Let's Talk About Standards

[Cuddlefish]

A few things have happened recently that make me want to get some feedback.

I was having a discussion with a friend of mine about dating, meeting people, etc. I was complaining that I feel like I will likely die alone, as the standards I set for potential mates are absurdly high. During this conversation, I also realized that I may not get laid any time soon, because a recent "upgrade" in my standards, for even a simple one night stand, are almost unable to be met by 90% of the populace (figures are approximate and entirely made up).

Secondly, I just graduated from a two year community college, with plans on continuing my education. I expected to feel good about it (probably because that's what I was lead to believe). However, despite high-honors, deans list every semester, and the respect of many of my instructors, I actually feel a little embarrassed about the whole thing. I feel that I did not match the standards I had set for myself. It's almost like anything under highest honors (which was a mere .09 GPA points away) might as well have been an out-right failure. 

Nothing is good enough.

When prompted (by myself, or others) to lower my standards, I refuse to even consider it. However, I would like to NOT die alone, and I would like to feel a sense of accomplishment from my achievements. Is this MY problem? Is the lowering of standards the answer here? If so, how does one go about doing that once expectations have already been set?

[LMNO]

If your standards are rationally unreasonable, then they may be considered as being set arbitrarily high, perhaps as a defense mechanism against emotional pain (in regards to relationships), or an innate sense of a lack of self-worth (in regards to grades/academic achievements).

In such cases, you wouldn't be "lowering" your standards, you'd be "adjusting them to map closer to reality."

[Junkenstein]

Every human being dies alone.

[East Coast Hustle]

Good OP. I have the same problem to a large degree. I've always managed to keep it steered to the "using it to motivate myself to a ridiculous level" side of things rather than let it drift over to "fuck it, nothing's ever good enough so why bother" but it takes effort. I don't have any wisdom or insight to offer about it either, I'm just glad to know it might just be something that happens to a certain type of person and not some dumb shit that's the product of some piece of DERP in the back of my brain.

[Doktor Howl]

Every human being dies alone.

Balls.  Everyone faces death alone, but that's not the same thing as being alone when you die.

[Junkenstein]

Don't make relevant points. Look at the jpg and laugh damn your eyes!

But fair point, the film was just playing when I read the OP so had to post that really.

[Cuddlefish]

If your standards are rationally unreasonable, then they may be considered as being set arbitrarily high, perhaps as a defense mechanism against emotional pain (in regards to relationships), or an innate sense of a lack of self-worth (in regards to grades/academic achievements).

In such cases, you wouldn't be "lowering" your standards, you'd be "adjusting them to map closer to reality."

The bolded bit is helpful; it's funny how a slight change in terms can bring some insight. However, in regards to the first section of your post, I have some questions. What are "rationally reasonable" standards, in regards to this conversation? Isn't self-worth computed by factoring in successes? Meaning, if I had an innate sense of lack of self worth, shouldn't a relative success boost morale? Also, if it were a lack of sense of self worth, why would I bother having such high standards, if I saw myself as not being able to achieve them? Not trying to be pedantic or contrary, just trying to figure this out. Also, I see "pain" as an important part of any type of growth and, for the most part, I am prepared to deal with it, so I do not see myself as using my high standards as a defense mechanism (though, I could be exercising some self delusion, here. I dunno).

Good OP. I have the same problem to a large degree. I've always managed to keep it steered to the "using it to motivate myself to a ridiculous level" side of things rather than let it drift over to "fuck it, nothing's ever good enough so why bother" but it takes effort. I don't have any wisdom or insight to offer about it either, I'm just glad to know it might just be something that happens to a certain type of person and not some dumb shit that's the product of some piece of DERP in the back of my brain.

Self motivation, I think, is where this has all stemmed from. Maybe my "unrealistic goals, introduced to maintain motivation" have turned into a more cancerous "unrealistic goals that must be reached, despite reality."

[LMNO]

If your goals have an expectation that is improbable to an extreme level, then you are setting your goals to achieve the functionally impossible.  Because those goals will never realistically reached, then you will always fail, and nothing you experience will live up to your expectations.

Let say you want Condition A, and you have a 50% chance of finding it/making it happen.
But you also want Condition A to have Condition B, and that chance is also 50%.  There's now a 25% chance of finding/achieving that.
Now you say, oh, I also want Condition C, which has a 50% chance.  Now you're down to a 12.5% chance.  And that's when your chance is 50% for each condition!  Most people with ambitions start with low probablility positions.  I mean, let's say your three conditions each have a 12.5% chance of success.  Your odds of getting all three are now at 4.17%.


Now stop and consider that when a person breaks down their ambitions into component parts, there are many different conditions.  And you also have to take into account that some conditions may be contradictory to each other... It soon becomes clear that unless you're very precise about what you want, there's almost no possible way to acheive it with 100% success.

