My Dear Doktor Phox: You Should Be Run Out of Town on a Rail.

[The Good Reverend Roger]

Phox, just exactly how long did you expect we'd put up with your deviant behavior?  How long did you think we'd let your criminal excesses continue?  I know, and you know that I know, that you are a spag of the first water, and a menace to innocent children and retarded people.  You also know that I know that you know this.  So why the fucking games?

Just admit it:  You're a junkie of some kind.  What fucking drug you're banging into yourself is irrelevant; the important part is that you're an abuser, a dope-sucking fiend that has no concern for Goodness & Decency, and the essential proprieties of American life.  Human trafficking is NEVER okay, and neither is that fucking thing you do at parties.  FRAT BOYS ARE PEOPLE, TOO, YOU GODDAMN ANIMAL.  Well, okay, maybe not people, but if you can't be trusted not to torment animals, you can't be trusted around humans.

There is no room in civilized society for someone like you, and it is solely due to technicalities that you haven't been locked up with perverts long, long ago. 

You also argue about fictional things, and I can't say I like the cut of your jib.  You endlessly make up horrible lies about people, ruining their reputation and sullying their good name.  It's like you have poop instead of a soul, horribly diseased prostitute poop that you vomited on and then made a sandwich out of, and then ATE.  That's NOT FUCKING NORMAL, Phox, and WE SHOULDN'T HAVE TO LOOK AT IT.

You make no sense.  You rollerblade on the sidewalks and knock old ladies off into traffic.  Reliable sources have SEEN YOU DO IT.  You jabber nonsense while sending "do-it-yourself body modification kits" to transhumanist idiots¹, and teach high school drop outs to be furries.  You're completely incomprehensible.  And reprehensible.  And your forehead is creased all backward.

Let me close this by saying that I don't HATE you anymore than I hate anyone else, but that I consider you to be a menace to decent people and a walking, talking INSULT to the King's English.

That is all.  You may now return to kicking cancer babies.

Or Kill Me.

¹  Okay, that one was funny...BUT STILL!

[Phox]

Why, Good Reverend, you of all people should know why I do these things I do. You have seen and lived among the "people" who I am forced to interact with. For you, it was but a brief horror. For me, it has been a twenty-year nightmare. And I actually wish, at times, I was still in North Carolina.

That is precisely how horrible this place is. For those of you, who have not been to this lovely corner of Hell, let me describe it for you. Imagine, if you will, hell, imagine if you won't, a place right out of Better Homes and Gardens. The perfect neighborhood. White picket fences, green grass, smiling Stepford Wives... enough to make you gag, right? Well, now add about a century of neglect, rampant poverty, and a decidedly swamp-like atmosphere. Now imagine that those Stepford Wives are still the same. Except now they have shark's grins and the deepest black eyes you've ever seen (their eyes, of course, were made from the coal that wasn't good enough to sell to the train companies). Imagine that the inhabitants of this place are primarily Irish/Polish coal mining folk, who would be vaguely reminiscent of the seedier inhabitants of Appalachia, if movies like Deliverance and The Hills Have Eyes didn't utterly fail to capture the horror of these people.

Cannibalism, sodomy, and incest are but minor party tricks for these so-called "human beings". The depths of depravity that I must endure simply walking out to get the mail would cause your brains to leak out your ears and your eyes to scream from their sockets like a bottle rocket. I cannot even begin to make you comprehend the horrors of living here in such terms.

But let's not forget one of the most important parts of this place. That's the history Let us not forget, friends that the last public hanging in Illinois was held but a leisurely drive away, and the site is still a point of pride amongst the locals and touted as a major tourist trap (for the purposes of cannibalism, of course). Hell, even the noose used in the hanging was on display until recently. You could even touch it, if you knew the right way to do it.

And what can possibly beat the feeling of driving passed the supermax prison that replaced Alcatraz every time you want to go to your girlfriend's house. The very same prison, I might add, that has been referred to in more recent years as "Little Gitmo" and houses one of the Federal Bureau of Prisons' Communications Management Units. The very same prison that was on permanent lockdown for twenty-three years. Yes, passing through its shadow is considered a rite of passage, and its very existence should be celebrated, according to the aged and wise residents of the nearby towns.

And this is but a mere scratching of the surface, friends, as Roger no doubt knows.

Is it any wonder that I am mad? Is it any wonder that my decadence has taken to tormenting these people with any means that I have at my disposal?

And besides, who can argue with the great fun to be had in poking monkeys with sticks?

I am unrepentant.

ETA: minor corrections and clarification.

[The Good Reverend Roger]

I am unrepentant.

WE KNOW WHAT YOU DID IN MORRIS!  WE KNOW WHY THEY HAVE WEBBED TOES AND 12 FINGERS AND THAT LOOK!  You aren't just enduring, you're deliberately making it worse.  I have in fact heard that the syndrome is spreading up into Plano and Montgomery/Oswego (though nobody noticed in Montgomery), and I see your sticky fingers on ALL OF IT.

You are a bad person.  It's like nobody ever nuked Indianapolis, and we still have Iason running loose.

[Mesozoic Mister Nigel]

  This is awesome.

[Phox]

Making it worse? NO! I am making it better! Soon they will spread like a disease throughout the world, and have none but their own to cannibalize. They shall either starve or turn upon one another. Either way, it's entertaining for me, and public service to good, righteous folk. Of course, the good, righteous folk will be unfortunately eliminated as collateral damage in the grand scheme of things, but that is a calculated risk that I have deemed worth the sacrifice. And they would to, if they would but comprehend the glory of the master plan.

