Soda Fountain

[LMNO]

Why does the Short-course Off-road Drivers Association have a fountain, anyway?

I want to go to there.

[Mesozoic Mister Nigel]

So do I. Wherever it is.

[Doktor Howl]

Someone made a monument to me puking up cactus? 

[LMNO]

If I didn't have a meeting right now, I would WOMP the hell out of you.

[Anna Mae Bollocks]

Someone made a monument to me puking up cactus? 

Now we all have to make the pilgrimage.

[Mesozoic Mister Nigel]

Someone made a monument to me puking up cactus? 

OH SHIT

[Doktor Howl]

Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt. Nigel and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning
bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal.

We'd like to thank you for flying Air Oregon, and next time you travel, we hope you'll SHUT UP while the flight attendants are giving you the safety briefing.  After all, we'd like to think that we at least gave you a chance not to become a charcaol briquet.

[Freeky]

 

[Doktor Howl]

Directions:  Place LMNO cartridge in time dispense emitter.  Adjust internal settings as desired until proper levels are reached.  When LMNO is used up, replace cartridge.  LMNO should last 3-6 months, depending on internal setting.  Do not place around furniture, pets, or the adult toy.  Avoid getting LMNO on your pants or in the eye.  Do not expose LMNO to extreme heat or cold.  Ensure that ventilation is adequate before using time dispense emitter.  Do not put any other product in time dispense emitter.

Side effects of LMNO may include odd arousal, vomiting, and severe interal hemmoraging.

Note that the use of LMNO is illegal in Alabama, Utah, and Puerto Rico.

[Doktor Howl]

Directions:  Prepare surface by wiping with mineral spirits.  Shake Freeky well before using.  Swing Freeky back and forth in large arcs, about 14" from prepared surface.  Allow Freeky to dry for 12 hours at room temperature before putting the affected surface into service.  Ensure area is well ventilated.  Intentional inhalation of Freeky is illegal, and can cause kidney failure and/or death.

[LMNO]

Although most people tolerate Dok Howl well, it is still possible to develop certain side effects while listening to Dok Howl. Side effects that are most commonly reported when using Dok Howl include drowsiness, headache, and infections. Rare but possible side effects (occurring in less than 1 percent of patients) may include high blood pressure, sensitivity to the sun, and hiccups. When Dok Howl side effects occur, they are typically minor, but be sure to seek medical attention immediately if you develop serious problems such as suicidal thoughts, anxiety, or hallucinations.

[Doktor Howl]

PLOT: A "Zork" vet, Doktor Phox is magically plucked from our world, and transported to Utah, which is being ravaged by an evil warlord named Stella who's under the control of a race of ancient, all-powerful beings, led by Cain.  Phox allies herself with a warlike race called the Spags, which are five-foot tall Irish creatures, ruled by "Twid" in order to find a way home, but she must also contend with a headstrong princess East Coast Hustle who's trying to escape her forced marriage to Stella and believes she's the Doktor to save her and her people.

REVIEW: Well, it's finally here. After a development process that went into decades, the long-awaited film adaptation of Cram's Spagcar Named Desire finally makes its way to the silver screen.  Cram's put at least $250 Million into what it hopes will be the start of a new billion dollar franchise, but is the end result worth all the bother?

[LMNO]

The MGT's voice was choked with anger.  "You are a worse pirate than Cain."

    Ratatosk opened his eyes.  His shoulders were on fire and he could not move his hands.  For half a heartbeat he feared he was back in his old cell under the Portland bridges, that the jumble of memories inside his head was no more than the residue of some fever dream. I was asleep, he realized.  That, or passed out from the pain.  When he tried to move, he swung from side to side, his back scraping against stone.  He was hanging from a wall inside a server field, his wrists bound by a drag queen's tuck-tape.

     The air reeked of burning microchips.  The floor was hard-packed pornography.  Wooden steps spiraled up inside the walls to the roof.  He saw no windows.  The server field was dank, dark, and comfortless, its only furnishings a high-backed chair and a scarred table resting on three busted hard drives.  No privy was in evidence, though Rat saw a bucket of chewing tobacco spit in one shadowed alcove.  The only light came from the LEDs on the table.  His feet dangled six feet off the floor.

     "My brother's debts," the MGT was muttering.  "LMNO's too, though that baseborn abomination was no kin to me."  Rat twisted in his chains.  He knew that voice. Daruko. 

     Ratatosk chortled.  A stab of pain went up his arms, from his shoulders to his wrists.  All he had done, all he had suffered, TCC and MW and EB&G, Hoopla and Salazar, Tucson, the trek through the snows, all of it had only served to exchange one tormentor for another. 

[East Coast Hustle]

[Anna Mae Bollocks]

I was looking for a list of side effects to tweak and post and found this. Surely another bullshit story cooked up by FOX to make people hate "frivolous lawsuits" and the french, but 

http://hypervocal.com/culture/2011/side-effects-include-drowsiness-diarrhea-and-addiction-to-gay-sex/