The help Coyote get into college thread

[Don Coyote]

ITT I will post essays and statements required by colleges as part of the admission process.
Comments on the content are welcome.
Comments and suggestions on the structure are very helpful.

Coyote is a fucking retard with just beyond a high school level of writing ability.



And fuck, my thumbdrive is in my acu jacket at my GF's house.

[Don Coyote]

For University of Washington Tacoma

Personal Statement

The personal statement is a critical element in the review of your application and will be used to assess your fit within the degree program and the University. Your personal statement should:

    Briefly describe your goals. What are your educational and career goals? How do you expect your coursework will help you attain these goals? If you are unsure of your specific career goals, let us know what areas you would like to explore and how you think this degree will help you. If you have college or community service, employment or other experience that complements your academic or career goals, include it here.
    Briefly discuss your college career to date. Do you feel that your grades accurately reflect your ability? If you've had to interrupt your college career or attend part-time in order to meet other responsibilities or obligations, describe them.
    Discuss aspects of your life that may not be evident through a review of your academic record. You may include cultural experiences that would enrich the diversity of your academic program and the UW Tacoma community; social and economic disadvantages that you may have had to overcome; growing up in an unusual environment and how it affected you.

Your personal statement should be no more than 500-650 words. Content as well as form, spelling, grammar and punctuation will be considered. You should write your statement first in a word processing program (such as Word) or a text editor, and then copy/paste it into the text box below. All line breaks will remain. However, some formatting may be lost, such as bold, italics and underlines. This will not affect the evaluation of your application!
Please include your full name at the top of your personal statement.

Tips
Be specific. Don't spend your time telling us things such as "I've always wanted to attend this program because I want a degree" or "My whole family graduated from the UW, so naturally I want to be a part of the tradition." Such reasons are legitimate, but they aren't valuable to the process because they don't tell us anything distinctive about you. Let us know what makes you unique. Give details and specific examples. Be sure your statement clearly outlines your educational and career goals. Attention to content and expression will be considered along with the mechanics of writing.

ME

I plan to earn a baccalaureate and be commissioned officer in the United States Army. To do so I will be enrolling in the Pacific Lutheran University Army ROTC battalion if I attend University of Washington Tacoma.  I enjoy learning, and I have a diverse range of interests making it difficult to lay down clear educational goals. I have primarily been interested in the interaction of form and function of tools and other artifacts across the world and throughout history, as well as the manufacturing processes used. This is leading me towards a degree in art, art history or history. The decision to pursue a commission removed a great deal of the pressure to pick the "right" degree plan. I now feel free to study what I want.

One of the many things I have gained from being in the Army is a stronger, more focused view of my life and goals. You will see that I have on three occasions I have failed a course in English composition. I will not make excuses for that, however at the time I had valid reasons, or what I thought were valid reasons. The first time was a personality conflict with the instructor, so I did the immature thing and just failed. The second time was due to an issue with my step-father over the importance between a course on welding or an English class. He felt the welding class was more important, and I had decided to cut that class to work on an English paper. I do not recall circumstances surround my last failure. I will say I gained the support of my supervisors, and I refused to fail when I took English Composition for the last time and succeeded. On the other hand I went out of my way to be allowed to register for ceramic courses and to use my own clay when I transferred from Cerro Coso to Ventura College.

While I was at Ventura College, I was focused on attaining an Associate's Degree in Industrial Design and Manufacturing, with a greater emphasis on the manufacturing end.  To me understanding how something is made was very important to. I have changed that view point now. By accepting the limitations of modern technology when we design new products, we will never move forward.  I am still extremely interested in the processes that have been used, are being used, and are being developed, whether it is the process used to make raku ware, or how modern super alloys are machined into parts. Understanding why previous generations did something the way they did, prevents us from making the same mistakes, but at the same time gives us an opportunity to do things differently, be it construction or art. When I come across something new and different I want to know how it was made, and why it was made that way.

I study, practice and teach der Kunst des Fechten, a historical European martial art(HEMA) originating in 13th century Germany with Johannes Liechtenauer, and carried through to the late 17th century by the Geselschaft Liechtenauers, or the Society of Liechtenauer. Der Kunst des Fechten merely means martial art, and is used by members of the HEMA community to refer to this lineage specifically rather than martial arts in general. I am currently a participant in a collaborative translation and interpretation of CGM 3711, a fencing manual dated to 1523 and written by Jörg Wilhalm Hutter, with members of a martial arts school I studied with in California. I have also been a member of the Society for Creative Anachronisms, during which I volunteered at all the local events.

