chopra on March 21, 2012, 03:11:34 AM
I need him now!
Which coming will it be?
Oh, He'll tell us what to do!
Or, at the very least, where to go.
As long as He tells me something to make it all make sense! There's only so much spiritual nurishment to be had from endless packets of Iced Vo-Vo's!
Payne turned down an honorary degree from Oxford, on the basis that they didn't have enough honor to spare. Likewise, he turned down a knighthood because knights don't actually go crusading anymore, and his comment was something along the lines of "What's the bloody point, then?"
What most people don't understand about Payne, is that he's too busy to accept meaningless honors from fatbacks who haven't budged from their seats since Maggie Thatcher shuffled off to her lair. His monks patrol the sewers, his undercover agents spread the flu through the ranks of the Met, and he himself is kept constantly hopping, protecting us all from Pixie's wrath. The hard way.
Another lesser-known fact is that the reason Payne had to move to the UK in the first place was that it isn't legally or morally permissable for he and Richter to operate on the same continent. It creates dimples in the Luck Plane that would result in horrible catastrophes...Hell, the fact that they even existed on the same continent for a short period of time during their childhoods resulted in the election of George W Bush.
If some STUPID GODDAMNED ASSHOLE will buy a cheese sandwich that has Mother Mary on it for $10k from Ebay, A Payne toe will draw $50k EASY. If it works, I bet 10 good American dollars (that's about 8 quid in metric) that Payne will be TOELESS by September. The temptation will be too great. Hell, the idea makes me wanna come to Southampton and cut one off of him myself. Better wear them boots to bed like a Cornishman, O Exalted One!
Imagine what a TESTICLE would bring.
Payne, addressing the heathens at an unknown bakery:
Quote from: Payne ApocryphaI always THOUGHT that You People were INSANE, but after visiting this bakery, I KNOW you are! How can you say that you are of the cut biscuit school when you go ahead and jam the biscuits into a pan so that they stick together? THE WHOLE POINT of cut biscuits is to have the sides of each biscuit become stratified after the biscuit rises! ALL SIDES! Not just SOME of the sides! With your method of baking cut biscuits you have to TEAR them apart JUST LIKE DROP BISCUITS, SO THEY MIGHT AS WELL BE DROP BISCUITS!
There's nothing I hate worse than biscuit school poseurs, except maybe John Major.
We here in The Church are unsure why this is spiritually important, but Payne was adamant about it. He was on about it for like 3 weeks.
Payne, being the devotee of all things scientific and spiritual that he is, once tested a popular question: "If you're driving at the speed of light, and you turn your headlights on, what happens?"
His answer was this: "The light comes out of your tailpipe...And when you get home, everyone you know has died of old age."
This was disputed by Stephen Hawking, who unfortunately did so under his own name. He is now in a wheelchair.
Many years ago, back in 2003, I was stunned to find that Payne not only believed in divination, but that he had a 100% success rate. He was even willing to demonstrate his method...Which was to shove all the tiles from a Scrabble game up a Chav's arse, and then kick him until they fall out, having an assistant record the order in which they emerged.
I tried this, and was rewarded with the message "NEWT GINGRICH SHALL RETURN". I thought the whole thing was obviously bullshit, and said so. Payne just laughed, and told me to wait and see.
I have waited, and I have seen.
We need to try this on Guidos, to keep the import expenses down.
Tried it on a hipster on Congress St.
Results:
QuoteSPEAK TO ME LIBRARY POLICE
IN MY HANDS MY DICK I SEIZE
LOOKS LIKE JAIL TIME YES I KNOW
OFF TO PRISON HERE I GO
Obviously, we're going to need to try this again.
I have stood in the presence of Payne. I have touched the hem of his garment. All I can say is - thank fuck for industrial detergent and clinical amputation - I could have lost much more than my arm!
Once Payne accosted me in the street and dragged me into McDonald's, explaining that I was "anointed" and, as such, honour-bound to pay for his McChicken sandwich. The whole time we were there he was ranting semi coherently about West Life and the moon landings and something to do with the guy who invented Post-It Notes.
When he left I noticed a fresh puddle of piss on his seat but, when I looked at the back of his trousers, they were bone dry. This was the one and only time I've ever intentionally stared at Payne's ass.
Quote from: P3nT4gR4m on March 21, 2012, 04:25:50 PM
I have stood in the presence of Payne. I have touched the hem of his garment. All I can say is - thank fuck for industrial detergent and clinical amputation - I could have lost much more than my arm!
