Recently I opined that Discordianism makes you a better person.
I just want to clarify this does NOT mean this religion will make you better than other people. In some instances, yes.
Payne, for example, is a much better Messiah than you could get with any other religion. His Holy(TM) last longer and at a greater frequency than the leading competitor (which I believe is Tom Cruise).
And you can bet money you won't find better a Dark Empresses than Nigel. Have you even shopped around? I have, let me assure you she offers top of the line terrifying religious frenzy. Accept no substitute.
Let's no pretend anyone has anything on our The Good Dead Reverend Roger. Did you know most preachers buy books of pre-written sermons? Canned sermons? Jesus.
Anyhow. These clear examples of superiority aside, Discordianism doesn't make you better than anyone else save for one. After experiencing the power of Eris you will be better than YOU were before. Here is a small list of ways Eris can help improve your horrible, culturally mutilated self"
-You will smell better.
-You will stop using faux ebonics.
-You will gain powerful insights into the lives of perverts you didn't know existed.
-You will be able to retain your fluids for longer, then release them in small, high-powered burst.
-You may experience moments where you actually think for yourself.
-You will learn to laugh at the misfortune of others, but most especially yourself.
-You will take up useless hobbies that enrich your brain meat.
-You will speak fearlessly to morons, making their teeth gnash and their eyes weep tears of blood.
-You will enjoy oranges more thoroughly.
And much, much more.
MORE THAN YOU DID BEFORE.
So don't hesitate, kids. Go down to your local pharmacy and get a good dose of Eris shoved into your tear-ducts and weep like a little baby on a roller coaster. More better than previously.
AMEN.
I needz mo' Eris. I still be usin' faux ebonics, yo.
Quote from: Alty on July 23, 2012, 08:22:39 PM
Let's no pretend anyone has anything on our The Good Dead Reverend Roger. Did you know most preachers buy books of pre-written sermons? Canned sermons? Jesus.
This sort of shit is exactly why - if you MUST be a Christian - you should get all your sermons via AM radio out of backwoods Missouri.
I don't WANT to smell BETTER. I WANT TO SMELL WORSE
WORSE THAN ANYTHING THAT HAS EVER COME BEFORE
SO BAD THAT NOTHING WILL EVER COME AGAIN, WITHOUT MY EXPRESS PERMISSION.
:crankey:
ALTY, ON THE OTHER HAND, SMELLS SWEET AS A PIECE OF HONEYCOMB AND IS TWICE AS STICKY. DON'T ASK HIM HOW HE DOES THAT. DON'T.
I WARNED YOU.
Quote from: PROFOUNDLY RETARDED CHARLIE MANSON on July 24, 2012, 01:21:23 AM
I don't WANT to smell BETTER. I WANT TO SMELL WORSE
WORSE THAN ANYTHING THAT HAS EVER COME BEFORE
SO BAD THAT NOTHING WILL EVER COME AGAIN, WITHOUT MY EXPRESS PERMISSION.
:crankey:
ALTY, ON THE OTHER HAND, SMELLS SWEET AS A PIECE OF HONEYCOMB AND IS TWICE AS STICKY. DON'T ASK HIM HOW HE DOES THAT. DON'T.
I WARNED YOU.
Fact: Alty was attacked by killer bees while he was in Tucson.
But they didn't sting him. Oh, no.
Quote from: The Dead Reverend Roger on July 24, 2012, 01:22:32 AM
Quote from: PROFOUNDLY RETARDED CHARLIE MANSON on July 24, 2012, 01:21:23 AM
I don't WANT to smell BETTER. I WANT TO SMELL WORSE
WORSE THAN ANYTHING THAT HAS EVER COME BEFORE
SO BAD THAT NOTHING WILL EVER COME AGAIN, WITHOUT MY EXPRESS PERMISSION.
:crankey:
ALTY, ON THE OTHER HAND, SMELLS SWEET AS A PIECE OF HONEYCOMB AND IS TWICE AS STICKY. DON'T ASK HIM HOW HE DOES THAT. DON'T.
