*long sigh*
I don't share every single detail about my shit, anymore.
But I don't have anywhere else to vent about this that matters. I have started this thread many times, but stop short every time because I know what it is I should do. I know what you will say, PD.
I should absolutely divorce my wife. Some of you may have seen my FB post.
My wife is emotionally and verbally abusive toward me. Any time she feels overwhelmingly insecure or is very drunk. She hurts me intentionally. She eventually apologizes, promises to never do it again.
You know me a lot better than most people in my life. It must seem strange that I would put up with this. I have begged her to go find a therapist. She just gives me excuses.
When she's not like that toward me she is the best, I love this woman real hard. But that's not good enough. I posted these facts on FB and tagged her.
I figure public shaming would do what my pleading could not. I don't have much hope.
There was something else....I can't remember.
How did this happen?
This is hands down the worst birthday of my.life. Not only does she have nothing for me, no plans, no gifts (which I could give a fuck about), but she did it last night. I went to bed at 5am and have been wandering around town all day.
Yeah.
Shit, man, that's every kind of bad.
seriously, separate until she gets therapy. set boundaries.
Well, fuck. I'll leave this to those more familiar with the situation, but if you need an ear, give me a shout man.
You know, I feel better for having finally said something. I've been holding it in for so long.
I don't have anything to say that you don't already know so *hugs* and <3. You deserve better.
Best of luck one way or the other man. You dont need that sort of shit in your life. I hope she pulls it together.
Do that THING she hates you for. When she finally snaps; yell out "THIS IS HOW I FEEL EVERYTIME YOU BELITTLE ME CUNT". My wife did this to me recently when I was being a giant asshole. I have a similar problem as your wife.
Did that too.
Quote from: Pixie on September 27, 2013, 11:30:24 PM
seriously, separate until she gets therapy. set boundaries.
This. Actually going to therapy or couples therapy means she is committed to stop the abusive behaviour, otherwise shes just like "LOL, its ok to continue doing this because i apologized".
Alty do the separation thing if you're convinced she doesn't care about you.
Aw, this is awful. :sad:
Quote from: The Johnny on September 27, 2013, 11:47:04 PM
Quote from: Pixie on September 27, 2013, 11:30:24 PM
seriously, separate until she gets therapy. set boundaries.
This. Actually going to therapy or couples therapy means she is committed to stop the abusive behaviour, otherwise shes just like "LOL, its ok to continue doing this because i apologized".
Yea, it's recommended that folks in abusive relationships do not enter therapy as a couple unless the abuser is getting treatment.
She has an appointment with somebody. A friend of.mine who just got her M.S. in Psychology.
I hope it helps, but this is going to run deep. I don't want anything to do with her.
I don't know why I'm still trying.
Fuck man, sorry to hear that.
Others have better advice than I, and it seems like you're getting on top of what's healthiest for you.
PD spags are here if you need to just blast hysterical capital letters into the interwebs.
Alty, you are a rock-solid good person and you do not deserve this or anything like this at all. I absolutely second Pixie, and more than that, I recommend telling her your decision after she apologizes, and then, most importantly, following through on it no matter what she says.
Do not use it as a threat, because that just gives her a chance to say that she will go to therapy and then never follow through on it, or to go a few times and then stop. Instead, take the tack that you are moving out, period, and that if she attends therapy for three months AND it makes a difference in how she treats you, you can talk about moving back in together, AND seeing a marriage counselor. None of this once-a-month crap, either; I'm talking every other week at a bare minimum.
And you have to be prepared for the possibility that she won't follow through. It sucks, but sometimes abusive people are more afraid to take responsibility for their abusive behavior than they are to lose someone they love.
Thank you guys for the help. It means a lot.
For the time being, I am going to move into my kids room, he's only there half the time and I've got a hammock set up. I depend on her to keep an eye on the kid while.I work, and just shifted my whole schedule based on that.
I have told her I do not want her to help me with the kid, or my work, and to get a job. Three months sounds like a good time frame for me.
The really, really stupid thing about all of this is how good I am to her. We have an open marriage, and I have no jealousy issues, she is free in every conceivable way. She does nothing but what she wants. She wakes my ass up at 5am (once) after playing bike polo and partying, and gets upset when I am a mental ruin because of it.
I constantly try to motivate and encourage her. I make an effort to.make her feel good about her self and her body. Clearly this has all been a mistake. Its just how I am in a relationship. I am constantly available to her.
Quote from: Alty on September 28, 2013, 12:40:02 AM
The really, really stupid thing about all of this is how good I am to her. We have an open marriage, and I have no jealousy issues, she is free in every conceivable way. She does nothing but what she wants. She wakes my ass up at 5am (once) after playing bike polo and partying, and gets upset when I am a mental ruin because of it.
I constantly try to motivate and encourage her. I make an effort to.make her feel good about her self and her body. Clearly this has all been a mistake. Its just how I am in a relationship. I am constantly available to her.
OPEN MARRIAGE?!?!?!! Fuck her dude! You deserve better!
Quote from: Reverend What's His Bear on September 28, 2013, 12:45:25 AM
Quote from: Alty on September 28, 2013, 12:40:02 AM
The really, really stupid thing about all of this is how good I am to her. We have an open marriage, and I have no jealousy issues, she is free in every conceivable way. She does nothing but what she wants. She wakes my ass up at 5am (once) after playing bike polo and partying, and gets upset when I am a mental ruin because of it.
I constantly try to motivate and encourage her. I make an effort to.make her feel good about her self and her body. Clearly this has all been a mistake. Its just how I am in a relationship. I am constantly available to her.
OPEN MARRIAGE?!?!?!! Fuck her dude! You deserve better!
That all depends on if Alty would be happy with an open arrangement if she wasn't being abusive. Your values aren't his, dude.