[Phox]

I plan to earn a baccalaureate and be commissioned officer in the United States Army.

This seems a little awkward grammatically. Perhaps "I plan to earn a baccalaureate degree in order to be commissioned as an officer in the United States Army."?

To do so I will be enrolling in the Pacific Lutheran University Army ROTC battalion if I attend University of Washington Tacoma.

"To accomplish this goal, I intend to enroll in the Pacific Lutheran University Army ROTC battalion, should I be accepted at University of Washington Tacoma."

I enjoy learning, and I have a diverse range of interests making it difficult to lay down clear educational goals.

"I enjoy learning, and I have a diverse range of interests, which makes it difficult to lay down clear educational goals." This line might need to be worked on a bit.

This is leading me towards a degree in art, art history or history.

"For these reasons, I am currently considering a degree in art, art history, or history."

One of the many things I have gained from being in the Army is a stronger, more focused view of my life and goals. You will see that I have on three occasions I have failed a course in English composition. I will not make excuses for that, however at the time I had valid reasons, or what I thought were valid reasons. The first time was a personality conflict with the instructor, so I did the immature thing and just failed. The second time was due to an issue with my step-father over the importance between a course on welding or an English class. He felt the welding class was more important, and I had decided to cut that class to work on an English paper. I do not recall circumstances surrounding my last failure. I will say I gained the support of my supervisors, and I refused to fail when I took English Composition for the last time and succeeded. On the other hand I went out of my way to be allowed to register for ceramic courses and to use my own clay when I transferred from Cerro Coso to Ventura College.

I am not sure about this paragraph, but there are a few grammatical errors that you might want to consider revising, the most notable of which I have corrected.

To me understanding how something is made was very important to.

This is a terrible sentence. "Understanding how something is made was very important to me." Although, perhaps that sentence needs to be revised further.

I have changed that view point now.

I would remove this sentence all together.

The rest seems fairly solid at first glance. I will read it again later with a more critical eye, however.

[Don Coyote]

Thanks.

[Mesozoic Mister Nigel]

It reads well and you are a far better writer than you give  yourself credit for.

[Mesozoic Mister Nigel]

Phox's input was excellent.

[Don Coyote]

It reads well and you are a far better writer than you give  yourself credit for.

Thanks.

I prefer to err on the side of "Coyote is full of derp" instead of my original "I AM SMARTER THAN EVERYONE IN MY FUCKING CLASS SO IMMA SLACK OFF AND WRITE 5 PAGE ESSAY THE NIGHT BEFORE WITH NO OUTLINE OR PREWRITING"

[Anna Mae Bollocks]

+40 smart points for being calculating. 

[Mesozoic Mister Nigel]

It reads well and you are a far better writer than you give  yourself credit for.

Thanks.

I prefer to err on the side of "Coyote is full of derp" instead of my original "I AM SMARTER THAN EVERYONE IN MY FUCKING CLASS SO IMMA SLACK OFF AND WRITE 5 PAGE ESSAY THE NIGHT BEFORE WITH NO OUTLINE OR PREWRITING"

I think we could call that the opposite of the Dunning-Kruger effect. 

[Don Coyote]

And now for 889 words for University of Washington Seattle (NO I DON'T REALLY WANT TO GO BUT ALWAYS HAVE BACKUPS!!!!)

