I have been violated.

[The Good Reverend Roger]

The following is a letter of complaint that I have sent to Bookman's, a chain of large used-book stores in Tucson.

Sirs:

Last Tuesday I was in your fine establishment, sitting in one of their easy chairs and reading Pilgrim's Progress, like a proper Holy Man^TM ought to do.  Just getting my weekly dose of Holy^TM on in peace and quiet...Then there she is, traipsing out from between the World Almanacs and that satanic "new age" section, flashing ankle like the vile temptress she is.

I didn't want to do it.  No.  But she was a vile temptress, and she MADE me do it (Her petticoats were showing, what choice did I have?), right back behind the political science section, which is always empty.  I was utterly without say in the matter, and am now besmirched by SIN.  Horrible, venal, carnal, deadly SIN.

It is for this reason that I suggest you remove all sections other than religion and home-making from your stores.  In the meantime, I shall patrol that same section of the book store, in case she returns...Taking one for the team, as it were.  If I can save even one man from the crippling sin of getting a sleeve-job over a copy of Ferenbach, I feel I shall have redeemed myself.

Yours in the spirit,
Reverend Hamish Howl

[Payne]

I damn near inhaled my whole cigarette.

I LOVE IT!

[Sir Squid Diddimus]

 

[Don Coyote]

There is a cancer in America. Its name is "Bare Ankle." I applaud your efforts.

[Salty]

The audacity!

[The Good Reverend Roger]

I damn near inhaled my whole cigarette.

I LOVE IT!

I needed to go to the post office anyway, to put a few copies of MSY in the mail, so I figured a random insane complaint letter would be just the thing.

You guys should try it.  It's fun AND therapeutic.

[Salty]

Dear Lenscrafters,

I will begin by saying that my experiences with your location has always been positive. Your wide selection of overpriced eyewear has always struck a chord of camradarie, as if we were in the same side. US VS THEM. I also appreciate the manhandling of your patients, get 'em in/get 'em out I say. Thuroughness is for the incompetent. I like to think, in this regard, we are friendly if not friends.

It is just this swell of emotion that makes it difficult to send you the following.

I was in your store two days ago, perusing some RayBans when a...well how would one describe her?
A harlot. Yes, that's it. My word, I usually refrain from swearing but...there's just no other word for it.

Except maybe slattern. This...slattern walked right into your location wearing a "dress" (if you could call it that) that COMPLETELY revealed her ankles. I nearly had an involuntary bowel movement my shock was so great.

Now, this was bad enough. But then THEN...the reaction from within your store was...well there was no reaction, was there? Your people failed to act. I would have expected a quick and brutal caning. The girl could have only been about 27. She needed the firm stroke of a switch or...SOMETHING to set her back on the right path.

I will be testing your location in the coming weeks to see if any improvements have been made. If not there will be an onslaught of gentle and warm moral guidance coming your way. I assure you.

Warm regards,
Sven Doodle

[The Good Reverend Roger]

Watch that last line...You don't want anything that resembles an actual threat.

[Salty]

Good call. Thank you!

[Payne]

I damn near inhaled my whole cigarette.

I LOVE IT!

I needed to go to the post office anyway, to put a few copies of MSY in the mail, so I figured a random insane complaint letter would be just the thing.

You guys should try it.  It's fun AND therapeutic.

I used to write letters to my local area council. I included pie charts and everything. They NEED armoured cars and Massivel Gunned Fortresses of DOOM to keep the peasants in check, and while I think I presented my proposals well they never took my ideas up. They will learn the hard way, I suppose.

I think I have to do a version of this on webcam for youtubeness.

[Phox]