And to be honest, I'd not really take your advice in a situation like this, seeing as your advice was to turn abusive behaviour back on someone. I do however, hope that seeing this thread motivates you to get therapy for your own behaviour. I'm not trying to shame you, Bear, and admitting you have a problem is the first step to sorting shit out, but it's just the first step.
Quote from: Alty on September 28, 2013, 12:40:02 AM
The really, really stupid thing about all of this is how good I am to her. We have an open marriage, and I have no jealousy issues, she is free in every conceivable way. She does nothing but what she wants. She wakes my ass up at 5am (once) after playing bike polo and partying, and gets upset when I am a mental ruin because of it.
I constantly try to motivate and encourage her. I make an effort to.make her feel good about her self and her body. Clearly this has all been a mistake. Its just how I am in a relationship. I am constantly available to her.
Good luck! I hope she pulls it together. And I hope you redirect your energy into taking care of you. A relationship should be mutual giving, and it sounds really unbalanced right now.
Quote from: Reverend What's His Bear on September 28, 2013, 12:45:25 AM
Quote from: Alty on September 28, 2013, 12:40:02 AM
The really, really stupid thing about all of this is how good I am to her. We have an open marriage, and I have no jealousy issues, she is free in every conceivable way. She does nothing but what she wants. She wakes my ass up at 5am (once) after playing bike polo and partying, and gets upset when I am a mental ruin because of it.
I constantly try to motivate and encourage her. I make an effort to.make her feel good about her self and her body. Clearly this has all been a mistake. Its just how I am in a relationship. I am constantly available to her.
OPEN MARRIAGE?!?!?!! Fuck her dude! You deserve better!
This could well be a situation preferable to Alty too, and not necessarily a one sided situation.
That said, during this time period, the marriage should remain closed. She needs to focus on what she has with you.
That second line is addressed to Alty, obviously.
Also, let me know if you need some more nut-free bastards.
Also, Alty, I don't know what I can offer other than moral support, but whatever you need and whatever I can offer, it's yours man.
Quote from: Pixie on September 28, 2013, 01:10:33 AM
Quote from: Reverend What's His Bear on September 28, 2013, 12:45:25 AM
Quote from: Alty on September 28, 2013, 12:40:02 AM
The really, really stupid thing about all of this is how good I am to her. We have an open marriage, and I have no jealousy issues, she is free in every conceivable way. She does nothing but what she wants. She wakes my ass up at 5am (once) after playing bike polo and partying, and gets upset when I am a mental ruin because of it.
I constantly try to motivate and encourage her. I make an effort to.make her feel good about her self and her body. Clearly this has all been a mistake. Its just how I am in a relationship. I am constantly available to her.
OPEN MARRIAGE?!?!?!! Fuck her dude! You deserve better!
That all depends on if Alty would be happy with an open arrangement if she wasn't being abusive. Your values aren't his, dude.
And to be honest, I'd not really take your advice in a situation like this, seeing as your advice was to turn abusive behaviour back on someone. I do however, hope that seeing this thread motivates you to get therapy for your own behaviour. I'm not trying to shame you, Bear, and admitting you have a problem is the first step to sorting shit out, but it's just the first step.
I'm in a open marriage as well, but the wife is not interested in other women and men. Both our wives have total freedom. Even after that Alty's wife is still crapping on him. Hence my outrage about his wife. Alty is god damn angel for putting up with this.
Quote from: Pixie on September 28, 2013, 01:10:33 AM
Quote from: Reverend What's His Bear on September 28, 2013, 12:45:25 AM
Quote from: Alty on September 28, 2013, 12:40:02 AM
The really, really stupid thing about all of this is how good I am to her. We have an open marriage, and I have no jealousy issues, she is free in every conceivable way. She does nothing but what she wants. She wakes my ass up at 5am (once) after playing bike polo and partying, and gets upset when I am a mental ruin because of it.
I constantly try to motivate and encourage her. I make an effort to.make her feel good about her self and her body. Clearly this has all been a mistake. Its just how I am in a relationship. I am constantly available to her.
OPEN MARRIAGE?!?!?!! Fuck her dude! You deserve better!
That all depends on if Alty would be happy with an open arrangement if she wasn't being abusive. Your values aren't his, dude.
And to be honest, I'd not really take your advice in a situation like this, seeing as your advice was to turn abusive behaviour back on someone. I do however, hope that seeing this thread motivates you to get therapy for your own behaviour. I'm not trying to shame you, Bear, and admitting you have a problem is the first step to sorting shit out, but it's just the first step.
When the wife feels trapped like a caged animal, and she tells me this I'll go get help. She told me you've almost done with these random fits of rage. She's not scared, or threatened so just reminds me you're acting like a jackass again to stop me from being that asshole again.
Quote from: Reverend What's His Bear on September 28, 2013, 01:50:36 AM
Quote from: Pixie on September 28, 2013, 01:10:33 AM
Quote from: Reverend What's His Bear on September 28, 2013, 12:45:25 AM
Quote from: Alty on September 28, 2013, 12:40:02 AM
The really, really stupid thing about all of this is how good I am to her. We have an open marriage, and I have no jealousy issues, she is free in every conceivable way. She does nothing but what she wants. She wakes my ass up at 5am (once) after playing bike polo and partying, and gets upset when I am a mental ruin because of it.
I constantly try to motivate and encourage her. I make an effort to.make her feel good about her self and her body. Clearly this has all been a mistake. Its just how I am in a relationship. I am constantly available to her.
OPEN MARRIAGE?!?!?!! Fuck her dude! You deserve better!
That all depends on if Alty would be happy with an open arrangement if she wasn't being abusive. Your values aren't his, dude.
And to be honest, I'd not really take your advice in a situation like this, seeing as your advice was to turn abusive behaviour back on someone. I do however, hope that seeing this thread motivates you to get therapy for your own behaviour. I'm not trying to shame you, Bear, and admitting you have a problem is the first step to sorting shit out, but it's just the first step.