I plan to earn a baccalaureate degree in order to be commissioned as an officer in the United States Army. Should I be accepted at University of Washington Tacoma, I intend to enroll in the Pacific Lutheran University Army ROTC battalion to accomplish this goal. I enjoy learning, and I have a diverse range of interests making it difficult to lay down clear educational goals. I have primarily been interested in the interaction of form and function of tools and other artifacts across the world and throughout history, as well as the manufacturing processes used. For these reasons, I am currently considering a degree in art, art history, or history. The decision to pursue a commission removed a great deal of the pressure to pick the "right" degree plan. I now feel free to study what I want.
One of the many things I have gained from being in the Army is a stronger, more focused view of my life and goals. You will see that I have on three occasions I have failed a course in English composition. I will not make excuses for that. The first time was a personality conflict with the instructor, so I did the immature thing and just failed. The second time was due to an issue with my step-father over the importance between a course on welding or an English class. He felt the welding class was more important, and I had decided to cut that class to work on an English paper. I do not recall circumstances surround my last failure. Later, when I took English Composition for the last time, I gained the support of my supervisors, and I refused to fail. I have also gone out of my way to be allowed to register for ceramic courses and to use my own clay when I transferred from Cerro Coso to Ventura College. It is very important for me to work with my hands periodically, however I have not had enough space of my own to set up a studio the last few years. The only time I have had access to any form of studio has been through community colleges.
While I was at Ventura College, I was focused on attaining an Associate's Degree in Industrial Design and Manufacturing, with a greater emphasis on the manufacturing end Understanding how something is made was very important to me. By accepting the limitations of modern technology when we design new products, we will never move forward.  I am still extremely interested in the processes that have been used, are being used, and are being developed, whether it is the process used to make raku ware, or how modern super alloys are machined into parts. Understanding why previous generations did something the way they did, prevents us from making the same mistakes, but at the same time gives us an opportunity to do things differently, be it construction or art. When I come across something new and different I want to know how it was made, and why it was made that way.
I study, practice and teach der Kunst des Fechten, a historical European martial art (HEMA) originating in 13th century Germany with Johannes Liechtenauer, and carried through to the late 17th century by the Geselschaft Liechtenauers, or the Society of Liechtenauer. Der Kunst des Fechten merely means martial art, and is used by members of the HEMA community to refer to this lineage specifically rather than martial arts in general. I am currently a participant in a collaborative translation and interpretation of CGM 3711, a fencing manual dated to 1523 and written by Jörg Wilhalm Hutter, with members of a martial arts school I studied with in California. I have also been a member of the Society for Creative Anachronisms, during which I volunteered at all the local events.
   In June 2007 I enlisted into United States Army, and ever since I have been exposed to people from across the world. The Army is one of the most cultural diverse workforces in the US. Now is where I detail how much fuller my life has been made from the interactions with peoples of widely divergent backgrounds, but in the Army it seems everybody acts the same, whether they come from Africa or L.A. On the other hand, the Army has a different culture than the rest of the US. I enjoy learning about other cultures. I have an interest in anime, which alone does not say much, but I like to contrast American and Japanese versions of the same anime, or of differing continuations of the same series. I am especially enjoying it now as a close friend of mine studies Japanese and I get to ask her what particular words and phrases mean in Japanese, and how it actually translates into American English.
During my career I have earned awards for: participating as a member of a firing team in a memorial service for a soldier in my company, being a member of a funeral honors team that covered Washington in rendering honors to deceased Veterans, supporting Operation Iraqi Freedom from May 2009 to May 2010, and supporting my company as the acting supply sergeant during a convoy live fire exercise. I have constantly and consistently been placed in positions above my rank and surpassed expectations.

[Don Coyote]

And 641 words for UW Tacoma. I have no idea why the Tacoma campus wants less than Seattle.

I plan to earn a baccalaureate degree in order to be commissioned as an officer in the United States Army. Should I be accepted at University of Washington Tacoma, I intend to enroll in the Pacific Lutheran University Army ROTC battalion to accomplish this goal. I enjoy learning, and I have a diverse range of interests making it difficult to lay down clear educational goals. I have primarily been interested in the interaction of form and function of tools and other artifacts across the world and throughout history, as well as the manufacturing processes used. For these reasons, I am currently considering a degree in art, art history, or history. The decision to pursue a commission removed a great deal of the pressure to pick the "right" degree plan. I now feel free to study what I want.
One of the many things I have gained from being in the Army is a stronger, more focused view of my life and goals. You will see that I have on three occasions I have failed a course in English composition. I will not make excuses for that. The first time was a personality conflict with the instructor, so I did the immature thing and just failed. The second time was due to an issue with my step-father over the importance between a course on welding or an English class. He felt the welding class was more important, and I had decided to cut that class to work on an English paper. I do not recall circumstances surround my last failure. Later, when I took English Composition for the last time, I gained the support of my supervisors, and I refused to fail. I have also gone out of my way to be allowed to register for ceramic courses and to use my own clay when I transferred from Cerro Coso to Ventura College. It is very important for me to work with my hands periodically, however I have not had enough space of my own to set up a studio the last few years. The only time I have had access to any form of studio has been through community colleges.
While I was at Ventura College, I was focused on attaining an Associate's Degree in Industrial Design and Manufacturing, with a greater emphasis on the manufacturing end Understanding how something is made was very important to me. By accepting the limitations of modern technology when we design new products, we will never move forward.  I am still extremely interested in the processes that have been used, are being used, and are being developed, whether it is the process used to make raku ware, or how modern super alloys are machined into parts. Understanding why previous generations did something the way they did, prevents us from making the same mistakes, but at the same time gives us an opportunity to do things differently, be it construction or art. When I come across something new and different I want to know how it was made, and why it was made that way.
I study, practice and teach der Kunst des Fechten, a historical European martial art (HEMA) originating in 13th century Germany with Johannes Liechtenauer, and carried through to the late 17th century by the Geselschaft Liechtenauers, or the Society of Liechtenauer. Der Kunst des Fechten merely means martial art, and is used by members of the HEMA community to refer to this lineage specifically rather than martial arts in general. I am currently a participant in a collaborative translation and interpretation of CGM 3711, a fencing manual dated to 1523 and written by Jörg Wilhalm Hutter, with members of a martial arts school I studied with in California. I have also been a member of the Society for Creative Anachronisms, during which I volunteered at all the local events.