Once Payne accosted me in the street and dragged me into McDonald's, explaining that I was "anointed" and, as such, honour-bound to pay for his McChicken sandwich. The whole time we were there he was ranting semi coherently about West Life and the moon landings and something to do with the guy who invented Post-It Notes.
When he left I noticed a fresh puddle of piss on his seat but, when I looked at the back of his trousers, they were bone dry. This was the one and only time I've ever intentionally stared at Payne's ass.
You got off easy. Rumor has it that Payne was so delighted with Triple Zero's visit that he made Trip a going away present with his very own hands. Anal beads, as I recall. It was weeks before the local lanes realized they were short two dozen bowling balls.
And as for the "pissmata", that's a very well documented phenomenon that Payne manifests on a regular basis, and at will. He takes the piss so hard that the victim of his mickey-extraction shrivels up and vanishes, leaving only a incorporeal puddle of piss on his seat. It usually vanishes within an hour, unless some unfortunate sits in it, in which case all the mickey goes straight up the poor bastard's arse, and he spends the next 3 months being really serious about himself.
Payne sometimes manifests at the Salvation army store. You'll know it's him because he'll be taking every gym bag and valise in the place, tearing it open to see if any money was left in it and then tossing it on the floor as he moves on to the next one. Best just to take note when he's biting the heads off of baby gophers or shooting at the cloud monsters. If he looks your way, the best response is to scowl, shake your fist at him and yell "SAME TO YOU!", before he says anything. Momentarily confusing him is really your only hope.
Dillinger stole the money.
Ken Lay stole the pensions.
But Payne took the piss.
To understand Payne, you must understand Pixie. This painful Truth cannot be avoided, no matter how hard she hits you. "BIGGER IS BETTER!", she yells, referring to the bumps on your head. Pixie is usually kind to the help, but cannot abide sissies and lesser wimps. There are no emo kids in Southampton, because she either cures them, kills them, or sends them screaming for London, where they sit around in Trafalgar Square, moaning about how things were so much more deliciously SAD in Southampton, and how put upon they all are...When they SHOULD be glad that they escaped with their make up & fishnet stockings.
Pixie isn't concerned with their fate, or the fate of London for that matter...She just doesn't want to deal with people moping all the time, so she gives them something to REALLY cry about. She once travelled to Arizona, and Hot Topic's stock fell 20 points on the news alone.
I need this in pocket-sized tome, bound with human skin.
Quote from: LMNO, PhD (life continues) on March 21, 2012, 06:02:30 PM
I need this in pocket-sized tome, bound with human skin.
You have a constitutional right to that.
PRAISE PAYNE!
In 2006, CIA gangster police beat me bloody and dragged me here in chains from Chicago Ohare Airport. Since then I hide in forced handjobless poverty, isolated alone in this...City. The brazen deadly gangster police spray me with poison nerve gas from automobile exhausts and even lawn mowers. Deadly assaults even in my yard with knives - even bricks and stones - even deadly touch "tavid" or electric shock flashlights, even remote electronically-controlled, around corners trajection of deadly touch tarantula spiders, or even bloody murder accidents...All to shut me up forever with a sneaky undetectable extermination, even with trained parrotting puppet assasins in maximum security insanity prison, just for writing these unforgivable TRUTHS.
Until my undetectible extermination, I, Doktor Howl, stand with Payne against your mad, deadly, world-wide conspiratorial gangster computer God Communism, with wall-to-wall deadly gangster electrobots.
AAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEE!
10 DEADLY SINS that you - YES, YOU - can commit to be more like Payne:
1. Presenting logic puzzles to BNP members.
2. Drinking shitty beer and LIKING it.
3. Bonsai-ing your hair.
4. Not bonsai-ing your beard.
5. Banzai-ing your beard.
6. Eating canned haggis.
7. Dropping ass in the bed.
8. Human pandering.
9. Failing to WOMP for extended periods of time.
10. Nun-lathering.
:lulz:
More wisdom from Payne:
Quote from: Some Dead Guy
That's the nature of the beast:
Run as fast as you can to keep the grease flowing, the grease that allows you to run at all. Do not ask where you are going, just GO. And don't look back. Something might be gaining on you.
Concerning teabaggers, occupiers, libertarians, Obama fans, and Ron Paul voters:
If someone veers off in the wrong direction due to lack of information, Payne can correct that...But if you hook 'em up to a Richterian response meter and the needle barely even twitches, you're in PLEASE POUND MY HEAD WITH AN UNABRIDGED DICTIONARY territory. Its enough to make you defecate, I tell you! PROJECTILE defecate!