[The Good Reverend Roger]

Making it worse? NO! I am making it better! Soon they will spread like a disease throughout the world, and have none but their own to cannibalize. They shall either starve or turn upon one another. Either way, it's entertaining for me, and public service to good, righteous folk. Of course, the good, righteous folk will be unfortunately eliminated as collateral damage in the grand scheme of things, but that is a calculated risk that I have deemed worth the sacrifice. And they would to, if they would but comprehend the glory of the master plan.

The first time I see one of those web-toed swampfuckers shambling up the side of my Goddamn mountain, YOU AND I ARE GOING TO HAVE A TALK.  I ran TOO FAST AND TOO FAR to deal with that shit again, shit, I even moved to GODDAMN TUCSON.  I did all of this to get away from that shit.  If I am once again immersed in their Forrest-Gump-meets-Lester-Maddox shit, I don't know what the fuck I'll do, BUT IT WON'T BE PLEASANT.  Always remember that you are downslope of me, and that boulders roll all the way to Ohio.

And none of this explains your forehead, which is offensive to God.

[Phox]

Making it worse? NO! I am making it better! Soon they will spread like a disease throughout the world, and have none but their own to cannibalize. They shall either starve or turn upon one another. Either way, it's entertaining for me, and public service to good, righteous folk. Of course, the good, righteous folk will be unfortunately eliminated as collateral damage in the grand scheme of things, but that is a calculated risk that I have deemed worth the sacrifice. And they would to, if they would but comprehend the glory of the master plan.

The first time I see one of those web-toed swampfuckers shambling up the side of my Goddamn mountain, YOU AND I ARE GOING TO HAVE A TALK.  I ran TOO FAST AND TOO FAR to deal with that shit again, shit, I even moved to GODDAMN TUCSON.  I did all of this to get away from that shit.  If I am once again immersed in their Forrest-Gump-meets-Lester-Maddox shit, I don't know what the fuck I'll do, BUT IT WON'T BE PLEASANT.  Always remember that you are downslope of me, and that boulders roll all the way to Ohio.

And none of this explains your forehead, which is offensive to God.

The fact I was born in North Carolina, and my father is originally from the Ozarks ought to explain that sufficiently, I thought. 

[The Good Reverend Roger]

Making it worse? NO! I am making it better! Soon they will spread like a disease throughout the world, and have none but their own to cannibalize. They shall either starve or turn upon one another. Either way, it's entertaining for me, and public service to good, righteous folk. Of course, the good, righteous folk will be unfortunately eliminated as collateral damage in the grand scheme of things, but that is a calculated risk that I have deemed worth the sacrifice. And they would to, if they would but comprehend the glory of the master plan.

The first time I see one of those web-toed swampfuckers shambling up the side of my Goddamn mountain, YOU AND I ARE GOING TO HAVE A TALK.  I ran TOO FAST AND TOO FAR to deal with that shit again, shit, I even moved to GODDAMN TUCSON.  I did all of this to get away from that shit.  If I am once again immersed in their Forrest-Gump-meets-Lester-Maddox shit, I don't know what the fuck I'll do, BUT IT WON'T BE PLEASANT.  Always remember that you are downslope of me, and that boulders roll all the way to Ohio.

And none of this explains your forehead, which is offensive to God.

The fact I was born in North Carolina, and my father is originally from the Ozarks ought to explain that sufficiently, I thought. 

WASH YOUR FUCKING GENES!

[LMNO]

Cannibalism, sodomy, and incest are but minor party tricks for these so-called "human beings". The depths of depravity that I must endure simply walking out to get the mail would cause your brains to leak out your ears and your eyes to scream from their sockets like a bottle rocket. I cannot even begin to make you comprehend the horrors of living here in such terms.

I needs to plan me a trip to North Carolina.

For further clarification, please see mine avatar.

[Phox]

Cannibalism, sodomy, and incest are but minor party tricks for these so-called "human beings". The depths of depravity that I must endure simply walking out to get the mail would cause your brains to leak out your ears and your eyes to scream from their sockets like a bottle rocket. I cannot even begin to make you comprehend the horrors of living here in such terms.

I needs to plan me a trip to North Carolina.

For further clarification, please see mine avatar.

No, no, I pine for North Carolina.

I am currently in Southern Illinois/Northern Kentucky. It is far, far worse. You'd be perfectly at home. 

[LMNO]

I am currently in Southern Illinois/Northern Kentucky.

Oh, fuck that noise.

[Phox]

I am currently in Southern Illinois/Northern Kentucky.

Oh, fuck that noise.

NOW ANYONE WHO DOESN'T BELIEVE ME CAN SEE: I LIVE IN A PLACE THAT'S TOO FUCKED UP FOR LMNO. 

[The Good Reverend Roger]

I am currently in Southern Illinois/Northern Kentucky.

Oh, fuck that noise.

NOW ANYONE WHO DOESN'T BELIEVE ME CAN SEE: I LIVE IN A PLACE THAT'S TOO FUCKED UP FOR LMNO. 

People from Boston are deathly allergic to redneck-ass po'bucker flyover country.

It's why he won't come visit us in Tucson.

[Phox]

People from Boston are deathly allergic to redneck-ass po'bucker flyover country.

It's why he won't come visit us in Tucson.

That explains a lot. 

[The Good Reverend Roger]

People from Boston are deathly allergic to redneck-ass po'bucker flyover country.

It's why he won't come visit us in Tucson.

That explains a lot. 

I met LMNO at a bar in Boston.  Bars in Boston make you want to relax and have a drink.

Bars in Tucson make you tense up and NEED a drink.  If only to cover the smell.