[Don Coyote]

Submitting this to UW Tacoma.

I plan to earn a baccalaureate degree in order to be commissioned as an officer in the United States Army. Should I be accepted at University of Washington Tacoma, I intend to enroll in the Pacific Lutheran University Army ROTC battalion to accomplish this goal. I enjoy learning, and I have a diverse range of interests making it difficult to lay down clear educational goals. I have primarily been interested in the interaction of form and function of tools and other artifacts across the world and throughout history, as well as the manufacturing processes used. For these reasons, I am currently considering a degree in art, art history, or history. The decision to pursue a commission removed a great deal of the pressure to pick the "right" degree plan. I now feel free to study what I want.
One of the many things I have gained from being in the Army is a stronger, more focused view of my life and goals. You will see that I have on three occasions I have failed a course in English composition. I will not make excuses for that. The first time was a personality conflict with the instructor, so I did the immature thing and just failed. The second time was due to an issue with my step-father over the importance between a course on welding or an English class. He felt the welding class was more important, and I had decided to cut that class to work on an English paper. I do not recall circumstances surround my last failure. Later, when I took English Composition for the last time, I gained the support of my supervisors, and I refused to fail. I have also gone out of my way to be allowed to register for ceramic courses and to use my own clay when I transferred from Cerro Coso to Ventura College. It is very important for me to work with my hands periodically, however I have not had enough space of my own to set up a studio the last few years. The only time I have had access to any form of studio has been through community colleges.
While I was at Ventura College, I was focused on attaining an Associate's Degree in Industrial Design and Manufacturing, with a greater emphasis on the manufacturing end Understanding how something is made was very important to me. By accepting the limitations of modern technology when we design new products, we will never move forward. Understanding why previous generations did something the way they did, prevents us from making the same mistakes, but also gives us an opportunity to do things differently, be it construction or art. When I come across something new and different I want to know how it was made, and why it was made that way.
I study, practice and teach der Kunst des Fechten, a historical European martial art (HEMA) originating in 13th century Germany with Johannes Liechtenauer. Der Kunst des Fechten simply means martial art, and is used by members of the HEMA community to refer to this lineage specifically rather than martial arts in general. I am currently a participant in a collaborative translation and interpretation of CGM 3711, a fencing manual dated to 1523 and written by Jörg Wilhalm Hutter, with members of a martial arts school I studied with in California. I have also been a member of the Society for Creative Anachronisms, during which I volunteered at all the local events.
I am currently still on Active Duty, so I cannot call myself a Veteran. I will be before the Spring 2012 session starts. I am just now establishing residency in the State of Washington, so I do not claim to be a resident. I will be joining the WA National Guard in December and I am planning on continuing to reside in this state.

I will probably suck and fail.

[Mesozoic Mister Nigel]

Coyote, I think that you need help in writing essays that sell yourself as an academic asset. Those essays were full of reasons/excuses for your past failures, which are not at all what you should focus on in your entry essays... instead, you should focus on what you want and why you are awesome. The goal is to be accepted, after all!

[Phox]

Coyote, I think that you need help in writing essays that sell yourself as an academic asset. Those essays were full of reasons/excuses for your past failures, which are not at all what you should focus on in your entry essays... instead, you should focus on what you want and why you are awesome. The goal is to be accepted, after all!

What she said. For the most part, your writing is grammatically and technically sound, but I have reservations about the content.

I will give them both a more thorough read tomorrow and try to make what suggestions I can.

[Suu]

Coyote, I think that you need help in writing essays that sell yourself as an academic asset. Those essays were full of reasons/excuses for your past failures, which are not at all what you should focus on in your entry essays... instead, you should focus on what you want and why you are awesome. The goal is to be accepted, after all!

THIS.