People wear these ideologies like they're hazmat suits. They're sure to cover EVERY INCH of themselves, so that NO NEW IDEAS might stick to them. They're SO sure that THEY'RE right and that EVERYONE ELSE is wrong that you can't smear any Holiness™ on them, no matter how hard you swing.
Why? Because these groups have ALL THE ANSWERS, so long as you ONLY ASK AUTHORIZED QUESTIONS. They've got the cure-all for 220 years of weirdness. They're GENIUSES, because they have EASY ANSWERS TO VERY COMPLICATED PROBLEMS. All they have to do is to get everyone, every primate on the planet, to accept their swill and ACT IN WAYS THAT ARE NOT NATURAL FOR PRIMATES.
Of course, if you tell them that their easy answers have been tried and tried, over and over again...Or if you're so rude as to point out the HUGE FUCKING FLAWS, then you're an example of someone who should be shot or reeducated or marginalized or whatever. They're ALL THE SAME, when it comes down to the nut-cutting. You can judge ANY system by what it does or plans to do with dissidents, and right now, a lot of these people are starting to look like RED FUCKING CHINA.
They make no fucking sense. And they like it that way.
I guess that's enough.
Quote from: Doktor Howl on March 21, 2012, 04:06:06 PM
Payne, being the devotee of all things scientific and spiritual that he is, once tested a popular question: "If you're driving at the speed of light, and you turn your headlights on, what happens?"
His answer was this: "The light comes out of your tailpipe...And when you get home, everyone you know has died of old age."
This was disputed by Stephen Hawking, who unfortunately did so under his own name. He is now in a wheelchair.
Well, he's been in a wheelchair my entire adult life. just for perspective. Dude has lots of time to think.
Quote from: Nigel on March 22, 2012, 04:47:12 PM
Quote from: Doktor Howl on March 21, 2012, 04:06:06 PM
Payne, being the devotee of all things scientific and spiritual that he is, once tested a popular question: "If you're driving at the speed of light, and you turn your headlights on, what happens?"
His answer was this: "The light comes out of your tailpipe...And when you get home, everyone you know has died of old age."
This was disputed by Stephen Hawking, who unfortunately did so under his own name. He is now in a wheelchair.
Well, he's been in a wheelchair my entire adult life. just for perspective. Dude has lots of time to think.
Well, sure. Payne beat him up 40 years before he asked the question.
This is why 299,792,458 meters per second isn't just a good idea, it's the LAW.
Heh.
I guess Payne is just some guy I used to know.
No way man, Payne is THE PAYNE!
We can all only hope to be like him.
Dude Rocks like no other.
Quote from: What's-His-Name? on April 09, 2012, 09:16:06 PM
No way man, Payne is THE PAYNE!
We can all only hope to be like him.
Dude Rocks like no other.
Yeah, well, I had hoped to at least get a "hello" out of him with this thread.
Didn't work out. He's gone.
I wager he sends us his love just the same.
Which may explain this slight tickle I'm feeling all of a sudden.
Bump, for catch-upy goodness for y'all while I address the multiple and heinous blasphemies of this thread.
Quote from: Doktor Howl on March 20, 2012, 04:21:52 PM
It occurs to me that it's only a "messiah complex" if you aren't actually the messiah. Since Payne demonstratably IS the messiah - as proven by his multiple deaths and resurrections - then he has no messiah complex. It's more like he has a bad case of messiah simplex, which leads to canker sores, bad hair, and eventual insanity.
The STD of the Gods, so to speak.
If indeed he ISN'T the messiah, then he'd instead have tiny invisible demons zipping in and out of every orifice, which would cause unspeakable pain. However, there is no pain, there is only Payne.
Therefore, he is the messiah, and isn't very complex.
QED.
This is why Dok Howl is not allowed within 50 feet of ANY truly spiritual place anymore.
He denies my true tru-plex nature, which is the trinity between Complex, Simplex and Horniness.
For shame.
Quote from: Doktor Howl on March 20, 2012, 04:45:13 PM
100,000 years from now, human society will undoubtedly be so different from contemporary society, so different in technology, social structure, and world view, that our day-to-day thinking and activity will be as obscure and incomprehensible to them as the workings of neanderthal man are to us today.
Why did one group of them fly an airplane into a building occupied by members of this other group? Why did the other group fight a war in Iraq? Why are they so intently focused on a small group of religions known as "political parties"? Why did they choose a Scotsman as their ruler?