I WARNED YOU.
Fact: Alty was attacked by killer bees while he was in Tucson.
But they didn't sting him. Oh, no.
The worst part was a week later when all the eggs hatched.
And he just walked around, smiling. He LIKED it.
Quote from: PROFOUNDLY RETARDED CHARLIE MANSON on July 24, 2012, 01:24:25 AM
Quote from: The Dead Reverend Roger on July 24, 2012, 01:22:32 AM
Quote from: PROFOUNDLY RETARDED CHARLIE MANSON on July 24, 2012, 01:21:23 AM
I don't WANT to smell BETTER. I WANT TO SMELL WORSE
WORSE THAN ANYTHING THAT HAS EVER COME BEFORE
SO BAD THAT NOTHING WILL EVER COME AGAIN, WITHOUT MY EXPRESS PERMISSION.
:crankey:
ALTY, ON THE OTHER HAND, SMELLS SWEET AS A PIECE OF HONEYCOMB AND IS TWICE AS STICKY. DON'T ASK HIM HOW HE DOES THAT. DON'T.
I WARNED YOU.
Fact: Alty was attacked by killer bees while he was in Tucson.
But they didn't sting him. Oh, no.
The worst part was a week later when all the eggs hatched.
And he just walked around, smiling. He LIKED it.
Compared to home, it was probably a relief. I mean, compared to polar bear eggs hatching down there.
Um...
Or penguins.
Ouch.
:lol:
Quote from: The Dead Reverend Roger on July 24, 2012, 01:25:26 AM
Quote from: PROFOUNDLY RETARDED CHARLIE MANSON on July 24, 2012, 01:24:25 AM
Quote from: The Dead Reverend Roger on July 24, 2012, 01:22:32 AM
Quote from: PROFOUNDLY RETARDED CHARLIE MANSON on July 24, 2012, 01:21:23 AM
I don't WANT to smell BETTER. I WANT TO SMELL WORSE
WORSE THAN ANYTHING THAT HAS EVER COME BEFORE
SO BAD THAT NOTHING WILL EVER COME AGAIN, WITHOUT MY EXPRESS PERMISSION.
:crankey:
ALTY, ON THE OTHER HAND, SMELLS SWEET AS A PIECE OF HONEYCOMB AND IS TWICE AS STICKY. DON'T ASK HIM HOW HE DOES THAT. DON'T.
I WARNED YOU.
Fact: Alty was attacked by killer bees while he was in Tucson.
But they didn't sting him. Oh, no.
The worst part was a week later when all the eggs hatched.
And he just walked around, smiling. He LIKED it.
Compared to home, it was probably a relief. I mean, compared to polar bear eggs hatching down there.
Oh god, especially when you consider how
heavy it is to be swarmed by a hive of polar bears!
If bee puke is honey, what is polar bear puke?
Mittens to the op. Refreshing.
Quote from: PROFOUNDLY RETARDED CHARLIE MANSON on July 24, 2012, 01:21:23 AM
I don't WANT to smell BETTER. I WANT TO SMELL WORSE
WORSE THAN ANYTHING THAT HAS EVER COME BEFORE
SO BAD THAT NOTHING WILL EVER COME AGAIN, WITHOUT MY EXPRESS PERMISSION.
:crankey:
ALTY, ON THE OTHER HAND, SMELLS SWEET AS A PIECE OF HONEYCOMB AND IS TWICE AS STICKY. DON'T ASK HIM HOW HE DOES THAT. DON'T.
I WARNED YOU.
THEN YOU WILL SMELL MORE WORSE AND WITH GREATER EFFICIENCY.
I am terrified by bees, yet somehow this thread... :fap:
Quote from: Alty on July 23, 2012, 08:22:39 PM
Payne, for example, is a much better Messiah than you could get with any other religion. His Holy(TM) last longer and at a greater frequency than the leading competitor (which I believe is Tom Cruise).
This is why Katie Holmes is also divorcing me too, even though we have never been married.