BUTT-CHUGGING... DEBUNKED!

[Mesozoic Mister Nigel]

I always thought that the vodka-soaked tampon stories sounded like pure, uncut urban legend. "Kids will do some crazy things to catch a buzz!"

Apparently they will even defy biology. Those wacky kids!

The first tip-off that it's an urban legend is the "no alcohol breath" part of the story. As anyone who has ever smelled a drunk knows, it doesn't matter what orifice the alcohol goes into, it metabolizes out everywhere. If you got drunk up the ass enough to matter, people would be able to smell it on your breath just as much as if you drank a shot of vodka.

The second tip-off is that, as the author of the article illustrates, whoever came up with this idea has clearly limited experience with tampons. It's just not a practical method of delivery. Try jamming a handful of wet cotton balls up your ass and you'll see what I mean.

The whole thing reeks of teenage boys making shit up, and one brave woman decided to put it to the test:

http://www.huffingtonpost.ca/danielle-crittenden/vodka-tampons_b_1105433.html?ncid=edlinkusaolp00000008

Conclusion on methodology: My experiment showed me that the soppy, unfurled tampon was the only way to go.

The Test

First I had to wring the damn thing out a little. I didn't want to lose too much of the vodka so I kind of shook it above the glass and gently squeezed it. I would estimate that about a half-ounce was lost. Then I looked at it a little despairingly. Well, friend, how were we going to do this?

I repaired to the bathroom and -- without too much information here -- managed to wad the thing up and push it in where it was supposed to go. (Did it help that I've had three kids? Possibly.) Girls, don't do this in your best party dresses: I think I lost another half-ounce in the process as it splattered on to my clothes and the floor. No need to say "Bottoms up!"

Reaction:

Oh sweet mother of Jeez----

Owwwwww.....

Absolut... firewater!!!!!!! Holy sheeeeeeeee...

It felt like someone had thrown a lit match in there. I began hopping around and breathing in the rapid, short puffs I'd learned in birth classes, so long ago, before I realized I didn't need to breathe like that if I took the epidural.

[LMNO]

Now there's someone who believes in SCIENCE.

[Kai]

Well, whatddaya know, when alcohol comes into contact with cuticular membranes it burns like a fire! Whowuddathunk! 

[The Good Reverend Roger]

My week.

Ruined.

[kingyak]

If only you'd posted this BEFORE I had that long weekend to kill...

[Dysfunctional Cunt]

Well, whatddaya know, when alcohol comes into contact with cuticular membranes it burns like a fire! Whowuddathunk! 

Yeah, I think Kai called this the first time around.

I've thought from the get go it was a bit insane just because tampons are made to absorb, not excreet (is that the right word?).

In any event, these stupid kids need to learn their lesson like the rest of us did and develop a taste for peppermint or cinnamon schnapps just like we had too.....  (joking ok)

[ñͤͣ̄ͦ̌̑͗͊͛͂͗ ̸̨̨̣̺̼̣̜͙͈͕̮̊̈́̈͂͛̽͊ͭ̓͆ͅé ̰̓̓́ͯ́́͞]

I salute this woman's commitment to journalism.

[Jenne]

I heard about this over the weekend.  This chick certainly took it to the wall!

[The Good Reverend Roger]

Lousy jackass, peeling back the vinyl like that.

A world without butt-chugging isn't a world I want to live in.

[ñͤͣ̄ͦ̌̑͗͊͛͂͗ ̸̨̨̣̺̼̣̜͙͈͕̮̊̈́̈͂͛̽͊ͭ̓͆ͅé ̰̓̓́ͯ́́͞]

Lousy jackass, peeling back the vinyl like that.

A world without butt-chugging isn't a world I want to live in.

IS NOTHING SACRED!?

[The Good Reverend Roger]

Lousy jackass, peeling back the vinyl like that.

A world without butt-chugging isn't a world I want to live in.

IS NOTHING SACRED!?

I don't care what butt chugging is.  I just like the idea that people are doing something called BUTT CHUGGING.

And now it turns out they aren't.  And the world gets just a little bit greyer.

[Mesozoic Mister Nigel]

Lousy jackass, peeling back the vinyl like that.

A world without butt-chugging isn't a world I want to live in.

IS NOTHING SACRED!?

I don't care what butt chugging is.  I just like the idea that people are doing something called BUTT CHUGGING.

And now it turns out they aren't.  And the world gets just a little bit greyer.

Oh, but they ARE butt-chugging... just not with tampons. Beer enemas are also called butt-chugging! Everybody wins and the world is still a safe place to live.

[Freeky]

Lousy jackass, peeling back the vinyl like that.

A world without butt-chugging isn't a world I want to live in.

IS NOTHING SACRED!?

I don't care what butt chugging is.  I just like the idea that people are doing something called BUTT CHUGGING.

And now it turns out they aren't.  And the world gets just a little bit greyer.

Oh, but they ARE butt-chugging... just not with tampons. Beer enemas are also called butt-chugging! Everybody wins and the world is still a safe place to live.

Do people really do beer enemas?

NOWAITDON'TANSWERTHAT.

[Eater of Clowns]

Lousy jackass, peeling back the vinyl like that.

A world without butt-chugging isn't a world I want to live in.

IS NOTHING SACRED!?

I don't care what butt chugging is.  I just like the idea that people are doing something called BUTT CHUGGING.

And now it turns out they aren't.  And the world gets just a little bit greyer.

Oh, but they ARE butt-chugging... just not with tampons. Beer enemas are also called butt-chugging! Everybody wins and the world is still a safe place to live.

Do people really do beer enemas?

NOWAITDON'TANSWERTHAT.

I think I might prefer one to conventional methods if faced with certain beers.

"Hey man, want a Coors Light?"

"Eh, I don't want to taste it.  Let's just shove it up my ass."

[Freeky]

Lousy jackass, peeling back the vinyl like that.

A world without butt-chugging isn't a world I want to live in.

IS NOTHING SACRED!?

I don't care what butt chugging is.  I just like the idea that people are doing something called BUTT CHUGGING.

And now it turns out they aren't.  And the world gets just a little bit greyer.

Oh, but they ARE butt-chugging... just not with tampons. Beer enemas are also called butt-chugging! Everybody wins and the world is still a safe place to live.

Do people really do beer enemas?

NOWAITDON'TANSWERTHAT.

I think I might prefer one to conventional methods if faced with certain beers.

"Hey man, want a Coors Light?"

"Eh, I don't want to taste it.  Let's just shove it up my ass."

EOC has just restored my will to live.