Doktor Howl SCIENTIFICALLY Translates Personals Ads Into English

[Doktor Howl]

How to read personal ads:

40-ish.........................49
Adventurer...................Slept with all your friends
Athletic.......................No tits
Average looking............Has a face like a basset hound
Beautiful......................Pathological liar
Emotionally Secure........Medicated
Feminist......................Doesn't wear underwear (female)/Simpering Ass Kisser (male)
Few Extra Pounds.........Morbidly obese
Free spirit....................Junkie
Friendship first..............Is asexual
Fun.............................Annoying
Gentle........................Comatose
Good Listener..............Borderline Autistic
New-Age....................All body hair, all the time
Old-fashioned..............Lights out, missionary position only, no BJs
Open-minded...............Desperate
Outgoing.....................Loud and Embarrassing
Passionate..................Sloppy drunk
Poet...........................Depressive Schizophrenic and/or Unemployed
Professional.................No Life
Redhead.....................Bad dye-job
Romantic....................Looks better by candle light
Separated...................Trying to cheat on spouse
Social........................Has been passed around like an hors d'oeuvres tray
Wants Soulmate..........Stalker
Widow.......................Drove first husband to shoot himself
Young at heart............Old bat

[Nephew Twiddleton]

Hmm... How about when they say no head games?

[Doktor Howl]

Hmm... How about when they say no head games?

Male:  Can't we just fuck and not talk?

Female:  Things have to be my way, or I'll stab you in the eye.

[Q. G. Pennyworth]

No fatties?

[hirley0]

No?

[Mesozoic Mister Nigel]

It almost inspires me to start dating again.

Almost. Just for funzies.

[Cuddlefish]

  These are great!

[Cain]

Some more:

Bubbly personality - can't get a word in edge-ways
Mutually beneficial arrangement - Now, I ain't saying she's a gold digger...
Solvent - you're paying for all the dates
Student - you're paying for EVERYTHING
Voluptous - Fat but dresses like a size 10 model.

[Richter]

Outdoorsy - Armpit hair / neckbeard
World Traveler - VD's they refuse to acknowledge in English
Into fitness - Meathead (either)

[AFK]

Hmm... How about when they say no head games?

That means getting a Monica Lewinsky is not in the cards. 

[navkat]

Driven: Selfish.
Honest: Adept at convincing himself of his own line of bullshit.
Honest to a fault: Aspie who will bring up your anal play and watersports at Thanksgiving dinner with your folks.
Looking for an independent woman: broke.
Headstrong, independent woman: Will boss you around like a slave but reserves the right to fuck other men in front of you.
M4F who is organized and in-charge: Won't marry you but wants you to come over to his place to cook, clean, remind him when to pay the power bill and throw his leeching, couch-surfing stoner friends out because he's too much of a pussy to do it himself.
Looking to make a deep connection: Soulless narcissist, incapable of real love but desperate to find someone who doesn't get boring after 6 months.
Work in Progress (Male): Recovering addict
Work in Progress (Female): Born-again Christian
Looking to settle down: Has already designed her princess-cut engagement ring on the DeBeers website.
Nurturing: Desperately wants a baby but can't remember to clean her cat's litter box for several months in a row.
Worldly and refined: Once visited Canada. Will order the lobster/filet surf n turf and complain that her white zinfandel "isn't oaky enough" and demand they bring her the Sutter Home instead.

[Mesozoic Mister Nigel]

Outdoorsy - Armpit hair / neckbeard
World Traveler - VD's they refuse to acknowledge in English
Into fitness - Meathead (either)

I keep reading  this and involuntarily visualizing chicks with neckbeards.

Thank you, Richter, for enriching my internal life.

[Richter]

Outdoorsy - Armpit hair / neckbeard
World Traveler - VD's they refuse to acknowledge in English
Into fitness - Meathead (either)

I keep reading  this and involuntarily visualizing chicks with neckbeards.

Thank you, Richter, for enriching my internal life.

Thank you Nigel, I was worried I had lost the ability to post relevance.