And WHAT is this "Discordianism" thing, anydamnway?
What was this strange fringe religion? Did they REALLY NOT NOTICE that it's Holy Man™ was a haggis-eating freak? Did they really have all the answers after all?
And they won't know the answers to these questions. Outside of a few obscure specialists operating in little-travelled byroads of their academia, there will be nobody who will even comprehend the questions.
But if they do manage to reconstruct our society at all...If they even CARE one way or another. If some genius among them is able to reactivate the crude electrically-fired magnetic artifacts which were our storehouse of knowledge, and to make sense out of the binary patterns encoded into them...If they can catalog the Internet and from that see where so much activity was centered during a few years of a lost age, and if in the process they are able to watch the day to day conversations and theological debates which constitute Discordianism...And in doing so, some single soul from the year 189843, alone but entranced in watching the very thought process of this strange but stirring long-forgotten race of another world happens to notice Payne among them, while he will not really grasp in any deep way the overall meaning of the times or our politics or beliefs or religion, Payne will present no mystery at all to him.
"What SPAG", he will think. "A gibbering freak from the highlands, and nothing else"
And on that point, if none other, he will be correct.
Okay for now,
Dok
It's this kind of talk that gets you the fiery bastinado. I swear, Buddha tried this with me the other day, and now he's sold Buddhism to Microsoft and has retired to Senegal to raise beans.
Quote from: Doktor Howl on March 20, 2012, 04:49:07 PM
It's this kind of Holy Man™ that makes it clear that most Discordians are too cheap to buy incense and instead leave all of their cleaning products open under the sink. That sort of prophet can make you think leather-clad leprechauns are breakdancing on top of your TV. I mean when they're really NOT, because sometimes they are.
This is correct.
One time I made the leprechaun joke to Queen Elizabeth I, and she was so disturbed she was never able to watch "Britains Got Talent" ever again. And also all that business in Ireland.
Quote from: Doktor Howl on March 20, 2012, 05:03:48 PM
There's a guy who lives in the dumpster behind the Chinese restaurant here, who says basically the same things that Payne is saying, except that he uses math instead of haggis as proof. Yet it appears he can't even wipe his own ass.
Now, would that homeless smelly guy behind the Great Wall of China be really just a mentally ill fellow with a messiah complex, or would he be simply another manifestation of Payne, an "outcropping," so to speak? Or is it just a coincidence that so many of the people in mental institutions and dumpsters say the same things about the world as Payne does? Or, more ominously, are those insane kooks who talk so much like Payne really just "set dressing" that some of the rogue Nigels set in place across the world at great expense, to distract the human populace from Payne's vast achievements, and make him appear to be just another crazy blabbering New Age casualty?
These are questions Discordians must answer (since Payne is dead again).
Did you know that I can bulge most fabrics really quite monstrously?
Quote from: Doktor Howl on March 20, 2012, 05:14:35 PM
Fun fact: Payne uses natural geysers to bathe, as he NEEDS the mud. If he doesn't soil himself with alcohol, filth, and immoral behavior, his Holiness™ actually builds up to dangerous levels, and spontaneous miracles occur around him. And not just magnets and shit, either. Sometimes whole oceans part, dooming countless ships (and fish), or the mountain comes to him (sorry, London).
Entire herds of sheep spontaneously invert into haggis. While this may feed Scotsmen, it also deprives them of the wool which they need to weave into prophylactics (and the world doesn't need any more Scotsmen). Water turns into shitty beer, like Watneys. People jump into swimming pools and break both of their legs on the surface.
So, yeah, when you see Payne face down in the gutter, puking up crappy English beer, don't despise him.
Thank him.
To be fair I did have to learn the Secrets of Elite Retardism at a very young age. All Jesus ever did was troll his mates and read the Torah. If you were wise you would crucify me now. But I know you won't.
You enjoy it too much. I am your spiritual Class A narcotic. Also I have nuns.
I can't wait til you get to the good bits. :lulz:
TDRR,
Heading for the bomb shelter.
Quote from: Doktor Howl on March 20, 2012, 05:22:22 PM
Quote from: LMNO, PhD (life continues) on March 20, 2012, 05:17:31 PM
Whoa. Payne is full of mysteries, that are not in and of themselves mysterious.
I was lonely, so I thought I'd record some scripture.
