Discordian Pantheon (WARNING: PINEALISM)

[tyrannosaurus vex]

LISTEN UP YOU FUCKING SPAGS
Your bastard religion, born of a drunk man and his (probably gay*) bowling mate, has spent way too much time diddling itself in the corner, fantasizing about useless bollocks. It's time for you neo-postmodernists to awake from your unholy funk and grow up like REAL religions. And that means dispensing with all this "in some sense" bullshit. It's time to decide what is true, declare it, and then start telling people to believe it or else.

To that end, I have codified the Discordian Pantheon. This way, you know to whom you must pray, whom you must fear; whom to avoid, and whom to emulate. All REAL religions have this, so it stands to reason that this shitbag you call a "philosophy" must have it as well.

KNOW YE THIS, O MAN OF FAITH (yeah, that's lifted: fuck you)

1. ERIS. Eris may or may not be real; it doesn't matter. Eris is just a figment of your imagination: Therefore only those with an imagination can claim to know Eris. But that doesn't mean any random unimaginative schmuck "can't be a Discordian." It only means that he is a Discordian by accident, and that's just as good. So the first rule of this Pantheon is you must stop fucking talking about Eris (if you do).

2. THE SAINTS. HEAVEN IS POPULATED BY ASSHOLES. Like the twinkling stars of the constellations, Discordian Saints reside far above you so they can see when you masturbate, because most of them are lecherous old men and that's what they like to watch. Every act of self-pleasure is therefore an homage to the Saints. IMPORTANT: When writing about these Saints it is IMPERITIVE that you include the phrase "Peace Be Upon Her" after every mention of the name, regardless of gender and especially for G.W. Bush. THESE SAINTS IN NO PARTICULAR ORDER ARE:

   
• ROBERT ANTON WILSON (grandfathered in -- if he was starting out today, he'd never make it.)
• KERRY THORNLEY (anyone who wasn't officially involved in the JFK assassination is OK in our book.)
• YOUR FAVORITE GRANDMOTHER
• THE FEW UNCLES YOU MAY HAVE HAD WHO DID NOT TOUCH YOUR DANGLY BITS
• MOTHER THERESA (obligatory)
• GEORGE WALKER BUSH (accidental Saint; has the honor of being the only LIVING Discordian Saint.)
• ANY OTHER PERSON YOU WANT, SO LONG AS THEY ARE DEAD.

3. THE JUNIOR SAINTS OR "DEMI-GODS." These are the LIVING SAINTS (except for GW Bush) who grace us with their fucking god-awful presence as often as they possibly can. They have EARNED this title either by creating something neat, or by the sheer volume of acidic flatulence which rains from their asses like manna from Heaven. THIS STATUS IS BOTH A BLESSING AND A CURSE, as their words are often mistaken for INERRANT SCRIPTURE, even when they don't mean what they're saying (which may be most of the time, for all we know).

   
• THE GOOD REVEREND ROGER (AND CO.)
• THE NIGEL
• HIRLEY0
• CRAMULUS (status updated. see below.)
• ANYONE ELSE ON PD WITH A POST COUNT HIGHER THAN 10,000. (this is here so I can include myself.)

4. CRAMULUS, who was once a Junior Saint, but who has forsaken Our World (PD) and gone to mingle with the heathens in the Book of Twisted Faces. He gets his own category because WE ARE NICE PEOPLE and we don't want to lump him in with Category 5.


5. THE HALL OF ASSBURGERS. All GREAT RELIGIONS have a Hell of some kind, and DISCORDIANISM MUST BE NO DIFFERENT. The Hall of Assbugers is where you go when you DIE (or become dead to us), to suffer for eternity among people who DO NOT GIVE A SINGLE FUCK HOW SPECIAL YOU ARE. Here are the names of these fools: Beware lest we cast you out among them!

