I'm so tired.

[Mesozoic Mister Nigel]

I know I have to stay upbeat, and I have to just keep chugging along, but months go by and I can't catch up and I have no health insurance and there's something wrong in my guts and no matter how many hours I try to work every day someone wants a form or a document or a chunk of time and there is never enough time and I can't catch up and I can't get enough sleep and I don't have enough time to do all the things I need to get done in a day and I can't find the form, I can't find the form, I forgot to sign the form and they want me to start over but I don't know where I'll find the time and I'm just

so

tired.

[Doktor Howl]

I know I have to stay upbeat, and I have to just keep chugging along, but months go by and I can't catch up and I have no health insurance and there's something wrong in my guts and no matter how many hours I try to work every day someone wants a form or a document or a chunk of time and there is never enough time and I can't catch up and I can't get enough sleep and I don't have enough time to do all the things I need to get done in a day and I can't find the form, I can't find the form, I forgot to sign the form and they want me to start over but I don't know where I'll find the time and I'm just

so

tired.

Make some Chai.  Have a smoke.

It won't fix anything, but you'll feel better.

[Mesozoic Mister Nigel]

I know I have to stay upbeat, and I have to just keep chugging along, but months go by and I can't catch up and I have no health insurance and there's something wrong in my guts and no matter how many hours I try to work every day someone wants a form or a document or a chunk of time and there is never enough time and I can't catch up and I can't get enough sleep and I don't have enough time to do all the things I need to get done in a day and I can't find the form, I can't find the form, I forgot to sign the form and they want me to start over but I don't know where I'll find the time and I'm just

so

tired.

Make some Chai.  Have a smoke.

It won't fix anything, but you'll feel better.

I know I'll be fine. If I just keep on going. One foot in front of the other, right?

I've spent enough of the morning on the phone with Bank of America. I'll go into my studio and make beads. I'm not an artist anymore, Dok, I'm a production worker.

[Doktor Howl]

I know I have to stay upbeat, and I have to just keep chugging along, but months go by and I can't catch up and I have no health insurance and there's something wrong in my guts and no matter how many hours I try to work every day someone wants a form or a document or a chunk of time and there is never enough time and I can't catch up and I can't get enough sleep and I don't have enough time to do all the things I need to get done in a day and I can't find the form, I can't find the form, I forgot to sign the form and they want me to start over but I don't know where I'll find the time and I'm just

so

tired.

Make some Chai.  Have a smoke.

It won't fix anything, but you'll feel better.

I know I'll be fine. If I just keep on going. One foot in front of the other, right?

I've spent enough of the morning on the phone with Bank of America. I'll go into my studio and make beads. I'm not an artist anymore, Dok, I'm a production worker.

Then maybe you need to take a good long look at what you're doing.  I mean, if it almost pays the bills, and has the added benefit of eating your soul while you slowly fall behind, maybe it's time to try to find another source of income so you can go back to art?

Just a suggestion.  Something to think about while you

go

outside

and drink some chai.

[Mesozoic Mister Nigel]

I know I have to stay upbeat, and I have to just keep chugging along, but months go by and I can't catch up and I have no health insurance and there's something wrong in my guts and no matter how many hours I try to work every day someone wants a form or a document or a chunk of time and there is never enough time and I can't catch up and I can't get enough sleep and I don't have enough time to do all the things I need to get done in a day and I can't find the form, I can't find the form, I forgot to sign the form and they want me to start over but I don't know where I'll find the time and I'm just

so

tired.

Make some Chai.  Have a smoke.

It won't fix anything, but you'll feel better.

I know I'll be fine. If I just keep on going. One foot in front of the other, right?

I've spent enough of the morning on the phone with Bank of America. I'll go into my studio and make beads. I'm not an artist anymore, Dok, I'm a production worker.

Then maybe you need to take a good long look at what you're doing.  I mean, if it almost pays the bills, and has the added benefit of eating your soul while you slowly fall behind, maybe it's time to try to find another source of income so you can go back to art?

Just a suggestion.  Something to think about while you

go

outside

and drink some chai.

Such a simple solution, right? Just get a job. Why, that hadn't occurred to me. Sorry if I sound bitter, but please don't insult me with the assumption that I haven't weighed alternatives. I'm very aware of my options, limited though they are. Facile solutions from an outside perspective are something I get all the time and it's frustrating to explain over and over again to people why I'm making the choices I'm making now. "Why don't you kick out your housemate?" people say. "Have you thought about looking for a job?"

No, I'm a complete idiot and not capable of thinking through the most obvious scenarios. Clearly.

If I could find a job I'm qualified for (retail/warehouse) it wouldn't pay me what I'm making now, and on top of that I wouldn't be home for the kids after school. Add commuting expenses and I might as well pay someone to take my house. I am looking for part-time bartending but so far, nothing. I have no bartending experience, so that's unsurprising.

The reason I'm starting college this winter (reminds me, I need to go to campus for a form they need me to fill out) is so that at some point in the future, I will have skills that will qualify me for a job that earns more than I'm making now, hopefully with some kind of benefits.

Right now my goals are to work enough to keep up, restructure my loan so I'm paying less, finish my bathroom and move the girls upstairs so I can charge a housemate more, and somehow MAKE IT to the beginning of winter term. If all the plans I currently have in motion come through, then I will be OK long-term. In the meantime, I'm really fucking tired.

[Mesozoic Mister Nigel]

It actually occurred to me that a bartending job would be fucking stupid anyway, as it would almost certainly pay me less than the extra hours I spend torching now.

[maphdet]

I dont know. Bartending could be fun. You'd be OUT of the house and making money and socializing. And depending an where you bartend, the cash in hand every day may be more than you think.