And no, Payne's mysteries are not very mysterious. The mystery is that there are SO MANY of them. He's been known to do ventriloquism while suffering from copromesis, for example. That's way harder than doing it while drinking a glass of water.
He has also healed the boots of Cornishmen, re-sized kilts, and even once survived the horror of "misbreathing" while playing the bagpipes, and thus being sucked up the pipe. The only other person who has survived that is P3nt, who has no bones as a result, and has to be poured into his kiyak.
Yes, Payne has done these things and many more. We just don't know why.
I could tell you why, but everyone I do it to turns into Newt Gingrich.
Yeah.
Quote from: Doktor Howl on March 20, 2012, 05:33:20 PM
If people LISTENED to Payne (as I did), you would see how you're only repeating the same sort of thing that's been done over and over again by people even dumber than yourselves - TO NO END. Human bickering and "problem-solving" never solves ANYTHING, but keeps the humans going around and around making irritating noises for no purpose.
This is why Payne endorses the use of atomic weapons for any reason or no reason at all.
CG never seemed to embrace my "A NUKE FOR EVERY MEXICAN" immigration policy.
Quote from: Doktor Howl on March 20, 2012, 05:38:14 PM
All other religions, all other belief systems are cosmic crap, and that's all well and good until you stub your toe, or the cops pull you over, or the bills come due. Then all of the sudden there's greater significance in that nail poking out of the floor that you never noticed until it hurt your toe, or the tail-lights, or the fucking job. Miss a paycheck, wreck your car, and that nifty arbitrariness flies the coop.
THEN you'll wish you'd listened to Payne when you HAD THE CHANCE. THEN you'll be sorry that you have time to post in troll threads, time to worry about nonsense like the upcoming election, time for everything, in fact, besides Payne.
But then it will be too late, and your wails and the gnashing of your teeth will not be answered - or even heard - by Payne, because...Well, he's dead, and Pixie has him busy anyway, learning to visualize Maggie Thatcher's cleavage as penance for his vast and sundry list of SINS.
SINS that YOU PEOPLE have no hope of emulating. Mostly because you lack the required orifices.
YOU SHITCOCKING BASTARDEFILER. YOUR PENANCE WILL NOT BE A PRETTY ONE. AFTER I'M DONE WITH YOU YOUR CORPSE WILL BE STUFFED INTO A SCIENTOLOGIST TIME CAPSULE TO TEACH DISTANT FUTURE GENERATIONS WHY THEY SHOULD NEVER TOM CRUISE CONTROL.
Quote from: Doktor Howl on March 20, 2012, 05:44:39 PM
Payne's Messiah Complex™ is proud to announce that they have added one new chapel, two new rides1, and a rib shack to the grounds.
1The Roller Coaster was left half completed for cheap laughs, and the Scrambler randomly extends out to the razor wire. The Complex is not responsible for any injuries or property damage resulting from excessive & sudden Holiness™.
AND INTRODUCING THE ROGERTRON, THE MOST ADVANCED AND REALISTIC BEAR BAITING RIDE IN EXISTENCE. YOU JUST HAVE TO PROVIDE YOUR OWN POWERPUFF GIRL COSTUMES.
Quote from: Doktor Howl on March 21, 2012, 02:53:41 AM
Quote from: Nigel on March 21, 2012, 02:48:23 AM
This thread is one of the best things I have ever read.
Ever.
I felt that there was too much friction here, so I decided to post about something we can all agree on...You know, that Payne is a horrible little man who should be treated the way all holy men get treated, only the fucker died before we could "honor" him.
Here I would tell Dok Howl to "Bring It Fat Man".
But I hear he's currently indisposed. I will therefore take it out on the Marshall Islands.
Quote from: Doktor Howl on March 21, 2012, 03:12:11 AM
Quote from: Deepthroat Chopra on March 21, 2012, 03:11:34 AM
I need him now!
Which coming will it be?
Oh, He'll tell us what to do!
Or, at the very least, where to go.
Or the secrets of Curly.
Quote from: The Payne on July 23, 2012, 08:46:45 PM
Quote from: Doktor Howl on March 20, 2012, 05:44:39 PM
Payne's Messiah Complex™ is proud to announce that they have added one new chapel, two new rides1, and a rib shack to the grounds.
1The Roller Coaster was left half completed for cheap laughs, and the Scrambler randomly extends out to the razor wire. The Complex is not responsible for any injuries or property damage resulting from excessive & sudden Holiness™.