When the wife feels trapped like a caged animal, and she tells me this she'll force more to go. She told me you've almost done with these random fits of rage. She's not scared, or threatened so just reminds me you're acting like a jackass again to step me from being that asshole again.
You still need to take ownership and fix your shit though. I would've booted someone who has random fits of rage out but that's because my dad was abusive and ragey dudes are bad for my mental health.
basically, if it keeps happening, fix your shit.
I've been talking to Alty privately. Since I had similar behavior to his wife minus the violent fits of rage I felt I could discuss what my wife did, and things he can try as well as the separation thing.
Quote from: Reverend What's His Bear on September 28, 2013, 01:42:50 AM
Quote from: Pixie on September 28, 2013, 01:10:33 AM
Quote from: Reverend What's His Bear on September 28, 2013, 12:45:25 AM
Quote from: Alty on September 28, 2013, 12:40:02 AM
The really, really stupid thing about all of this is how good I am to her. We have an open marriage, and I have no jealousy issues, she is free in every conceivable way. She does nothing but what she wants. She wakes my ass up at 5am (once) after playing bike polo and partying, and gets upset when I am a mental ruin because of it.
I constantly try to motivate and encourage her. I make an effort to.make her feel good about her self and her body. Clearly this has all been a mistake. Its just how I am in a relationship. I am constantly available to her.
OPEN MARRIAGE?!?!?!! Fuck her dude! You deserve better!
That all depends on if Alty would be happy with an open arrangement if she wasn't being abusive. Your values aren't his, dude.
And to be honest, I'd not really take your advice in a situation like this, seeing as your advice was to turn abusive behaviour back on someone. I do however, hope that seeing this thread motivates you to get therapy for your own behaviour. I'm not trying to shame you, Bear, and admitting you have a problem is the first step to sorting shit out, but it's just the first step.
I'm in a open marriage as well, but the wife is not interested in other women and men. Both our wives have total freedom. Even after that Alty's wife is still crapping on him. Hence my outrage about his wife. Alty is god damn angel for putting up with this.
Wait, so do you have a wife and a girlfriend who don't touch each other, or do you have an FFM triad? Sentence 1 and 2 contradict somewhat.
Either way, I kinda see where you are coming from, but from what I know of poly relationships, when one bond is failing, that bond demands immediate attention.
(under United States law you can't have two wives, however, it is possible for your wife to have a wife and a husband, due to Texas not respecting homosexual marriage from other states, as of, at least, a couple of years ago. I actually used that as a non-biased argument in favor of recognizing same sex marriage across the board in a politics class and got an A. People forget that bisexuals exist.)
Quote from: Reverend What's His Bear on September 28, 2013, 01:50:36 AM
Quote from: Pixie on September 28, 2013, 01:10:33 AM
Quote from: Reverend What's His Bear on September 28, 2013, 12:45:25 AM
Quote from: Alty on September 28, 2013, 12:40:02 AM
The really, really stupid thing about all of this is how good I am to her. We have an open marriage, and I have no jealousy issues, she is free in every conceivable way. She does nothing but what she wants. She wakes my ass up at 5am (once) after playing bike polo and partying, and gets upset when I am a mental ruin because of it.
I constantly try to motivate and encourage her. I make an effort to.make her feel good about her self and her body. Clearly this has all been a mistake. Its just how I am in a relationship. I am constantly available to her.
OPEN MARRIAGE?!?!?!! Fuck her dude! You deserve better!
That all depends on if Alty would be happy with an open arrangement if she wasn't being abusive. Your values aren't his, dude.
And to be honest, I'd not really take your advice in a situation like this, seeing as your advice was to turn abusive behaviour back on someone. I do however, hope that seeing this thread motivates you to get therapy for your own behaviour. I'm not trying to shame you, Bear, and admitting you have a problem is the first step to sorting shit out, but it's just the first step.
When the wife feels trapped like a caged animal, and she tells me this I'll go get help. She told me you've almost done with these random fits of rage. She's not scared, or threatened so just reminds me you're acting like a jackass again to stop me from being that asshole again.
Well, here's my thought on that (and Alty, if you feel necessary, I'm cool with thread split), you shouldn't do it because your wife(wives?) feel caged, but rather because you recognize a flaw in yourself. You should work on your flaws for your own sake, with the sake of your partners as further incentive. She(they) may also not be yet at the point to say something, as also evidenced by Alty waiting this long.
You should do it out of consideration for Jewcat too, but if you know that it's a problem, you should take the initiative even if Jewcat hasn't said anything.
Quote from: Twigel on September 28, 2013, 02:07:54 AM
Quote from: Reverend What's His Bear on September 28, 2013, 01:42:50 AM
Quote from: Pixie on September 28, 2013, 01:10:33 AM
Quote from: Reverend What's His Bear on September 28, 2013, 12:45:25 AM
Quote from: Alty on September 28, 2013, 12:40:02 AM
The really, really stupid thing about all of this is how good I am to her. We have an open marriage, and I have no jealousy issues, she is free in every conceivable way. She does nothing but what she wants. She wakes my ass up at 5am (once) after playing bike polo and partying, and gets upset when I am a mental ruin because of it.
I constantly try to motivate and encourage her. I make an effort to.make her feel good about her self and her body. Clearly this has all been a mistake. Its just how I am in a relationship. I am constantly available to her.
OPEN MARRIAGE?!?!?!! Fuck her dude! You deserve better!
That all depends on if Alty would be happy with an open arrangement if she wasn't being abusive. Your values aren't his, dude.
And to be honest, I'd not really take your advice in a situation like this, seeing as your advice was to turn abusive behaviour back on someone. I do however, hope that seeing this thread motivates you to get therapy for your own behaviour. I'm not trying to shame you, Bear, and admitting you have a problem is the first step to sorting shit out, but it's just the first step.
