FACTS IV

[The Good Reverend Roger]

LMNO has himself assassinated once a year, just to stay in practice.

Cain once strangled Manchester.  This is NOT an obscure sports analogy.

ECH's hair took over in a violent coup in 2008.

Nigel has a bullet with a name on it.  That name is "Portland".  This is similar to the bullet that hit JFK and seemingly everyone else in Dallas, but is bigger, and has hooks and barbs all over it.

Twid HAS finished the webcomic, but it's fatally funny, so he's sparing us.

I am currently drinking the Worst Cup of Coffee in the World.

[LMNO]

Freeky has a poison stinger on each elbow, which makes her version of "nudge nudge" MUCH more interesting.

RWHN's toten animal is a Sleestak.

Hoopla has a part-time job making counterfit merkins.

[The Good Reverend Roger]

Pixie keeps several types of poisonous insects in her jacket, for when people crowd her.  She saves the tarantula hawk for the handsey ones.

[LMNO]

Triple Zero is 96.37% zinc.  The rest is made up of pork rinds and sawdust.

[Nephew Twiddleton]

Trying to think of how to make it less funny. I cant have you all dying on me.

[Eater of Clowns]

Lenin McCarthy only has one organ and is the legitimate offspring of both the revolutionary and the senator.

Sita is the world's only concert pugilist.

Aucoq can speak to chickens but only on the harvest moon, when they whisper the knowledge of worms and grubs.

Coyote was born in Pangea.

[hooplala]

Ratatosk's teeth are made entirely from asbestos.

Net crochets blankets for homeless children, from his excess chest hair.

Aini really is female.

Garbo once painted an entire house using only brains.  She claims this is because the store was out of "purple".

ECH once drank an entire bottle of Sunny D.   He claims this is because the store was out of "purple".

[Juana]

Hoops once destroyed every fake'n'bake tannery in the country. The loss to the industry was immense, totaling $40 million dollars.

Roger attracts all that crazy with cat pheremones. He rubs them on his neck and ears every day before he leaves for work.

Phox is the reason Latin went extinct. She also wrote the Polybius Square and the Voynich Manuscript.

Net and Waffles really do capture the soul of their subjects with their cameras. And there's no getting it back. Sorry.

Suu once decorated the inside of her home with the piked skulls of her neighbors.

Richter made a batch of booze so strong, it melted the container, the floor, and his downstairs neighbors' cat.

[The Good Reverend Roger]

LMNO solved Fermat's Equation.  ECH one-upped him by solving Tourette's Equation.

[Richter]

Leln once stopped an Illuminati sex orgy with a disdainful stare.  They have yet to reconvene.

Roger has never worna t shirt in his life.  Let that sink in, and review the pics archives again.

RWHN  once played a riff so brutal on the slidewhistle that the govenor of maine became incontinent.

Garbo once made a fully functional gundam model.  In 1 100th scale.  It got jostled and shot a molasses tank across the country.

[Cainad (dec.)]

GARBO can measure any distance to the 14th decimal place just by looking, but only in units of "leagues."

Nigel would have you believe that she cans "fruit preserves." You would be a fool to accept this at face value.

Cain has direct personal control over the stock market, but only by playing a harmonica. The results are... imprecise.

Roger is actually the normal one.

Richter has the periodic table of the elements tattooed on his scrotum, "for reference."

Suu uses shrunken heads as pincushions. Who's heads they were is considered a state secret.

Burns vibrates at exactly 60 Hz under the light of a full moon.

Payne once excommunicated himself on a technicality, but it got sorted out. Still hasn't apologized though.

[EK WAFFLR]

TGRR is secretly a master kazooist.

[Phox]

Doktor Blight beat up the state of Ohio to steal all of their letter "A"s to replace the ones that his fellow Bostonians indiscriminately used up with their funny accents.

[Elder Iptuous]

Cainad once conducted the philharmonic pops orchestra with his clavicles alone.  Seven women in the audience divorced their husbands on the spot to elope with him.

P3ntagr4m has been mastering his Kayaking for the purposes of permanent colonization of the north pacific gyre.  the recent rash of beached whales are refugees fleeing the army of paddlers at his disposal.

Waffle once used to be an adventurer like you until he took an Iron in the knee.

Under the influences of a properly constructed disco ball, LMNO falls into a dance much like a honey bee, which Scientists have discovered leads to the buried lake "Vodkavostok" where his people emerged all those years ago.

Nigel once ran a conflict resolution agency that won the industry's highest award for her innovative use of pithing needles.

Roger has in his sleeping quarters a bust of Clemens whose head may be tilted back to reveal a large red button.  it is reported by one of our agents that when depressed, the ear canals of 17 congressmen prolapsed.  the only commonality that investigators have discovered is that these were the only members of our legislature that voted yes to increasing tariffs on anal depilatory creams.

[Mesozoic Mister Nigel]

We all know that Kai studies insects... what most people don't know is that Kai is actually the Queen.

Sita used to get out more but after her unique method of locomotion decimated the local population base she decided to spend more time at home... at least, until it rebounds.

The real reason LMNO visits Montana every year is so he can regurgitate the meaty remains of office drones into the waiting crops of his growing litter of shark-bears.