AND INTRODUCING THE ROGERTRON, THE MOST ADVANCED AND REALISTIC BEAR BAITING RIDE IN EXISTENCE. YOU JUST HAVE TO PROVIDE YOUR OWN POWERPUFF GIRL COSTUMES.
:lulz:
Quote from: Doktor Howl on March 21, 2012, 03:31:51 PM
Payne turned down an honorary degree from Oxford, on the basis that they didn't have enough honor to spare. Likewise, he turned down a knighthood because knights don't actually go crusading anymore, and his comment was something along the lines of "What's the bloody point, then?"
What most people don't understand about Payne, is that he's too busy to accept meaningless honors from fatbacks who haven't budged from their seats since Maggie Thatcher shuffled off to her lair. His monks patrol the sewers, his undercover agents spread the flu through the ranks of the Met, and he himself is kept constantly hopping, protecting us all from Pixie's wrath. The hard way.
Another lesser-known fact is that the reason Payne had to move to the UK in the first place was that it isn't legally or morally permissable for he and Richter to operate on the same continent. It creates dimples in the Luck Plane that would result in horrible catastrophes...Hell, the fact that they even existed on the same continent for a short period of time during their childhoods resulted in the election of George W Bush.
This is scientifically proven trufact.
It's also why gay marriage is banned in many places. The idea of Richter and I getting it on and bearing legitimate heirs is even more horrifying to them that a power cut during the semi-final of American Idol.
They have no eye for beauty.
Quote from: Doktor Howl on March 21, 2012, 03:46:35 PM
If some STUPID GODDAMNED ASSHOLE will buy a cheese sandwich that has Mother Mary on it for $10k from Ebay, A Payne toe will draw $50k EASY. If it works, I bet 10 good American dollars (that's about 8 quid in metric) that Payne will be TOELESS by September. The temptation will be too great. Hell, the idea makes me wanna come to Southampton and cut one off of him myself. Better wear them boots to bed like a Cornishman, O Exalted One!
Imagine what a TESTICLE would bring.
I have but one toe per leg. A gigantic toe attached to my ankle. Feet are for losers.
The testicles on the other hand... Or on both hands...
They are indestructable to most implements of cutting. It's why I can never vasectomy myself, and have therefore had to avoid my more LMNOesque miracles.
Quote from: The Payne on July 23, 2012, 08:57:08 PM
Quote from: Doktor Howl on March 21, 2012, 03:46:35 PM
If some STUPID GODDAMNED ASSHOLE will buy a cheese sandwich that has Mother Mary on it for $10k from Ebay, A Payne toe will draw $50k EASY. If it works, I bet 10 good American dollars (that's about 8 quid in metric) that Payne will be TOELESS by September. The temptation will be too great. Hell, the idea makes me wanna come to Southampton and cut one off of him myself. Better wear them boots to bed like a Cornishman, O Exalted One!
Imagine what a TESTICLE would bring.
I have but one toe per leg. A gigantic toe attached to my ankle. Feet are for losers.
The testicles on the other hand... Or on both hands...
They are indestructable to most implements of cutting. It's why I can never vasectomy myself, and have therefore had to avoid my more LMNOesque miracles.
We'll take it still attached, then.
Won't the Ebay customer be
surprised? :lulz:
Quote from: Doktor Howl on March 21, 2012, 03:55:51 PM
Payne, addressing the heathens at an unknown bakery:
Quote from: Payne ApocryphaI always THOUGHT that You People were INSANE, but after visiting this bakery, I KNOW you are! How can you say that you are of the cut biscuit school when you go ahead and jam the biscuits into a pan so that they stick together? THE WHOLE POINT of cut biscuits is to have the sides of each biscuit become stratified after the biscuit rises! ALL SIDES! Not just SOME of the sides! With your method of baking cut biscuits you have to TEAR them apart JUST LIKE DROP BISCUITS, SO THEY MIGHT AS WELL BE DROP BISCUITS!
There's nothing I hate worse than biscuit school poseurs, except maybe John Major.
We here in The Church are unsure why this is spiritually important, but Payne was adamant about it. He was on about it for like 3 weeks.
They weren't even biscuits! They were fake scones!
:lulz:
Quote from: Doktor Howl on March 21, 2012, 04:06:06 PM
Payne, being the devotee of all things scientific and spiritual that he is, once tested a popular question: "If you're driving at the speed of light, and you turn your headlights on, what happens?"
His answer was this: "The light comes out of your tailpipe...And when you get home, everyone you know has died of old age."
This was disputed by Stephen Hawking, who unfortunately did so under his own name. He is now in a wheelchair.