I'm in a open marriage as well, but the wife is not interested in other women and men. Both our wives have total freedom. Even after that Alty's wife is still crapping on him. Hence my outrage about his wife. Alty is god damn angel for putting up with this.
Wait, so do you have a wife and a girlfriend who don't touch each other, or do you have an FFM triad? Sentence 1 and 2 contradict somewhat.
Either way, I kinda see where you are coming from, but from what I know of poly relationships, when one bond is failing, that bond demands immediate attention.
(under United States law you can't have two wives, however, it is possible for your wife to have a wife and a husband, due to Texas not respecting homosexual marriage from other states, as of, at least, a couple of years ago. I actually used that as a non-biased argument in favor of recognizing same sex marriage across the board in a politics class and got an A. People forget that bisexuals exist.)
Both in open marriage. I'm not interested in other women period. My wives not interested in other men, but sometimes I feel she may want a girlfriend whenever I'm not in the mood. So far shes only interested in me. But if she ever went out with a girlfriend I wouldn't be insecure, or jealous of her having smexy times.
To clear up any confusion.
Bear was once going through what Alty's wife is going through now. Except I wasn't violent, and we solved our issues without counseling, or doing a separation thing. I'm just trying to share Jewcat techniques that worked on Bear. But Alty's wife needs something more serious based on what he's shared on here and what he's shared to me.
Quote from: Reverend What's His Bear on September 28, 2013, 02:18:33 AM
Quote from: Twigel on September 28, 2013, 02:07:54 AM
Quote from: Reverend What's His Bear on September 28, 2013, 01:42:50 AM
Quote from: Pixie on September 28, 2013, 01:10:33 AM
Quote from: Reverend What's His Bear on September 28, 2013, 12:45:25 AM
Quote from: Alty on September 28, 2013, 12:40:02 AM
The really, really stupid thing about all of this is how good I am to her. We have an open marriage, and I have no jealousy issues, she is free in every conceivable way. She does nothing but what she wants. She wakes my ass up at 5am (once) after playing bike polo and partying, and gets upset when I am a mental ruin because of it.
I constantly try to motivate and encourage her. I make an effort to.make her feel good about her self and her body. Clearly this has all been a mistake. Its just how I am in a relationship. I am constantly available to her.
OPEN MARRIAGE?!?!?!! Fuck her dude! You deserve better!
That all depends on if Alty would be happy with an open arrangement if she wasn't being abusive. Your values aren't his, dude.
And to be honest, I'd not really take your advice in a situation like this, seeing as your advice was to turn abusive behaviour back on someone. I do however, hope that seeing this thread motivates you to get therapy for your own behaviour. I'm not trying to shame you, Bear, and admitting you have a problem is the first step to sorting shit out, but it's just the first step.
I'm in a open marriage as well, but the wife is not interested in other women and men. Both our wives have total freedom. Even after that Alty's wife is still crapping on him. Hence my outrage about his wife. Alty is god damn angel for putting up with this.
Wait, so do you have a wife and a girlfriend who don't touch each other, or do you have an FFM triad? Sentence 1 and 2 contradict somewhat.
Either way, I kinda see where you are coming from, but from what I know of poly relationships, when one bond is failing, that bond demands immediate attention.
(under United States law you can't have two wives, however, it is possible for your wife to have a wife and a husband, due to Texas not respecting homosexual marriage from other states, as of, at least, a couple of years ago. I actually used that as a non-biased argument in favor of recognizing same sex marriage across the board in a politics class and got an A. People forget that bisexuals exist.)
Both in open marriage. I'm not interested in other women period. My wives not interested in other men, but sometimes I feel she may want a girlfriend whenever I'm not in the mood. So far shes only interested in me. But if she ever went out with a girlfriend I wouldn't be insecure, or jealous of her having smexy times.
To clear up any confusion.
Bear was once going through what Alty's wife is going through now. Except I wasn't violent, and we solved our issues without counseling, or doing a separation thing. I'm just trying to share Jewcat techniques that worked on Bear. But Alty's wife needs something more serious based on what he's shared on here and what he's shared to me.
Ah, gotcha. Not to be a stickler for grammar, but you mean wife's and not wives.
Hence my confusion.
ETA: OHHHHH... and the other part of that is "Both our (mine and Alty's) wives." That one should have been a little more obvious to me.
Quote from: Twigel on September 28, 2013, 02:21:17 AM
Quote from: Reverend What's His Bear on September 28, 2013, 02:18:33 AM
Quote from: Twigel on September 28, 2013, 02:07:54 AM
Quote from: Reverend What's His Bear on September 28, 2013, 01:42:50 AM
Quote from: Pixie on September 28, 2013, 01:10:33 AM
Quote from: Reverend What's His Bear on September 28, 2013, 12:45:25 AM
Quote from: Alty on September 28, 2013, 12:40:02 AM
The really, really stupid thing about all of this is how good I am to her. We have an open marriage, and I have no jealousy issues, she is free in every conceivable way. She does nothing but what she wants. She wakes my ass up at 5am (once) after playing bike polo and partying, and gets upset when I am a mental ruin because of it.
I constantly try to motivate and encourage her. I make an effort to.make her feel good about her self and her body. Clearly this has all been a mistake. Its just how I am in a relationship. I am constantly available to her.
OPEN MARRIAGE?!?!?!! Fuck her dude! You deserve better!
That all depends on if Alty would be happy with an open arrangement if she wasn't being abusive. Your values aren't his, dude.
And to be honest, I'd not really take your advice in a situation like this, seeing as your advice was to turn abusive behaviour back on someone. I do however, hope that seeing this thread motivates you to get therapy for your own behaviour. I'm not trying to shame you, Bear, and admitting you have a problem is the first step to sorting shit out, but it's just the first step.