[Mesozoic Mister Nigel]

Hmmm. I can relate to Alty's post, I think.

I have very high standards in some areas... I am disappointed in myself if I get anything less than an A, for example. I don't need to be the best, but I need to be very very good in order to feel as if I have satisfied my own goals. In some ways, likewise, I have very high expectations in a mate, but I often find that I will "settle" for someone who meets what I think are the most important of those expectations, even if they don't meet others that are also important.

I think there's something to be said for holding out for an A. Maybe he doesn't have to be 100% in every area, but he should be at least 90% in all but one area, and no less than 80% in that area. 98% in most areas but 60% in one area is not good enough.

As far as personal goals, so... you didn't get top honors. Does not getting top honors in some way hold you back from your next step? There are cases when it could, but does it in your case?

My biggest question about anything I feel regret or disappointment over is, what can I do differently next time? Once I have that understood, I try to let it go and move on.

[Doktor Howl]

A few things have happened recently that make me want to get some feedback.

I was having a discussion with a friend of mine about dating, meeting people, etc. I was complaining that I feel like I will likely die alone, as the standards I set for potential mates are absurdly high. During this conversation, I also realized that I may not get laid any time soon, because a recent "upgrade" in my standards, for even a simple one night stand, are almost unable to be met by 90% of the populace (figures are approximate and entirely made up).

Secondly, I just graduated from a two year community college, with plans on continuing my education. I expected to feel good about it (probably because that's what I was lead to believe). However, despite high-honors, deans list every semester, and the respect of many of my instructors, I actually feel a little embarrassed about the whole thing. I feel that I did not match the standards I had set for myself. It's almost like anything under highest honors (which was a mere .09 GPA points away) might as well have been an out-right failure. 

Nothing is good enough.

When prompted (by myself, or others) to lower my standards, I refuse to even consider it. However, I would like to NOT die alone, and I would like to feel a sense of accomplishment from my achievements. Is this MY problem? Is the lowering of standards the answer here? If so, how does one go about doing that once expectations have already been set?

I'm gonna go out on a limb here, and call you a BACKSLIDER.  You may expect the WORLD when it comes to women and grades, but what has happened to your standards in SLACK™?  You, sir, are a FUCKING SINNER, and I command unto you a penance of CHEAP BEER, ROCK N ROLL MUSIC, and MINDLESSLY CHASING AFTER WHAT EVER IT IS THAT GETS YOUR ROCKS OFF.

You will stop thinking NOW.  For the long weekend.  You will be like the Death Buddhists, and just BE, asshole.  Let your inner Yeti out for precisely 72 hours, and ROLL AROUND IN A PILE OF FUCKING FILTH.

Post results on Monday.  You might need more Doktoring.

[P3nT4gR4m]

There's nothing wrong with setting your sights on the impossible ideal of perfection but, unless you take pleasure and appreciate the accomplishment of each hurdle you must cross to get there, it's going to be a miserable and unfulfilling chase.

[Doktor Howl]

There's nothing wrong with setting your sights on the impossible ideal of perfection but, unless you take pleasure and appreciate the accomplishment of each hurdle you must cross to get there, it's going to be a miserable and unfulfilling chase.

It's gone beyond that, Doktor Vitriol.

He's having a Henry Rollins moment.  This has to be nipped in the bud, or we'll have to put him down for his own good.

[LMNO]

There's nothing wrong with setting your sights on the impossible ideal of perfection but, unless you take pleasure and appreciate the accomplishment of each hurdle you must cross to get there, it's going to be a miserable and unfulfilling chase.

Ok, I can get behind that. If you know what I mean.

There's nothing wrong with setting your sights on the impossible ideal of perfection but, unless you take pleasure and appreciate the accomplishment of each hurdle you must cross to get there, it's going to be a miserable and unfulfilling chase.

It's gone beyond that, Doktor Vitriol.

He's having a Henry Rollins moment.  This has to be nipped in the bud, or we'll have to put him down for his own good.

I also agree with this. I'm gonna be in NyC this weekend, playing a gig in Brooklyn.

BRINGIN THE FUCKIN HOLY TO THE HIPSTERS.

[Nephew Twiddleton]

I was going to offer a thought but ill wait until the end of monday.

also dimo apologies but due to a few different conflicting factors i must remain in boston for the weekend. But if all goes well ill try and be down in ri next weekend.

[Cuddlefish]

Friday Night:
3xHop Wallop (8.5 ABV)
2xLagunitas IPA (6.2 ABV)
1xLagunitas Little Sumpin' Ale (7.5 ABV)
1xSouthern Tier 2xIPA (8.2 ABV)

Saturday:
Shitting and finishing leftover beer.