Derp of a Salesman

[Salty]

"Humanity, you never had it to begin with." - Bukowski


I've never been able to wash the taste of humanity out of my mouth. No matter how I better my skills at interacting with people (and how strange that talking with people online would help that, usually it's the other way around) I will never truly be like them. Maybe I just have a bad attitude. I can live with a helluva lot worse than that.

The bitter coating of humanity that makes me spit and hack just spending my day around people is hard to hide. They always inquire "What's wrong? It looks like you're choking on something."

Yeah. You, and your dreams.

When a salesperson, a good* salesperson, succeeds at doing what they do best they aren't selling you a vacuum cleaner or a teevee or a car charger for your smartphone or overpriced dead sea face wash, they're selling you your dreams incarnate, your dreams realized. You've finally got your hands right on them, you can feel and taste and use and FUCK things that have only lived in your heart for oh so long. Surely that's worth the pittance this smiling face is asking, and you can put off that credit card bill anyhow for another month, surely.

My dreams, however, are different. In my most warm and comforting dreams there is a world of fire, a  world where the myth of justice is realized in the swift, loving stroke of a mean-spirited red-headed demon bringing The Horrible Truth home to motherfucking ROOST. My dreams, my hopes and fears and worries are something that nobody and I mean NOBODY wants to sell because they're not the kind of dreams you can buy. My dreams do not increase shareholders profits, nor do they increase productivity. I have had those other kinds of dreams and they, mercifully, died years and years ago. The death of those rotted dream is not the kind of gift you can really thank anyone for but then again you know what I'm talking about and I think we can both agree that going back to that kind of dreaming would be a special sort of hell. Based on some recent links I believe that fella Hugh went back down that path and, well,

They try and they try and they fucking try but they can't make a salesman out of me.

Never mind that selling is an integral part of my job. Never mind that 85% of the people I sell to deserve every inch of fleecing they would receive at the hands of another for their willful ignorance alone. Never mind the bile in my belly. I will not lie to sell things to people who don't need the things I'm selling.

The pressure is...intense. At first I welcomed it because ever since finding sweet Eris I look forward to many of the beatings this life has to offer, I think I come out better for it. I know so.

Right as I got this work I met a like-minded gentleman in a bar. It was one of those rare, amazing moments when you meet someone so in sync with yourself, where the both of you can hear the same heart beating in each other's chests. Naturally, I never saw this guy again. But he told me he had just got done working for Amazon and was now working half a world away for some benevolent non-profit and he told me: "The corporate cock does not taste good."

He sure knew what he was talking about. Too bad I'll never see that guy again, he would have been a good friend, I think. One night and he saw me just for who I am. He called me an asshole in such an affectionate way.

I told him about and think it's what he needed.

The corporate cock does not taste good BUT:

1.   You gotta do what you gotta do.

AND

2.   You don't have to swallow.

TL;DR
My hatred for humanity does not rob me of my own.

OR KILL ME.

[The Wizard Joseph]

    

The corporate cock does not taste good BUT:

1.   You gotta do what you gotta do.

AND

2.   You don't have to swallow.

OR KILL ME.

Perhaps the solution is to become the cock and not the supplicant one day.

Also

The pressure is...intense. At first I welcomed it because ever since finding sweet Eris I look forward to many of the beatings this life has to offer, I think I come out better for it. I know so.

That which does not kill you is a gift from the goddess.  She's just so fucking generous!

[Freeky]

That was fantastic, Alty.

[Jenne]

Yes.  I've had the same...misadventures while trying to sell snow to Eskimoes (or its equivalent).  Excellent piece, Alty.

[Luna]

Hell, yes, Alty.

[Golden Applesauce]

If you hate all humanity, maybe you've swallowed more than you thought?  From my (limited) experience, the first lie those organizations sell to their salesman is that everyone is just as cynical as you need to be to succeed in their cynical world.  But the real world is bigger than that - there are plenty of kind honest people on this planet.  Maybe not in your local sphere as a salesman, but they're out there.

And there are plenty of organizations that will gladly sell people dreams of firey justice raining down on the undeserving.  Cf: most paramilitary groups, the "abominable fancy", the more violent wish-fulfillment comics/movies.

[Salty]

If you hate all humanity, maybe you've swallowed more than you thought?  From my (limited) experience, the first lie those organizations sell to their salesman is that everyone is just as cynical as you need to be to succeed in their cynical world.  But the real world is bigger than that - there are plenty of kind honest people on this planet.  Maybe not in your local sphere as a salesman, but they're out there.

And there are plenty of organizations that will gladly sell people dreams of firey justice raining down on the undeserving.  Cf: most paramilitary groups, the "abominable fancy", the more violent wish-fulfillment comics/movies.

Now there's a thought worth pursuing. I try to question my misanthropy and cynicism as much as anything else so as not to follow just another path as blandly and blindly as I've followed others.

That said, this is not the case with this company. Quite the opposite, actually. They have created a whole subset of information, dogma, and propaganda to heard their own into neat little herds of positive thinking, helpful individuals. Here in a bit, if I land this job in another company, I will most definitely go lengths to go into details.

For now: It's my job to Offer Solutions to people. Judging from my training material a person would hardly suspect my job involves selling anything. The company does their level best to create a thick mesh between their real-world actions and the face that lures their customers into the lullabies the marketing department creates.

This company has done some serious damage to some core American civil values. I get complaints all the time. I am at the front-lines of complaints directed at this company. Do you know how many times in 1 1/2 years I've received reasonable complaints regarding the 4th Amendment? Zero. I am, by far, the most cynical person at my location, probably my entire region. The others do not trouble themselves with the hideousness of people any more than the trouble themselves with the deeds of their Big Bro*. My coworkers share the same chopping block they lay their customers on. The saddest part is they don't know it.

You are right though. There are plenty of people out there who are worth the effort and glands and meat. I do my level best to make sure every person I talk to pays the least amount they absolutely need to. I don't sell them things they don't need, I strip their bills down to the minimum, I don't take their money until I make sure my company refunds them as much as possible if I think they are owed such restitution.

Truth be told, hamfistedly, 87% of the people I talk to are people just trying to get by and treat me like a person instead of a logo. It's those few who are righteous COCKNOZZLES that piss me off and make me see little more than shades of grey.

Perhaps you are right about people selling fiery justice. I haven't come across any that can pay my bills and I don't think I want to. I've always sought work that lets me help people. I just get mad.



*I shit you not: In my training I was told "You know that old saying 'Big Brother is watching? Well, he is.'" 

[Murmur]

Love it, Alty!