I'm in a open marriage as well, but the wife is not interested in other women and men. Both our wives have total freedom. Even after that Alty's wife is still crapping on him. Hence my outrage about his wife. Alty is god damn angel for putting up with this.
Wait, so do you have a wife and a girlfriend who don't touch each other, or do you have an FFM triad? Sentence 1 and 2 contradict somewhat.
Either way, I kinda see where you are coming from, but from what I know of poly relationships, when one bond is failing, that bond demands immediate attention.
(under United States law you can't have two wives, however, it is possible for your wife to have a wife and a husband, due to Texas not respecting homosexual marriage from other states, as of, at least, a couple of years ago. I actually used that as a non-biased argument in favor of recognizing same sex marriage across the board in a politics class and got an A. People forget that bisexuals exist.)
Both in open marriage. I'm not interested in other women period. My wives not interested in other men, but sometimes I feel she may want a girlfriend whenever I'm not in the mood. So far shes only interested in me. But if she ever went out with a girlfriend I wouldn't be insecure, or jealous of her having smexy times.
To clear up any confusion.
Bear was once going through what Alty's wife is going through now. Except I wasn't violent, and we solved our issues without counseling, or doing a separation thing. I'm just trying to share Jewcat techniques that worked on Bear. But Alty's wife needs something more serious based on what he's shared on here and what he's shared to me.
Ah, gotcha. Not to be a stickler for grammar, but you mean wife's and not wives.
For future reference to anyone else. English is my second language.
Quote from: Reverend What's His Bear on September 28, 2013, 02:23:57 AM
Quote from: Twigel on September 28, 2013, 02:21:17 AM
Quote from: Reverend What's His Bear on September 28, 2013, 02:18:33 AM
Quote from: Twigel on September 28, 2013, 02:07:54 AM
Quote from: Reverend What's His Bear on September 28, 2013, 01:42:50 AM
Quote from: Pixie on September 28, 2013, 01:10:33 AM
Quote from: Reverend What's His Bear on September 28, 2013, 12:45:25 AM
Quote from: Alty on September 28, 2013, 12:40:02 AM
The really, really stupid thing about all of this is how good I am to her. We have an open marriage, and I have no jealousy issues, she is free in every conceivable way. She does nothing but what she wants. She wakes my ass up at 5am (once) after playing bike polo and partying, and gets upset when I am a mental ruin because of it.
I constantly try to motivate and encourage her. I make an effort to.make her feel good about her self and her body. Clearly this has all been a mistake. Its just how I am in a relationship. I am constantly available to her.
OPEN MARRIAGE?!?!?!! Fuck her dude! You deserve better!
That all depends on if Alty would be happy with an open arrangement if she wasn't being abusive. Your values aren't his, dude.
And to be honest, I'd not really take your advice in a situation like this, seeing as your advice was to turn abusive behaviour back on someone. I do however, hope that seeing this thread motivates you to get therapy for your own behaviour. I'm not trying to shame you, Bear, and admitting you have a problem is the first step to sorting shit out, but it's just the first step.
I'm in a open marriage as well, but the wife is not interested in other women and men. Both our wives have total freedom. Even after that Alty's wife is still crapping on him. Hence my outrage about his wife. Alty is god damn angel for putting up with this.
Wait, so do you have a wife and a girlfriend who don't touch each other, or do you have an FFM triad? Sentence 1 and 2 contradict somewhat.
Either way, I kinda see where you are coming from, but from what I know of poly relationships, when one bond is failing, that bond demands immediate attention.
(under United States law you can't have two wives, however, it is possible for your wife to have a wife and a husband, due to Texas not respecting homosexual marriage from other states, as of, at least, a couple of years ago. I actually used that as a non-biased argument in favor of recognizing same sex marriage across the board in a politics class and got an A. People forget that bisexuals exist.)
Both in open marriage. I'm not interested in other women period. My wives not interested in other men, but sometimes I feel she may want a girlfriend whenever I'm not in the mood. So far shes only interested in me. But if she ever went out with a girlfriend I wouldn't be insecure, or jealous of her having smexy times.
To clear up any confusion.
Bear was once going through what Alty's wife is going through now. Except I wasn't violent, and we solved our issues without counseling, or doing a separation thing. I'm just trying to share Jewcat techniques that worked on Bear. But Alty's wife needs something more serious based on what he's shared on here and what he's shared to me.
Ah, gotcha. Not to be a stickler for grammar, but you mean wife's and not wives.
For future reference to anyone else. English is my second language.
Thought did not occur to me until just now reading this. I know you're of Mexican extraction, but I consider you Texan. Which still doesn't mean that English is your first language.
English is my first language, and the original mistake was mine.
Twid,
Even native English speakers fuck it up
Sharing this has helped, but damn if I don't feel lonely. More so, probably, because it's my birthday.
Definitely the worst. Worse than the time my mom promised me a trip to Hawaii and with no explanation just gave me a lava lamp.
With all due respect, this is not the "jump on Bear about getting counseling just because he is willing to admit that he is working on behavioral issues that affected his marriage similarly and has tips that might help Alty" thread.
Seriously, there, particularly Pixie, you need to dial that shit back a notch or two.
Quote from: Alty on September 28, 2013, 02:29:31 AM
Sharing this has helped, but damn if I don't feel lonely. More so, probably, because it's my birthday.
Definitely the worst. Worse than the time my mom promised me a trip to Hawaii and with no explanation just gave me a lava lamp.
Want to talk on skype?
Quote from: Alty on September 28, 2013, 02:29:31 AM
Sharing this has helped, but damn if I don't feel lonely. More so, probably, because it's my birthday.
Definitely the worst. Worse than the time my mom promised me a trip to Hawaii and with no explanation just gave me a lava lamp.
I wish I could come take you out on the town and make it better for an evening. :(
My sister is coming to get me for dinner. All I wanted to do today was dance, that's it. Maybe I should just go do that still.