I did that because otherwise the therom of Rule34 would have been fatally incomplete.
Hawkings nurse agrees with me, by the way.
Quote from: Doktor Howl on March 21, 2012, 04:13:32 PM
Many years ago, back in 2003, I was stunned to find that Payne not only believed in divination, but that he had a 100% success rate. He was even willing to demonstrate his method...Which was to shove all the tiles from a Scrabble game up a Chav's arse, and then kick him until they fall out, having an assistant record the order in which they emerged.
I tried this, and was rewarded with the message "NEWT GINGRICH SHALL RETURN". I thought the whole thing was obviously bullshit, and said so. Payne just laughed, and told me to wait and see.
I have waited, and I have seen.
We need to try this on Guidos, to keep the import expenses down.
Doesn't work. You just get Berlusconi propaganda, and the scrabble pieces mysteriously disappear from this reality.
Quote from: P3nT4gR4m on March 21, 2012, 04:25:50 PM
I have stood in the presence of Payne. I have touched the hem of his garment. All I can say is - thank fuck for industrial detergent and clinical amputation - I could have lost much more than my arm!
Once Payne accosted me in the street and dragged me into McDonald's, explaining that I was "anointed" and, as such, honour-bound to pay for his McChicken sandwich. The whole time we were there he was ranting semi coherently about West Life and the moon landings and something to do with the guy who invented Post-It Notes.
When he left I noticed a fresh puddle of piss on his seat but, when I looked at the back of his trousers, they were bone dry. This was the one and only time I've ever intentionally stared at Payne's ass.
P3nT was very lucky. Not just anyone gets to buy me food.
Quote from: Doktor Howl on March 21, 2012, 04:33:46 PM
Quote from: P3nT4gR4m on March 21, 2012, 04:25:50 PM
I have stood in the presence of Payne. I have touched the hem of his garment. All I can say is - thank fuck for industrial detergent and clinical amputation - I could have lost much more than my arm!
Once Payne accosted me in the street and dragged me into McDonald's, explaining that I was "anointed" and, as such, honour-bound to pay for his McChicken sandwich. The whole time we were there he was ranting semi coherently about West Life and the moon landings and something to do with the guy who invented Post-It Notes.
When he left I noticed a fresh puddle of piss on his seat but, when I looked at the back of his trousers, they were bone dry. This was the one and only time I've ever intentionally stared at Payne's ass.
You got off easy. Rumor has it that Payne was so delighted with Triple Zero's visit that he made Trip a going away present with his very own hands. Anal beads, as I recall. It was weeks before the local lanes realized they were short two dozen bowling balls.
And as for the "pissmata", that's a very well documented phenomenon that Payne manifests on a regular basis, and at will. He takes the piss so hard that the victim of his mickey-extraction shrivels up and vanishes, leaving only a incorporeal puddle of piss on his seat. It usually vanishes within an hour, unless some unfortunate sits in it, in which case all the mickey goes straight up the poor bastard's arse, and he spends the next 3 months being really serious about himself.
They both got off easy.
Lookit what I gave Pixie.
GO ON, LOOK!
Quote from: Doktor Howl on March 21, 2012, 04:50:58 PM
Payne sometimes manifests at the Salvation army store. You'll know it's him because he'll be taking every gym bag and valise in the place, tearing it open to see if any money was left in it and then tossing it on the floor as he moves on to the next one. Best just to take note when he's biting the heads off of baby gophers or shooting at the cloud monsters. If he looks your way, the best response is to scowl, shake your fist at him and yell "SAME TO YOU!", before he says anything. Momentarily confusing him is really your only hope.
Actually, I'm looking for Sally and Ann, to fulfil the Prophecy.
And I'm not looking for money in the valises, I am actually re-enacting the Gospel of Adam Ant.
Quote from: Doktor Howl on March 21, 2012, 05:20:05 PM
To understand Payne, you must understand Pixie. This painful Truth cannot be avoided, no matter how hard she hits you. "BIGGER IS BETTER!", she yells, referring to the bumps on your head. Pixie is usually kind to the help, but cannot abide sissies and lesser wimps. There are no emo kids in Southampton, because she either cures them, kills them, or sends them screaming for London, where they sit around in Trafalgar Square, moaning about how things were so much more deliciously SAD in Southampton, and how put upon they all are...When they SHOULD be glad that they escaped with their make up & fishnet stockings.