Lie about never bartending-get a book and learn the drinks-then practice making them for friends. Throw a party.

But first-listen to the Dok- go outside and drink some chai.
I think that's sound advise.



Hang in there.
Tired is a daunting feeling.
Hope to hear that you are rested soon.

[Mesozoic Mister Nigel]

I dont know. Bartending could be fun. You'd be OUT of the house and making money and socializing. And depending an where you bartend, the cash in hand every day may be more than you think.

Lie about never bartending-get a book and learn the drinks-then practice making them for friends. Throw a party.

But first-listen to the Dok- go outside and drink some chai.
I think that's sound advise.



Hang in there.
Tired is a daunting feeling.
Hope to hear that you are rested soon.

I don't think bartending is a good option for me, frankly. It would kill my existing social life. It would replace the extra hours I spend torching. If I torch for three hours, I can make a couple hundred dollars worth of beads. It takes about three more hours in work to sell them, and I can do these things in the house with my three children. Or I can be up until three in the morning closing a bar and be even more exhausted than I am now, with my sleep schedule all fucked up, still having to get up at 7 in the morning to get the kids to school.

I'm also tired of explaining why stupid shit that isn't a good idea for me is stupid and not a good idea for me. Seriously. It's fucking annoying that the default assumption seems to be that if I'm struggling it must be because I'm a fucking idiot who can't do a simple cost/benefit analysis on different options.

My favorite thing is how often, when I explain to people why I'm not <insert oversimplistic suggestion here>, (why do I bother?) often their skepticism is palpable, as if I simply don't know what I'm talking about.

Sure, I could probably eventually find a job that would pay the bills, but then how would I go back to school? Where does that leave me long-term?

My ex used to say I'm "unambitious" because I will tolerate less-than-ideal circumstances for extended periods of time in pursuit of a long-range goal. But I'd rather have a much better outcome in five years than a slightly better outcome in five months.



And in the meantime, things MAY SUCK.

[Doktor Howl]

No, I'm a complete idiot and not capable of thinking through the most obvious scenarios. Clearly.

Yeah, leaving now.

[Mesozoic Mister Nigel]

No, I'm a complete idiot and not capable of thinking through the most obvious scenarios. Clearly.

Yeah, leaving now.

I'm sorry for being oversensitive. You touched a nerve.

[Doktor Howl]

No, I'm a complete idiot and not capable of thinking through the most obvious scenarios. Clearly.

Yeah, leaving now.

I'm sorry for being oversensitive. You touched a nerve.

You said you were feeling like you weren't an artist anymore, or becoming that way.  I offered the only advice I could think of.  Not because I think "just getting a job" is easy or obvious, but because you are apparently viewing the thing you love to do as grunt work.  You're a hell of a lot more capable than you seem to think; torching and bartending are not the extent of your abilities. 

Let me just explain my position, here.  I have an extremely high-stress job.  I get full each night eating pills that keep me going, and when I wake up, I eat more pills.  I've had a crowd of loud-mouth assholes screaming in my head for more than a year...And no medical reason why, other than apparently subsumed stress.  I live in a fucked up border town that has all the culture of Asshole, Texas, and a state government that's trying to bring back the good old days of White people, before women.  I put up with all of this because I have a daughter counting on me to keep my shit in one bag for a few more years.

What this means is that I am a bundle of jangled nerves like a overtightened banjo, with a grip on reality that can best be summed up as tenuous.  What THAT means is that I am incapable - not unwilling, but incapable - of dealing with a social situation that involves getting burned at apparently random intervals when I try to help, given that the help I offered was at worst harmless.

And what it all boils down to is that I have to leave for a while.  Not flouncing, not saying "OH, THAT'S IT, OUR FRIENDSHIP IS OVER", or anything like that...Because the situation, though unpleasant and a little jarring, doesn't rate such a response.

I just need to go for a while, get my fucking head together, and find something that resembles relaxing.

I'll be back when I'm back.

Ciao,
Roger

[Mesozoic Mister Nigel]

I HAVE to find something else to do besides making glass beads... I have tendonitis, I have maybe 2 years tops if I keep at it full-time. That's why I'm going back to school this winter. What has been frustrating me since this summer when I started working toward school is that any time I say anything to anyone about how much life is sucking right now, they suggest that I get a job. I'm really tired of it. I have a job. If I get a different job, even if it paid the bills, it would fuck all of my long-term plans, possibly irreparably.

I appreciate that I have the option of doing what I do, even if it's just production work... dude, I'm hell of lucky to HAVE A JOB. Period! But I have to be so focused on production that I have no time to make art. And I'm tired. I made 160 beads today, and my whole body aches. I still have to do ebay listings, and I have to make another 150 beads tomorrow, and I have to write a profit and loss statement and a hardship letter, I have to go to PCC and figure out what form it is I need to fill out for them, I have to ship orders, I have to raise my kids.

Yeah, I need to find something else to do for a living. But right now I feel monumentally unheard because that's what all this is about. That's why I've been working so hard all summer. So I can go back to school, so I can do something else for a living. It's all I've been working toward all year.

Sorry for being a jerk about it.

[Doktor Howl]

S'okay.  Sorry for the last response.  Last thing you need is an earful of my problems.

Christ, I'm sick of this office.  Of this job.  Of this city.

But I can't leave.

So, yeah.  I see what you're saying.

[Doktor Howl]

Fuck it.  I'm taking a week off, this month.

And I'm going to spend it looking for trouble, like I used to.

[Mesozoic Mister Nigel]

Fuck it.  I'm taking a week off, this month.

And I'm going to spend it looking for trouble, like I used to.

That sounds like a great idea!

Also, I don't want to be a hypocrite and I'm sure there are very valid reasons that you don't quit that job, but