Ive got an itch behind my eyes and blue phlegm. My freckles have also turned green and my reflection is right handed too. What is wrong with me and what sort of elixirs do you have for it?
STEP RIGHT UP
Have I got the cure, elixir, tonic, oil, salve, tincture, or potion for your ill?
YES I DO
Am I medically licensed to give out medicine?
NO I AM NOT
Is this stuff technically medicine?
LET'S NOT GO THERE OKAY
STEP right up
YOU, son! You look a little green around the gills. Your eyes itch, and your phlegm is blue, you say?
HAVE I GOT THE REMEDY FOR YOU
You look like you're suffering from a rare case of Tropical Space AIDS compounded by congenital penis fingers. Why that's a bad case, son! That's the same thing that killed Klaus Nomi!
Okay here's what you're a-going to do
Here is season 1-3 of My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic
I want you to go home and then put it in your DVD player. I want you to put a sheet over your TV and then sit under said sheet, so that all you can see is the TV. I want you to plug these ear buds into your a-television set. And I want you to spend all day in there, just absorbing the friendship and the magic. Let it wash over you. It contains nine COUNT EM NINE essential minerals, guaranteed to give you VIM, and make you fit as a fiddle and gay as a goose in springtime.
COME ONE, COME ALL
Poxwattle,
I have a searing pain behind my eye. All damn day and night. No painkillers touch it. It's been there for years and I'm considering just taking a spoon to it. Just for a different kind of pain for a while, you know?
Can you recommend an alternative?
Poxwattle,
I have a case of the dropsy, the drowsy, and the dysentery! What magic medicine do you have for me today?!
Quote from: Junkenstein on August 22, 2013, 06:57:26 PM
Poxwattle,
I have a searing pain behind my eye. All damn day and night. No painkillers touch it. It's been there for years and I'm considering just taking a spoon to it. Just for a different kind of pain for a while, you know?
Can you recommend an alternative?
Yes indeedy duo, I have a cure for YUO.
Here's your problem - your eye is popping out. Probably because a worm has gotten into your brain and it's pushing your eyeball around.
Normally I'd recommend taking an ice cream scoop to your head and fish the little bastard out of there. But that wouldn't help, it'd just drive the thing deeper, probably causing your other eye to bulge out.
So instead, here's what we're a-going to do. Take this here tub of Elmer's glue. What you need to do is put the glue into these horse pills. Jam the pills up your nose. Then, ease the worm out of your tear duct using an open bottle of Tequilla, which I will provide at a low low cost of 149.99.99. The extra 99 is for savings.
GUARANTEED*
*not guaranteed to fix your medical malady, guaranteed savings on what I would otherwise charge
Quote from: Suu on August 22, 2013, 07:00:22 PM
Poxwattle,
I have a case of the dropsy, the drowsy, and the dysentery! What magic medicine do you have for me today?!
Step right up young lady,
Dropsy, drowsy, and the dysentery you say?
Why, your problem is clear as day!
You have an excess of vapors.
Here's what you're a-going to do. I'm going to sell you this medical whoopee cushion. No, don't put your mouth on the sphincter, there's a good girl. It's exactly the opposite. You need to put the mouth of the whoopee cushion up to your derriere. That's right. Now when you get the vapors, let them loose into the whoopee cushion.
That will be 40 cents!
30 if I can watch you fill the cushion. Old Phineas has been on the road a long time.
:lol:
Dear Poxwattle.
I have the chicken pox, the sheep pox, wolf pox and badger pox.
Also, I have a case of highly contagious doomsday herpes.
wat do
Poxwattle,
I do declare, I fear I am afflicted with a case of the vapors. What medicine to spring me from my fainting couch?
Holy fuck. :lulz: :lulz: :lulz:
Quote from: Waffleman on August 22, 2013, 07:22:31 PM
Dear Poxwattle.
I have the chicken pox, the sheep pox, wolf pox and badger pox.
Also, I have a case of highly contagious doomsday herpes.
wat do
Son, you need to wattle it.
Here's what I'm going to give you: a blanket made of asbestos. You wrap it around your head five or six or seven or ten times, then cover it with petroleum jelly.
Next, drink water out of the far side of a glass while leaning backwards out a window, and then get a little kid to blow up a brown paper bag and POP it as loud as he can. The shock should send your nervous system into a poxless state.
So that should cure you, but you gotta be more careful, my boy! I know you're filled with temptations. These days, the world is full of temptations. Back when I was a boy like yourself I didn't have the twitter or the tiny friendly crabs or the self-pinching nipples. We had to amuse ourselves by making sock puppets out of living woodland creatures. When the creatures gave up their ehh 'life pulse' we would wear them as socks, which is the only reason I call them sock puppets instead of fist warmers. So the moral of the story is, stay away from sheep, wolves, and badgers.