   
• AKK (duh)
• POPTARD
• OTHERS WHOSE NAMES I FORGET BECAUSE I DON'T FUCKING CARE WHO THEY ARE.
• Most Likely, YOU. You fucking dirtbag.

PUBLISH THIS DOCUMENT FAR AND WIDE, AND LET IT BE KNOWN THAT DISCORDIANISM HAS FINALLY ACHIEVED THAT VAUNTED STATUS OF "ORGANIZED RELIGION." PRINT TRACTS. GO ON TALK SHOWS. ELECT DISCORDIAN POLITICIANS. KNOCK ON DOORS. CRASH PARTIES.

[Q. G. Pennyworth]

But what if I want to pray to a cockroach?

[tyrannosaurus vex]

But what if I want to pray to a cockroach?

It's this kind of "I'm going to do whatever I want" attitude that's keeping Discordianism from its full potential.

LOCK STEP, PEOPLE. LOCK STEP.

[The Good Reverend Roger]

But what if I want to pray to a cockroach?

It is my advice that you not pray at all.  You never know what is listening.

[tyrannosaurus vex]

But what if I want to pray to a cockroach?

It is my advice that you not pray at all.  You never know what is listening.

Normally this is true, but this is also where Discordianism™ can offer you a UNIQUE SOLUTION to your PRAYER SECURITY CONCERNS.

A bona-fide Discordian has the option of purchasing a PRAYER ENCRYPTION HELMET which is compatible with all current and future Discordian Deities prayer switchboard systems.

[The Good Reverend Roger]

But what if I want to pray to a cockroach?

It is my advice that you not pray at all.  You never know what is listening.

Normally this is true, but this is also where Discordianism™ can offer you a UNIQUE SOLUTION to your PRAYER SECURITY CONCERNS.

A bona-fide Discordian has the option of purchasing a PRAYER ENCRYPTION HELMET which is compatible with all current and future Discordian Deities prayer switchboard systems.

And it's almost compatible with the "secret decoder ring".

[tyrannosaurus vex]

But what if I want to pray to a cockroach?

It is my advice that you not pray at all.  You never know what is listening.

Normally this is true, but this is also where Discordianism™ can offer you a UNIQUE SOLUTION to your PRAYER SECURITY CONCERNS.

A bona-fide Discordian has the option of purchasing a PRAYER ENCRYPTION HELMET which is compatible with all current and future Discordian Deities prayer switchboard systems.

And it's almost compatible with the "secret decoder ring".

Well, it is fully compatible on a technical level. You just have to know how to read 3rd Degree Sanskrit in order to make any sense of the instructions.

This is all off-topic though. I'd like to hear more about how you awful fucks are going to start marching in line, from now on.

[The Good Reverend Roger]

But what if I want to pray to a cockroach?

It is my advice that you not pray at all.  You never know what is listening.

Normally this is true, but this is also where Discordianism™ can offer you a UNIQUE SOLUTION to your PRAYER SECURITY CONCERNS.

A bona-fide Discordian has the option of purchasing a PRAYER ENCRYPTION HELMET which is compatible with all current and future Discordian Deities prayer switchboard systems.

And it's almost compatible with the "secret decoder ring".

Well, it is fully compatible on a technical level. You just have to know how to read 3rd Degree Sanskrit in order to make any sense of the instructions.

This is all off-topic though. I'd like to hear more about how you awful fucks are going to start marching in line, from now on.

Well, I have some relics for sale that should help people remember how they're supposed to Think™ for themselves. 

For example, I have a particulary Holy™ pair of underwear that shattered under unusual stresses that they were never designed to handle.  Also, bottles of my horribly contagious piss, among other excreta and cuttings.

This is what is needed, V3x...More Holiness™.  Only then can the masses think the right things for themselves.

[The Good Reverend Roger]

(On the off chance that the OP is kidding on the square, I'd like to point out that we haven't silenced anyone.)

[tyrannosaurus vex]

Well, they sure as shit can't figure it out on their own, can they?

CONCORD THROUGH DISCORD