An Omnibus of Exciting Tales

[Mesozoic Mister Nigel]

Racist, dumb, unreadable.

[Doktor Howl]

WTF is this shit?

[Doktor Howl]

Can't actually tell if sarcasm. Not so good with forum based subtleties. Need people to talk slowly to me.

You

are

a

racist

[Jenne]

Thread title does not deliver.

[Dysfunctional Cunt]

Can we get our money back?

[PresidentLincPwln]

Thank you all, thank you so much. I've been trying to get someone to call my stuff horrible, but everyone is so annoyingly nice.

Now I can say that I'm misunderstood in my own time. You've all inspired me to continue writing.

In fact,

The Heroic Exploits of Detective Watts

"Stop!" shouted Detective Watts as he pursued the villainous Baron von Borl through the streets of London. "You have nowhere to run!"
"Nowhere?"  The Baron replied as he curled his fiendish mustache "Why, I never planned to run anywhere my dear Watts. Why would I when, with this; I can run ANYWHEN!?"

The Baron removed a gold-plated pocket watch from his waistcoat and turned its hands back, unleashing the device's extraordinary powers and tearing a hole in the fabric of space-time.
"Farwell my worthy foe" he said as he stepped into the vortex "we shall meet again or, should I say, HAVE met again!"

"Not so fast amigo!'
Suddenly, out of the shadows of the night, a sombrero wearing hero leapt to the Detective's side.
"El Nacho! You made it!" the Detective joyfully exclaimed
"Sí señor" El Nacho replied as he threw a boomerang at von Borl, knocking him out of the time-vortex and onto the ground.
"Baron Dwayne von Borl" Detective Watts said as he put a pair of handcuffs on his villainous foe "I hereby place you under arrest in the name of the British Empire."
"Curses" the Baron replied as he fell to his knees "foiled again."

Little did the Detective and his Hispanic friend know, even as they triumphed over their villainous foe; dark forces silently plotted his release. In the shadow of the Moon, hidden from the eyes of man, Invaders; both alien and strange, secretly plotted the Barons release and Great Britains downfall.

Chapter1:

Deep in the slums of Whitechapel, hidden by the dark and fog of the night, a menacing figure silently watched as Detective Watts and El Nacho began to unravel his horrific crime.

"Another murder" Watts said as he lit his pipe. "And yet again, Jack the Ripper has left us no witnesses or clues to his identity. Once more, a maniac has escaped the scene of his violent crime without arousing any suspicion. Therefore, logic dictates, he didn't have far to run before stashing his bloodied clothes and weapons."

"But senor" El Nacho replied. "These murders happened miles from one another. He can't be using the same safe house each time can he?"
There is" Watts continued "one place he had access to at every murder."
"Of course!" El Nacho joyfully exclaimed "He's been fleeing into the sewers!"
"Within his own shoes" The Detective corrected.
"I knew it! We'll round up all the shoe makers in the area. Only someone with their level of expertise could manage such a feat."
"No need" The Detective replied as he pulled his trusty pistol from its holster. "He should be behind me right... NOW!"
Watts turned and fires, knocking The Rippers dagger from his hand.
"Jack the Ripper" he said "I hereby place you under arrest in the name of the British Empire!"
"Curses!" The Ripper cursed "My villainous crime spree, ended by something as simple as a super genius Detective whose job it is to solve crimes. How ironic."
"Indeed senor" El Nacho said as he placed a pair of handcuffs on the Ripper. "Fate has a way of playing cruel tricks on us."

Little did the valiant Latino know, fate was soon to play a crueller trick on him and Watts. Beyond the Moon, the Invaders, using their incredible technology; atomically altered the fabric of The Rippers handcuffs, tearing them in two. Silently, The Ripper grabbed hold of Detective Watts trusty pistol, took aim and fired, ending his life; before turning it on El Nacho.

El Nacho leapt to the side and threw a razor sharp burrito at The Ripper, cutting the pistol in half but, before he could stop him, The Ripper escaped into the shadows of the night; leaving El Nacho to mourn his fallen friend.

Chapter 3:

Jack the Ripper, dagger in hand, slowly, silently crept through the dark streets of London; ever careful to avoid the diligent gaze of El Nacho and his elite squadron of shoemaker hunters.
"Curse that damnable Detective and his Hispanic cohort!" The Ripper said. "Now, not even my shoes can provide me with safe refuge from these English cretins!"
Suddenly, El Nacho leapt from around a corner, his trusty burrito readied for combat.
"Villainous cur!" he said "drop your blade and surrender your ill-gotten freedom!"
"Accursed Spaniard" The Ripper racisted in reply "I'll never surrender to the likes of you!"

The Ripper quickly climbed the walls of a nearby fish 'n chip shop and leapt through the window, as El Nacho followed behind.
"Take one step further" the Ripper said as he placed his knife on a fish 'n chips throat "and the fast food gets it."
"How could you!" El Nacho replied "How could you kill something so pure, so British."
"Make one wrong move" the Ripper continued "and it dies. No real Englishman would allow that to happen. The public will be disgusted. You'll be deported back to Sweden."
"Ok, ok." El Nacho said "just put the fish down, and I'll do anything you want."
"One billion pounds for the meals life" he said as he moved towards the window. "Come alone, or neither of you will survive."
The Ripper leapt from the window and fled into the crowded streets below, as El Nacho began to make his way back to Scotland Yard.

[Salty]

[Salty]

Just to clarify, I didn't waste any time reading what is likely to be racist, worthless shit.

[Doktor Howl]

TR;DR

[PresidentLincPwln]

The only racism was aimed at Hispanics, and is therefore ok.

And chances are that, at some point in history, there really was a guy named El Nacho.

[Doktor Howl]

The only racism was aimed at Hispanics, and is therefore ok.

And chances are that, at some point in history, there really was a guy named El Nacho.

Jesus, what a prize THIS fucko is.

[Freeky]

The only racism was aimed at Hispanics, and is therefore ok.

And chances are that, at some point in history, there really was a guy named El Nacho.

Tell me you're trying (and failing miserably) to be funny.

[Doktor Howl]

The only racism was aimed at Hispanics, and is therefore ok.

And chances are that, at some point in history, there really was a guy named El Nacho.

Tell me you're trying (and failing miserably) to be funny.

He's going for the Lenny Bruce effect.

Trouble is, it's been done.  Other trouble is, he's fucked himself.

[Freeky]

Hang on, let me hit google...

Ohhhh, okay.  Yeah, some people can get away with that, but this guy is

[Doktor Howl]

He's got a whole page of this tripe:

http://www.writerscafe.org/Detective%20Watts

It's fucking awful.  It's like having Delgotha glued to your corneas.