The trick, son, is simple, and I'll tell it to ya for a nickle. Alright, that's a good boy, you're a keeper. The trick is this:
if you're going to bugger a series of animals, you need to do it in the right order. First prey, then predator. You can't just put your pecker in a wolf, then in a rabbit. That's not natural. That's not what mother nature intended. You have to follow the food chain. First, the wolf, THEN, the rabbit!
That's a good boy. Now move aside kid, you're blocking the line.
Quote from: McGrupp on August 22, 2013, 07:23:48 PM
Poxwattle,
I do declare, I fear I am afflicted with a case of the vapors. What medicine to spring me from my fainting couch?
Well Miss Suu over here just bought my last vapor remedy. But don't think Old Phineas can't solve your problem, no sir!
What I've got here is a couchapult. It's like a couch, but when you pull this here lever, it throws you clear over the river. Any vapors you've got left inside you will be left behind, along with the excrement. Yes, the velocity of the couchapult will cause your body to evacuate any waste. But that's how you know the remedy
is working!
Poxwattle,
This tequila smells like paint thinner. And tastes like paint thinner.
It's giving me a serious case of the ruminations.
Quote from: Junkenstein on August 22, 2013, 08:18:38 PM
Poxwattle,
This tequila smells like paint thinner. And tastes like paint thinner.
It's giving me a serious case of the ruminations.
It also removes paint at NO ADDED COST
STEP RIGHT UP
here's some packing tape
you put it all over your body
Quote"It's a couch"
Quote"It's a fuck bag"
Quote"It's a couch"
Quote"It's a fuck bag"
Stop it you two numbskulls!
It's both!Here's some hockey tape and some petroleum jelly, knock yourselves out.
My little pony seems to have turned me into a hawaiian space fish. Id pray to pele to fix it but the profit pbuh (paying bucks ultimately helps) forbids it. Plus fish and volcanos dont get along too swimmingly. More fix please.
Poxwattle, I accidentally kicked myself in the NADZ. I think I broke all the toes on my right foot. How do I make them grow back?
Poxwattle, I'm all backed up, and I no longer have the endurance for the sustained screaming discipline I've been practicing since March. Have you a cure for what ails me?
Poxtwattle, I thank you for curing me .
However, since then I have rather unexpectedly become a twatwaffle. How do I mend this?
Poxwattle,
I have a bad case of the Heebies and I'm concerned that I may also get the Jeebies as well. What can I do to cure the Heebies and ward off the Jeebies?
Quote from: Aloha Ackbar on August 22, 2013, 08:29:04 PM
My little pony seems to have turned me into a hawaiian space fish. Id pray to pele to fix it but the profit pbuh (paying bucks ultimately helps) forbids it. Plus fish and volcanos dont get along too swimmingly. More fix please.
Sorry son, I thought you
wanted to be a hawaiian space fish.
I can't do anything for you, but I will sell you this aquarium full of gin.
I've also got some mint seeds you can plant in it. Swim right up that's a good fish!
Quote from: P3nT4gR4m on August 22, 2013, 08:39:37 PM
Poxwattle, I accidentally kicked myself in the NADZ. I think I broke all the toes on my right foot. How do I make them grow back?
*bites coin*, Mm
Thank you very much, son. Here's what I can do for you. I can teach you an aerobic exercise which will stimulate the vescicles and tubules in your joints, promoting growth and regeneration.
Stand up straight now. Hands at your side. Eyes forward. Back straight, son! No slouching!
Take your right foot in your left hand. Now throw it over your shoulder.
Now take your left foot in your right hand. Now throw it over the other shoulder.
There's a good boy.
Do this about 81 times a day and your piggies will be wiggling in no time flat.
Quote from: FOCUS GROUP RAGEMONKEY OF HATE HATE HATE on August 23, 2013, 12:33:33 AM
Poxwattle, I'm all backed up, and I no longer have the endurance for the sustained screaming discipline I've been practicing since March. Have you a cure for what ails me?
No endurance? Backed up? Frog in your throat? Has Phineas T Poxwattle got something to cure you?
*cups his ear to the crowd*
Folks, this is where you shout "Hell yes"
NOW
Has Phineas T Poxwattle got something to cure you?*cups his ear to the crowd*
Come on, guys. What is this, a cricket convention? Alright, anyway,
step right up, Miss. Right here, what I've got, is a bottle of gen-u-ine tonic water. I want you to mix this with some of the gin from that fish tank over there, and apply it liberally to your liver and kidneys by way of your mouth.
THAT'S NOT FAST ENOUGH, you say?
I will sell you this box of tampons, which you can use to absorb the gin and ingest it through your derriere.
Don't pay any attention to the hawaiian space fish.
P.T. Poxwattle!
I have a serious problem with snake-oil salesmen. I keep buying their snake oil and now my house is so full of snake oil jars that I can't hardly get around my own home. This slick shine you see all over me is not sweat: I am literally covered in snake oil. My wife has taken the kids off to her mother's house until I can get my problem sorted out.
Can you help?
Quote from: Bebek Sincap Ratatosk on August 23, 2013, 12:04:02 PM
Poxwattle,
I have a bad case of the Heebies and I'm concerned that I may also get the Jeebies as well. What can I do to cure the Heebies and ward off the Jeebies?
What has old Phineas got in his bag today?
*rummaging*
speculum...
fishing wire...
brimbles & zads....
Cinnamon Toast Crunch...
AHAH!
Son, this will cure what ails ye: a T-Shirt that says #YOLO
You only live once, son. Let everybody know.
Quote from: Cainad on August 23, 2013, 03:04:53 PM
P.T. Poxwattle!
I have a serious problem with snake-oil salesmen. I keep buying their snake oil and now my house is so full of snake oil jars that I can't hardly get around my own home. This slick shine you see all over me is not sweat: I am literally covered in snake oil. My wife has taken the kids off to her mother's house until I can get my problem sorted out.
Can you help?
Can Phineas T Poxwattle help?
They say there are no stupid questions, only stupid people, and as my old friend PT Barnum used to say, uh, "Cash or credit?"
Can Phineas T Poxwattle help? Why just look around you.
*subtly pulls blanket over the fish tank and unconscious bodies surrounding it* Too much snake oil, you say? You've got pills out the gills? Too much medical junk in your trunk?
Here's what I've got for you. A top hat. A cane. A tin of mustache wax. A soap box. A Dream!
You, yes YOU, can make unbelievable money by hocking snake oil, home remedies, homeopathic chicanery, and sugar pills. All you need is a half dozen complete boobs, halfwits, nitwits, cockleberries, numbskulls, spags, macguffins, and tin foil hat wearing cranks.
I'll get you started!
*pushes Cainad up onto the soap box, wipes his forehead with a cloth, sits down, exhausted*
*stumbles a bit before regaining balance*
Oh, um... very well then!
COME ONE, COME ALL! I've got solutions to your problems that are so spectacular, you'll forget what your problem was in the first place!
These remedies are practically once in a lifetime opportunities, depending on the statute of limitation for quackery in this region!
Mr cainad- youre all trippy colored. That might be the gin talking i dunno. My heads full of coffee flavored cotton balls and friday time is two hours away and times all wonky and slow due to relevatistic effects. Thanks a lot einstein. Anyway. Cotton balls.
Dr. Cainad! I have the most awful case of wolf bites and Wobuffet poomp! What can you do for me?
Doctor Cainad!
I have a whoopie cushion stuck in my ass, what do?
Quote from: Aloha Ackbar on August 23, 2013, 10:18:55 PM
Mr cainad- youre all trippy colored. That might be the gin talking i dunno. My heads full of coffee flavored cotton balls and friday time is two hours away and times all wonky and slow due to relevatistic effects. Thanks a lot einstein. Anyway. Cotton balls.
Time distortions? Caffeinated cotton conundrum?
Have I got the cure for you!
For a nominal fee, ride this diesel-powered merry-go-round with your feet tied to the center. The caffeinated blood will rush to your head and, combined with the relativistic differences between your feet and your brain, will get you
wicked high.
Quote from: Waffleman on August 23, 2013, 10:44:01 AM
Poxtwattle, I thank you for curing me .
However, since then I have rather unexpectedly become a twatwaffle. How do I mend this?
Dr. Cainad, plx halp
Quote from: Freeky Queen of DERP on August 23, 2013, 10:25:30 PM
Dr. Cainad! I have the most awful case of wolf bites and Wobuffet poomp! What can you do for me?
Moar vindaloo to ward off the wolf bites. It's a scientific fact that wolves are big sissy wimps who can't handle spice. To be extra sure, buy my proprietary vindaloo sauce spice blend; now with 25% more tungsten!
As far as Wobuffet poomp goes, use Ultra Balls or some shit. I'll even sell you a 13 year old nerd who's got this Pokemans stuff memorized. Actually, take him for free. Please. He never shuts up.
Quote from: Suu on August 23, 2013, 10:32:20 PM
Doctor Cainad!
I have a whoopie cushion stuck in my ass, what do?
A common problem! Luckily, my patented methods are at the very forefront of modern medical pseudoscience, and at such reasonable prices!
For a mere $39.99 a month, you can lease this one of a kind specialized Whoopiectomy tool, which will gently extract the problem with minimal damage to your expensive Whoopie cushion.
Quote from: Waffleman on August 23, 2013, 11:03:58 PM
Quote from: Waffleman on August 23, 2013, 10:44:01 AM
Poxtwattle, I thank you for curing me .
However, since then I have rather unexpectedly become a twatwaffle. How do I mend this?
Dr. Cainad, plx halp
Why, that looks likes a serious case indeed, my good man! You mustn't hesitate, take this cure immediately:
Whipped cream, lingonberries, and this here 55-gallon drum of my special Medicated Syrup.
Accept no substitutes! Dr Cainad has traversed the Himalayas to extract this incredible syrup from genuine Dolly Llamas. No other syrup can give you that unique tingly sensation!
Quote from: Cainad on August 23, 2013, 10:46:33 PM
Quote from: Aloha Ackbar on August 23, 2013, 10:18:55 PM
Mr cainad- youre all trippy colored. That might be the gin talking i dunno. My heads full of coffee flavored cotton balls and friday time is two hours away and times all wonky and slow due to relevatistic effects. Thanks a lot einstein. Anyway. Cotton balls.
Time distortions? Caffeinated cotton conundrum?
Have I got the cure for you!
For a nominal fee, ride this diesel-powered merry-go-round with your feet tied to the center. The caffeinated blood will rush to your head and, combined with the relativistic differences between your feet and your brain, will get you wicked high.
WHOAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA......
:lulz:
Dr Cainaid, I have a case of horribly fractured debt. It varies from a nagging pain to an acute burning. What should I do?
Quote from: Cainad on August 23, 2013, 11:05:45 PM
Quote from: Freeky Queen of DERP on August 23, 2013, 10:25:30 PM
Dr. Cainad! I have the most awful case of wolf bites and Wobuffet poomp! What can you do for me?
Moar vindaloo to ward off the wolf bites. It's a scientific fact that wolves are big sissy wimps who can't handle spice. To be extra sure, buy my proprietary vindaloo sauce spice blend; now with 25% more tungsten!
As far as Wobuffet poomp goes, use Ultra Balls or some shit. I'll even sell you a 13 year old nerd who's got this Pokemans stuff memorized. Actually, take him for free. Please. He never shuts up.
Hmm. What condition is the kid in?
Quote from: Telarus on August 24, 2013, 04:35:52 AM
:lulz:
Dr Cainaid, I have a case of horribly fractured debt. It varies from a nagging pain to an acute burning. What should I do?
Well let's just have a look here...
Hmm... ah-hah, yes! That's it!
It looks like your problems arise from an imbalance of the monetary humours. The only known effective treatment is to pay the fee to put all of your money into the collection jar. This will homeopathically cure your woes by diluting the amount of money you have, making it more effective.
Don't risk your health on lesser miracle cures! Others will try to swindle you with their colored waters and hobo extracts.
Quote from: Freeky Queen of DERP on August 24, 2013, 04:39:21 AM
Quote from: Cainad on August 23, 2013, 11:05:45 PM
Quote from: Freeky Queen of DERP on August 23, 2013, 10:25:30 PM
Dr. Cainad! I have the most awful case of wolf bites and Wobuffet poomp! What can you do for me?
Moar vindaloo to ward off the wolf bites. It's a scientific fact that wolves are big sissy wimps who can't handle spice. To be extra sure, buy my proprietary vindaloo sauce spice blend; now with 25% more tungsten!
As far as Wobuffet poomp goes, use Ultra Balls or some shit. I'll even sell you a 13 year old nerd who's got this Pokemans stuff memorized. Actually, take him for free. Please. He never shuts up.
Hmm. What condition is the kid in?
Reasonably clean, all original parts, slightly poor posture. Only available in English language version.
I'll pass on the teen, but here's what I owe you for the vindaloo spices and Ultra Ball tip.
Hobo extracts. :lulz:
Off to use that one.
Quote from: The Good Reverend Roger on August 24, 2013, 05:31:32 AM
Hobo extracts. :lulz:
Off to use that one.
Highly volatile once purified, store large batches only in raw form. Side effects on exposed personnel remain unknown.