Pixie isn't concerned with their fate, or the fate of London for that matter...She just doesn't want to deal with people moping all the time, so she gives them something to REALLY cry about. She once travelled to Arizona, and Hot Topic's stock fell 20 points on the news alone.
Pixie is a very bad girl.
She chastised Princess Di for her shocking treatment of the royal family once, and then blamed it on Philip.
She also does unspeakable things with lemon.
SECRET THINGS.
Quote from: Doktor Howl on March 22, 2012, 03:23:36 PM
Concerning teabaggers, occupiers, libertarians, Obama fans, and Ron Paul voters:
If someone veers off in the wrong direction due to lack of information, Payne can correct that...But if you hook 'em up to a Richterian response meter and the needle barely even twitches, you're in PLEASE POUND MY HEAD WITH AN UNABRIDGED DICTIONARY territory. Its enough to make you defecate, I tell you! PROJECTILE defecate!
People wear these ideologies like they're hazmat suits. They're sure to cover EVERY INCH of themselves, so that NO NEW IDEAS might stick to them. They're SO sure that THEY'RE right and that EVERYONE ELSE is wrong that you can't smear any Holiness™ on them, no matter how hard you swing.
Why? Because these groups have ALL THE ANSWERS, so long as you ONLY ASK AUTHORIZED QUESTIONS. They've got the cure-all for 220 years of weirdness. They're GENIUSES, because they have EASY ANSWERS TO VERY COMPLICATED PROBLEMS. All they have to do is to get everyone, every primate on the planet, to accept their swill and ACT IN WAYS THAT ARE NOT NATURAL FOR PRIMATES.
Of course, if you tell them that their easy answers have been tried and tried, over and over again...Or if you're so rude as to point out the HUGE FUCKING FLAWS, then you're an example of someone who should be shot or reeducated or marginalized or whatever. They're ALL THE SAME, when it comes down to the nut-cutting. You can judge ANY system by what it does or plans to do with dissidents, and right now, a lot of these people are starting to look like RED FUCKING CHINA.
They make no fucking sense. And they like it that way.
Yeah. It's like they can't take a joke. Just the other day the Queen went actually rabid when someone mentioned the name of some
other guy named Steve the palace over from her. Didn't even come at me though. Just paraded around on a boat in the Thames for just long enough to let her sweet old husband to get painfully ill.
All the bastards are shutting up now, because no one can hear there billious rhetoric as anything but static and elevator muzak, and we have entered an era where rage must be socially sanctioned. The 'Other' is reduced to a novelty in such tired and hackneyed ways that the original impact of the social contagion is lost under strata upon strata of cliched and tired grey boredom.
It's times like these (as Dave Grohl managed to make into a hit song, through
relentless repetition) that make me want to shake people by the shoulders screaming until my teeth fly out and lodge in them.
Yeah I get pissed off sometimes. Torrentially and cleansingly pissed off. But I can only do it for a time, a very small time. Cause if I don't, and walk around with
that face on all the time, then I really do begin to get The Fear. I have not enough worms in my brain for that.
Worms or no, though. I will continue stomping spiders.
Quote from: Doktor Howl on April 09, 2012, 09:14:00 PM
Heh.
I guess Payne is just some guy I used to know.
It's all right. I'm just some guy I used to know to me too.
Quote from: Doktor Howl on April 09, 2012, 09:16:58 PM
Quote from: What's-His-Name? on April 09, 2012, 09:16:06 PM
No way man, Payne is THE PAYNE!
We can all only hope to be like him.
Dude Rocks like no other.
Yeah, well, I had hoped to at least get a "hello" out of him with this thread.
Didn't work out. He's gone.
40 days and 40 nights is for pussies.
If you're going to do something, do it
right.
Payne's Messiah Complex proudly announces the first ever drive-through flaggelation service.
Payne's Messiah Complex now also offers Penance To Go™. It can be supersized for an additional $0.50.
Payne's Messiah Complex didn't award me my Ecclesiastical Employee of the Month Certificate until AFTER I got banned from the whole thing.
I still get the discount on Baptisms by Jenkem, though. I'm told it's even more potent than a baptism by fire!
Quote from: Cainad on December 06, 2012, 09:06:32 PM
Payne's Messiah Complex didn't award me my Ecclesiastical Employee of the Month Certificate until AFTER I got banned from the whole thing.
I still get the discount on Baptisms by Jenkem, though. I'm told it's even more potent than a baptism by fire!
The euphoria lasts longer and the scarring is about the same, so all things considered, that's a step up, yeah?