Quote from: Alty on September 28, 2013, 02:29:31 AM
Sharing this has helped, but damn if I don't feel lonely. More so, probably, because it's my birthday.
Definitely the worst. Worse than the time my mom promised me a trip to Hawaii and with no explanation just gave me a lava lamp.
I literally just closed my eyes for a full second after reading that.
If Anchorage and Boston were bordering each other, I'd have left work early and spirited you off somewhere fun by now. I'm sorry that we can't physically be there. I would be if I could.
I laid it all out to my wife.
I was planning on using those tickets from July to go to Yakima and then Hawaii, beginning of November. After careful consideration, I alone will go to PDX and Hawaii.
Quote from: Mean Mister Nigel on September 28, 2013, 02:30:47 AM
With all due respect, this is not the "jump on Bear about getting counseling just because he is willing to admit that he is working on behavioral issues that affected his marriage similarly and has tips that might help Alty" thread.
Seriously, there, particularly Pixie, you need to dial that shit back a notch or two.
I was going to tear into her, but then I remembered what Jewcat said. I re-read her post and told myself it wasn't worth derailing Alty's thread.
I'm an asshole, but I'll be damned if I become THAT asshole.
I'm just trying to find a bridge to talk with Alty without turning it into a ME thread. I'm glad Alty confirmed this and is feeling less like shit.
Quote from: Mean Mister Nigel on September 28, 2013, 02:30:47 AM
With all due respect, this is not the "jump on Bear about getting counseling just because he is willing to admit that he is working on behavioral issues that affected his marriage similarly and has tips that might help Alty" thread.
Seriously, there, particularly Pixie, you need to dial that shit back a notch or two.
I applaud him, I was just confused and trying to get clarification.
Quote from: Alty on September 28, 2013, 02:33:25 AM
I laid it all out to my wife.
I was planning on using those tickets from July to go to Yakima and then Hawaii, beginning of November. After careful consideration, I alone will go to PDX and Hawaii.
You said you wanted to dance:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3GwjfUFyY6M
Quote from: Alty on September 28, 2013, 02:31:39 AM
My sister is coming to get me for dinner. All I wanted to do today was dance, that's it. Maybe I should just go do that still.
You should definitely do that! It's Friday night!
Quote from: Mean Mister Nigel on September 28, 2013, 02:30:47 AM
With all due respect, this is not the "jump on Bear about getting counseling just because he is willing to admit that he is working on behavioral issues that affected his marriage similarly and has tips that might help Alty" thread.
Seriously, there, particularly Pixie, you need to dial that shit back a notch or two.
Sorry. I have my own personal head gremlins around this kind of issue. Kind of raw for me after the abusive guy who lived in my house and had his head in his own colon in denial and my Dad being a violent asshole and being the same way. The guy swore blind he wasn't like that despite being currently wanted by the police and his ex being in a shelter.
Anyway, I need to bow out of this thread (for now, anyway, Alty, hit me up in PM if you need to talk to me.) as it's obvious I'm derailing and have too many strong feelings about problematic behaviours to not get stressed or be overly cynical.
Bear has recognised that there is an issue, which is great.
Quote from: Mean Mister Nigel on September 28, 2013, 02:40:51 AM
Quote from: Alty on September 28, 2013, 02:31:39 AM
My sister is coming to get me for dinner. All I wanted to do today was dance, that's it. Maybe I should just go do that still.
You should definitely do that! It's Friday night!
:D sounds like a plan.
Quote from: Alty on September 28, 2013, 02:33:25 AM
I laid it all out to my wife.
I was planning on using those tickets from July to go to Yakima and then Hawaii, beginning of November. After careful consideration, I alone will go to PDX and Hawaii.
I will be very glad to see you, and perhaps, hopefully, distract you from your woes.
Even more hopefully, perhaps things will be starting to improve by then!
Quote from: Alty on September 28, 2013, 02:31:39 AM
My sister is coming to get me for dinner. All I wanted to do today was dance, that's it. Maybe I should just go do that still.
Good on her. Get pumped up:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6pOq4hyoX9g
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pUj1kJRsMgg
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ugQ2dqHSxO0
Quote from: Mean Mister Nigel on September 28, 2013, 02:40:51 AM
Quote from: Alty on September 28, 2013, 02:31:39 AM
My sister is coming to get me for dinner. All I wanted to do today was dance, that's it. Maybe I should just go do that still.
You should definitely do that! It's Friday night!
It's Friday Time. Dancez!
How am I supposed to act around her? I don't want to touch her. I don't want to hear her voice right now. I don't do in between very well. A month from now, assuming her quiet, shocked nods of "yes" will lead to a month of work on her part, do I watch a movie with her? I don't want to hang out with her until I can be reasonably certain it won't happen again.
But it will. It always does. Do I give in little by little? Or just clamp down haed for three months?
I bought a new bong waterpipe.
:noodledaehhhh.
Quote from: Alty on September 28, 2013, 02:46:17 AM
How am I supposed to act around her? I don't want to touch her. I don't want to hear her voice right now. I don't do in between very well. A month from now, assuming her quiet, shocked nods of "yes" will lead to a month of work on her part, do I watch a movie with her? I don't want to hang out with her until I can be reasonably certain it won't happen again.
But it will. It always does. Do I give in little by little? Or just clamp down haed for three months?
3 months. No budging. Seriously, if she's doing this on the eve of your birthday, she seriously needs to reexamine how she treats you. She should anyway. I've also noted that she hasn't responded to your status at all. You're a goddamn human being, and you don't deserve feeling like shit.
My suggestion is, for the remainder of the night is forget about her and dance your ass off and have fun with AltySis. Don't let her fuck up your personal holiday. Make the best of it. You only turn 29 once.
He's a god damn angel!
I'd just suggest her not getting therapy with one of your friends, its technically not wrong, because your therapist friend is not treating you directly, but its really pushing the line.
Its kind of how doctors shouldnt treat their own family or friends, because its delicate problems where your personal relation shouldnt get in the way of the treatment.
Well, speaking for myself, I'd treat her like a semi-unwelcome roommate for three months at least, Alty. Draw a hard line and stick to it. Then reassess after that time. Any giving in, from my experience as a kid watching her parents do this tango and what results from giving in, will most likely be taken as signs of weakness and possibly tacit permission to resume unpleasantness if she's really 'round the bend.
Quote from: The Johnny on September 28, 2013, 03:00:35 AM
I'd just suggest her not getting therapy with one of your friends, its technically not wrong, because your therapist friend is not treating you directly, but its really pushing the line.
Its kind of how doctors shouldnt treat their own family or friends, because its delicate problems where your personal relation shouldnt get in the way of the treatment.
Yes, I am aware it's not the best. Then again, I don't care who she finds help from.
Quote from: Alty on September 28, 2013, 02:46:17 AM
How am I supposed to act around her? I don't want to touch her. I don't want to hear her voice right now. I don't do in between very well. A month from now, assuming her quiet, shocked nods of "yes" will lead to a month of work on her part, do I watch a movie with her? I don't want to hang out with her until I can be reasonably certain it won't happen again.
But it will. It always does. Do I give in little by little? Or just clamp down haed for three months?
You don't have to want to be with or near her RIGHT NOW. But if you want things to work out, you will probably also need to learn to do some in-between stuff. Since you can't move out entirely, not seeing her is not an option, and treating her coldly will not be useful for the relationship. When you have recovered a bit from being upset, see if you can spend friendly time together. Keep your distance, for the most part, but try to remind her why she loves you and why you love her, and that will help her stay motivated to work on her issues.
Sorry, Alty. You're a good cat. Since I think the advice in the thread has been solid, I'll just say I hope it works out for you, buddy.
There's a lot I want to say here,
but I'm just gonna zip it.
I do not wish to give the impression that I cannot handle opinions that I don't agree with.
Squid, what you already said, I'm not mad. You're right. There's nothing I've got to solidly argue against it. And yet, I can't end it unless im sure I've done everything I can.
It is not reasonable.
Quote from: Alty on September 30, 2013, 07:32:07 AM
It is not reasonable.
Love will do that.
Good luck with all this, I hope things will have gotten better in 3 months.
Quote from: Alty on September 30, 2013, 07:32:07 AM
I do not wish to give the impression that I cannot handle opinions that I don't agree with.
Squid, what you already said, I'm not mad. You're right. There's nothing I've got to solidly argue against it. And yet, I can't end it unless im sure I've done everything I can.
It is not reasonable.
I understand what you're going through.
I also understand that you have to do whatever you can to salvage the relationship. That's admirable.
It just sucks to watch people hurt the same way I did.
I just hope you make it through and can be happy. I think you're pretty swell.
Alty, you rule and I'm really sorry to hear about trouble in your household.
I'm not sure that public shaming on facebook is a great way to handle these kinds of things, but you gotta do what you gotta do
A time-out / break seems like a good idea. That way you're able to get grounded outside of the emotional hurricane.
I am very sure publicly shaming my wife on FB is:
-Not the way I planned on spending my birthday.
-Not an attractive or desirable method for resolving family issues.
-Going to make for fun dinner conversation if I ever meet her family.
-Just not a great idea.
Preferable alternatives:
-Talking
-Yelling
-Breaking a bunch of shit in the house
-brining her to the front door of my abusive grandmother's house to demand my stolen childhood photos so my wife could see how much I hate that old fucker, so.my wife could see her potential future.
-Bargaining
-Pleading
-Threatened with divorce
All of which I've done.
You know what would have been best? A meeting with our community of family and friends, people who know, love, and care about us. Maybe one friend I could confide in, not on the internet, that I could vent to, get a different perspective from, someone who could help ke get away from this house for an hour at a time and forget just how lonely ive become with my mother and best friend gone.
That sure would have been great. Too bad.
So, to anyone who thinks my course of action here was unwise, please, what are your alternatives? From where I was sitting it was A) public shaming via stupid social meadia or B)Divorce.
Quote from: Alty on September 30, 2013, 04:04:49 PM
So, to anyone who thinks my course of action here was unwise, please, what are your alternatives? From where I was sitting it was A) public shaming via stupid social meadia or B)Divorce.
I'm a cut to the chase kind of guy. Option B. You sound like you don't wanna get divorced for whatever reasons. My advice is generally considered to be shitty so I aint going to give any. Hope it works out for ya.
I have no useful advice.
Except that you are correct to be upset, and that nobody should stand for abusive behavior in a relationship. It's not you being unreasonable or unaccomodating.
Quote from: Alty on September 28, 2013, 02:33:25 AM
I laid it all out to my wife.
I was planning on using those tickets from July to go to Yakima and then Hawaii, beginning of November. After careful consideration, I alone will go to PDX and Hawaii.
Come to Tucson again, you horrid little man. We'll straighten you out pronto.
Besides, I want to shove your head in the 3d scanner, so I can have a resin bust of Altyrage.
that's the thing about abusive dynamics. they pretty much survive and thrive on silence. Alty wants to see if it can be fixt, and has set conditions and boundaries to see if it's worth a damn trying to sort it out.
27 years after my parents split, my dad still will not acknowledge his shitty violent behaviour towards my mum.
Neither action of divorce or shaming Mrs Alty into sorting their shit out was going to be fun or pretty. The core thing we need to do is support Alty.
Hope you are doing better btw, dude.
Quote from: Pixie on October 01, 2013, 03:18:18 AM
that's the thing about abusive dynamics. they pretty much survive and thrive on silence. Alty wants to see if it can be fixt, and has set conditions and boundaries to see if it's worth a damn trying to sort it out.
