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More Futuristic Fun Than You Really Wanted, part IV of V

Started by The Good Reverend Roger, April 05, 2011, 06:16:50 PM

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The Good Reverend Roger

We got your future, right here.  All the future you can choke on.  All the future YOU demanded, bigger and better, delivered before you even order it!  Who are we?

We're the retro-pulp people.  Some of you may have noticed that the future is beginning to look disturbingly like pulp novels and comics from the 1920s.  That's no accident!  Pain rays, killer robots, mind control, torture chambers, drug conspiracies, shadowy bad guys, everything just like you wanted it, faster and more efficient...and more REAL!  Sure, the bad guys aren't mustachioed Chinese freaks or Nazis, but our governments and corporations do a better job, on a lower bid!  Who are we?

We're the Animal Farm people, growing a bumper crop of George Orwell's nightmares, just for you!  Whether you're interested in giant, faceless collectives, or an all-controlling government, we have a program that suits you!  How, you may ask, can we bring you all this future at yesterday's prices? 

Simple.  We use the technology of tomorrow on the monkeys of 200,000 years ago, to make your grandest nightmares into tomorrow's reality!  This allows us to keep you AND our stockholders happy!  And isn't that we all want?  Happy stockholders?  Sure, it's what the American Dream™ is all about!  Who are we?

We're the "They" people.  You've heard of our brand name, everywhere you go!  "They'll get you.", "They'll hear you talking.", "They took Joey away, and his wife and kids, too!"  Sound familiar?  It will!  And you wouldn't have it any other way.

Our marketing experts have pored over the data, and we've adapted our business model to give you, the consumer, what it is you're looking for.  Nice Things™, White neighborhoods, paralyzing anxiety, and fear! Sound weird?  Naw!  Who doesn't like a scary movie?  We all do...And now you can LIVE in that scary movie, with our patented Reality Distortion™ technique, by which we make the normal, workaday world into the sort of horror show you've always wanted.  Who are we?

We're the window people.  We look through your windows, to make sure nothing dangerous is happening.  Oh, we know YOU aren't doing anything filthy dirty, but you know at least one of your neighbors is, and we have always believed in being fair!  Who can complain about that? 

We've even brought the window out of  your house!  You can have it anywhere, now!  In your airports, on your streets, at every traffic light...There's nowhere smudgy terrorists can hide, and nowhere you'd WANT to hide, because you aren't like them.  You want things shiny new bright happy better faster NOW, unlike those people walking.  We're against them.  Who are we?

We're the YOU people.  We're you.  Because you wouldn't have it any other way.

Or Kill Us.
" It's just that Depeche Mode were a bunch of optimistic loveburgers."
- TGRR, shaming himself forever, 7/8/2017

"Billy, when I say that ethics is our number one priority and safety is also our number one priority, you should take that to mean exactly what I said. Also quality. That's our number one priority as well. Don't look at me that way, you're in the corporate world now and this is how it works."
- TGRR, raising the bar at work.

Eater of Clowns

Quote from: Pippa Twiddleton on December 22, 2012, 01:06:36 AM
EoC, you are the bane of my existence.

Quote from: The Good Reverend Roger on March 07, 2014, 01:18:23 AM
EoC doesn't make creepy.

EoC makes creepy worse.

Quote
the afflicted persons get hold of and consume carrots even in socially quite unacceptable situations.

Cainad (dec.)

Oh yes.

"I kidnapped the future and ransomed it for the past." -Brag of the SubGenius

You bitched and moaned for the future, and now the market has finally become primed to sell it to you.

The Good Reverend Roger

You answer the door, and YOU'RE out there, with a display case and a pipe in your mouth.

:lulz:
" It's just that Depeche Mode were a bunch of optimistic loveburgers."
- TGRR, shaming himself forever, 7/8/2017

"Billy, when I say that ethics is our number one priority and safety is also our number one priority, you should take that to mean exactly what I said. Also quality. That's our number one priority as well. Don't look at me that way, you're in the corporate world now and this is how it works."
- TGRR, raising the bar at work.

Cainad (dec.)

Only in the Future of Now has it become possible to sell you yourself.

That's right, you don't even have yourself unless you buy into our comprehensive plan. Your political affiliations, your brand loyalties, and your opinions are all quicker, easier, and contain no user-serviceable parts.

The Good Reverend Roger

Quote from: Cainad on April 05, 2011, 06:39:23 PM
Only in the Future of Now has it become possible to sell you yourself.

That's right, you don't even have yourself unless you buy into our comprehensive plan. Your political affiliations, your brand loyalties, and your opinions are all quicker, easier, and contain no user-serviceable parts.


ooooooooooooohhhhh
" It's just that Depeche Mode were a bunch of optimistic loveburgers."
- TGRR, shaming himself forever, 7/8/2017

"Billy, when I say that ethics is our number one priority and safety is also our number one priority, you should take that to mean exactly what I said. Also quality. That's our number one priority as well. Don't look at me that way, you're in the corporate world now and this is how it works."
- TGRR, raising the bar at work.

Adios

Quote from: Cainad on April 05, 2011, 06:39:23 PM
Only in the Future of Now has it become possible to sell you yourself.

That's right, you don't even have yourself unless you buy into our comprehensive plan. Your political affiliations, your brand loyalties, and your opinions are all quicker, easier, and contain no user-serviceable parts.

Fucking news feed.

