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Don't get me wrong, I greatly appreciate the fact that you're at least putting effort into sincerely arguing your points. It's an argument I've enjoyed having. It's just that your points are wrong and your reasons for thinking they're right are stupid.

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LMNO, a few questions concerning your product.

Started by The Good Reverend Roger, July 18, 2012, 07:21:11 PM

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The Good Reverend Roger

July 18, 2012, 07:21:11 PM
Why yes, LMNO, I'd like to hear more about your wonderful product.  What kind of warranty does it have?  Does it NEED a warranty?  Is the surgery absolutely necessary, or can I just induct the signal directly into my brain using a 9 volt battery and a tin pie plate?

Is it legal in all 50 states and Puerto Rico?  Does it still have the original "factory stains" all over it?  Is it microwave safe?  And after I use it to saw through my neighbor, will it STILL slice a tomato?  I DON'T WANT TO ANSWER YET!  TELL ME MORE!

Can I use it for those tasks where I suddenly become incredibly klutzy, like in the commercials?  Can I deduct it on my taxes?  Will it offend my sexual partners?  Should I care?  How do I remove it when I'm done using it?  Were any animals harmed in testing your product?  DID you test your product?

Can it be used as a Snuggy™?  Will it replace my sleeping bag?  How many rounds does a magazine hold?  Are John Wayne's cold, dead fingers still attached?  Can I pay for it in pesos?  Euros?  Rubles?  Can I use my MAJOR CREDIT CARD, or is this strictly cash & carry?  Does it in fact support UNLIMITED DATA?  How much do minutes cost?  Will it get P!nk's Please Don't Leave Me out of my cranium?

I have to know all these things, LMNO, to be an informed consumer.  And let's just get that straight:  I AM a consumer.  I used to be a "customer", but that was back during the OLD century, with its INEFFICIENT WAYS.  I wanna be a LOYAL CUSTOMER and CONSUME until I FUCKING HIT BEDROCK, whereupon I will break my teeth gnawing on granite.

NOW HOW MUCH WILL I PAY?
" It's just that Depeche Mode were a bunch of optimistic loveburgers."
- TGRR, shaming himself forever, 7/8/2017

"Billy, when I say that ethics is our number one priority and safety is also our number one priority, you should take that to mean exactly what I said. Also quality. That's our number one priority as well. Don't look at me that way, you're in the corporate world now and this is how it works."
- TGRR, raising the bar at work.

Freeky

#1
July 18, 2012, 08:23:20 PM
Is it safe for my children I refuse to keep an eye on?  Is it easy to clean?  Will the other Real Housewives of Reality be jealous of my trendsetting good sense?  Will it Solve All My Problems?  Will it save my marriage?  Will it turn my no good taciturn back-talking teenager into a Model Citizen?  Will I get that spot at the country club dinner table?  TELL ME MORE!

The Good Reverend Roger

#2
July 18, 2012, 08:37:07 PM
Will it suck my religious neighbor into a horrible space fold?  Will it deal with that horrible rash I have on my ass?  Can it stitch a wound?  Can it glue my heart back together?  How much memory does it have?  Can it display how things USED to be, when there was a lot less killing and a lot more 'fropping?  Does the user manual come in English?  Will I care?  TELL ME MORE, LMNO!
" It's just that Depeche Mode were a bunch of optimistic loveburgers."
- TGRR, shaming himself forever, 7/8/2017

"Billy, when I say that ethics is our number one priority and safety is also our number one priority, you should take that to mean exactly what I said. Also quality. That's our number one priority as well. Don't look at me that way, you're in the corporate world now and this is how it works."
- TGRR, raising the bar at work.

LMNO

#3
July 18, 2012, 08:38:27 PM
How lovely!  You surely won't be disappointed, my friend!  It has everything a Consumer™ needs these days!

It has a LIFETIME warranty, good for the life of the product.  Please note however, that the Company© is not liable for any use of this product, nor does the warranty cover the following: Rain of frogs, unexplained pustule eruptions, rug burn, paper cuts, hiccups, vomiting, vomiting while hiccupping, hair loss, hair growth, 'sentient hair', Golden Girls syndrome, disastrous kikis, trepanation, or bad breath.

No – Warranty needs YOU!

While some Consumers™ are fortunate enough to have a steel nail lodged behind their left ear already, we strongly recommend the iSPIKE modification with the ENER-GEE! power supply.  But in a pinch, use three D-cells.

And Guam!

While some of the earlier shipped models are now considered "collector's items", Hector in shipping has been given a stern talking-to, and we feel that this 'enhancement' has been resolved.

For a set definition of "safe", yes.

Unfortunately, it will no longer slice a tomato.  However, it does this by choice; once it has tasted human blood, it refuses all other purposes.  We call this feature the WENDIGO v83.7 MEGA-TURBO.

