So I Met This Horse-Whisperer.

[Salty]

No troll.

And let me tell you something about horse-whisperers:

A) They need their own whisperers.
AND
B) They are forever cast into the same time/space that all actors, dancers, gymnasts, figure skaters, and furries. They might be nice people, they might be limber, but their shit is bound to be way to fucked up for me to handle.

EXAMPLE:
This one I met on craigslist with a rousing personals ad.

She was capable of nuanced thought, she was a little mean, she lived over 20 miles outside of town. Perfect.
And then, oh god.

So, you know, we have a nice conversation in a car. You meet up again. Wild, screeching monkey love ensues. Unfortunately, it ends in one of the worst ways sex between two consensual adults can, an asthmatic, wheezing "Don't ever leave me."

Now let me say this: When you're mid-thirties, and you live in Alaska, and your not disabled or a completely drunken asshole, you have a fucking car. Or you can arrange some kind of ride when you say you're going to. Is that so fucking hard? Make arrangements. Do not expect me to spend time and money when I don't expect to. At the very least have the courtesy to make your demand for a ride in the general shape of a question. A please, perhaps.

I can't suddenly pick you up when you were supposed to be here already. Well, I can, but I am never going to. Then again, let me cool off and I surely will because I'm just a softy. Just let me cool off. I planned taking care of my mountain of errands and such around you, so now I'm just going to take care of those things I'll talk to you lat-oh. OH.

I've been straightforward
shattered ego
terrified heart
powerful, undeniable
need
for you
I have said that I need forgiveness
and patience
you have today
come get me
talk to me face to face
body to body

I don't give love
I can't afford it
you took it

damn you
get in your fucking car
you're gonna be so damned sad
tomorrow
when you realized
what you've done

Let me assure you there is pages of that stuff. After a week of knowing her, mind you.

So, she does get a ride. Suddenly, she's on her way! Well...I didn't actually say you could come over.

thank your lucky fucking stars I
have faith for both of us

have you seen
the movie
the secretary?

I love you
completely
hopelessly
helplessly
this is a grand gesture that i have
never made
nor will again

At this point I'm lol'ing. Then she's HERE. Banging her head on my door. Sitting down. Not leaving, hopefully not peeing.

Fucking horse-whisperers.

[Mesozoic Mister Nigel]

OH MY GOD.

[Doktor Howl]

This explains the phone call, yes?   

[Cainad (dec.)]

whaaaaat the fuck

[EK WAFFLR]

 

Sorry for laughing but this one hit close to home in so many ways.
Switch Alaska with norwegian country-side and horse-whisperer with goth clothes designer and it's down to a pat what happened to me 8 years ago.

Jesus christ.

[Salty]

This explains the phone call, yes?   

Yes. Yes it does. Thanks, BTW. I hate to call the cops on anyone, but she could break me in half.

[Juana]

What. the. fuck. She still there?

[Salty]

Naw, she's gone. When she got back to her computer it was:

Fuck off

and

you talk a good game and are
heavenly
but it turns out your
just full of
bovine excrement
I definitely
am not

I do this shit for SCIENCE!

[Anna Mae Bollocks]

These are the people that call my psychic line. "I TALKED TO A GUY ONLINE/AT WORK/WUTEVER WHEN IS HE GONNA ASK ME OUT ARE WE GONNA GET MARRIED AND WHEN AND HOW MANY KIDS ARE WE GONNA HAVE AND IS HE GONNA CHEAT ON ME WHAT IS HE DOING RIGHT NOW DOES HE STILL FUCK HIS WIFE IS HE CHEEEEEATING?????" 

[Freeky]

Jesus fuck, Alty.   

AM GLAD YOU DIDN'T DIE.

[Salty]

I was going to shoot GUNS from atop ANIMALS. That's the only thing that makes me mad, really.

[Freeky]

I was going to shoot GUNS from atop ANIMALS. That's the only thing that makes me mad, really.

[Doktor Howl]

This explains the phone call, yes?   

Yes. Yes it does. Thanks, BTW. I hate to call the cops on anyone, but she could break me in half.

No problem.  Cops are a pain in the ass and not to be trusted, but they do come in handy, sometimes.

[Doktor Howl]

Naw, she's gone. When she got back to her computer it was:

Fuck off

and

you talk a good game and are
heavenly
but it turns out your
just full of
bovine excrement
I definitely
am not

I do this shit for SCIENCE!

I love the writing style.  It's like EOT's crazyass cousin or some shit.

[Doktor Howl]

These are the people that call my psychic line. "I TALKED TO A GUY ONLINE/AT WORK/WUTEVER WHEN IS HE GONNA ASK ME OUT ARE WE GONNA GET MARRIED AND WHEN AND HOW MANY KIDS ARE WE GONNA HAVE AND IS HE GONNA CHEAT ON ME WHAT IS HE DOING RIGHT NOW DOES HE STILL FUCK HIS WIFE IS HE CHEEEEEATING?????" 

I couldn't do your job.

Not for a million bucks.