The Good Reverend Roger

Quote from: Charley Brown on April 05, 2011, 06:50:48 PM
Quote from: Cainad on April 05, 2011, 06:39:23 PM
Only in the Future of Now has it become possible to sell you yourself.

That's right, you don't even have yourself unless you buy into our comprehensive plan. Your political affiliations, your brand loyalties, and your opinions are all quicker, easier, and contain no user-serviceable parts.

Fucking news feed.

Done.
" It's just that Depeche Mode were a bunch of optimistic loveburgers."
- TGRR, shaming himself forever, 7/8/2017

"Billy, when I say that ethics is our number one priority and safety is also our number one priority, you should take that to mean exactly what I said. Also quality. That's our number one priority as well. Don't look at me that way, you're in the corporate world now and this is how it works."
- TGRR, raising the bar at work.

Juana

"I dispose of obsolete meat machines.  Not because I hate them (I do) and not because they deserve it (they do), but because they are in the way and those older ones don't meet emissions codes.  They emit too much.  You don't like them and I don't like them, so spare me the hysteria."

Mesozoic Mister Nigel

"I'm guessing it was January 2007, a meeting in Bethesda, we got a bag of bees and just started smashing them on the desk," Charles Wick said. "It was very complicated."


Jasper


Dysfunctional Cunt

The Y, LLC
"We make things better for someone.."
1600 Pennsylvania Avenue, NW
Washington, DC 20500


Dear Sir or Madam:

I'm writing to you with a very serious complaint.    I had contacted your company about renovating a room or two and redoing a couple of things to get the house ready to sell.  You never once returned my calls.  It's a very nice neighborhood and houses are still moving.  I just have no need for a 5 bedroom house anymore with it being just me and my husband since the kids are in college.

When I came home from work a month ago, my husband of 37 years asked me for a divorce.  He told me he had found someone new and she completed him, made him happy.  When I asked how he had met her, he handed me your card as he walked out the door.

When I came home from work two weeks ago everything in my house had been replaced with shiny new stuff.  On top of that there was a new family living in my house.  They are a very nice family, they have 3 children, one of whom was horribly maimed in a strange combine accident and has no arms or legs anymore.  They are lovely, but when I asked them why they were in my home they gave me your card.

So to have a place to stay, I rented a room at the local Hilton.  It's a wonderful hotel and the room service is just lovely.  The kind of place you really want to spend your honeymoon or at least share with a special friend.  I've been calling and leaving messages for your company since I moved in here.  Then last week, I opened the room door and my husband was in the bed banging his little chippy.  When I asked how he even knew I was there he gave me your card.

Needless to say, I changed hotels immediately.  The Marriott is nice.  Business class so it's very utilitarian, just what I need to keep my head straight.  Again, I have been leaving messages for your company.  I want my house back.  I want a place my children can come visit when they come home from college on break.  I have tow and both are political science majors.  I have every hope that one or both of them will be president some day once the teabag party is officially recognized.  Then two days ago, I open the door to my hotel room and both of my children are in the room reading these terrible subversive books  called the Principia Discordia and the Book of the Sub Genius.  They both announced they were changing their majors. One to Chaos theory and the other to something called slack.  When I asked where this all had come from, they handed me your card.

Again, I had to change hotels.  The Best Western is nice.  It has a bed and a bathroom.  I have again left several messages for your company.  This is getting ridiculous, I want my husband and my house and my life back.

Your immediate response is necessary to avoid my contacting the Better Business Bureau and the police.  That you have done is criminal

Sincerely,

Mrs. Agnes Brubaker
Best Western Motel

Dysfunctional Cunt

The Y, LLC
"We make things better for someone.."
1600 Pennsylvania Avenue, NW
Washington, DC 20500


Dear Ms. Brubaker;

On behalf of The Y, LLC I am giving you an official notice that any further contact will be considered harassment and we will press charges.

The Y is not in the habit of dealing directly with the people we help.  We help others to help you.  We have never had direct contact with our clients and do not intend to start doing so.

In each instance you have been handed our card, it was a situation where we knew what you truly wanted and just made it happen.  This is the way we work.

Contacting the BBB or any law enforcement will only cause you more distress than you seem to be having, but if you wish, please feel free to do so.

In the meantime, we need you to be at your former neighbor's home tomorrow morning.  You will need to wear the enclosed Teddy and heels.  The appointment to dye your hair is this afternoon at 3:00.  Go to your old neighbor's house and climb into her bed.  The one who lives two houses down from you, you remember, the one you said was addicted to botox.   Any activities you engage in while there with her new 30  year old boy toy are your decision and for your own enjoyment.  When she comes home, just hand her the enclosed card.  The enclosed money should cover any expenses you may have as well as allow you a nice holiday for your troubles.

Have a wonderful day.

Sincerely,

Curly  TheMan
CEO and Founder of The Y, LLC

The Good Reverend Roger

" It's just that Depeche Mode were a bunch of optimistic loveburgers."
- TGRR, shaming himself forever, 7/8/2017

"Billy, when I say that ethics is our number one priority and safety is also our number one priority, you should take that to mean exactly what I said. Also quality. That's our number one priority as well. Don't look at me that way, you're in the corporate world now and this is how it works."
- TGRR, raising the bar at work.

Dysfunctional Cunt

Quote from: The Good Reverend Roger on April 06, 2011, 07:45:01 PM
:lulz::potd::mittens:

That was fucking AWESOME!

Just a few sprinkles on a cake you baked my friend.  But it felt good....   :lulz: