ITT, We compare desert cultures.

[Doktor Howl]

Australia:  Settled by poor criminals.
Tucson:  Settled by psychotic criminals.
Phoenix:  Settled by rich criminals.

Australia:  Killed off a largely non-violent indigent people to make room.
Tucson:  Killed off an insanely violent indigent people for cheap kicks.
Phoenix:  Nobody lived there before, and with good reason.

Australia:  Doesn't like guns.
Tucson:  Loves guns.
Phoenix:  Requires guns.

Australia:  Fought the Japanese.
Tucson:  Has heard of Japan.
Phoenix:  Has not heard of Japan.

Australia:  Has racial problems.
Tucson:  Does not have racial problems.
Phoenix:  Doesn't allow anyone with smudgy skin out in public.

Australia:  Is upside down.
Tucson:  Is sideways.
Phoenix:  Is a brightly-lit version of hell.

Australia:  Has about 30 people in it.
Tucson:  Has 1.1 million people in and around it.
Phoenix:  Is 100 miles of concrete full of zombies.  Not the cool kind, though.

Australia:  Loves beer.
Tucson:  Loves whiskey.
Phoenix:  Loves misery.

Australia:  Has cops.
Tucson:  Has cops.
Phoenix:  Has Sheriff Joe the Nazi.

Australia:  Has lizards.
Tucson:  Has lizards.
Phoenix:  Elects lizards.

I think we can all agree that Tucson and Australia are superior, so Phoenix is eliminated, and Tucson & Australia go to the elimination round.

[Payne]

I can't believe Phoenix was ever even in the running, to be honest.

Tucson: really hard (some say impossible) to leave
Australia: really hard (some say impossible) to enter

[Doktor Howl]

I can't believe Phoenix was ever even in the running, to be honest.

Tucson: really hard (some say impossible) to leave
Australia: really hard (some say impossible) to enter

Well, all 3 are tiny little settlements in big fucking deserts.

[Jenne]

  I haven't made it to Ozland (yet), but damn if that don't all sound correct.

[Payne]

I can't believe Phoenix was ever even in the running, to be honest.

Tucson: really hard (some say impossible) to leave
Australia: really hard (some say impossible) to enter

Well, all 3 are tiny little settlements in big fucking deserts.

Yes. But Phoenix is a dirty word and you are a righteous man.

[Doktor Howl]

I can't believe Phoenix was ever even in the running, to be honest.

Tucson: really hard (some say impossible) to leave
Australia: really hard (some say impossible) to enter

Well, all 3 are tiny little settlements in big fucking deserts.

Yes. But Phoenix is a dirty word and you are a righteous man.

But as a man of SCIENCE, I have to face certain ugly truths.

[Payne]

I can't believe Phoenix was ever even in the running, to be honest.

Tucson: really hard (some say impossible) to leave
Australia: really hard (some say impossible) to enter

Well, all 3 are tiny little settlements in big fucking deserts.

Yes. But Phoenix is a dirty word and you are a righteous man.

But as a man of SCIENCE, I have to face certain ugly truths.

For completeness then, even if it is out of the running:

Phoenix: A mobius strip border

[Suu]

I think I've been sold to NEVER go to Phoenix. Ever.

[Doktor Howl]

I think I've been sold to NEVER go to Phoenix. Ever.

That's like saying "DO NEVER GO SWIMMING IN A TAR PIT".

It's true, but do you really have to be told?

[Cain]

Tuscon: has venomous snakes, lizards and spiders
Australia: has venomous everything.

[Suu]

What I don't understand, Dok, is why people are migrating there by the droves? You know and I know what kind of a terrible place it is, but why are people leaving their safe, hurricane prone, overpopulated East Coast lives to go THERE?! Surely, as a man of science, you must have an answer.

[Payne]

I once had a dream (about 13 years ago) that I was trying to find a man who's online monikor was OLO in Phoenix.

It was terrifying.

I have never knowingly dreamt of Tucson, or Australia.

[Doktor Howl]

Tuscon: has venomous snakes, lizards and spiders
Australia: has venomous everything.

Phoenix:  Has venomous people.

[Doktor Howl]

What I don't understand, Dok, is why people are migrating there by the droves? You know and I know what kind of a terrible place it is, but why are people leaving their safe, hurricane prone, overpopulated East Coast lives to go THERE?! Surely, as a man of science, you must have an answer.

Like seeks like.  Horrible people go to horrible places.  It's sort of like being pre-judged, God's last warning.

[Suu]

Figures. All they ever do is talk about how "nice" Phoenix is. And how it's "paradise."