Better yet, the Company© GUARANTEES that it will make you even klutzier!  Especially when you end up removing three toes from your left foot.

Only if you claim it's use for charitable works, such as "improving" the primate cages at your local zoo.

Will it offend my sexual partners? 
If your sexual partners aren't offended, DOUBLE YOUR MONEY BACK (offer not valid).

Yes.  EVERONE SHOULD CARE. 

Your purchase, as a Consumer™, is not meant for removal.  And after spending 36 hours adapting to its behavioral idiosyncrasies, you won't WANT to remove it.

Even better: Animals are harmed WHEN USING the product.

The product has gone under extreme scrutiny in our labs located in the slums of Calcutta.  We, and the sound of a thousand orphans shrieking themselves to sleep, can assure you of the effectiveness of this product.

No.  Snuggies™ are evil, and will not be tolerated.  In fact, our product has a special enhancement that causes Snuggys™ to immolate when the product is brought within a fifty-yard radius.


YOU'LL NEVER NEED TO SLEEP AGAIN!

17 standard caliber slugs, and adaptable to eight HAPPYBOOMFUNTIMEBOOM shells.

The Duke's fingers cost extra. But what a value!

Planning on using any foreign currency?  HAVE FUN IN GUANTANAMO, FREAK.

ALL MAJOR CARDS ACCEPTED, INCLUDING DINER'S CLUB!

Data limited to cranial capacity.

Only $1,563.96 a minute!

It will get EVERYTHING out of your cranium.





ALL YOU HAVE TO PAY IS EVERYTHING.

The Good Reverend Roger

#4
July 18, 2012, 08:39:30 PM
Side note:  This has completely RUINED my self-righteous rage concerning the lack of activity on this board.  I should be compensated or something.
" It's just that Depeche Mode were a bunch of optimistic loveburgers."
- TGRR, shaming himself forever, 7/8/2017

"Billy, when I say that ethics is our number one priority and safety is also our number one priority, you should take that to mean exactly what I said. Also quality. That's our number one priority as well. Don't look at me that way, you're in the corporate world now and this is how it works."
- TGRR, raising the bar at work.

The Good Reverend Roger

#5
July 18, 2012, 08:40:25 PM
LMNO, if you don't mind, I'm going to mash this together and place it in BIP2013 as an "ad".
" It's just that Depeche Mode were a bunch of optimistic loveburgers."
- TGRR, shaming himself forever, 7/8/2017

"Billy, when I say that ethics is our number one priority and safety is also our number one priority, you should take that to mean exactly what I said. Also quality. That's our number one priority as well. Don't look at me that way, you're in the corporate world now and this is how it works."
- TGRR, raising the bar at work.

Freeky

#6
July 18, 2012, 08:44:10 PM
Will it give our society back the good ol' Family Values we here in AMERICA used to have?  Will it show me it loves me by punishing me for my own good?  Will it make my decisions for me?  I can't be bothered to make decisions, you know, I only have time for CONSUMING.  In what way should I CONSUME this product?  May I close my eyes to the rest of the world not using it, while it tells me it is taking care of everything?

TELL ME MORE, ALPHAPANCE!

LMNO

#7
July 18, 2012, 08:46:51 PM
Quote from: The Dead Reverend Roger on July 18, 2012, 08:40:25 PM
LMNO, if you don't mind, I'm going to mash this together and place it in BIP2013 as an "ad".

Have at it!

LMNO

#8
July 18, 2012, 08:47:31 PM
Quote from: The Dead Reverend Roger on July 18, 2012, 08:39:30 PM
Side note:  This has completely RUINED my self-righteous rage concerning the lack of activity on this board.  I should be compensated or something.

Commentary: Some of us need more time to craft a decent response, your Holiness™.

The Good Reverend Roger

#9
July 18, 2012, 08:49:29 PM
Quote from: LMNO, PhD (life continues) on July 18, 2012, 08:47:31 PM
Quote from: The Dead Reverend Roger on July 18, 2012, 08:39:30 PM
Side note:  This has completely RUINED my self-righteous rage concerning the lack of activity on this board.  I should be compensated or something.

Commentary: Some of us need more time to craft a decent response, your Holiness™.

I wasn't bitching at you, mortal.  I was mostly hollering at the members who never SHUT UP and say anything.  Also, because I am FULL OF HATE today, and was looking for a reason to bitch.  Fortunately, for that, there's PD.
" It's just that Depeche Mode were a bunch of optimistic loveburgers."
- TGRR, shaming himself forever, 7/8/2017

"Billy, when I say that ethics is our number one priority and safety is also our number one priority, you should take that to mean exactly what I said. Also quality. That's our number one priority as well. Don't look at me that way, you're in the corporate world now and this is how it works."
- TGRR, raising the bar at work.
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