27 years after my parents split, my dad still will not acknowledge his shitty violent behaviour towards my mum.
Neither action of divorce or shaming Mrs Alty into sorting their shit out was going to be fun or pretty. The core thing we need to do is support Alty.
Hope you are doing better btw, dude.
:mittens:
For real, man. I don't know how much help I can be from across the net sea but your situation is shitty and we're here for you. Feel free to vent moar, whatever it takes, man.
I really appreciate it.
I'm better than I was. I've gotten real angry about all of this, and there's nothing to hide behins anymore. Every time in the past i just pushed it down in the hope that the good parts, the wonderful parts of this person would win out.
I feel embarrassed about most of this, TBH.
She is putting in effort to gain some control over herself, this new set of boundaries appears to be effective. Certainly, all of this has had some kind of impact. She's trying differenylt ways to keep her emotions from overwhelming her, which is what appears to lead her toward this behavior. Insecurity, fear, lack of self worth, this is what drives her to lash out.
I feel like anything I say in her favor is me rationalizing, like her being otherwise amazing is some kind of mitigating fact. But somewhere in there is my hope. There IS an amazing person there, it's just entwined with another sort of person, and that one is a lot more present than I wanted to admit.
At the very least, the cycle which has dominated the relationship and given me ulcers is gone, broken up. No more eggshells.
Quote from: Alty on October 01, 2013, 04:40:52 PM
I really appreciate it.
I'm better than I was. I've gotten real angry about all of this, and there's nothing to hide behins anymore. Every time in the past i just pushed it down in the hope that the good parts, the wonderful parts of this person would win out.
I feel embarrassed about most of this, TBH.
She is putting in effort to gain some control over herself, this new set of boundaries appears to be effective. Certainly, all of this has had some kind of impact. She's trying differenylt ways to keep her emotions from overwhelming her, which is what appears to lead her toward this behavior. Insecurity, fear, lack of self worth, this is what drives her to lash out.
I feel like anything I say in her favor is me rationalizing, like her being otherwise amazing is some kind of mitigating fact. But somewhere in there is my hope. There IS an amazing person there, it's just entwined with another sort of person, and that one is a lot more present than I wanted to admit.
At the very least, the cycle which has dominated the relationship and given me ulcers is gone, broken up. No more eggshells.
That's progress. Just be prepared to be vigilant, and if she fucks up even once, walk away. It's harsh but it's the only way to keep her from sliding back into "it's OK to treat him like this".
I'm partly just waiting for that, partly hoping it happens, just so I can be done and get on with my life. Sooner would be better than later.
I've already looked up the process.
Quote from: Alty on October 01, 2013, 04:53:38 PM
I'm partly just waiting for that, partly hoping it happens, just so I can be done and get on with my life. Sooner would be better than later.
I've already looked up the process.
Good, you're ready. I hope it goes the other way, but if it doesn't at least you're prepared.
Quite honestly it's possible that she needs a couple of years alone dealing with her shit and getting her head on right before she's ready for a marriage. I did. Of course, I then ended up in a crazy relationship with a crazy person once I did get my shit together, and then I lost it and had to start over again from a different angle. :lol:
Discordians make great divorcees.
(I'm allowed to say this, I'm part of the club)
:sad:
I was so careful for so long in an effort to never, ever be divorced. I should have stuck to my gut instinct and never married anyone ever.
Quote from: Alty on October 01, 2013, 05:49:05 PM
:sad:
I was so careful for so long in an effort to never, ever be divorced. I should have stuck to my gut instinct and never married anyone ever.
Whatever happens here, don't make decisions based on fear. Don't leave because you're afraid things could maybe turn worse, but don't stay because you're afraid of being divorced or alone.
And thank you for being loud about the problem. I think the culture of shame around abusive relationships where the woman is the aggressor contributes to a lot of shit, and just speaking up is huge for starting to change things for the better.
Glad to see there is an improvement and that you are feeling better, dude.
Thanks!
There was some trouble last night when craft night had not been cancelled. A bunch of people that didn't know what was going on, laughing and having a great time.
I did not lose my shit. I did make everyone VERY uncomfortable, but I do that all the time anyway. The trick is not feeling justified about being furious at every little thing. There's only one very specific behavior that is a problem, the rest is just life. It's hard to sort through sometimes.
As for this stigma of men admitting to this sort of thing, I can't say that's been a concern for me. I could give a damn, really. What bothers me is a bunch of people assuming I'm being a dick for no reason, that my shitty mood is because I'm a moody person. Which, I am. You know.
Quote from: Alty on October 01, 2013, 04:40:52 PM
I really appreciate it.
I'm better than I was. I've gotten real angry about all of this, and there's nothing to hide behins anymore. Every time in the past i just pushed it down in the hope that the good parts, the wonderful parts of this person would win out.
I feel embarrassed about most of this, TBH.
She is putting in effort to gain some control over herself, this new set of boundaries appears to be effective. Certainly, all of this has had some kind of impact. She's trying differenylt ways to keep her emotions from overwhelming her, which is what appears to lead her toward this behavior. Insecurity, fear, lack of self worth, this is what drives her to lash out.
I feel like anything I say in her favor is me rationalizing, like her being otherwise amazing is some kind of mitigating fact. But somewhere in there is my hope. There IS an amazing person there, it's just entwined with another sort of person, and that one is a lot more present than I wanted to admit.
At the very least, the cycle which has dominated the relationship and given me ulcers is gone, broken up. No more eggshells.
Dude, I can relate. She sounds very like me, in another timezone. I got over the shit and turned into this fucker I am just now. Took a while and fuck if I know how I decided to do it but, yeah, I was your missus :eek:
Well, what with QUANTUMZ, reincarnation, and the second law of thermodynamics, whose to say you aren't?
I'm glad to hear things are better than they were and that you've got a game plan in place, Alty. No more ulcers is good. No more eggshells is good.